Lots of craziness: the direct definition of pain

Thursday, June 02, 2005

the direct definition of pain

I knew after Veronique died that I wasn't always going to be in full control of my emotions any more, I knew that some times I was going to hear a song on the radio or see a photograph or remember how great she was and I was going to start crying. I knew that holidays and birthdays would be hard. I knew that when I remembered 'that one time', I was going to miss her so much it would hurt. I knew that I was going to think about her a lot and wish she was here constantly.
I didn't know that I was not ever going to have any control over my emotions again. I didn't know that the pain and longing for her would be completely overwhelming. I didn't know that every single thing I see on a day to day basis would make me think of her and wish she was here. I didn't know that I was going to form such a fast and strong bond with her mother. I didn't know that her smell would bring tears to my eyes. I didn't know that I would never ever again feel like she was here or even connected to her in any way.
Everyone told me when I lost Veronique that I would need help, I would need to talk, I would probably need professional help. But I didn't want to share my pain with anyone, I didn't want to unload on anyone because I wanted to feel it all, I wanted all of the pain to be mine and mine alone because she deserved that. She deserved the most of everything including my grief. You know when you have something so great, that makes you feel so fabulous and you don't want to tell anyone? I know, it rarely happens to me either :) But sometimes, you have such a special and huge secret that you want to keep it all to yourself because sharing it would take just a little of it away and you aren't ready to lose any of it, not even a tiny piece... Well, imagine the TOTAL opposite and you have what I felt. I know so many of you were worried about me and many of you thought to yourselves that I was handling it all TOO well because I wouldn't share it with you, with anyone. It's not that I kept it inside, I just kept it to myself. I was selfish with my pain because I didn't want to share it. Sometimes I wonder if I am selfish with her, with my memories... I frequently put her and my friendship up on a pedestal and it seems as though everything else pales in comparison. I loved her so much. Now I have changed and am definitely different. It's like when you learn there is no Santa Claus and your innocence is ripped away from you forever leaving you jaded. Only, it isn't just a lesson. It isn't like burning your hand on the stove where it heals and you have learned not to do it again. It never heals, it never lessens, it only changes, varying in degrees as time passes but still coming back with such extreme force that it could have just happened all over again.
I spent Monday with Veronique's mother. In reality, I thought I would go over there for an hour or two and help with some packing and then I would take the things that she wanted me to have home and put them in my closet with all of the other things of Veronique's that I am not ready to have out. I thought I would have some tea and cry and laugh and leave. Imagine my surprise when I felt such a pull towards her mother. It only took us forty five minutes to get everything I would be taking home loaded into my car and then the talking started.
You'd think that we would just talk about Veronique since that would seemingly be the only thing that the two of us would have in common. You would think that but you would be wrong, as I was. Of course I am going to be able to talk to this woman. Not only because we share the same pain and fond memories but because she is part of the reason that Veronique was who she was. She is her mother. They have so much that is the same and since Veronique's personality was so appealing to me, so is her mother's. Suddenly, on Monday, I was overcome with a new grief. I am going to now lose her when they move to Florida this weekend. The very thought of this makes me so sad. She is the closest I have felt to Veronique since she died and now she is leaving too.
She came by last night and she hugged me and I felt the emotions rip through me. It takes effort now for me not to cry. I am not a crier. In fact, if you asked Tempest, who has known me for over ten years, how many times she has seen me cry she would tell you once... maybe twice. And now, I feel like crying so many times a day that it takes physical effort to keep it from happening. Her mother hugged me and I forced the tears back. I told her I was sad she was leaving and she told me that she was going to miss me so much, so much that she was already missing me. I am already missing her. I feel like I have lost so much this year.
~Kate

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:45 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!

Mandalay - Insensible

12/14/84 - 1/26/05

April 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

January 2008

February 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

October 2010

November 2010

February 2013

September 2016

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you donâ€™t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"

Veronique

Yoda

Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa

Snow

dooce

Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!

All my past photos...

New diet…

The weekend - recap (numero uno)

The weekend - recap (numero dos)

The weekend - recap (numero tres)

Friday - the recap

good morning and all that jazz

I've decided to marry...

wow... just - wow...

Prepared I am not

Yoda, I am...

Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef