I was retelling this story for a co-worker and thought I would share it here. Now, for those of you who don't know what a Scorpion is, let me enlighten you. A Scorpion is an evil demon sent by the devil to inhabit Texas and inflict god-awful pain upon anyone dumb enough to get with in ten square feet of it's evil stinging tail of death. It looks like this:
Only you should imagine snarling and hissing sounds....and glowing eyes...
So, it was July here in the great state of Texas. For those of you who don't know, July in Texas is the heat equivalent of chicken being dropped into grease to fry. The term 'hotter than hell' refers to Texas. I am a poor pathetic girl without AC in my room. Normally this is fine as I do not get hot and a fan is sufficient. The AC is in the girls room and the living room. However, on this particular night it was very hot. So much so that I had chunked all of my blankets on the floor and was doing the sheets only and wasn't even covered up. It was hot enough to keep you from falling asleep all the way because you were on the verge of sweating. I had contemplated going and sleeping with one of the girls but had decided against it as I didn't want to move my alarm clock.
So I am just dozing off when I feel something crawl onto my leg. Let me clarify for you. I was laying on my stomach in a t-shirt and boxer shorts almost asleep. It crawled onto the very top part of my leg, directly under my ass. I knew immediately what it was because of the way it moved. Spiders move much faster and aren't as large. So, rather than jump up and scream, I opted to lay still and wait for it to climb off of me and then haul ASS off of the bed. However the demon had different ideas. It's idea was to sit on my leg and wait for morning. Little fucker.
After about five agonizing minutes I had formulated what seemed like a good plan. My plan was to reach around behind me and knock the scorpion off of my leg and jump out of the bed, it seemed fool-proof at the time. It wasn't. You'll notice in the picture that scorpions have pinchers, little crab like claws. In case you were wondering, they do use these.
The next twenty seconds played out like this. I reach behind me psyching myself out and go to flick off the demon. The demon stings me about six inches away from my ass, then grabs hold of my forearm. I bounce out of bed and fling the demon, but not before he stings me twice more on my forearm. Considering that the sting of a scorpion is one of the most painful things in the world, I am proud to say that I didn't scream. It must have been all the practice I have had with pain... You know, like childbirth.
So, I run into the living room and wake my mother (who was there to watch the kids for me the next day). I am crying. She jumps up and comes with me into my room to help me find the beast. We strip my bed and get EVERYTHING off of the floor. No demon. My mom goes into the bathroom and is trying to help me find something to stop the pain and my whimpering. When I turn around, she says and I quote "ok, don't freak out"... I ask her 'what?' and she reiterates that I need to not freak out and then tells me that the demon is in my hair. OH YEAH, like I am not going to freak out!!!! I did what any mature grown up would do, I ran through the house saying 'get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off...' I think there was some flailing involved as well but, who remembers? When my mother finally convinced me to hold still she flicked the demon out of hair and onto the ground where we proceeded to stomp on him numerous times leaving no visible proof that it was ever a scorpion. In fact, the demon is now a permanent part of my floor.
I could compare the putting of ice onto my ass and arm to a cigarette after sex. My post scorpion homicide relaxation tactic. I had one hell of a head rush and was sore for days. Avoid those evil heathens by all means necessary.
~Kate
Labels: Being Retarded, my crazy life, scorpions, un-fucking-believable
