When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us? ~Pam Brown
When my first daughter was born, I could watch a movie where the women in it had this Bond. They raised their kids together, they grew up and old together, the experienced each other's lives and here I was, this sixteen year old girl, completely secluded from the world... just me and this baby and no idea about anything. No clue what would happen the next year or when I was going to find myself, I didn't even know I needed to find myself. That was fourteen years ago and now, when I take stock of what's important, I count these women. These women who I've known for varying lengths of time, these women who have been there as I've cried on shoulders or made the right choices, these women who've nodded in compassionate understanding as we went from diapers to backtalk to teenagers. Last night, I sat at my dining room table surrounded by almost all of the women who make up My Village. These are the people who have witnessed my life and whose lives I have witnessed in return and we've hit this new middle place. We aren't new at this any more. We aren't these twenty something girls balancing our first babies on our hips and trying to understand how mortgages work or when we won't have to buy diapers anymore. We are in the place where we've discovered mostly who we are or at least we are trying to because we now know it's part of The Path. We've passed by that place where we made impulsive silly choices because we've learned from them. We know now whether we want more children or whether we want to just get the ones we've almost finished raising out, we know whether we want to be in school or whether we're on the career path we want to be on already, we know that we don't know all there is to know anymore and we are ok with it. We can sit down together as grown women. We've become our own versions of our mothers... or at least the quintessential mother. Doesn't just about everyone have a memory of their own mother sitting around with her women, those women you had known your entire life, those women who could tell you they'd changed your diaper when you were a baby and who you could go to when you didn't want to talk to your own mother about birth control? Those aunts who weren't really your aunts. I have found those women. These beautiful sisters that I've been blessed enough to acquire over my thirty years. Last night, I reminisced as far back as the few years of being a teenager before I became a parent straight through the birth of the most recent baby in this circle. I listened to them talk about school and husbands and kids and laugh hysterically about That Stuff We Did When We Were Younger. We drank endless bottles of wine and I just enjoyed the fact that we could all be in the same room together for a few stolen hours before our lives took us back. It was precious time, priceless time.
You know those humane mouse traps? The glue ones? Are those considered humane? I don't know now that I think about it... anyway, I feel like I'm stuck to one. Like my life is a giant glue mouse trap and I'm just stuck to it. And some days I get this burst of energy or optimistic enthusiasm and try and pull off of it but I don't make enough progress and end up laying back down on it. Stuck. I hate that. I don't want to feel that way about my life. I mean, fuck, it's MY LIFE. It's not like there is a guarantee of another one. I want to feel inspired. Loved. Excited. Breathless. Certain. I want to look around and see wonder. I want to marvel at it all. Am I spoiled? Insatiable? Bored? I don't know. But I want more. I'm not satisfied with it all. I used to feel bad saying that, like I wasn't grateful for what I do have. Like it wasn't this amazing thing that I went from being this high school drop out mom to where I am now. I am grateful. But I am no longer afraid or abashed to say I want more. I want more.
At my last Halloween Party (you know, the party that confirms I've lost my mind every year?), Jiffinner brought a cheeseball shaped like a pumpkin. It was super cute. And, unlike all the other cheeseballs I've had in my life, this one was GOOOOOOOOD. So on Friday when she and I went on the Mad Shopping Spree for Fairy's baby shower, we decided at the last minute to make one for the party. We got all of the stuff and then Saturday night, when Jiffinner came over to help with the food, we decided we couldn't have it be shaped like a pumpkin... we wanted it to be baby themed. A bottle of sangria later, I was all BABY HEAD! BABY HEAD! Alas, Amanda and Jiffinner said heck no, that would be weird... instead, Jiffinner tried to sculpt a rattle out of cheese ball.
I'm all, "uuuhhh, shouldn't the rattle part be bigger and the shaft handle be skinnier?"
I practically had to leave the room.
Jiffinner says, "let's add the handle part and maybe it will look better..."
Jiffiner mentions a piercing and I did have to leave the room.
A much more rated G cheeseball.
