Just like I said I would.
I pulled up my text to him, which read, "I can't stop thinking about you." Let out a sigh of disappointment and then I hit delete, went to his contact page and hit delete and went to my incoming calls and hit delete.
Then, this morning as I am searching for my keys, my phone vibrates.
"Incoming text message."
I open it and it's a 281 area code, which is Houston.
He texted me back :)
It took 23.5 hours, but he texted me back :)
It read, "And after all of that thinking what conclusions have you reached?"
I haven't texted him back yet... what do ya'll think?
But I figured I was allowed a slice of pizza to go with my psychotic emotional girl crap. Let me preface this by telling you that I am in love with James Morrison. I have the kind of love for him that I have for my beloved MB20. And if you know me, you know that is true and lasting love.
I have been listening to him for several weeks now and pretty much know all of the words to all of his songs and want to marry him and have little bluesy, British children that play instruments and sing about love and pain.
That being said, I've had songs with lyrics like this in them:
you make it real for me
and I'm running to you baby
you are the only one who saves me
that's why I've been missing you lately
cause you make it real for me
Under the stars
At the edge of the sea
There's no one around
No one but you and me
We'd talk for hours
As time drifts away
I could stay here forver
And hold you this way
Coz you are all that I need
For you, I give my soul to keep
You see me, love me
Just the way I am
For you I am a better man
I said you are the reason
For everything I do
I'd be lost, so lost without you
And seeing as how I've been in Fantasy Land since Saturday night, day dreaming about the possibility of... well possibilities. This music only furthered my imagination and stupid girly romance thoughts.
And now, I think I need to change cds.
After over analyzing, obsessing, relentlessly emailing my friends and watching my phone like a hawk since Sunday, I finally bit the bullet and texted Dimples. He had found a blog I wrote using my real name and learned about the girls on Monday and then revisited the same blog on Tuesday but hadn't contacted me.
I had conflicting advice from Lola and SnowElf, one saying "DON'T YOU DARE CONTACT HIM!!!" and then other saying, "Do it, I can't believe you waited so long any way..."
So, this morning at 7am, I sent him a text that simply said, "I can't stop thinking about you."
He's text savvy.
He has a freakin' iPhone.
I half expected an immediate response.
I didn't get one.
Which led to a ridiculous amount of emailing back and forth between me and a bunch of you. But the person who put it the best, and my lone male emailer, was DB who said:
In fact, in guy world, he should have texted back by now, unless he's super busy, doesn't have texting on his phone, or is completely ignorant to dating in the web 2.0 world. Although, on that last one, prob not, he did google you after all.
Advice from your dude friend; if he doesn't call or text by tomorrow drop him and enjoy the memory. Especially since you've sent him a text. The ball is in his court now.
So, I've decided that if I don't hear back from him by tonight, I will just delete his number and drop it.
And delete his number.
And not call.
And delete his number.
And not text.
But mostly, delete his number.
So that's where we are.
If we don't hear from him tonight, he is deleted.
And I am going to try and get my head back on straight and get back to focusing on all of the stuff I should have been focusing on this entire week.
Like not eating pizza.
Now we have several bars to choose from & we started with the one that had the most cars parked out front and after paying the five dollar cover and getting our hands stamped, we realized that the vast majority of the people there were much older or much younger than us and the few who weren't were coupled up. Having paid the cover already, we decided to have a few drinks anyway and wait to see if the band was any good. After two VERY loud and VERY country songs, we bailed.
We jumped in the car and went a few blocks over to the bar we usually go to and despite it looking dead, we went in any way. This bar is two stories and lower floor has a bar you can sit at, a bunch of tables and a dance floor with a stage. We aren't first floor chics and we usually go upstairs which has another bar, pool tables and a banister-ed walking area going around so that you can watch the people dancing below while you hang out.
Fairy and I like to go upstairs and get our drinks from the bar that is up there right next to the banister so we can see everything going on. The problem was that once we got upstairs we realized that the bar wasn't busy enough for the upstairs bar to be open. About this time Fairy's new boyfriend (!!!) called and she went out on the porch to talk to him which left me to venture back downstairs to get our drinks.
I walk over to the part of the bar where the bartender can enter and exit and there are two guys standing there wanting to get drinks as well, one of which is the basis of my little tale here and who we will be calling Dimples. I made eye contact with him and smiled and he looked away shyly. I got my drinks and went back upstairs.
Here is the thing though, I recognized him. I couldn't figure out from where or how, but I just had this VERY strong feeling that I knew who he was.
