Friday, April 14, 2006
like father, like daughter
Some of you sent me emails on Wednesday asking me where the hell Acro was. The explanation for this comes in two parts. The first of which is that I thought, until I got the first of those emails that it was Tuesday. So, for like the first six hours of the day, totally a day off. The week has been screwy since I didn't work Monday and the girls are out of school today. It's like someone chopped my five day week down to three which totally confuses me.
The second part of that reason is that once I found out it WAS Wednesday (thanks to you guys!) I started to work on an Acro post. Hey, better late than never right? And about a fourth of the way into it, I looked out my office window and saw my father walking up to my building.
Which really freaked my shit out since my dad lives in New Mexico.
Now for some History:
My father and I never really got along. He and my mother were together off and on until I was fourteen and they finally separated for good. When they did, my dad moved to New Mexico and we stayed here in Texas. I didn't speak to him for five years. And no, not because of some twisted you split up our family thing. My family was way too fucked up for that to have been an issue. In fact, their finally splitting up was a blessing not a disaster.
It wasn't until Emilee was born that it occurred to me to contact him again and even then, I mulled it over for awhile. Emilee was almost one when I wrote my father and told him he had two grand daughters and did he want to meet them?
Since then, I have tried to keep the past where it is and just look ahead.
He and I mostly talk online since he doesn't believe in long distance phone calls. "Why would I want to talk on the phone, Kate, when the Internet is free?" So, the phone calls are usually reserved for Father's Day or his birthday or Christmas. And then, about once a year, he drives here from New Mexico and spends a few days with us.
It was weird initially but since he is such a better grandfather than he was a father, I have learned how to ignore the weirdness and just take it for what it is.
I will never have these great relationships with my parents. They are not the type of parents that fall into any of the categories anywhere near 'Normal'. But they are what they are and I have to be grateful to them for without them, I wouldn't be the person I am. And yeah, the person I am is just ever so slightly fucked in the head because of them but has so many shining examples from them of the person I don't want to be.
Being able to compare myself to my mother since I have become a parent has been astounding. I sit back and I look at her and I think how in the hell am I related to this woman? We are so different in almost every way. I have been utterly and thoroughly confused as to how I turned into the person I am with her as my mother. Jiffinner once said that since my mother and I don't get along that maybe my idea of rebelling was to be the exact opposite of her. Because the exact opposite of my mother is: sober, organized, punctual, forgiving, responsible, nice, stable. For the last few years, Jiffinner's explanation has been the only one that could possibly make sense.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, my father and I went to breakfast and as I was sitting there talking to him all of these things started to pop out at me. Suddenly I was seeing myself in this man I barely know. In less than thirty minutes I could chalk most of the person I am up to him. Which is terrifying. In fact, as it was happening, as my mind was rushing through and comparing me and my father and checking the little box that said "the same" off on so many traits, I was just trying to make it stop.
I had always just thought I was the way I was because I wanted to be. Because it was the person I had chose to be and worked hard to be. In the disdain I carried around for my dad for so many years, I never allowed myself to even consider that he and I were alike. And now that I have, it's like the foundation suddenly cracked. Because if I have so many of his good characteristics, I can't help but wonder how many of the bad ones I have too.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:39 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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12/14/84 - 1/26/05

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