Recipe: 16oz sharp cheddar cheese (buy the big block and shred yourself) 8oz cream cheese 8oz container chive & onion cream cheese 1tbsp paprika 1/4tsp ground red pepper
It’s a line that I’ve been near before. A dangerous line. I’ve never considered crossing it before. I’ve considered considering it, but never even got close to actually thinking it would be okay to cross it. Because it isn’t, not for me. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be the girl who makes the right choices. The girl who finds the things that she deserves the right way. Not the girl who takes from someone else, who destroys lives.
So, now I see that line. And I keep turning away from it because I don’t even want to think about the fact that it is there. That it could be an option. But there is a whisper of a hint, a subtle little glint of a daily reminder that it is there. I am ignoring it. I don’t even play around with that line. I hope I continue to stay strong enough.
Can I tell you about this amazing thing that is happening in my life right now?
It’s called my Girl’s Night Dinner... The last Saturday of the month, I am hosting dinner at my house. It was this crazy spark of an idea that I had while I was talking to Jiffinner on the phone late last year. I was undoubtedly complaining about the lack of visiting I get to do with all of my friends when she made the comment that if it weren’t for me pushing all of them all the time, we would probably never see each other. This is partially because, I realized, I introduced all of them and partially because I am “the glue” as Jiffinner puts it. Can you believe that? It’s MY CRAZY that brings them all together. Woot! So, I decided at the end of December, in a haze of spiked eggnog, feelings of utter relief that my obligatory family visiting had come to an end and abnormally cold weather that I, your loving blog authoress, would start cooking dinner for all of my girlfriends once a month. And before I snapped back to my senses, I sent out the first invitation with the PROMISE that this would be monthly. Ladies, I will be doing this EVERY MONTH, I PROMISE. Thus signing my own contract. And it was a loop-hole-less contract my friends. I made sure. Initially, I thought we would mix it up... have a movie night, a board game night, cocktail night, other things that end with ‘night’... but it turned out that dinner, dessert and copious amounts of alcohol and conversation really were the best way to go. But I am getting ahead of myself. Our first dinner was the last Saturday of January. I’m not sure who all I invited BUT in attendance, we had Jiffiner, The Cake Lady and Fairy. I almost had a heart attack. Thankfully, Jiffinner came early to help. I was in full freak out mode by the time she arrived and she couldn’t pour wine into me fast enough. I can’t help it, I am a worrier. I worry about not having enough time, having too much time, burning the food, undercooking the food, whether people will have anything to talk about, if my house is clean enough, if anyone will show up, if too many people will show up, if it will be boring, if I have enough booze... If it can even cross my mind, I assure you, I have freaked out about it. That’s why they make anti-anxiety pills and prescribe them to me. Of course, with all of the freaking out that I was doing about this inaugural dinner event, I had done something else that I do too much of – I had overbooked myself. You see, dear reader, I have this idea in my head that I can accomplish anything. And I think it is correct. Assuming I could figure out a way to make more hours in the day. It is the whole not enough time thing that always kicks my ass. So, as if FREAKING OUT about the dinner wasn’t enough, I had also divvied my children up to various friend’s houses to get them out of the way and then, I had made plans for after the dinner since, well you know, I wasn’t going to have any kids. It’s truly amazing I didn’t have a heart attack. But the short version is that I was pretty disappointed in the way the first dinner turned out. And it was all my fault. I tried to do way too much. I tried to make food that took too long and was too hard and untested, I made it to where I had to do too much running around that day so I was crunched for time and I made stupid boy plans for afterwards that had me super preoccupied and unable to just enjoy myself. And, the girls (at least the older two), didn’t want to leave... they are homebodies and it made me feel guilty that I had sent them away for the night. I decided I wasn’t doing it that way again. I don’t think I could have handled the stress of doing it that way again. So, the following month, I scratched boys off of my list and told Amanda and Emilee that they could stay home but had to hang out in their rooms. My girl Mary cooked and I made dessert and it was SO nice. So much more mellow and enjoyable and for the most part the girls stayed out of my hair. March was the month I went from three guests to four and started inviting a few more friends. It was also the first Horror Movie Night for the girls. Each girl invited a guest and had pizza and brownies and scary movies. March was the month where I felt like I had figured it out. March was the first month where I really thought to myself, this is GREAT. This past Saturday was the fourth consecutive dinner party at my house. And I can honestly say that this last dinner party was the first one where I was totally calm (or as totally calm as I am capable of being). I didn’t stress (too much) about who was going to show up, I didn’t stress about the food (which DIDN’T turn out right), I didn’t stress about the kids or the conversation. I just had a great time. I plan on living in Texas for approximately another six years and I can say right now that I fully anticipate having dinner at my house the last Saturday night of every month from now until then because it is truly such a wonderful evening of food and friendship and it reminds me, every month, of exactly how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.
