Monday, January 31, 2005
Veronique Celis
I have put off writing anything here for a few days now because I just didn't think I could with out breaking down, I apologize.
First, I want to thank all of you (and you know who you are) for the e-mails, the flowers, the cards, the support and the shoulders. I have never experienced anything like this before and without all of you who allowed me to lean on you for support, I don't think I would have made it this far.

I know that you all are wondering what happened. Veronique went out on Wednesday (the 26th) with a guy. I spoke with her as she was walking out the door and asked her where she was going. She said she was going to meet this guy and he was going to teach her how to ride a motorcycle. I told her she was crazy and that she shouldn't go because motorcycles are bad. She just laughed at me and told me she was so excited and had always wanted to ride one. I told her to be careful, she said that she would and that she would call me tomorrow.
I never heard from her on Thursday and was very worried by Thursday night. I called and left her several messages. I bitched at her and told her that she needed to call because she was worrying me. I called her Friday morning on my way to work because I figured she'd be asleep and I could wake her up and tell her to never, ever, ever do that to me again. You see, it wasn't like her to not call. Not even for one day. I spoke to her every day, and most likely three or four times a day. She didn't answer Friday and I left her another message and then even called back hoping she was asleep and I would wake her.
When I got to work, I talked to two of my co-workers and told them how worried I was. They, of course, reassured me that she was probably fine and just having too much fun to realize that she hadn't called.
At about 12:30, Garrett (Veronique's ex) called me and told me that Veronique had left us. Those are the words I keep hearing in my head 'Veronique left us yesterday' over and over again.
She went and met the guy Wednesday night. He let her get on his bike alone and without a helmet. She was supposedly practicing in a parking lot and ran into a wall. They took her to the hospital where she died Thursday morning.
For those of you who knew her, even briefly, you knew that there was no one like her. For those of you who didn't, listen to me. You will be lucky to even meet one person in your whole lifetime that is even remotely like her. She was the epitome of everything that could make you happy. She was beautiful and funny and more caring than I can even encompass. She would do anything for a friend and everyone was her friend. Many of you knew her online and you should know that you were one of hundreds of friends that she had online friendships with, because she had that much to give. She always had time for everyone who wanted her time and she always had something to offer. She would cry because you were sad and she would laugh because you were happy. She did some of the most selfless things I have ever seen a person do and never expected anything in return.
I remember the day that she told me about a picture she had of me on her mantle. She said that whenever anyone asked her who I was that she would tell them 'That's my best friend'. I remember thinking, wow, I'm her best friend... Out of all the people who knew and loved her, out of all the people she talked lovingly about, she picked me. Me. She was so much better than me in so many ways and I couldn't believe that someone so much cooler than me picked me as her best friend.

These last few days have been the most impossible to live and I just keep trying to think of what she would want me to do. I am trying hard to do right by her and make sure that everyone she cared about knows and that anyone who needs to talk can call me. I know it gets better eventually and I know that the pain will ease. I just can't imagine living life with out her. She was such a great person and one I will never, ever forget.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:27 AM
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Friday, January 28, 2005
We lost a great person yesterday.
Yesterday, readers, the world lost a truly wonderful person and I lost a very close friend. There is not and never again will be anyone like Veronique Celis.

December 14, 1984 - January 26, 2005

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:18 PM
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
And then I spewed water everywhere...
I'm sitting at the computer waiting for Amanda to finish her last drink of water before she hops into bed. She and my sister are discussing something that I am half heartedly listening to in the kitchen... Ok, so the conversation went like this:

Amanda says to Ruthie, "Yeah, well, you eat beans.... lots of them. And beans make you fart!"

To which, Ruthie replied, "Amanda, I've got news for you girly. Everyone, everywhere, farts."

Then Emilee, who is lying in her bed says, "Kangaroos don't fart."

-insert spewing of water here-
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:45 PM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Yet another victim in my search for a car...
Two posts today to make up for none yesterday... Were ya sad readers??? Did you miss me?? :P

So, another car... In case you missed the tear stained memo I sent out last week, the ZX5 is out. Turns out that we had 7,800 in it rather than the 6,100 we paid for it.. So it would have cost me about 8,500, which is no deal. So, the car shopping continues. Next on my list???

2002 Buick Century

Now this is a full size car, not exactly what I was looking for, but certainly not ruled out for being BIGGER, lol. Kind of keeps me in my owning a granny car habit, but who cares? When I am a granny, I will have a god damned Mustang Convertible to reverse the effects :)

So, details, details, details...
Miles: 44,200, V6, AC, anti-lock brakes, cruise, power locks, mirrors, windows, tilt, remote keyless entry... Doesn't say on stereo and it's DUMPING rain out, so I am not going outside to check today...
Any thoughts readers?? According to the
websites for these things, this car is great...
According to
my gas mileage website, it gets 20 city, 29 hwy... not bad...

So, I am going to talk to Mr. Pre-owned Sales Manager tomorrow.. The car has been in stock for 8 days... Usually, I don't have to much haggling room until 30 days... However, on the plus side, we only paid 6,100 for it :) And according to
Kelly Blue Book Online, trade in value is 6,500. So I would be getting it for less than it's trade in value... Not to mention that retail on it is 10,915...

We'll see :)

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:46 AM
| link to this post | 0 spoke |

A post a day keeps the drug tests away...
So, my boss walks in about an hour ago and the conversation goes as follows:
"Hey, Kate, how are you doing?"
"Fine... What's up?"
"So, have you done any drugs lately?"
I laugh and say "No, you know that..."
"Ok, good, because they selected you for the 'random drug testing'... You need to go upstairs..."

LOL... The good thing is that I don't do drugs of any kind so this was no big deal. I actually asked Jiffinner for a hydrocodone about three weeks ago because I had hurt my back and her husband had some from his knee surgery, but he was out.

So up the stairs I go. Interesting conglomeration of people up there including Mr. I... This made things slightly awkward seeing as how his GF works upstairs... It's strange to stand next to the guy you have been intimate with numerous times and not say more than a few words to him.
So, they have you fill out this paper and stand in line (about 25 of us were 'randomly' selected) and then when it is your turn, you go into the ladies room and wash your hands and then come back out and get your cup to pee in. You then go into the mens room and pee in it. Then you walk back out, by all of your co-workers, with your cup-o-pee and hand it to the lady who pours it into a tube.
Fun times... Nothing like sharing your bodily fluids with those you work with. I was just glad I got out of there with out anyone tripping and sending pee flying everywhere. Yuck.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:24 AM
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Several different shades of idiot...
You know when someone says their face turned several different shades of red? Ok, well I officially know what it feels like to be several different shades of idiot.
So, I am driving home last night and about two miles from my house, my car starts making this click click click noise… (Ok, so I drive an ’86 Fifth Avenue… I get so many new noises, I’ve stopped counting.) So, I think that maybe something is hitting my tire… so I listen a little longer and notice that it doesn’t slow or speed up as I go faster or slower… Not a tire thing. Well I get home and put the car in park and see if it stops when taken out of gear. Nope. Hmmmmm. Well since I am a chic and I can’t do anything more about the noise at 9pm, I go inside.

About an hour and a half later, I take my mom home. We aren’t a mile from my house when my mom says “Hey, your car is making a noise…” I tell her I know and I have no idea what it is. She asks how long it has been making the noise. I tell her it started right before I got home. She listens for a few more seconds and then asks me the dreaded question “When was the last time you had your oil checked?” OH NO! My response was something like “uuuuhhhhhhh….”
Yup folks, a quick glance at that little oil change sticker thingy that they put up on your window informs me that my oil should have been changed –GASP- 5000 miles ago! OMFG! By now, I am on like my third or fourth shade of idiot.
So, we get to my moms which is like 2 ½ miles from my house and she grabs a couple of quarts of oil from the truck and we check mine. She grabs a paper towel and we clean off the dip stick. We put it back in and… well there was no need to clean it off again. Fifth shade of idiot. So we put two quarts in (which was all she had) and start the car. It’s still making the click click click noise. I am so totally freaking out now. My mom says drive it home and put it in tomorrow for an oil change and have them check everything out. I ask her if it is broken and she says “Well it’s running…” Uh, yeah but is it broken???
Well, I call Mr. I (who is doing his homework) and FREAK out. I tell him the whole story and admit that I am not worthy of owning a vehicle if I am such a supreme dumb ass. He tells me to calm down (through some laughter which I know I deserve) and to go get two more quarts of oil. Well I pull into the EZ Mart and put my car in park and glance into the window. There are no less than three twenty something cute boys in there. I look down and see that I have on my gray pajama pants, a HUGE t-shirt that says TEXAS on the front and “You can all go to hell, I’ll go to Texas.” – Davy Crockett on the back. I have NO BRA on and I have on fuzzy purple house shoes (which are really like ankle boots). And I don’t mean like a little fuzzy, I mean it looks like I have purple Himalayan cats on my feet.
I relay all of this to Mr. I who laughs at me and says it is probably ok to wait until tomorrow with just the two quarts… but Kate, you have GOT TO get your car checked tomorrow.
Well, so much for the gym today… I am spending my lunch break cleaning my car and taking it in.


Queen of the Dumb-asses
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:30 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Cute boy at the gym...
So, last night, when I get off work, I head to the gym. I am talking to Veronique on my cell phone when I pull up. I decide to wait in my car while the couple making out by the car in front of me finish up. In the meantime, I look in the window of the gym and surprise, surprise, there are several little hotties in there. I am relaying this info to Veronique when the chic finally ends her lip-lock with her honey and speeds off. So I tell Veronique that I am going to go ahead and go in and I will call her when I am done. I grab my gym bag and head for the door.
After changing and grabbing my water, I head over to The Death Machine. The gym has TV’s hung up everywhere so I got to watch some special on Johnny Carson while I attempted suicide via exercise. Well, as I am watching Phyllis Diller talk about Johnny, I have the pleasure of seeing several more guys come in… (One of which, if you are interested, dropped something and bent over right in front of me showing off a VERY nice ass. Anyway, I digress.)

So, all of these twenty something stud muffins (did I just say 'stud muffins'??? oh no) are working out and I suddenly am losing interest in poor Johnny and my eyes are repeatedly straying over to these cutie pies lifting weights. I love the gym.
Well, I see another one come in out of the corner of my eye and when he is about four feet from me, I glance over and lock eyes with him. He looks the other way. Hmmmm… So through out my forty five minutes of hell, he comes over and gets a drink of water from the water fountain right next to me about every 5 minutes… The guy isn’t even sweating and he needs that much water??? lol… after his water he stands about two feet from me for about 20 seconds and scopes out whatever is on TV before heading back to the weights…
Ok, guys, I am not a complete dumb-ass (yet anyway, that comes later in the evening-wait for my next post)… This guy wants to talk to me, I can tell. I am like mentally vibing him that it is ok… ***say hi, cute boy… it’s ok... say hi*** Anyway, The Death Machine finally takes me down to my cool down, so I wait until cute boy can see me and then I walk into the girls locker room… (Don’t want him thinking I left while he wasn’t looking you know.) So, I am in there for awhile because I do the dry sauna and then take a shower and fix my hair.

So about 15 minutes later, I come out smelling all pretty and looking a helluva lot better than I did sweating my ass off on The Death Machine. And wouldn’t you know that I walk out of the locker room two seconds too late! If I had come out just two seconds sooner, I would have ran smack into this guy! Instead I walk out and see his back as he heads back to the weights. Oh well.
I go outside and call Veronique back and I am telling her all of this while I dig in my gym bag for my keys when lo and behold, look who is coming outside. I hang up on Veronique so that cute boy can talk to me… However we are parked on totally different sides of the parking lot, so he hops into his truck and doesn’t even TRY to talk to me :( Oh well, maybe next Monday :P

I know my guy radar isn’t completely dysfunctional. Come on! Two seconds earlier this guy was totally going back to the weights and then he is outside? Yeah right. Veronique asked me why I didn’t go and talk to him… Truth is I have no idea how to start a conversation in the parking lot of the gym…


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:22 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Monday, January 24, 2005
Just another manic Monday...
It's just another Manic Monday... :)
Yup, everything is crazy, just as Mondays should be :) You know, with the right amount of sleep, I love Mondays... Lots of work to keep me busy on my eleven hour day. Today has been BUSY BUSY BUSY. Several internet leads, my phone is ringing like crazy. My boss wants me to make a schedule for the salesmen for the next month. My mom needs my help finding parts for the truck (which, to his credit, Mr. I is helping me find)... I have good music and no one hear to bitch about me having it up to loud...
So, I really like this guy. Fortunately, so does everyone else :) I mean I like him as much as you can like some one on paper anyway :P I haven't heard from him today yet, but that's fine since I would feel guilty not being able to write him back anyway... On paper, we look awfully compatible, which is good...
I'm going to the gym tonight when I get off work. I remembered to bring everything this time so no need to have Jiffinner bring me my tennis shoes :) I am going to scope out what we have in pre-owned today... hopefully I can replace the ZX5 I had such a crush on...

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great Monday, one blessed with lot of caffeine :)
(side note- notice that the word caffeine doesn't follow the I before E rule?? unless is means after C at all and not immediately...)

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:53 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Saturday, January 22, 2005
My ex is a putz...
Men, UG!
Ok... so that is probably not fair but... oh well. If you are a guy and you don't feel like being generalized right now, move on. Because in my recent experiences, men just suck.
Ok, so I know this chic, whom we will refer to as A -yeah you know who you are- who has gone through legal HELL with her ex and their child and I have always felt just awful for her. When I talked to my ex tonight, I thought shit I need to talk to A...
That mother fucking prick. He just gets off on being an asshole. But before we get into exactly how big of a jerk he is, let me say now in all honesty that I have NO feelings left over for this guy. I think that ending our relationship was possibly one of the top five BEST decisions that I have ever made! Ok, so I call him a few times a week so that he can talk to Trin. It is better for me to call him so that we can get Trin when she is in a good mood and I am not too busy to hold the phone up to her head and coerce her into saying things for her father. Well I have called him a few times this week and repeatedly gotten his answering machine. I ALWAYS leave a message because I don't want him to later say that I never called. Well I called today and got the machine. I silently thanked my lucky stars and then went on about my day. Well he called back tonight and Trin talked to him for a few minutes. I tried to get her to talk and she did some 'the cow says moo, the horsey says neigh' things for him but after a few minutes she wants to go. She is two, the phone isn't exactly fun for her. So afterwards, as has become our routine, I try and update him on how she is doing. Well after I do he says: Kate, I need to talk to you. I promised my girl friend that I wouldn't hold back anymore with you. Because you see, I have been biting my tongue and not saying the things I want to say to you.
Then he proceeds to ask me what it is that I want from him. This is off the wall and I am not prepared to get all argumentative. So, I just tell him that I don't expect anything from him except for him to be a good father.
He is all like 'hmmmm mmmm' like your therapist would say. Oh yeah, BTW, that is what he is in school for. I WILL NEVER GET A THERAPIST NOW, not with that condescending bullshit tone. That I know what you are thinking and you don't attitude.
He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe anything that I say because he doesn't trust me. He actually laughs while he is saying this and says 'you don't expect me to believe/trust you do you? Like this is some mutual inside joke rather than a clear insult. (Remember HE cheated on me, not the other way around) So I just asked him why in the hell he even bothered asking me then if he doesn't even believe me! You know what that pompous fuck said??? He says 'I can read between the lines. I just asked you the question to see how you would answer. Then I could see what you really mean...'
Yeah so, as you can imagine this conversation went downhill from there. He basically said that our daughter was a financial and emotional burden on him and that he knew this was going to happen which is why he wanted me to have the abortion. So, I told him if she was such a burden then he could sign his rights away, I'll have the papers drawn up on Monday. He changed his tone REAL quick then.
He basically said he wants to come down here and set visitation sometime this year or early next year because he doesn't think that we are going to be able to work it out ourselves... Besides, his girl friend thinks it's a good idea.