Once I found Fairy I told her about him. We had to wait a few minutes for him to be in our line of sight but once he was, she agreed that he was adorable but said she didn't think she'd seen him before. I was racking my brain trying to figure out where I knew him from. At this point, I am wanting to go downstairs, I mean I can't make eyes at this guy if we are upstairs and he is downstairs but Fairy is telling me no, that we should just wait.
In the famous words of Inigo Montoya, "I hate wait."
It turned out that she was right though. A few minutes later Dimples and his friend who we will call Marty came upstairs to play pool. Fairy and I both saw them coming up the stairs and she leaned over and was all, "make eye contact!"
Having known Fairy as long as I have and having been out with her when she was single, I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that had that conversation went the other way, she would have said, "no way!" and blushed a deep crimson. But apparently when she has a BF, she has balls.
And so do I.
So right before he was going to walk behind us headed to the pool tables, I turned and made eye contact and smiled. And he looked away all shyly again. Which, while cute, was becoming a little questionable. And I was still trying to figure out who he was.
He and his friend played two games of pool and then came over to stand at the banister, about three feet from where we were watching the band and the people dancing.
Fairy and I are talking and joking and laughing and the band stops playing and all but the singer bail for a break. The singer stays to play something acoustic, I don't remember what it was, but Fairy was all into it. And about half way through the song, this random chic gets up on stage and takes a mic and starts singing with him. At this point Marty looks over at us and says, "dang, I didn't realize it was karaoke tonight. You girls are next!"
Fairy and I laugh and I have NEVER been more happy to have guys start talking to us before because we were totally hoping they would. More me than Fairy of course, but she was hoping for me so it still counts.
The four of us start joking around and talking which was super easy to do since Marty has a fantastic personality and was hilarious. You could tell that Marty was the outgoing one and Dimples was definitely the shy one. After a few minutes he came around and started talking. Some how, I'm going with miraculously, he and I managed to pair off and went over to the abandoned bar which is just a few feet from the banister and started talking.
We were talking and laughing like two people who had known each other for a very long time and I was still dying to figure out how I knew him. So I asked him how long he'd lived here and he says this is the first time he's been here.
I have to take a second to kind of explain how adorable he is. I know I posted that half a picture I snapped with my camera phone but it doesn't even begin to do him justice. He is probably between six foot and six foot two which makes him quite a bit taller than me. He has these amazing eyes and I know I'm about to sound all Super Cheese here but they freaking smile or twinkle or something. It's nuts. And when he smiles at you with those eyes and his set of adorable double dimples and with this genuine sincerity? Yeah, you're screwed. The best thing and without a doubt one of my most favorite things was when I made him laugh. I really love it when I can make a guy laugh.
He is a chemical engineer and a software developer and ridiculously smart. At one point later in the night we were talking about genius and I asked him if he was a genius and he said, "Kate, I don't really think it matters. Some tests put me there but you know, it doesn't really matter how smart you are if you can't talk to people. Look at Einstein. He discovered Relativity! But if he hadn't been able to tell anyone about it, would it have even mattered?"
I cannot remember a time, if there ever even was one, where I connected with someone so immediately and so smoothly. I just felt like I knew him and he was giving me the same vibe. It was new. Everything just felt so real. Which of course made it feel surreal.
Before I knew it Fairy's new BF was there to get her and I was heading back to the first bar with Marty and Dimples, it was probably about 11pm by then. Dimples and I went outside and stood there looking at the stars and talking until 2am.
During this time, we got physically closer but he didn't make any moves on me. We were just standing close enough to one another to be touching pretty much the whole time and when we were talking, he'd touch my arms or my back or whatever. So I was thinking, this is going well.
When the bar closed up and they sent us packing, they invited me to follow them back to the cabin that they were staying at which was like three miles from my house. I followed them there and the three of us sat downstairs for about an hour talking with Dimples and I snuggled up on the couch with a blanket (because it was effing cold last night here). At about 3am after Dimples had to call my cell phone because it was lost in the bowels of the couch, Marty went upstairs to the bedroom and left the two of us alone downstairs. I kept expecting him to put the moves on me but instead I was sitting on his right and he just kind of pulled me closer and the two of us laid on the couch with his head on my chest talking until about four thirty or five.