Forever can never be long enough for me Feel like I've had long enough with you Forget the world now we won't let them see But there's one thing left to do
Now that the weight has lifted Love has surely shifted my way Marry Me Today and every day Marry Me If I ever get the nerve to say Hello in this cafe Say you will Mm-hmm Say you will Mm-hmm
Together can never be close enough for me Feel like I am close enough to you You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love And you're beautiful Now that the wait is over And love and has finally shown her my way Marry me Today and every day Marry me If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe Say you will Mm-hmm Say you will Mm-hmm
Promise me You'll always be Happy by my side I promise to Sing to you When all the music dies
And marry me Today and everyday Marry me If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe Say you will Mm-hmm Say you will Marry me
I get writer's block when I can't finish something I start. That, dear readers (are there still more than one of you?), is why I haven't put anything up here in a few daysweeks almost a month. It's not because I don't love you guys. And it's certainly not because I've ran off and am having an affair with another set of blog readers who are cuter than ya'll. Because ya'll are just the cutest bunch of blog readers out there, hands down. It's because I started a letter to my boss when he left. My boss left. When I try to put that information into my brain and hit the COMPUTE button, my brain returns the following error message: Does Not Compute Even now. His last day was February 26th and on that day I started a letter to him and I haven't been able to work on anything else since. Not my blog, not my book, not even a decent letter to a friend. It was just too hard the first few days. I was all DESPAIR and GLOOM! I opened the letter every few days and tried to work on it, but then it became a project and the over achiever in my was fighting with the part of me who tells me I should table a little of the Girly Feelings parts and I just threw my hands up in the air and worked on other stuff because when Over Achiever and Girly Feelings start fighting, I have to step away. So since then, I've been occupying myself with some other stuff. In no particular order: I've been gardening. WHAT? I know right! I betcha if we scrolled back through this website to all the springs I've ever loved before, we'd find that probably every year around this time I get bit by the Plant Stuff Now bug and the end result is a lot of wasted money and dead plants but I CAN'T HELP IT! I DON'T LEARN. This year I am all excited about the prospect of having fresh herbs. I'm not delusional enough to think I can bring fruits and vegetables to maturity yet given my clear black thumb but herbs? I'm just crazy enough to think I can pull of herbs! And oh what fun that would be since I decided to start actually cooking recently. It will be so fun at my dinner parties to be all, "yeah, I grew that rosemary myself. In my GARDEN! AND IT DIDN'T DIE!" Which brings me to another thing I've been doing, throwing monthly dinner parties! This has turned into one of my most favorite things and if you have a group of people in your life that live fairly close, I seriously recommend it. I'm doing mine the last Saturday of every month. I send out my invited via facebook using the events app. I started it in January as a way to get together with my girlfriends. It just seemed so ridiculous that I never saw any of them and we all live just a few miles away from each other. I don't want to look back and say, "we were all too busy." I want to look back and say, "I made an effort." And really, not that hard to pull off. Thus far, I've been doing pasta dishes and pretty easy desserts and a plethora of booze and it probably runs me about fifty bucks but I'll take it! Fifty bucks to be able to spend a few hours with my bestest local friends? Totally worth it. And speaking of friends, I think I've made some new ones. You know the little neighbor boy who lives one road over? Well his mom invited me over for coffee with her and her partner and coffee lasted over three hours! We had such a nice time sitting outside chatting away this past Sunday. I really like the both of them and they live super close by which is nice. We are going over tonight to hang out and chat and I think I am going to bake something to take over :-) What else, what else? Fairy is having a little boy! She had the ultrasound this past week and as much as she was willing that baby to be a girl, it's going to be a boy after all. I keep telling her I will take him and name him Jude and keep him because I've never had a boy. I don't think she is going to let me though. I'm still in the very early stages of planning that baby shower so any advice would be super appreciated. Oh and there is a date in my future. My co-worker sold a house to a guy who has been asking him to set us up for like three or four months and finally wore me down :-) So sometime in the next few weeks we are all going to go out to dinner. A date. Holy cow. Ok, I have to get to work but I love you my pretties and I will update more soon. I'm just going to push right through this writer's block and MAKE it go away. *mwah*
(Following up to this and this.) I used the Brass Free for Blondes yesterday and I can tell you right now, I was FREAKING. OUT. I had essentially bleached my hair twice and now I was tore between doing the Sahara toner or the Brass Free stuff. I had read in MANY places that the Brass Free had gotten rid of the rest of the orange and I am not ashamed to admit that I begged and pleaded with the box prior to doing the dye and then with the dye itself the entire time it was in my hair. Please work, oh please oh please oh please work. Universe? Please make this work, please get rid of the orange. Please oh please. - For the entire ten minutes it was in my hair. Now in my bathroom, I have a shower stall and a garden tub. As SOON as I washed the Brass Free from my hair, I flung the door open to look in the mirror and see if the orange was gone. And you know what? For the most part, it was. My hair is still a very gold blonde but it is Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than orange. My plan is to wait a few weeks (the Brass Free is good for 28 washes) and then do a nice Ash Blonde color... I just want to make sure my hair has enough time to recover from the extensive frying I've done to it this week.
When I started: This is not my natural color... I am naturally a redhead... not a bright redhead but a nice auburn redhead. I like to go darker so I still have red in there but not that bordering on orange red.
Speaking of orange red... This is after the first round of Born Blonde. Super closeup so you can REALLLLLY see the carrot.
After round two of the Born Blonde as the Clairol Chat Color Expert advised... I'm going to give the Brass Busters a chance today to fix the remaining orange which isn't what the Clairol Chat Color Expert said... she said to get the Natural Instincts Sahara toner and use that. But I did a LOT of googling and found that just about everyone who was trying to rid their hair of the remaining orange used the Brass Busters and said it worked wonders. If not, no problem, I can apparently JUST. KEEP. DYING. MY. HAIR. Over and over and over and over and over and over...
I was blond about five years ago and loved it.. had so much fun straying away from my natural auburn locks and the safe browns that I put on from time to time. But for some reason, the last two nights, I've chickened out... There is a blond katehopeeden in your future as soon as she figures out where she put her cohones.
Which do you like more readers? The older redheaded version of yours truly?
Or the younger blonder, less fabulous camera version?
I've blogged before about how my imagination can and will run away with me. I have a leash on it and I frequently need to rein it in... however, right now I am writing a lot and so when I start to feel my imagination taking over instead of saying, "whoa girl", I am trying to sit down and write it out. And truthfully, sometimes, doing this makes me lonely and a little sad and occasionally it even makes my outlook on things going on in my life a little skewed. My imagination glasses are powerful. Additionally, when I really get into my head, I don't want to come out. I want to write and write and stay in my little imaginary world because I like it there. Because there, things are perfect... or could be anyway. So Saturday night, there was an incident, one that I will right out very soon... my first inclination every time my stomach clenched up thinking about it was to shut it out. But I am not going to. I am going to write it out and get it out of my system and I am going to use all of the different emotions it gave me in my book. This is hard for me because I will have to separate out the different feelings I had and explore how each one could have led to totally different outcomes. Essentially, I will have to relive the whole night with different ending and beginning possibilities until my head just explodes. I am using Life right now. All of her twists and turns, all of the risks that I would probably be a little hesitant to take are research. It's beneficial. I am getting good writing out of it. It makes me want to write. It makes more ideas come out. And, like I said, it makes me a little sad when I let myself feel these things and then when I am done, I have to come back and accept that they aren't real for me, they are only real for my characters.
I am so glad that I am not thirteen. It is one of those deceiving ages that you are so excited to reach and then once you are there and all of the drama starts happening, you want to get away from it as quickly as possible. You, much to my... (what's the word? Surprise? Dismay? Utter terror?) have just broken up with your second boyfriend. I use the word boyfriend loosely here since it doesn't really mean what you want it to mean yet... in fact sister, it may not mean what you want it to mean for a long time. And when it does finally, you may want it to mean something else entirely. Relationships are tricky. And they are going to stay that way for awhile. I have always been a little afraid of the day when you would come to me and then not want my advice since, for the majority of your life, I've been single. And hey, what do I know right? I'm just your old spinster mom... Oh the things you don't know :-) And one day we can have a long chat if you feel so inclined but for now, I just feel like I need to remind you that I am here. When you came home yesterday afternoon and you went straight to your room instead of poking your head into the kitchen to ask me what we are having for dinner because you are STARVING, I knew something was wrong. I waited a few minutes to see if you would magically emerge but you didn't... even Emilee came in and asked me what was up. I decided to give you some space, after all you'd been surrounded by people all day and maybe you just needed ten minutes of time to yourself. But when I called you for dinner and you said you'd eat later, Emilee and I looked at each other and knew something was up. Emilee, being a little sleuth, got online and started chatting with ya'll's facebook friends and in two minutes had the news. You and Gabe had broken up. We got you out of your room but you barely ate and you didn't want to talk about it yet, just said you were sad. It wasn't until last night when we were getting ready for bed that you told me what had happened and it wasn't until I came in to tuck you in and saw you crying in your room that I really understood the enormity of it all that you were feeling. It's easy for us, as adults, to roll our eyes and make your one week relationship ending so small in our minds. But the reason it is easy for us is because we've experienced it as being huge. And then we experienced the next huge thing and the next and the next and before we knew it, we could look back at the first handful of boys who hurt our feelings and roll our eyes because in comparison to everything that has happened since, it is little to us. But it became that way because we experienced it and it hurt and then it hurt a little less when the next thing hurt a little more. So, Amanda, as much as I hate to say it and as much as I hate to see you going through it, it's all necessary. You have to feel this way so that later you will know that you don't want to. And you have to "go out" with these stupid boys because that way you will learn that you don't want these traits in boys. I hate watching you go through it all. I wish I could hand you a book and say after you read it, you will understand and you can skip all the bullshit, but the fact is - you have to experience things. But, the promise I am making you right now is that I will be here for you every single time you get your feelings hurt and I promise to always, always remember the enormity of what you are feeling. I love you. ~Your Mom
The word of the day is: perspective. Yesterday, in our quarterly meeting, I was enjoying the constant praise that our location was receiving. I can't help it, I'm human and humans like to hear that they are kicking ass. Despite the fact that I had a really rough weekend with the girls contracting head lice and the warrant for my arrest that had just been issued for a speeding ticket I got in 2001 (Nine. Years. Ago.), the former of the two having forced me to take a day off that I really needed to work, I was in really good spirits. I had a really good attitude because I had pushed myself to finish all of the work I needed to get done before the meeting. I'd helped out in areas that I hadn't really needed to help out in because I'd wanted to. In short, I'd done a good job and I was pretty happy with myself.
At about two o'clock, my boss leaned over and said, "did you hear about what happened in Haiti? They had another earthquake this morning, a 6.1..." I hadn't heard. Suddenly, the lady from marketing was fading out and all I could think about was how was Haiti going to survive another earthquake? How many more people were going to die? How many more were going to be brutally injured? Who was going to help them? My eyes started to well up right there in the middle of the marketing section of our quarterly meeting. I wanted to go the bathroom and just sit down and cry. I don't understand everything you know? I don't understand how things like this happen. I don't understand the why. I didn't excuse myself. I shouldered those tears and tried to focus on the meeting that suddenly felt empty and ridiculous. By the end of the hour, I'd managed to push Haiti into a corner in my mind and put my participation in the meeting back in the forefront. After marketing, it was time for awards. Awards. Plaques. Checks. I've been with my company for two and a half years. In the last two years, I have implemented systems that our entire region is now required to use. I've trained other office managers on them. I've helped out with everything I could possibly think to help with. I've set the standards of office management on many levels. I really thought that I was going to get an award. And I didn't. And it stung. And it's stupid. Because people in Haiti are trapped and dying and without water and medical attention. Because other stores in our company are closing, people are fighting for their jobs. And I am sitting there pouting. I had the audacity to pout. To be angry. Lola reminded me yesterday that my feelings are valid. That I'd worked hard and I deserved to be upset that I hadn't been recognized. My feelings were valid. But without perspective I think. I am lucky every single day that I have a home, a job, security in both of those things. That my children are healthy and that head lice, no matter how icky and inconvenient, was the worse thing to happen to them this year. They are happy, they have bright futures. I am lucky. We are, all of us, lucky. So today, I am refocusing. I am not focused on the fact that I didn't win an award yesterday. I am not focused on the head lice or the stupid hundrend and twenty bucks I had to pay for a warrant for a freaking ticket from nine years ago. Today I am having perspective. I am grateful for the things I have and I appreciate them.
The year I turn thirty. What is going to change? I will be thirty this year... Amanda will turn fourteen, Emilee will turn twelve and Triniti will turn eight. Today I got to hold my boss and his wife's new little baby boy. They let me keep him while they left for lunch and for a blissful hour I got to smell his little head and watch the faces he made in that state of half awake, half asleep that two week old babies are prone the staying in. I remember the girl that was pregnant eight years ago. I remember that Christmas when he burned all of the cards and it didn't even matter any more because everything was over anyway. I remember packing and leaving and being this girl who was alone and scared with little girls who were about to start school for the very first time. That girl didn't know the answers. This girl doesn't know them either. But this girl, this almost thirty year old girl? She's got faith in herself. Faith that there will be good choices and smiling and enjoying my girls and plans and friendships and sometimes it will be hard but this girl is happy. And this girl doesn't plan on that changing anytime soon.
That evening, after the movie? I think it was a movie... It happened before I started this blog which is hard for me to imagine because it feels like I've had this blog all of my life. We had taken your car and left mine in a parking lot. I don't remember where we went or what we talked about but I remember that nervousness that is so fun in the beginning. The butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation. I remember riding in your car. I remember being excited. When we got back to the parking lot where my car was, we stayed near your car for awhile, we talked, we kissed, we laughed. You told me I made you nervous. Do you remember that? I remembered it this morning when I was drying my hair and getting ready for work. I just had this flash and there I was, kissing you good night and watching you drag your hand through your hair looking almost exasperated, me asking you what was wrong, you admitting that I made you nervous. At the time, I didn't think it was possible for there to be anything more absurd. You, this big snuggly guy who made my every nerve stand on end being nervous about little old me.
No, seriously. I haven't even emailed anyone about this yet. YOU are the first to know. Well, besides me... I was technically the first to know. :-) Soooooooo, I may have a date tomorrow. The Universe keeps throwing men at me. Granted, they haven't been quality men, but they've been men so there's that.
This morning, the dude from a couple of posts ago actually asked me if we were going to tomorrow's party together. As if. Sorry, I was feeling a little nineties there... THEN he tried to make it out like I ditched him last weekend. Even said that was why he left early. What. Ever. So now, I am being set up... which is only a slight bit better. But I know WAHS will be pleased as she is always trying to get me to poke around and get set up through friends. WAHS, I hold you personally responsible for this. :-) We'll see. May not even pan out.. probably will though since the person trying to set me up has TWO people in mind. A couple of days ago, I was seriously considering not going and instead remaining in my PJs and wrapping presents while watching Love Actually for the nine-hundredth time.
The thing is, I am not old. I am not cranky. I am not desperate. I am not ungrateful. I am not high maintenance. And I am not stupid.
I happen to be a pretty smart chic. And I am fun and even funny. And happy. And loyal. And most importantly, I am honest.
I didn't go to the party with him. The entire week leading up to the party, he barely said three words to me. I had a feeling something wasn't right... and by the end of the week, I'd heard that he had invited someone else to the party that we have on the 19th. The same party he'd already asked me to go to with him. I was convenient. That was all. And he didn't take the whole "DATE" word he used a gaziliondy times seriously. To him, I am just a girl in a sea of girls with whom he could spend time with. He doesn't see me for who I am. And quite frankly, I deserve better than that. And even more franky, I won't accept less than that. So, there was a moment of panic. What do I do? What do I say to him? How do I get out of this night that he will ruin that I would otherwise enjoy? Well, luckily, one of the wives didn't have a babysitter and asked if Amanda could sit for her. And since she is also pregnant, she asked if we could ride together since her husband was planning on drinking AND she is UBER pregnant and wasn't sure she would want to drive back. To keep things civil between the boy and myself, I texted him and asked him to meet me at the co-workers house because Amanda was babysitting for them. He called back immediately and when I told him that they wanted all four of us to ride together, he flinched. He laid some story about how he'd had a crappy week and didn't want to ride with the other couple and maybe he just wouldn't even go. I rolled my eyes and told him that it was his call. He then clicked over and said he'd really just wanted to ride with me so since he wasn't going to be able to, maybe he'd just drive himself. I told him that was stupid since he KNEW he was planning on drinking and wouldn't be fit to drive home. He then said he'd meet me over there in a half an hour. And called back ten minutes later to say he was driving himself. I let out a sigh of relief you could hear three states over. I got out of it. Without confrontation. Without being a bitch. And the thing that occurred to me lastly was that I had been about to waste an evening with someone who I NEVER would have been able to date. Do you know how often my decisions are made based around my children? Or my friends? And if dating meant I had to change that, you can keep dating. The relationships I already have are established and treasured and I am not sacrificing them for a guy I don't know that well. You've got to bend a little to date me. Have to have some understanding in that I have this life that is like 90% booked. If you can't, I can't. It's that simple. Now don't get me wrong, I know that there are things you have to sacrifice and choices that have to be made when you add any kind of relationship to your life. I know that when I get a new girlfriend, I am going to lose hours of time talking on the phone or going out for a drink or shopping. Hours that I would have been able to use for friends I already have or for my girls or for my family. But if I see something in that person that makes me want to have them as a friend, I am going to be willing to make those sacrifices to have them be a part of my life and to be a part of theirs. This guy? He wasn't worth the time because he couldn't even see me.
1. You are too young for me. 2. I am not date-able. 3. I have three kids, I don't have time for this. 4. I should be home doing laundry and vacuuming. 5. And crocheting that baby blanket I need to finish. 6. I'm too old for you. (see 5) 7. You don't have the experience to know what you are getting yourself into. 8. This probably isn't a good idea. 9. If you are really just wanting to sleep with me, just say so. I'd be more inclined. 10. Stop saying "date", it's freaking my shit out. 11. I keep saying I want to write a book I don't think I can date and do that. 12. One day I am going to move. 13. You are too young for me. 14. I haven't had sex in over a year a half.
Goddamn him for seeming so freaking sincere about this. It would be so much easier for me to pick from my Bag Of Excuses and pass on all of this DATING stuff. So. Much. Easier. But sadly, on account of his seeming sincerity and the fact that I have An Imagination which allows forces me to consider ALL of the Happily Ever After Scenarios, I am inclined to give it a chance. But, oh buddy, let me tell you - the FIRST glimpse of a flicker of insincerity and my ass is out. Out and back on my couch at home crocheting.
Who: katehopeeden Where: San Antonio, Texas
Yeah, so I am all that you see here.
I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty...
sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends.
I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am.
Want to know more? Click here!
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
These are a work in progress.
They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog).
All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold.
I don't think I could have done it.
To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise,
but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration.
You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL.
Thank you so much." -Stef
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?!
So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