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:48 PM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Friday, January 21, 2005
He calls...
WTF? Ok, so I leave work today and I am talking to Veronique about how I wasn't going to be able to get the Focus (so basically whining on the phone)... and my other line beeps. I honestly thought it was going to be either the gymnastics place or the karate place I called today. I left messages at both places for class times and prices for Amanda who has decided she wants an extraciricular activity now.
So anyway, my other line beeps and I say to Veronique 'crap, my other line is beeping...' Then I look to see who it is and HOLY SHIT. I'll be damned if the called ID doesn't say Mr. I... So, I tell Veronique something like 'OMG, it's Mr. I.." I have no idea what she said because I think I hung up on her... -sorry, btw-
So, I click over and
I say (nonchalantly), "Hello?"
He says: "Hey..."
I say: "Hey..."
He says: "I haven't talked to you in awhile..."
I say: "Yeah I know..."
Ok, yeah, so I am not going to write out the whole damn conversation like that! LOL Anyway, I told him I thought he had been away on a guilt trip like last time... Last time his guilt trip lasted 3 days, I figure we're up to five now... (Shit, if I keep sleeping with him, there may be entire years in between us talking before long, lol) I asked him if he took luggage with him this time.. He laughed. I asked him what he has been up to and he said "Kaaaaate, you know what I have been up to... same stuff, school and work..." So I said something to the effect that last week was just like any other week except he didn't have time to call me... Then his laugh went down a knotch to that nervous oh shit laugh... He asked why I hadn't called. AND THEN IT HIT ME! That fucker was testing me, to see how long before I would break down and call him! Fuck, if I had known that, this last week would have been a lot more enjoyable... knowing that he was waiting to hear from me and wondering why I wasn't calling... Oh well. He never apologized for blowing me of. And I used those words too. "So you just blew me off hard this whole week..." He made a joke and if you don't see it, put your mind in the gutter for a second.
-insert my therapist here-
"So Kate, how do you feel about this?"
Well, I don't know. How should I feel? Pissed? Well I am pissed. Hurt? Well I am hurt? Like he used me? Well he did. But how do I feel about Mr. I? The same way I have always felt about him. And while he still pisses me off and still has the ability and the idiocy to hurt me, I can't get him out of my fucking system. He is like a drug I am hooked on. Just give me a hit and I am ok for while, but before long I wan't another hit.
I am putting myself out there. Practically begging to get struck by lightening and the universe is just like pish posh, yeah we see you on yahoo... so what?? oh you want a man... lol, yeah good luck with that... Damn universe.
So here I sit. At home on a perfectly nice Friday night writing in my blog about a guy who I mean nothing to. You'd think that the more I write those words, the clearer this would all be for me. But I can't help the way I feel about him. I can only hope it goes away... and soon.

Good night readers... Have a nice weekend :)


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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:20 PM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Hey ya'll. Guess what? It's FRIDAY!
-in my best Austin Powers accent- Yeah Baby!

Yeah, so Aaron asked me yesterday what I was doing this weekend and before I could even answer him he says "Please don't say 'staying home doing laundry and cleaning'!" LOL In my pathetic little world, I have no plans for the weekend that aren't home based, but at least I don't have to work for 48 hours right? So, kinda sucks since I realized that I haven't been out in a VERY long ass time... But, I think I am going to wait for Veronique to come into town (HOPEFULLY the weekend of the 29th *hint* *hint*) and go out then.

My Adventures In Dating is going along just SWELL. If I have to read one more profile that says 'I'm just a laid back guy... My friends would describe me as handsome, funny and kind... Looking for a girl who isn't afraid to be herself... no drama... can be spontanious... blah blah blah..."
Ok, DOES my profile suck that hard? PLEASE tell me no. Who knew checking out guys could become so monotonous??? I have given my sign in and password to both Veronique AND Jennifer so they can flirt for me... lol

So, since it is Friday, we are prettty busy in car-land... I will try and write some more later! Have a great day readers!

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:58 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Thursday, January 20, 2005
Dating, NyQuil, & Denis Leary
Good morning readers...
Ok, you probably won't believe this, but I just wrote 'It's Tuesday'. Yeah, and it's not. In case you are confused... like yours truly. It is actually Thursday. Normally when I change the day it is to move up in the week, not back... hmmmm. Must be the NyQuil. Have I ever told ya'll just how awesome NyQuil is? I was talking to Veronique last night when I did a couple of shots of it and she hasn't ever had it before!!! Can you believe that?? Never had Nyquil... what a concept. NyQuil is awesome, probably the only medicine I keep on hand all the time. Denis Leary did a bit about NyQuil once...

"I don't do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroine. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil five years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show! Claus Vanbulo was standing over my bed going, "Denis, get up! There's something the matter with Sunny! Hurry up!" I love NyQuil. Man, I love it! I love it. I love it. I love it. It's the best thing shit ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil - Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you!? What a great advertising idea! Put a huge fucking Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"
I love NyQuil, man. Because NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "we know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green death fucking flavor! You know why!? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go, "*wheeze* Hey this stuff really tastes like.." Bang! Yer in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said 'tastes like' and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over the counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says, "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans! Kiss your family and friends goodbye. Say hello to Klaus!" NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you! You giant fucking Q!
NyQuil is the secret for all you twelve step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the thirteenth fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No! I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years. I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"

I love Denis Leary... Ok, so anyway... Not much going on right now. I decided yesterday that I need to start dating again. I have spent entirely too much time dwelling on Mr. I and I'm done. So, I signed up for a month of Yahoo personals. I am only doing one month and then I am out. So far, three guys. Three guys in 24 hours ain't bad. I am diving head first into that proverbial sea of fish that everyone is always referring to. We'll see if any of them are worth baiting :)

Have a great Thursday readers!

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:47 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Hindrances and sagas...
I have a stuffy nose... Not just a minor bother, but rather a complete hindrance. I can't breathe through it at all and it totally screwed up any hopes I had of getting a good night's sleep last night. I am one of the few people I know who breathes primarily through my nose, so this is really throwing a wrench into my day. That and I have no tissues. My lovely co-worker was kind enough to let me use hers and I have killed the box... I am about to have to give in and start using paper towels from our make-shift kitchenette. Of course, that is the equivalent to scrubbing your face with sand paper.

Well, for those of you who aren't totally bored with my on-going saga about Mr. I, I'll update you. Yeah, so I am pissed at him... Do I have a right to be? Probably not, but I am anyway. The last time I made the mistake of sleeping with him, he didn't call for three days. When he finally did call, I mentioned this and he said he had felt guilty... In my dumb ass assumption, I thought that the guilt he was feeling involved me, at least partially... it didn't. So, here we go again... Round and round on this self depreciating merry-go-round...
So last night when I went to bed, I was thinking of exactly what I would like to say to him. The fact of the matter is that I know Mr. I has feelings for me. I don't say this in some outreach of desperation, but rather because I know it is true. He hasn't ever had a relationship that was both emotional and physical and after many conversations, I have come to realize that this is because he is scared to tie the two together. He can handle the non-physical, semi-emotional relationship or the physical, non-emotional relationship, but not a fully emotional and physical. That gives to much away and he isn't ready for that.
But now I have been downgraded to a level of him barely even being my friend?? I don't fucking think so. Here is a guy who has told me that he will never be as compatible with anyone as he is with me... Call me and call me and then sleep with me and blow me off? Have you actually met me? Because if you knew me at all, you would know that that so won't fly. So, how do I approach this? Do I approach it? Should my approach start and end with 'fuck off'?
-insert a nice loud scream of frustration here-
Maybe (a few posts ago) I was totally wrong about the being lonely. I'd much rather be lonely than be here. I hate being somewhere where I can and am being hurt. Give me single any day as opposed to pain.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:22 AM
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
three posts in one day....
Wow, so I am officially boring. My complete lack of social life, readers, is to your benefit (depending on how you view this blog, lol) as I am able to bring you not one, not two, but three! Yes, three blog entries in one day! I hope you are sitting down :P
Ok, so I totally forgot to mention that I have made good (or started to make good) on one of my resolutions for the year... I went to the gym last night when I got off work... If everything works out the way I am planning (and what doesn't?... wait, don't answer that!) then I will be going three times a week. Monday night, after work and Tuesdays and Thursdays on my lunch break. A plan folks... and not just any plan... a scheduled plan ;)
Ok, so anyway, I get to the gym at 7:15 and am pissed when I realize that my window is stuck on my car! Yeah... karma gods out to get me for laughing at Mr. I a few months ago when that same thing happened to him... If I remember correctly, my exact words were: -laughing- 'Oh, it's no big deal... why are you freaking out about it...' Ahem, I stand corrected. It totally fucking sucks ok? Especially when you realize that you have your tower for your PC in the back seat concealed with what? A sweater?? yeah, NO ONE will notice that! Never mind your purse and the brand new fifty pack of cds... lovely. So what did I do? Well I locked it anyway and hoped that no one was smart enough to try and steal anything from my 1986 boat.
So, then I grab my gym bag and tennis shoes and get my ass into the gym before I can change my mind. And ooohhh la la, I hadn't been informed that 7pm on Monday is HOT BOY hour. WTF people? Was this some kind of public knowledge that I wasn't made privy to?? Oh they are everywhere... Sweaty muscular men - drool - So I get into the locker room, glare at the scale and get changed. In my oh-so-attractive work out attire and pony-tail, I get my bottle of water, shoot another scathing look at the scale and head out to the death machine.
I have no idea what that particular piece of work out equipment is actually called but it has been dubbed The Death Machine on account of it almost killing me the first week that I used it. It's like a running machine of somekind, where you never have to lift your feet up while it tortures you. Anyway, I love it. I did 2.5 miles yesterday and then spent 15 minutes in the dry sauna.
So anyway, after not having been to the gym in several months, I had forgotten that you do not get on the death machine by the water fountain. Why? Because then every person who doesn't bring their own bottle of water can stand right there and watch you sweat while they either get water or wait in line to get water. Very awkward... Anyway, I did manage to make eye contact with and smile at several young male specimens... Many of which looked lost and lonely and just waiting for someone like me to take them under my wing and... whoops hehe...
So, anyway, I was wired afterwards. I remember now why I go during the day. I have to have the rest of the day to burn the energy off :) Unless of course I took one of those muscle boys back to... uh...

Guess it's bed time :P
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:31 PM
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Song of the day...
Ok, so I have listened to this song like 15 times today :) Thought I would share... BTW- you should downloa... er, buy it :P
I especially like the insect part :)

Maroon 5

I'm full of regret
For all things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face 'round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear
Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear
There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
Your just innocent
A helpless victim of a spider's web
And I'm an insect
Goin after anything that I can get
So you better turn your head and run
And don't look back
Cause I fear
There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up

-insert clapping here-
Let's give it up for Maroon 5

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 1:32 PM
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Selling cars and playing games...
You know you are in the car business when you have every intention of only giving the used car manager a hundred bucks more than he paid for a vehicle :) Well, I took the second step in my car buying decision today and actually went to the lot and physically looked at the car. I climbed in and pushed the seat all the way back and sat there, trying to envision myself driving this car. That vision became slightly clearer upon my discovery of the 6 disc cd changer... And then almost crystal when I saw that the trunk space is not small at all (as I had previously assumed)... So, I took my next baby step and went to talk to Mr. Used Car Manager...
Now I have been in this business for awhile now and I have a pretty clear idea of how things work. One of those things is that if a used car has been sitting on a lot for more than 30 days, the manager wants to get the heck rid of it. It doesn't look good to the public to continue to see said vehicle when they drive by. They start to wonder why it has been there for so long... Anyway, a used car has about a 30 day shelf-- er... lot life before our used car manager will ship it off to auction. Upon checking today and seeing that my (soon-to-be?) ZX5 has been there for EXACTLY 30 days, I needed to make sure it wasn't going to be auctioned off.
So I mosey (you're allowed to mosey in Texas) into Mr. Used Car Manager's office and sit down and wait for him to get off the phone. He smiles at me (remember, he likes me) and asks what he can do for me. I ask him if he plans on auctioning off the little red hatchback. He sort of hems and haws for a second, trying to make me sweat no doubt... He leans back in his chair and looks out the window like he is trying to figure out which car I am talking about. This makes me smile inwardly, I love these games... Maybe that's why we work here... we get off on the games. So, he sits back up and says... "Nah, I think I'll hold onto her for another 30 days..." This is a nice little trick too. He thinks he can make me think he has a chance of scoring some cash off of this car. He is putting that in my head so he can up the price right before I buy. I'm onto these games. And I play to win :)

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:45 AM
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Monday, January 17, 2005
My eyes are bigger than my checkbook...
Hi there, good morning!!!
Ok, so TAXES! Got my W2 on Friday, moments after I left the building, so I had to wait until this morning to file my taxes... Fortunately, through the magnificent wonderful turbotax website, I was able to import all of my info from last year and had my taxes filed in about 15 minutes. They should be approved within 48 hours and then my refund will be direct deposited in a few days!! That and my check from Ford for winning the BDC contest should be here next week giving me a nice chunk of change to car shop with... I am in pre-shop mode right now, browsing our preowned inventory and comparing. Thus far, the best deal I have come across has been a 2002 Ford Focus ZX5. On account of my dedication and service to the fine company I am employed by, I can get this lovely little car for a few hundred dollars more than we paid for it - or around 6200!

This was of course the more logical choice after my 15 minutes of unrealistic gluttony. Including, but not limited to, the 2003 Mitsubishi Montero Sport that would have ran me about 11 grand.
Fortunately the GIANT hand of reason slapped me nice and hard across the face reminding me that I wanted to pay for the car in cash and not have a car payment to go with my full coverage insurance...
So, there it is folks. My preliminary shopping has produced the above car to replace my -ahem- 1986 Chrysler Fifth Avenue, lol.
Have a great Monday readers!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:07 AM
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Sunday, January 16, 2005
another weekend gone...
Another weekend over. I feel like time has sped up. I used to be ready for the week to start once my weekend was coming to an end, but now it seems like all of my days are just blurred together... If I am at work, I have a million things to do and if I am at home I have a million things to do, I have a ton of things to think about if I happen to not be busy doing something, so I just feel constantly consumed with something...

Mr. I came over last night. He wanted to come over Thursday night but couldn't because my sister was here. We had sort of tentatively rescheduled Thursday for Friday, but he cancelled Friday. So last night it was. It has been about three weeks since I have seen Mr. I. Not very long. Something Veronique asked me this morning got me to thinking though. "Does it still make you nervous when he comes over?" No. No. When he is on his way, I am not nervous at all. I used to be. I would walk around my kitchen waiting to see his lights or go outside and sit on my car and smoke while I talked on the phone anxiously about his arrival. Last night, I rationalized his visit to my sister.
She asked me if it was him that was coming over and I told her it was. She gave me that look, you know the one of dissapproval. She gave me that look and sort of scoffed. Then she asked if he still had his girl friend. I am not a liar by any means and so I told her he did. She just rolled her eyes and this of course set me into a frenzy of trying to rationalize him.
"In my defense, I was sleeping with him before he had a girlfriend..." Don't even ask how many times I have said that.
"Besides, there is something about him. Something about the way that he and I click that just makes me continue to see him."

