Thursday, June 02, 2005
the direct definition of pain
I knew after Veronique died that I wasn't always going to be in full control of my emotions any more, I knew that some times I was going to hear a song on the radio or see a photograph or remember how great she was and I was going to start crying. I knew that holidays and birthdays would be hard. I knew that when I remembered 'that one time', I was going to miss her so much it would hurt. I knew that I was going to think about her a lot and wish she was here constantly.
I didn't know that I was not ever going to have any control over my emotions again. I didn't know that the pain and longing for her would be completely overwhelming. I didn't know that every single thing I see on a day to day basis would make me think of her and wish she was here. I didn't know that I was going to form such a fast and strong bond with her mother. I didn't know that her smell would bring tears to my eyes. I didn't know that I would never ever again feel like she was here or even connected to her in any way.
Everyone told me when I lost Veronique that I would need help, I would need to talk, I would probably need professional help. But I didn't want to share my pain with anyone, I didn't want to unload on anyone because I wanted to feel it all, I wanted all of the pain to be mine and mine alone because she deserved that. She deserved the most of everything including my grief. You know when you have something so great, that makes you feel so fabulous and you don't want to tell anyone? I know, it rarely happens to me either :) But sometimes, you have such a special and huge secret that you want to keep it all to yourself because sharing it would take just a little of it away and you aren't ready to lose any of it, not even a tiny piece... Well, imagine the TOTAL opposite and you have what I felt. I know so many of you were worried about me and many of you thought to yourselves that I was handling it all TOO well because I wouldn't share it with you, with anyone. It's not that I kept it inside, I just kept it to myself. I was selfish with my pain because I didn't want to share it. Sometimes I wonder if I am selfish with her, with my memories... I frequently put her and my friendship up on a pedestal and it seems as though everything else pales in comparison. I loved her so much. Now I have changed and am definitely different. It's like when you learn there is no Santa Claus and your innocence is ripped away from you forever leaving you jaded. Only, it isn't just a lesson. It isn't like burning your hand on the stove where it heals and you have learned not to do it again. It never heals, it never lessens, it only changes, varying in degrees as time passes but still coming back with such extreme force that it could have just happened all over again.
I spent Monday with Veronique's mother. In reality, I thought I would go over there for an hour or two and help with some packing and then I would take the things that she wanted me to have home and put them in my closet with all of the other things of Veronique's that I am not ready to have out. I thought I would have some tea and cry and laugh and leave. Imagine my surprise when I felt such a pull towards her mother. It only took us forty five minutes to get everything I would be taking home loaded into my car and then the talking started.
You'd think that we would just talk about Veronique since that would seemingly be the only thing that the two of us would have in common. You would think that but you would be wrong, as I was. Of course I am going to be able to talk to this woman. Not only because we share the same pain and fond memories but because she is part of the reason that Veronique was who she was. She is her mother. They have so much that is the same and since Veronique's personality was so appealing to me, so is her mother's. Suddenly, on Monday, I was overcome with a new grief. I am going to now lose her when they move to Florida this weekend. The very thought of this makes me so sad. She is the closest I have felt to Veronique since she died and now she is leaving too.
She came by last night and she hugged me and I felt the emotions rip through me. It takes effort now for me not to cry. I am not a crier. In fact, if you asked Tempest, who has known me for over ten years, how many times she has seen me cry she would tell you once... maybe twice. And now, I feel like crying so many times a day that it takes physical effort to keep it from happening. Her mother hugged me and I forced the tears back. I told her I was sad she was leaving and she told me that she was going to miss me so much, so much that she was already missing me. I am already missing her. I feel like I have lost so much this year.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:45 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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12/14/84 - 1/26/05

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