Wednesday, March 16, 2005
History lesson #1 (part one)
I am always promising to write about the past. About how and where I grew up, about previous relationships and learning experiences about how I came to be me. Well I guess it is time to own up to that promise and fill ya'll in on some of the wonderful history that molded me into the person you all know (kind of) and love (definitely... Right? Right?? lol)...

I guess since it is my history and my story and my blog, I can start anywhere I want. So, I am going to start with Amanda and Emilee's father. I think that the decisions I made in regards to him have really led me down the road to where I am.

I met (we'll call him) AZ when I was fourteen. I was in my freshman year in high school and living on the coast in Texas. He was eighteen and a friend of one of my classmates. I guess that is where the story should start, with "Matt". Now, for the record, I smoked some pot when I was in high school. I also drank and popped the occasional pill. This particular classmate, Matt, was one of the biggest pot heads in my school. Matt was an interesting looking dude. He had a very plain face, nothing about it was particularly appealing which made him more dull than unattractive. He had gray-green eyes that were neither bright nor clear... they were just dull as well and anything that might have been interesting about them was shielded by his glasses. He wore his gray-blonde hair past his shoulders and it was rarely clean. His clothes were that of your basic "grunge" look of the late nineties. Ratty t-shirts with various metal bands fading on the front and torn up jeans. The thing that made him stand out were his shoes. Matt always were black Converse shoes and they were always falling apart. So much so that at times you wondered if his shoes were going to make it through the day. Looking back, I can remember him being teased about them and I may have even razzed him about them myself (not in a mean way) but he never seemed to care. In the entire time that he and were in school together I only remember him buying one new pair of shoes and everyone made a huge deal out of it. Now that I am thinking back, I can't remember what kind of family back ground Matt had, but I don't think that it was a stable situation.
Anyway, Matt hung out with AZ outside of school and one day Matt and I were going to go get stoned at lunch and were without a place to go. Matt suggested that we walk over to his friend's house. We could get baked and hang out for a little while and then we would go back to school. So we did. I can honestly say that meeting AZ was not a life altering experience as I do not remember meeting him. I do however remember telling my friend at the time that he was cute and she should hook up with him. She took the bait and asked me to introduce the two of them, which I did and it wasn't until she kissed him on the beach that I realized I liked the guy. Why? I don't know, really. I mean he and I had hung out together and we could talk to each other with ease. Plus he was attractive with long blonde hair, blue eyes and a nice toned body, tanned skin. Think surfer and you have AZ.
Anyway, I told both of them (separately) that I was interested in him and she backed off and he pushed on. He and I were seeing each other all the time but we weren't dating. Ironic huh? My first major relationship, one that bore two children and lasted five years and I never once had a date with the guy... Anyway, we definitely were not dating and we were also not a 'couple'. Many people knew we were seeing each other but we had admitted to no one that we were. Maybe this was his doing, maybe it was mine, but nonetheless no one knew for sure.
I would love now to define for you why we were together but I can't. There was nothing earth shaking about AZ and I. Did I love him? Yes, I did. At fourteen, I loved him in the only way a fourteen year old girl can. If I had to say anything about he and I, it would be that we were the best of friends. Had we never taken our relationship to that next level, we would probably still be friends. We were such good friends that we had a functioning relationship that probably would have made a marriage work if it hadn't been for the drugs... but I am getting ahead of myself.
I moved in with AZ when things got bad in my living situation with
my mother and David. I lived with him and three other guys, only one of which is important enough to mention here. We'll call him 'M'. M and AZ had been friends for a very, very, very long time. AZ had confided in me that M had saved him from a neglectful home when he was only twelve. (M was almost fifteen years AZ's senior.) M was also more gay than he was the bi-sexual he claimed to be and to top things off he was in love with AZ. M and I got along fine when AZ wasn't around but having the two of us together near M just flat out pissed him off. This, of course, made for an uneasy household. It was inevitable that I would be the reason that AZ and I would move out and it only took about five months. In fact it was less than a month after I found out that I was pregnant that M and AZ had the fight of all fights and AZ and I got our own place.

continued...

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:04 PM
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