But I am not nervous any more. The last time I was nervous or anxious or whatever was when he asked me to lunch, mid November. It was totally out of the blue and completely caught me by surprise. He wants to go to lunch with me? Doesn't he realize that she will find out. Small town USA and we all work together, someone will see us. It was more curiousity than anything else that made me go. I wanted to know why he wanted me to. What was he trying to accomplish? I insisted that we eat in the car, that we get the food and go park somewhere. I didn't want to eat in some fast food place where I couldn't even smoke a damn cigarette. So we did and for an hour we talked and laughed in the car. She knew before we ever even left the dealership.

I am not nervous anymore. What does that mean? Does it mean that the initial starry-eyed thing has finally ended? Does it mean that I am slowly headed back towards sanity where he is concerned? Does it mean that I have found some level of comfort with him? He is now someone I can be around and totally be myself? What does it mean....

I don't know what it means, but I do know that I am going to go strip off all my bedding and wash it so it doesn't smell like him. So it doesn't make me wake up in the middle of the night expecting him to be there and glance around the room for the ghost of a man who doesn't love me.


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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:10 PM
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Friday, January 14, 2005
Therapeutic release via storytelling...
Hello, dear reader, lend me your ear... I am going to tell you things generally kept to myself and possibly erased tomorrow when I come back to my senses...

Mr. I, whom I have mentioned here a time or two, seems to be making me slightly insane...

Some history, dim the lights....
It was February the first time I saw him... He works at the same place I do, but what with the dealership being as large as it is, I hadn't (and still have not) met everyone that worked on it's premises. I work in a portable building set off to the side of the dealership, near the main building where the showroom is. When you enter the door to my building, immediately to your left is a desk. There are two other desks set on the other walls... Past the first desk you can turn left and then left again and enter my boss' office. Should you have looked right when you entered the building, you would have seen a wall with two doors, the first is mine the second, my co-worker's. It isn't a large building, but it suits us fine.
Mr. I had driven a rather large printer up to our building on a forklift. I hadn't gotten up when he came in, nor when he moved the printer in. It wasn't until a lady I worked with (who is no longer with us) asked me for help in getting the printer plugged in that I came out. He was shy, you could tell immediately. Sort of skittish and unsure of what to say. I have always and still do find this to be an intriguing trait. He was already contradicting himself just with his behavior. Simply by looking shy and speaking with confidence. He smiled at me quite a bit and my radar for picking such things up was silently sounding in my head. He liked me, I could tell and I found him interesting.... and tall, lol...
When he left, the lady teased me. She asked what I thought of him... Told me what she thought of him and reminded me that I hadn't had any type of physical contact with a man in quite awhile... I told her the truth, that I thought Mr. I cute, but I wasn't in any position to go chasing after his forklift. She dropped it and so did I and life went on as though two people had never met, never smiled at one another...
Insert here, the passing of many months... Five to be exact, for it was to be the end of June before I would think of him again. Why did I think of him? I am not sure... Maybe I saw him, maybe he waved at me or delivered something to my building... Whatever the reason, I called him. I called to tell him I was expecting a package UPS and since it would be delivered to his department could he please make sure and tell me. I could hear him smiling on the phone, he can do that and I always hear it. He said that he would indeed watch for my box and then he kept me on the phone. Chit-chatting... I found nothing odd about being able to hold a conversation with him as I hold many conversations with many people with ease. He asked about my last name, which is unique to say the least and I laughed and told him if he 'googled me' that he would only fine my name in one place, the directory for the dealership. The call ended.

part two...

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:23 PM
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Therapeutic release via storytelling... (part two)
The next week, I called to tell him I had canceled my order and that the box would not be coming as I had originally planned. He said he had googled me. He flirted, I flirted back. He asked me to lunch... no wait, he asked "why haven't we ever had lunch together?" I thought I was cool in my response, "because you've never asked me..." This threw him off and I loved that it did. The call ended and he called me the next day for lunch, I accepted. I was nervous, why do we get nervous? Who knows, but I was. I met him in the employee parking lot and climbed into his white camaro.... leather seats, stick shift - guy's car. We drove to a nice restaurant near the dealership and went in. He ordered chicken-fried steak, I ordered a salad. Now I think it is important to mention that I genuinely LIKE salads, so I wasn't doing it to behave like your typical chic.
Then it started. We talked. He was nervous, you can tell because he bounces his leg when he is nervous. It's like a flashing light goes off. He bounced his leg as we chatted. He talked as much as I did so I have no idea how he ate all of his food while I ate less than a fourth of mine. You know how you just know you like a person, ten minutes and you think god, I really like this person! Yeah, it was like that. I was already looking forward to seeing him again because we just clicked. He liked stuff that I liked and visa versa. We meshed so well. I brought up my kids pretty quick, I try to not ever leave that to the last minute. Get it out in the open ASAP. He didn't even flinch. Three girls usually makes a guy flinch. No he one-upped me, he likes kids, wants five! lol I laughed outloud, five! No, you do not...
After lunch, we went back to the dealership. He said thanks, I said thanks and back to work we went. I was smiling when I came into the building and I may still have been smiling when I left it 4 hours later...That was the beginning. We went out with friends soon there after. Bowling, I think... There was a lot of alcohol involved and I hadn't drank in awhile so I was fully susceptible to it's evils. He bought my drinks, I remember that and I remember thinking that he wasn't just there as a friend if he was buying my drinks. After the bowling alley we went to some bar somewhere and drank more and eventually to someone's house so everyone could sober up before heading home. On the way to the house, we stopped for gas and probably more alcohol, although I doubted any of us needed any. The two friends with us went inside, Mr. I and I stayed in the car. We were talking, I had been flirting and touching his arm and knee through out the night. He was slightly less inhibited with the alcohol in his system. He kissed me and surprised me all in one breath. I would find myself sleeping with him before the night is over.
After we had slept together, I knew he had regretted it. This is a man who believes in his faith and who has, like so many others, been brought up to think that sex is something to only be had with in marriage. I felt slightly guilty but not to blame since he had been the initiator. I was actually mentally evaluating him. Was he someone I wanted to date for a long period of time, was he a FWB, what was he? I settled on someone I liked and wanted to continue to sleep with. He asked me to the movies, more than once and I went more than once. He never tried to pull the stuff you are supposed to pull in movie theatres. He didn't grab my hand or start making out with me. He bought my ticket and we watched the movie. This was fine with me because I am not 15 and I like being able to watch a movie with someone with out them groping me. But the second time he dropped me off, he kissed me hard and then laughed as I walked away. When I asked him what he was laughing about he said I made him nervous. HA! I am 5'6" on a good day and I am making this 6'2" guy nervous? How, I asked him... He just twirled my hair between his fingers and said I just did.

part three...

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:41 AM
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Therapeutic release via storytelling... (part three)
I will spare you the next four weeks worth of lovey dovey crap. I won't tell you about how he looked at me like he knew what I was thinking or how he was always smoothing my hair like I was something that was to be touched all the time and was neglected. I will skip all of that and get to the part where he changed his mind.
I remember that it was the company party when it all started. Our dealership was having it's 25th anniversary party and I asked Mr. I to go, he declined. I thought that was strange. That he would not want to go, it was promising to be a large ordeal and fun to boot. Nonetheless, he declined saying that he didn't want to go and he certainly couldn't change his mind since he had been asked by other co-workers and declined them as well. I said fine, I'll call you later. Which I did, a few hours and a heck of a lot of Jack and cokes later. I asked him what we were doing, what was this that he and I were doing... He said he didn't know... then said he wanted to be able to see other people. I thought this was weird, but being the cool chic that I am I said that was fine and that I wanted to see other people as well. That was that, we were dating but openly with the underlying agreement that we weren't to sleep with anyone else without first telling the other. This would have been a great agreement with anyone else, but with Mr. I, it wasn't going to last.
It was the following week that he would tell me that he had had a crush on the girl at work for two years. He would mention it casually as though it meant nothing, then he would laugh as he recalled taking her to prom the year before, he would also casually mention that she was going to his cousin's wedding, he wouldn't mention that he was escorting her nor would he mention that she was the reason for the open relationship. This didn't bother me, I didn't get jealous or sad. He would call me later that week and tell me he was coming over. He left his wallet here that night and when I brought it to work the next morning all hell broke loose. Turned out that the night before when he had griped about his date with the girl, he had left out the small detail that they had agreed to be a couple, an exclusive couple no less. So when it got out around the dealership that Mr. I had left his wallet at my house the night before, girly wasn't exactly happy about it.Oddly, this would continue, his coming over and sleeping with me. He was my lover by night, her boyfriend by day. Oddly, this wouldn't bother me for some time. A month maybe before I realized I had heart felt, deep feelings for the man I was sleeping with. In mid-September I would tell him I couldn't sleep with him anymore while he was otherwise attached. He would ask if I was angry with him or if I was sad and I would lie and deny that I was either of those things. I would smile and tell him that we had made a deal to see other people and that he had done nothing wrong in seeing she and I. I would smile and tell him I would of course still see and talk to him, this is where my mistake was.Sure enough, with in weeks we were back in bed. I should mention that this man is fabulous in bed. I think a great deal of that has to do with how well we mesh because he seems to think it is I that is fabulous and he who is along for the ride (no pun intended)... October sixth, I told him I was in love with him. He never returned the words. He did say that he didn't want to hurt me and I knew it was too late to prevent that. I was doomed to be hurt one way or the other. I chose to prolong my hurt and continue to have the relationship that we were having rather than end it. On November 23rd I cut all contact. I gave him a letter, explaining in great detail that I couldn't see him anymore or talk to him as I was pretty sure that was the only way to attempt to get him the hell out of my system. I asked him not to call me anymore and he didn't. It would be a month before I spoke with him again.
It was three weeks before I slept with him again. Thats was two weeks ago.
He's here, he's crept back under my skin. He still kisses me in a way I have never been kissed and he still smooths my hair in just that way and he still reads my mind and he still has a girl friend. Last night he called and wanted to come over and I told him he could but the cancelled immediately on account of my sister coming home. He called tonight to tell me he was going to a basketball game with her. At first I thought he was in a roundabout way nixing any plans to come over here to make up for last night. Now I think it was just a heads up so I wouldn't call and piss her off.
Writing this out is supposed to be helpful, but it is just making me think more about him so I am done.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:24 AM
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Bitchiness in the morning...
Am I a bitch? Wait! Don't answer that -snicker-...
I tell you what, one thing rubs me the wrong way in the AM and I am just pissy, pissy, pissy. I hate my schedule being all screwed up.
For those of you readers who don't know, my teenaged sister resides with me. Sleeps on the futon in the living room. She has lived with me off and on for about 5 years. Longer story that I will leave out for now. Anyway, my sister is 18... For the most part we get along fine. We have our too-much-estrogen-in-the-same-house tiffs, but usually our schedules are opposite so we rarely see each other. Also, I have come to just think of her as one of my own kids, so when I am picking up laundry or whatever, I just use the same frame of mind I use when picking up Emilee's (inside out) socks...
HOWEVER, since school has resumed (this past Tuesday), she has suddenly decided to get into the shower at 6:50 on the dot. Now, I know you don't know this, but that is what time *I* get in the shower. In between 6:45 and 6:50... On Tuesday, I ever-so-casually mentioned to my sister that she was either running early OR late for her shower because I was supposed to be getting in literally 45 seconds after she had. She merely stated that she *always* took her shower at 6:50. I beg to differ dear.
Now, this whole shower scenario wouldn't be an issue at all if she could be in and out in under 15 fucking minutes. I mean, shit, wtf takes 15 minutes???? I get in, shampoo my hair, condition my hair, wash my body and get the hell out. 5 minutes, tops! I save shaving for weekend or evening showers.
Expediency is important to me in the early hours as I am anal about being on time. So of course, when I get out of the shower, she is in my way. She spends twice the time doing her hair (which is half the length of mine, mind you) and stands square in the middle of the friggen bathroom to do so. So I have to walk around her... ANYWAY, I found this all to be very irritating this morning.
However, I bit my tongue... ok, well almost. When she had been in the shower for like 12 minutes, I finally opened the door and said "hey could you hurry up?" Of course I said this right as she was turning off the water so I looked like an idiot. You could practically see her snicker...
Simple solution, as there usually is, is for me to just get up about 20 minutes earlier and get ready before I wake the girls up.

bitchy and longing for two bathrooms in my house of 5 chics
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:04 AM
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Thursday, January 13, 2005
Twelve unscheduled hours...
Maybe I am mean, but when Emilee told me she didn't feel well this morning, I made her get up and get dressed and damn near put her on the bus. But, then she looked at me with those big ass blue eyes all sad and pathetic and said in her best Oscar Winning voice "but mommy, I don't feel good" -insert trembling lower lip here as well as some eye misting-... That was it, two minutes later, I am calling in sick. I LOATHE calling in sick. I think I may have done it a total of three times since I started working there and not one of those times was it because *I* was sick.
So I call my boss on his cell (at 6:50am mind you) and get his voice mail. I page him. I call my co-worker and wake her up (she just *loves* that too BTW... I know because I do it often to many ppl and they all *love* it, lol muuuuwaaaahaha), she dutifully agrees to go in two hours early to cover for me. I tell her I will go ahead and go in and take Emilee with me until she or our boss gets there. I am in and out of the shower in 5 minutes and my boss calls and says to go ahead and take the day off.

And that's where it all went to hell. Those four words... Take the day off.... Well, sure... but how? Why? What does one do with an entire day off? I mean I am already awake, so sleeping in is out of the question... Having a sick kid at home sort of nixes any kind of running around, so errands and goofing off are out of the question as well... I mean, come on, we are talking 12 hours here folks, twelve! That is a heck of a lot of unscheduled time!
For those of you readers who don't know me well, then you haven't been made privy to my insane addiction to scheduling things. Ok, so not just things, but everything and anything... I schedule my day from sun-up to sun-down, thus leading to my week and month being scheduled. I schedule things MONTHS in advance. I am a planner by nature. I like tidy little lists of organized events, preset and prearranged and hassle-free. I balance my checkbook meticulously and know what we are eating for dinner three weeks from Tuesday. So, twelve unplanned hours is a catastrophe on my planet.
Well, I did what any other (clearly) crazy person does with twelve unscheduled hours, I cleaned... and cleaned... and cleaned... and cleaned some more. With the little voice in the back of my head saying "hey!!! we are supposed to be doing all of this on Saturday!!! Stop, you are messing up my schedule!"

Oh, and in case you were wondering.. Emilee was fine by 8:45am... In fact she asked me to take her to school at 9:30. I told her no. If she was gonna screw up my schedule, then by golly, I was gonna screw up hers :P


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:50 PM
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Sloshed with the lonlies...
Ug. Does anyone else find themselves listening to Ryan Cabrera's 'True'? I personally hadn't ever heard this song until I went to the Switchfoot/Gavin Degraw/Bowling For Soup/Ryan Cabrera concert in December... Then I remember thinking that this kid, yeeah, he's pretty dang good. So, when I heard True on the radio the other day, I downloaded it. And now I am sitting at my desk listening to it and... well, ug.

This is the kind of music that starts your downward spiral towards self-pity. You know what I mean... it all starts so innocently, a little bit of sad-ish music... The kind that makes you close your eyes and picture the song being sung to you. You think, gosh that was nice. -insert sigh here- Then you have another... Similar to drinking, lol. Just one more and before you know it, your sloshed... or in this case, crying or wallowing in self pity.
There's no preventing it though. You listen to one mushy song and like it and you are screwed. It's like some strange musical gravity. You step off the ledge with the first song and plummet. Well, I am plummeting, straight towards the hitting of rock bottom... where you don't dig being alone quite so much. Like after you watch that really good love-story-movie and hope you dream about (in my case) Matthew McConaughey

It's just a case of the lonlies...
I guess I just missed being loved by someone...


just feeling blue readers, I'll be better tomorrow

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 3:23 PM
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Have a mouse with your coffee...
Good morning readers :)
Let me set the scene for you...
Picture this: Me, sitting at my desk at work. Coffee to the right, mounds of paperwork waiting patiently for my attention... Some Marc Broussard playing in the background while I sift through my internet leads for the morning. I reach over and turn the song I am listening to up and see something out of the corner of my eye... Well, I think it's my hair (I have a lot of hair) and that I have had enough coffee for one day if my vision is already blurring... Oh, well I was WRONG! It WAS NOT my hair, it was a big fucking mouse! Ran like two inches away from my hand. So, I didn't scream, I get MAJOR points for that. I loathe screaming over something like that anyway because it kills the whole 'cool chic' image I try to uphold. You know, the one where I can take care of things myself? Well when it comes to mice, fuck that. They are fast and little and I've heard that they are disease spreading... So, a moderately large, lightening quick blur of germs runs by my hand. I almost fell out of my frickin chair trying to back away from the desk. I pop up and go into my boss' office (because we all know it's *his* fault, lol) and yelled at him. He, to his credit, suppresses the majority of his laughter and calmly reminds me that I am indeed bigger than the mouse. I told him that I was going to leave if he didn't take care of it. So he did what any big brave man would do... called maintenance. I'm cool with that because the maint. guy has a great ass... So, satisfied that I have dealt with that properly, I walk back to my office to get a cigarette. And you know what? That little fucker was waiting for me. He was sitting behind the door of my office laughing into his tiny mouse hands WAITING for me. You know how I know? Because when I got about two feet away from my door, he ran out of my office. I did scream this time. Come on! He was tormenting me... He planned it.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:47 AM
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
I'm a bad friend...
So, it turns out that I am a crappy friend. I don't say that with any kind of sarcasm. I mean it. You don't realize that you are being a crappy friend until it is pointed out to you. It was pointed out to me yesterday. My first thought was to get defensive. Blame work, blame being a single mom, blame basketball practice and Amanda's earache... I thought of about twenty right off the bat. Twenty *excuses*. There's no point in being the person I am if I am too busy to talk to my friends.

The weird thing is that I remember when I was making out Christmas cards this year I thought wow, this is the first year I have ever ran out of pictures! Every other year, I have more than I need, but this year I sent out cards with out pictures! I thought about how lucky I was to be in a point in my life right now where I have a lot of friends and not just I-know-that-guy's-name kinda friends, I mean real, good friends. People who call and ask how I am and give me Christmas cards with pictures of *their* kids. People I can call if I am having a shitty week, who will listen to me bitch and then offer good, honest, thought out advice.

I know what my problem is. I know that I don't *think* to call someone else to see if they are maybe having a shitty week. Or to just say hey and test the waters to see if maybe they just need someone to talk to. I just assume that if they need me that they will call. Then a month later, I get to hear the story about the crappy day/week that they were having and I think to myself 'I should have called'...

I know I think when it comes to my girls. If I start seeing poor behavior or signs that they are getting stressed out and I change things or talk to them. I find some way to remedy the situation. For some reason I never think that not getting a phone call from someone I care about could be a sign that they needed to talk to me... or that they are not ok.

So I guess one of the things on my NY list should have been 'Be a better friend.'
I'll have to start working on that.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:56 AM
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Monday, January 10, 2005
Blog's are evil...
Ok, I might have a slightly addictive personality... maybe... lol Ok, yeah so I smoke. I rationalize it by smoking very little. A pack of Marlboros will last me the better part of a week. I don't smoke in doors and I try to rarely smoke in my car. I also try not to smoke in front of my kids. I can quit, I don't want to. Sometimes I have a really bad day and need... er want a cigarette...
But I think as far as addictions go, that was my one. Until now. Now I have a horrible little addiction to reading blogs. I find myself browsing through and then bookmarking the ones I really like. My favorites list is rapidly filling up. And there are millions of them out there!!! I'll never get anything done! LOL

who is REALLY going back to work now :P
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 11:28 AM
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Sunday, January 09, 2005
Emilee's letter to take...
This letter (see below) struck me as interesting. Emilee wrote it this morning, folded it up and said we couldn't read it because it was for God. So, many hours later, when she had discarded it and seemingly forgot about it secretness, I scanned it. (I had to, it was so cute.) Anyway, the reason it was interesting is because my daughter has never given me any reason to believe that she believes in a higher power. As pretty much all of you (that know me) know, I am agnostic, so I don't practice or teach religion in my home (nor do I discourage it). My eldest daughter believes in God. She has a children's Bible, which she reads and enjoys. But Emilee has never shown any interest in a God, let alone shown belief in one. Anyway, when she wrote this today, I thought it was neat that she was showing one now... Why? Because I think that it shows a similarity with society.

Let me explain... Emilee has been having nightmares for months... Well I should say she HAD nightmares for months. They seemed to have subsided recently. Anyway, in her post nightmare world, she is scared of lots of things. A variety of monsters now frighten her... everything from Zombies to Vampires. She is also scared of animals... everything from bats to snakes... She is also scared of random disasters occurring. She is scared that two planes will crash into each other over the daycare, or that our house will explode. What it really boils down to though is that she is afraid of death.
I have to admit that when my baby first told me she was afraid of death, I wanted to throw the whole heaven thing in there and just make it all better (because I am her mommy and it is my job to make everything all better). But I didn't and I can't because I don't believe in heaven and I don't want to try and instill a belief in my child that I don't have. I think that religious beliefs should be the result of self discovery. So, now Emilee has on her own decided to ask God for help.
I find it interesting that it is in human nature to ask a higher power/entity for help when you feel like you life is out of control. Some would argue that that alone is a proof of sorts that there is a higher power. That a child who hasn't ever been exposed to religion is asking God for help. While others would argue that it is human nature and that it is how beliefs in higher powers were originally founded... Who knows for sure...

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:29 PM
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Emilee's letter to God....
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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 3:29 PM
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Saturday, January 08, 2005
Stolen questions... times three...
Three names you go by:
1. My real name
2. Hannah
3. Mommy

Three screen names you have:
1. Katehopeeden
2. Katehope23
3. Katehope35 (redundancy at it best, right here folks!)

Three things you like about yourself:
1. I am adaptable.. I make the best out of what I am given..
2. I learn quickly...
3. I smile often

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. Not having complete control over my emotional decisions...
2. That I never have as much energy as I want to have
3. I have wrinkles under my eyes

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Irish
2. Scotish
3. Italian

Three things that scare you:
1. Anything happening to my girls
2. Tidal waves
3. snakes

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Coffee

2. Shower
3. Brush

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. Jeans
2. t-shirt
3. socks

Three of your fave bands/artists (today):
1. Matchbox Twenty
2. Bowling For Soup

3. Switchfoot

Three of your fave songs at present:
1. Ohio

2. Nice to meet you anyway
3. Follow Through

Three new things you want to try in the upcoming year:
1. Career Advancement
2. A sincere relationship
3. Publishing a book

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Honesty - I am tired of wondering whether or not I am being told the truth
2. Commitment - I don't want to worry that it is over every time there is an argument
3. Friendship - someone I can talk to and consider my best friend! (don't worry Tempest!!! I am not gonna replace ya!)

Two truths and a lie:(not in any order)
1. I am all bark and no bite...
2. I need more attention than your typical puppy...
3. I spend my spare time doing laundry and liking it...

Three physical things about the opposite/same sex that appeal to you:
ooooohhhhhh! Can this section be answered with photos???? lol
1. ok, I have to admit that I like a good face, lol...
2. Immediately followed by some nice abs... or arms...

3. Then when they turn around... a nice butt!

Three things you just can't do:
1. Can't touch my tounge to my nose...
2. Can't play an instrament...
3. Can't do a back flip...

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. cleaning, yup I am a sad pathetic person... bite me
3. playing with my kids

Three careers you're considering:
1. Internet Sales manager
2. Author
3. Sales-chic, lol

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. beach, the beach, any beach where the hotels are free!
3. Ireland

Three kids names (boy or girl):
this is easy
1. Amanda
2. Emilee
3. Triniti

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Be the best mom I can possibly be
2. Walk on the moon
3. Be a reknowned author



so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:03 PM
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Friday, January 07, 2005
THANKS JAMES!!! You did a bitchin' job :) I love the dolphin!!!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:04 AM
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The Farkle Family...

When I was 17 and pregnant with Emilee, my mom brought a friend of hers home. This woman's name was Paula. I remember during our initial meeting, she got on my nerves because she was bossing my then one and a half year old daughter around. I can see in retrospect that she wasn't 'bossing her' per se, but rather she was simply asking her to listen and behave. I had no idea then what a huge part Paula would play in my life. A year later, Amanda and Emilee's father was gone and I had no idea where and no notice that he was leaving. It was Thanksgiving and Paula had invited my mother and myself to her Thanksgiving dinner. I hadn't wanted to go. I had a baby and a toddler and I was extremely depressed over the situation with their father. I went anyway and had a nice time. Paula always has a conglomeration of people at her home. Old and young, hippies and straight and narrow, babies and grandmothers, family and friends. She calls these people The Farkle Family.
Friends Acquaintances Relatives Kin and Likely Extensions

Over the years, I saw Paula off and on. She holds two annual events that I attend:
*Her birthday party dubbed September Party. This is a three to four day long event. People travel to come and camp out on her property. They play disc golf and cook an insane amount of food. People drink and smoke and have a great time. Paula orders t-shirts every year and has them tie died. Everyone who wants one gets one (I have four). They are dated and the design is always slightly different.
*The second event is the Cookie Swap. This is the one I really look forward to. We have anywhere from seven to fifteen attendees every year. The set up is that every woman (or occasionally man) makes a dozen cookies for everyone else. So if there are ten people coming, you make ten dozen cookies, individually wrap them and bring them to the bar. We had the Cookie Swap at the same bar for years, sadly it was closed this year and we had to move to a new bar. Anyway, it has become one of my favorite events. I get to spend the evening in the company of a group of diverse and interesting women. We get to catch up on the past year, have a few drinks and a really good time.

I can honestly say eight years ago, I never would have thought I would have such a close friendship with a woman who is thirty years my senior. But Paula has come to be a person I greatly respect and admire. She has helped me out more times than I could possibly list and she has taught me the most valuable lesson I have ever learned. Independence. She has taught me by example and by lessons how to accomplish things I never thought I could accomplish. Everything from changing the belt in my washing machine to unclogging my own sink to proving that having a man in my life isn't a necessity.

I respect Paula's honest opinion of me, so when she stopped by two nights ago and told me exactly what she thought of me, it made me think. Here is a woman who has know me for eight years. Who has essentially watched me grow up. And as she informed me Wednesday night, thinks I have grown up well. She complemented me on a lot of things and really made me realize that I *am* doing a kick ass job as a mother, as a friend, as a woman, as a sister and daughter. And I am doing said kick ass job alone.

She briefly summarized my life and situations since she has known me and more or less told me how she proud she was of me. Pointing out, for example the fact that I hadn't spent the $140 bucks on the 5 year extended warranty for Irwin and Betsy (washer and dryer - see below) because I told her I could change out any belts myself. She laughed and told me that five years ago, those words would have never passed through my lips... and she was right. Five years ago I would have assumed that the guy did that or your hired someone. Five years ago, I would never have taken my sink apart with out a manual, lol. I've realized, I'm not scared to try something I have no idea how to do. In fact I am damn proud that I have the ability to learn and to try and eventually to accomplish any task that I put my mind to. This includes being a single mom, which was the last thing she told me. That she was impressed with the way that I raise my kids and how determined I am to be exactly the kind of mother I said I would be.

Almost eight years later, I am a proud member of The Farkle Family and I certainly consider Paula a surrogate mother of sorts. And you know what? I am proud of me too. It's nice to hear someone tell you that you are doing a good job every once in awhile.


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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:36 AM
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Observations while doing dishes...
My oldest daughter, Amanda, looks like me. Not just a slight resemblance either, she looks JUST like me. If you compare our pictures at the same ages, you can see that she is a dead ringer for her mother. She asks me often if she will look like me when she grows up and I tell her yes, although some things will be slightly different. Like maybe her nose will be of a little different shape or she'll have more/less freckles than I do. But mostly, yes, you will look like me. She then stares at me in a sort of listless way, like she is looking at a grown up version of herself. Maybe she is coming to terms with having to look like I do, maybe she is mentally restyling my hair or applying make-up... who knows, but all in all she doesn't seemed to freaked out that she will inherit my looks.

Last night I realized, it isn't only my looks she has inherited. She is precise and organized like I am as well. When I got home last night, I went on a cleaning frenzy. When I started the dishes, I asked Amanda if she would mind drying them and putting them away. She said 'sure'. So I am watching her (while belting out the lyrics to several Bowling For Soup songs) and she does it just like me. Now to clarify, my kitchen is set up in a sort of bizarre way. I keep dishes in the cabinets and then about half of them are stacked on shelves near the table. Amanda put everything where it goes! Even in the order that I put them in. No slacking, no stacking, no griping, no corner cutting... I was so tickled watching her. Not only because she was helping (which I was appreciative of), but also because she took the time to do it right. She is like a mini-me, lol.

~Kate proud mommy

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:23 AM
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Thursday, January 06, 2005
One of my friends is getting married!
One of my BEST friends is getting married!!! James and I have been friends for five years, he was the first person I ever met online. When I met him, he was (almost) twenty years old. He was staying with his uncle for the summer in Greece and working for an airport there. I'm hoping I can find the pics he sent me and post them here! He sent me a picture and an extremely excited email about having met Tom Cruise (-insert envy here-)... He was cute as could be (still is) and played the guitar :) I tried, without much luck, to persuade him to fly to the states and visit me, but he opted for going to University instead. A wise decision in retrospect. He is now a very talented Threat Analyst, making some good dough working in a military bunker :) He was also recently promoted! I am increasingly proud of him whenever we speak :) He has been seeing the same girl (Kirsten) for more than two years and she is just as adorable as he is.
It's funny, whenever I am lucky enough to catch James online, one of my first questions is always "So, are you engaged yet??" And he always says no. However, today, I hadn't even asked when he informed me that he was engaged! I am so utterly and completely happy for him and Kirsten! And we have to give Kirsten some MAJOR points for being so patient! But I guess it paid off when she saw the ring! Which is gorgeous :) They are planning to have the wedding here and take in whale/dolphin watching and scuba diving! (-insert envy here-).

So James, I am happy for you and so thrilled that you decided to take the leap. I wish you and Kirsten nothing but complete and total happiness! Just make sure your first daughter is named after me :) lol



so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 1:40 PM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!

12/14/84 - 1/26/05

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"



Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa



Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!

Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
katehopeeden's photos More of katehopeeden's photos

That cracked my shit up! TM

Kate went to Dallas?

You asked Kate questions?

Kate was stung by a Scorpion?

Kate met Mr. I?

Kate got pissed?

There was a mouse?

Kate shared?

Kate confessed?

Kate turned 25?

Kate shared some more?

"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal

"I LOVE inner monologues. They rock!"
-Hot Toddy


The Gym

Morning Monologue

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sizzling RH 05

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