(ps. I'm too old to stay up all night)
At one point, he was telling me a story and at the end of it, he looked over at me and he said, "You know, it's a little unnerving that I am sitting here telling you all of these things about me." He started ticking all of this personal stuff off, listing all of the random things he'd told me. I laughed and told him, "oh, I wouldn't worry about it. It might be unnerving right now, but tomorrow when you drive back to Houston, I'll just be some girl in MyTown and it won't seem so bad." He looked me dead in the eye and said, "it probably won't be as unnerving tomorrow, but you won't just be some girl from MyTown."
About five, he scooted up to the top of the couch so that I was laying in the crook of his arm on my back and he was on his side with his head above mine. We were starting to get too tired to talk any more. We're laying there all entangled quietly and I said, "I feel like I should mention that this isn't usually how I spend my Saturday nights." He chuckled and said, "I think this is new to both of us."
We laid there quietly a little while longer and I was starting to get afriad that he wasn't going to ever kiss me and people, we might not have been fooling around but we were definitely comfortable enough all entwined on the couch for me get a kiss. And I wanted one.
So I asked him, "would it be horribly inappropriate for me to kiss you?" And he says, "Can you define inappropriate?" and I said, "No fair, my question was easier." He didn't say anything for a few moments and then he said, "Well I guess it depends on if someone would be upset if you kissed me." It sounded to me like he was trying to ask if I was seeing anyone, which I am freaking not. So I thought about it for a second and then said, "you know, I think my grandmother would probably be upset if she knew I was kissing this guy I had just met." This got another chuckle from him and his hand, which was on my back, went from outside of my shirt to inside and he is just slowly caressing my back and neck and lower back and the two of us are turning a little more to face each other and it is dark so I couldn't see him at all.
When we finally got close enough to kiss, he drew it out for a glorious amount of time, just barely brushing my lips with his lips and then coming back and doing it again, and then just a little tiny flick of his tongue and then to my neck and then back. It was probably a couple of minutes before I was actually kissed but goddamn it, it was totally worth the build up.
After we made out for a few minutes, he pulled me in really closer and we were back to being entwined and snuggled up together and that was it. I think I've heard of these mythical creatures who wait to have sex, I just haven't ever encountered one before.
This was about six o'clock and we both started to doze in and out. And you know when you meet someone and you just don't want to sleep? You know it will be over in the morning and you don't want to miss any of it but you fall asleep any way because geez, you've been awake since 6am the day before.
He snores, so I woke up often which I was strangely grateful for because it gave me time to just lay there with him and think about it all. And it was during all of that thinking that I started to feel guilty because I hadn't said anything about the girls the whole time. Now, truthfully, if I am picking up a dude in a bar, I don't talk about my kids. Why would I? I'm not going to see them again. But this guy? I want to see him again. God I want to see him again. But he was going back to Houston today and granted Houston is only four hours, not the other effing side of the country or anything but still four hours isn't convenient and even if he did want to come back and see me, he doesn't know about the girls which is pretty much the biggest deal ever. I've suffered rejection before because I already have the kids and the family and I am totally ok with that. I love them, they are my life and I've said it before, if being alone is the price I pay for having these amazing daughters, I gladly accept the charges. But you can't help but get a little hopeful before you disclose the information. You can't help but hope that this guy is the guy who is going to still want to be with you.
So I am laying there thinking about all of this and thinking about how much I don't want to leave but knowing I really do need to. At about seven thirty, I started to sit up and he pulled me right back down with him and in even closer and that was just about all of the convincing I needed to stay put for a little while longer but at eight I had to get up. My kids were going to be getting up and I don't like to roll in all post bar at nine in the morning in front of them. He was asleep so I managed to slip off the couch and sit on the other end before he knew it. He all rubbed his adorable sleepy eyes and laid there looking at me. He just looks at me. I can't explain it, but it's like he is looking at me. And I find I am the one breaking the look because it's too much for me. I want to grab him and kiss him and say things I'm not sure I mean yet.
We sat there for a few minutes just looking at each other and then I finally said, "I've got to go." He said ok and then we got side tracked and started talking again for like another thirty minutes. During this time, both of us got our shoes on and he walked me out to my car. I put my stuff in the back seat and leaned against the car and looked at him and he does it again. Just looks right into my eyes and doesn't say anything. For at least a minute until I break and step forward and give him a hug. He smoothed my hair down and said, "I had a really great time last night." I said I had as well and he said, "I'm really glad to have met you." I said I was too and then he said, "you have my phone number and I have yours." I said, "yup" and told him to be careful on his way home today. He stood out there while I made this awkward three point turn to get out of the strangely shaped parking area and then right before I pulled out into the road, I smiled and waved and he did too.
Despite the fact that I wanted to stay home and sleep and Fairy made me go.
That guy above was involved in a way that will take a much longer and not so tired from staying up all night blog post.
But lets just say: wow.
And I don't mean wow in an I got really super laid way, I mean wow in a holy shit where has this guy been my whole life way.
But it's never that easy so stay tuned.
My laptop is currently residing at the San Angelo stock show and rodeo where we have a model home set up and since the guys needed a way to send us info back, I lent them my scanner and laptop until the beginning of March. So much for my new writing mission eh?
In other news, I started my Foster Parent classes.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
My first class was Tuesday night and I left feeling like I was about to explode from this overwhelming emotional avalanche. I could barely introduce myself without crying. I can explain why I feel this way. I'm some how very strongly connected to this.
I called SnowElf on my way home and un-freaking-loaded on her because I had to get it all out.
When I left the girls fathers, when I bought my first car, when I signed my first lease, when I got a freaking cell phone plan, when I bought my house - right before I made each of those decisions, I had the same thought, "I don't have to do this. This is a huge commitment to my life and I don't have to do it. I can take the easier way out." And I could have. I could have stayed with the girls fathers. I was unhappy but it seemed easier at the times. I could have left the money in the bank and kept driving my old beater. That was safe. I could have not moved into my new place. Leases were scary to me. Saying I promised to stay somewhere for a specific amount of time scared the ever loving shit out of me back then. Ironically, I stayed in the house for almost five years. My cell phone was the same way. Two years? I don't know if I want this for two years. But the most recent was buying my house. And I remember one day when I was packing before I closed, I remember so clearly thinking, "I don't have to do this." Packing was hard, moving was hard, accepting that I would be paying three hundred dollars a month was hard. It would have been easier to stay where I was. There was security there, I was safe there. I was nicely snuggled into my rut and coming out and starting a new rut looked scary.
I felt that same rush of panic when I was sitting there filling out paperwork. It's the Holy-Shit-My-Life-Is-About-To-Change Panic.
And it's scary.
So let me tell you a little about the class. There are five families there. There are The Therapists who have three kids and are looking to Foster/Adopt up to two school age children. Then there are the couple that live in my town who have two grown kids and one at home teen who are also looking to Foster/Adopt up to two school age children. Next is the lady who used to work for children's services who switched jobs because I guess you aren't allowed to foster when you work for the foster place, conflict of interest or something. Anyway, she has a grown son and she and her fiancé are looking to Foster/Adopt teenaged boys. There is the couple who can't have kids who are looking to Foster/Adopt elementary aged kids, up to two. Then there is the single woman who couldn't have children when she was married and is now divorced and there with her parents, she wants a child under two, preferably an infant to adopt.
Then there is me.
And let me tell you, sitting in that room full of couples and families, I was feeling very out of place.
That was until one of our teachers stood up and explained that he is a single father of two adopted teenaged boys.
What is apparently amazing is that we are all Foster/Adopt. Per one of our teachers, that isn't the norm. Normally a bunch of the people there are couples who can't conceive and they are looking to adopt infants. The second and much more amazing thing was that we were all more interested in children 5-10 years old. It seems that we can all skip right over fostering and jump right into adopting. There is a plethora of available for adoption children between five and ten years old. A plethora.
This is kind of what sent me into such a spin.
This means, in as little as six months, I could have a new daughter.
Wrap your head around that!
And my first instinct was to take a step back. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe.
Because I know, in my heart, in my soul, that I am supposed to be doing this. She, whoever she is, needs me. And I know she is out there right now and in a matter of months, she will be with us, in our home and part of our family. I don't know who she is yet but I can feel her. I can feel her needing me and it's preventing me from being able to move away from this new scary thing. In fact, it's pushing me right towards it.
So tonight, when I get to class, I am changing my status from Foster/Adopt to Adopt. Because there is no reason at all for me not to skip right to the point. And the point of this all is that there are a shitload of little kids out there without homes and without families. And I have and can provide both of those things to one more person. And even though it's just one more person, it's one more person.
To this day, when I take count of how many great friends I have, more than half of that count is made up from the ladies (and gentleman) I met on that trip. These are people I hold near and very dear to my heart. And right up there on the top of that list is the phenomenal and amazing Lola.
She and I were practically attached at the hip on that trip and have been super close ever since even if we only see each other like every three years :)
On my first trip out of the country, she showed me how amazing her home city of Toronto is and certainly made me want to make the trip again and often. In fact, I think when all of my kids are gone and I'm alone and sad, I will be making several trips a year to Toronto just to hang out.
We talk on the phone frequently, especially when either of us is in some kind of boy-drama-turmoil situation (which is like every month, lol) and I love her like a sister.
So join me in wishing her a super happy birthday!
I love you girly! I don't know what I would do without you!
"Mom, I want to go home I'm bored."
"Sorry chica, I'm working. We have to stay."
"It's not fair, at least you get to have fun..."
"Amanda, I am redesigning an excel spread sheet. It isn't fun. Do you want to do it?"
"Sure! It sounds like more fun than what I am doing."
"Why, what are you doing?"
"I am making little men out of mints and their king is made out of paperclips and an army to protect them from toothpicks. Clearly I've reached the maximum level of boredom."
You read that right.
I have been mad at myself for the better part of three years.
That's a long time huh? Usually when one gets mad at themself and doesn't develop some life-destroying addition to something, they usually get over it much faster.
Do you know what happened approximately three years ago?
Approximately three years ago I went to work for the aquatic company.
You remember right?
The job of pain and suffering?
Where I was made to poke small children with sharp objects and light cats on fire?? Ok, maybe I'm exagerating a little. But that was what it felt like there.
And while many good things came from that job...
Ok, not many.
First of all I became forever friends with Linda whom I love and adore and wish I could adopt.
And secondly, I got the job I have now.
The amount of horrible and unpleasant things that happened as a result of that job are too many to name. But, one of them, and the core reason I have been mad at myself is that I stopped writing.
I stopped blogging and really when that happened, I stopped writing.
A lot of stuff happened and while I truly believe that when you love something you make time for it, I didn't.
I broke my foot, bought a house, let my brother move in, got a new job, started trying to cook things, my girls got older and started staying up later, I tried to spend more time with my friends.
A lot happened.
But because Life happened and because I allowed it to get in the way of my writing, I feel like a distant cousin to my writing instead of a twin.
And now I want to get my twin back.
So I took a step, a step I am hoping will help me with that.
I got a laptop.
Wait, let me rephrase.
I got a really good deal on a laptop.
And I am hoping, now that I can lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the floor while my wifi connects me to the rest of the cyber world, I will write.
Labels: my crazy life
But the thing is, I'm in MAD home improvement mode right now. It's tax time and I am replacing all of my flooring! YAY FOR NEW FLOORING!
I knew I was either going to redo my floors or build a covered front porch when I got my taxes and as much as I want so very badly to have a new front porch, the ickiness of carpet is eating away at me..
So instead, I am going to do the floors and save the porch for next year. We are beginning by laying tile in my kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms. And although my brother is all "oooh, do red!" or "oooh do blue!" or "oooooh you should do green!!" I am a little more of the mind set that something more neutral would be better so I am looking at something a little more like these:
And I would love to do some kind of accent on the floors with something like this...
But the bigger and much more exciting part for me is going to be tearing the carpet out of the bedrooms and the living rooms and the office and the hallway and replacing it all with this:
I was momentarily sidetracked and under the illusion that I was rich or something while I lusted after this.
After two days of searching for the best possible price on this zebra style strand woven bamboo flooring with the least expensive option being twice the regular bamboo costs I had to step away. Whenever I start to want to spend more money than I should I have to remember that I am selling this house in a few years and so all of my improvements and investments aren't really mine and should be great but also neutral and cost effective.
But people, in my next home? Totally having recycled ceramic tiling and zebra style strand woven bamboo flooring.
Adding to that the fact that I am going to finally invest in some grown up stuff in my kitchen. Some stainless steel cookware: And something I've been needing for a LONG time - actual silverware. I have been in the land of bend-when-you-scoop-ice-cream-spoons bought from Wal-Mart for way too long. I picked the Oneida Mooncrest because they were the most simple and I liked the name.
I can admit it.
"Mooncrest" just sounds cool and Universally Sound to me.
That's how I make choices sometimes.
My other two major purchases before I am done with my Christmas in February tirade are this green house:
And a zoom lens for my Nikon (which I finally got back yesterday! yay!) so that I can take even badder ass pictures at softball this year!
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you donâ€™t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
The Adorable DB
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
A few years later...
The Red Princess Detective
Song of the day - Cover Me
Enchiladas and Spanish rice for my sister
Kale, leeks and pesto over pumpkin ginger rice noo...
bedding and barstools and dinnerware, OH MY!
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
Bowling For Soup
Our Lady Peace
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal