Thursday, March 31, 2005
Leaving on a jet plane...
Good morning, dear reader. Today is my Friday :) No work for this girly tomorrow. Why? Well, I am hopping a flight to Dallas.
"All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go"
Yeah right! Most of what I need to pack is located... does that count? lol
"So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Because I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again"
(actually, I'll be back Sunday afternoon, lol)
Well, ya'll, I will be out of contact from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. I am going to try and get my second history less up tomorrow before I leave to keep everyone busy until I get back :)
If you get bored, you can still ask me questions or read my first history lesson or laugh at my pain... There are many a post to peruse and if you leave comments, they will notify me via email so feel free.
In the mean time, you can also check out Hot Toddy's blog, or comment on my dating blog, or see what Desolation Angel has been up to... Or you could get up and step away from your PC and head outside. That bright yellow thing in the sky (all that blue stuff) is called the sun. Sit in it's rays for a few minutes, it'll give you a better tan than the light from your monitor :)
Gonna miss you guys!
Labels: Dallas Trip
I would like to apologize for not updating everything yesterday, but I won't. Why? Because it was BLOGGER's fault, damn it! Every single time I tried to log on, it gave me error messages. I finally got that post up so that all of you wouldn't feel abandoned! Miss me? Well, I'm back :)~Kate
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Oh, wow, I had a very weird dream last night. VERY weird! I was lying in bed with #9 and he was holding me. He didn’t want me to leave and kept trying to stall me. I was searching for that feeling, you know the one you get when you are with someone you love and they have their arms around you and you feel safe and loved. I was searching for that feeling and I couldn’t get it. It was comparable to not being able to get comfortable. While he was being sweet and trying to make me comfortable, I just knew it was wrong and that I needed to leave. So he drives me to the post office (I don’t fucking know why, it was a dream) and drops me off and says he will be back in a few minutes. I go inside and there is Mr. I… Well, kind of Mr. I. I knew it was Mr. I, but he looked like Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, he is trying to talk to me and I want to stay and talk to him but I know that #9 is coming back and for some reason I don’t want either of them to see each other so I am trying to leave, but Mr. I is trying to tell me something important.
Then I woke up. Thank goodness, because it was a weird fucking dream.
~Katewho blames it on her new PJ’s
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
One of those forget-your-deodorant days
What the hell is going on with me? Anything and everything resembling normalcy has flown out the window. Making an ass out of myself, my plans going to shit… This morning, I actually forgot to put on deodorant! I don’t even know if that has every happened before. Of course, I wearing a collared work shirt, so if I were to sweat a tiny bit, you could see it. Thank goodness my gym bag is in the car. I dug around for about ten minutes and finally found it.
Oh! And get this. My windshield wipers decided to just stop working! What the fuck? Did I piss the Universe off? So, I thought, hey, no big deal… It’s gonna be sunny all week. Yeah, then I come outside this morning and lots and lots of dark looming clouds. Damn it. So, when Boss gets here, I need to go check my car into service. Stupid wiper thingys.
Is anyone else having a screwy week?
Monday, March 28, 2005
Open Mouth – Insert Foot
I usually pride myself in not making an ass out of myself. Today was an exception. It seems my world is all out of balance or something. We have a guy who works here who is always joking about killing him self if he doesn’t make his sale quota every week. This is also the cute dude I was referring to before. Anyway, my Boss is running through records and says cute boys name and I said ‘oh, suicide boy’ being the smart ass that you all know and love. Boss sits back in his chair and looks out of his office and says ‘hi [cute boy]’. I thought he was fucking with me and I said ‘he isn’t out there’. Yeah. He was. Open mouth – insert foot. I feel like such an ass. What really sucks is now I am almost certain I have ruined the nice friendship that he and I were building on. He would sit outside with me while I was smoking and shoot the shit and now he probably thinks I talk shit about him. Jiffinner said I should have stuck with calling him ‘cute boy’ like I usually do when he isn’t around. I am starting to wonder which would have been worse.
~Katewallowing in her embarrassment
Some time at the gym
This is all in my head starting from when I open the door to the gym.
Crap! Where is my little card thingy? Man, now I have to look like an ass digging around in my bag for it. Found it! Oh, drop it back in, drop it back in, there is a cute boy behind the counter. Say ‘hi’, Kate! Shoot, he answered the phone. Smile at him, find your card. You have been standing here for like a whole minute already. Give the gate a second, Kate. If you push it too soon you’ll have to swipe your card again. Ok, grab a little sweat towel so you don’t have to walk back over here. Haha, I’m too lazy to walk twenty feet at the gym! I wonder how many people’s sweat has been on this. What kind of detergent do they use? I hate walking in front of the treadmills, they are looking at me. My shoes are all loud on the faux wood floor, so of course I am pissing them off. Walk faster and less loudly so that… oooh hey, who is that guy on the treadmill? He is just running his adorable little heart out. Don’t stare at him.
Ok, stop looking at cute boy and open the door, you look stupid just standing here. Apologize to the girl you almost slammed the door into. It smells weird in here… like sage or herbal potpourri. Why do they do that? And why do they play that weird music? It sounds like I am in Japan or something. Someone put their stuff in #8 again, I hate that. I pick out a perfectly good locker and they steal it. Fine, it’s ok, use 11.
Oh my god. Did I forget my tennis shoes again? Oh please, tell me I didn’t. It would be so embarrassing to walk out to the car again! There they are, ok. Do I have socks?
Why don’t I concentrate more? Just like twenty more minutes of preparation and I would be so much more organized. I wonder if Amanda is having a hard time with her math homework. Poor thing. They are split down the middle, one reads better, one does math better. I wish I was better at math. Don’t forget the towel. Oh! And the water, don’t forget the water. Their water tastes like bleach. Why do places do that? Bleach is gross – unless you are cleaning with it, then it’s good. But Mr. Clean orange smells so much better. When was the last time I mopped? Oh man, like four days. I need to mop. I need a new mop. And a new broom. I better write that down when I am done.
Good only three people working out on the Death Machine’s. I hope I don’t get the squeaky one. Which one is the squeaky one? Shit! I forgot. Ok, put your towel thingy down and your water. Ok, how do I program this again? Hit enter, ok. Enter age, ok. Enter weight, lie. Lie. Lie. Does twenty pounds really make a difference? What if it screws up my heart rate? Better tell the truth. Is that guy looking over here. Stop trying to see how much I weigh, baldy. Ok, pick a course. Hmmmm, I did the cross country one the last time – well most of it anyway. How about hill climbing? Yeah. Ok, now start pedaling. I need to work out more. Why don’t I? What’s on the TV? Basketball! Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t they ever put anything on worth watching? I need to get my mp3 player fixed. I wonder if I could change the channel. No. Damn it, that girl is watching. Why are you watching blonde girl? It’s basketball! Arg. I should have brought a book.
Check out that guy lifting weights. Is he walking over here? Yes. To the water fountain. WHY do I always get on the Death Machine closest to the water fountain?? I’m such a fucking idi – oh.my.god. what the fuck resistance is this? Jeeesus, I think my knees are breaking! The cute guy is looking me, smile. Don’t look like you are struggling. Look like that other girl who is all bouncy and smiling and – holy fuck, did the resistance just go up again?? Is that cute guy walking over to talk to me? Need. Water. Of course he is going to talk to bouncy blonde babe girl. Asshole. Men are assholes. Why do they have to be so stupid? Maybe I can drink the water while pedaling and look all cool, probably not, I might fall. Haha, that would suck. Did I just laugh out loud? Shit. Yuck, I’m all sweaty, ooohhhh, I hate wiping my face off with those towels, they leave little fuzzy white things on my shirt and on my forehead that one time. I wonder how long it was there before I went back into the locker room. Did I turn on the dry sauna? Shit. I hope it is on. Cool-down. Yes, I love this machine. Why don’t I buy one for at home? They can’t be that expensive. Oh no, that buff weird old guy is walking over here. Look at the TV, Kate, look at the TV. Oh great, a commercial for hemorrhoid cream. And I am all staring at it like I care about my hemorrhoids. Geez. But if I look down, buff weird old dude is going to talk to me. I’ll use my phone. Where is my phone? Fuck. It’s in the locker room. Look back at the TV, hurry. Still hemorrhoids? Oh, he turned around. I’ve only got three minutes left anyway, three minutes won’t make me skinnier, time to get the hell off of this machine. Oh no. My legs are all… weird. What the fuck? If I fall over right now, I am going to sue this gym. Just be careful, very careful. Get into the locker room, then fall down. Oh god.. oh no, I am walking all funny. Is anyone looking? Don’t look, just try and walk normal. And careful. Why do I come here? It’s always weird, it’s been like a year and I am still weirded out. I’ll shower at home, time to go. Someone stole my stuff. I put it right here in #8 and it’s gone. It was probably that blonde girl. Bitch. Wait. Yeah, here it is, in 11. Man, I am starving. ~Kate
Saturday, March 26, 2005
answers to your questions
From Jiffinner:1.Who is your favorite Gilmore Girls character?~Ok, this is actually a very hard question. As in all sitcoms/drama shows, your favorite changes so often because the characters change so often. I doubt, though, that you are looking for a philosophical/analytical answer to that :P Right now, Logan is my favorite for reasons that don't really need explaining if you are a GG fan :)2.When was the last time you laughed 'til you cried?~It was last week. Ruthie and I got into some goofy discussion that I cannot for the life of me remember what about and I was crying and unable to breath.3.When was the last time you used a spork?~Taco Bell. That is the only place that still uses sporks. Why? Because sporks are the direct definition of CRAP. I fucking hate sporks. Anyway, Taco Bell is cheap so they still use cheap fake utensils.I had help with #3. Guess who ;) ~I'm sorry, I can't. THREE questions Jiffinner :P NEXT?From Tempest:
#1. THE BEST ever sex?? (need names btw)~The best sex ever? Let me preface this with a joke I got in my email the other day: Q: What is an Australian Kiss? A: It is the same as a French Kiss, but only down under. "need names btw" Look at you, girly! Making me stroke egos and you know I loathe doing it :P The best sex I have ever had was with Mr. I. That's it, no more details :P #2 WHAT WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL NICK NAME! (lmfao u said u'd answer anything LMFAO! cracking myself up here btw)~Ok, let me start by saying YOU FUCKING BITCH. Ok, yeah, now I feel slightly better. I have tried (obviously in vain) to leave this in the past. I HATE this nickname. It was mean. Let me clarify by saying that the nicknames that we (in my group of friends) had in high school were mean. For no other reason than that we lived in a small town and were bored. My nickname in high school was Heifer Mack -n- Lay. Yeah. I know. Hilarious. You can stop laughing. Now.For the record, if you call me this, I will kill you. Period.Thanks, btw, TAMPAX :P#3. WORST sex ever? (need names BTW) ~Sadly, this took some thought. At first I was mentally running through partners, then I decided it should be more of an isolated experience. There was this one time with AZ that was absolutely horrible. He was drunk and I remember looking up at him and seeing this look of... well, nothing. He was flat out using me and I remember how awful that felt, to just be used like that. No emotion.~Kate
I thought this open letter to you would be an excellent 100th blog entry. I’m afraid it won’t be all pleasant as I do have a few
bones to pick with you favors to ask you.
I’m sure you have noticed that I occasionally curse you and I am sure that I am just one of the many voices you hear. However, if you could lend me a few moments of your time, I will try and be brief.
The first thing I would like to discuss with you is my financial situation. Would it be possible for you to send me those winning lottery numbers some time before I die? Considering that you are all-knowing and all-powerful and all that jazz, the winning numbers should be well with in your grasp. I would of course do many charitable things with my winnings like feeding the sick and healing the hungry or is that the other way around? Either way, I know you really want me to have that convertible that I have been hoping to acquire one day and those numbers would really help push me into the realm of being a convertible-owing, charity-contributing-to person.
The next thing is my love life. I know I mocked you before in regards to that and I apologize, blame it on hunger or caffeine or lack of sleep. Either way, I am sorry about that. That said… what the fuck? I mean, why the vendetta? Do I in some way offend you and you are dead set on keeping me single until I am in my forties? Did I screw your brother over or something? What ever it was that I did. I am sorry. Seriously.
I know that I can be a bit demanding and that the last few dudes you sent my way (that wanted to marry me and thereby incur the wrath of hell on my life for many, many, many years) kinda sucked. I know I am picky in my wanting of someone that will love me and my girls and not be addicted to drugs or alcohol or have a history of violence and infidelity or be bi-polar, schizophrenic, manic depressive, have self esteem issues or gambling problems or whatever, but could you consider looking around. If he were hot, that would be appreciated. If he were rich, that would be even more appreciated. If he had an Australian accent – ok, I know, I am getting carried away. Sorry.
I don’t have any complaints in the motherhood department right now. This is actually the thank-you part of this letter. I have to thank you because you have given me three of the coolest girls that I could have ever hoped to have as daughters. If the aforementioned complaints are just the things I have to do without because my kids are so cool, please disregard them. But, if you could help Amanda with her math, that would be great. I know that there is nothing you can do about Emilee because she is just nutty period. Oh, but some help this weekend with the potty training would rock.
Other than that, I am good. A few minor favors that would keep me that way would be if you could keep my car running and my girls healthy and my job stable. I wouldn’t mind getting laid every once in awhile… I hope you are well, controlling the outcome of everyone’s lives and the stars and planetary movements and stuff. Don’t work too hard.
P.S. Your daughter, Karma, is getting so big! Tell her I said hello. I may actually write her soon :)
Labels: Being Mommy, My pathetic excuse for a love life, The Universe
Thursday, March 24, 2005
So, I am talking to Jiffinner a few minutes ago and she tells me about this great idea she read about on another blog. I don't know the blog as my blogs-that-I-read quota has been met for the next two million or so decades. I am like an editor for a book publishing company, I only take new blogs if they are represented by an agent, send a short synopsis and a S.A.S.E. and I will let you know with in six weeks (this is reminding me that I have about a half a dozen new recommendations for that column to the right).
Anyway, the idea... Here is goes: Ask me anything. You, get three questions (kind of like three wishes huh? awww). Ask me any three questions and I have to answer them. Not just answer them, but answer them honestly -gasp-. Any three questions. Go crazy!
This kind of plays in with my recent confessionals (history lesson #1, ten things you didn't know about me -- and yes, I am working on #2) so if you had any questions bobbing around in your head when you read them, now is the time to ask.
chewing her nails in anticipation
Ahhhh, my darling Triniti.
Whom I love with all the fiber in my being (divided, of course, by three so that I can love each girl with equal parts of all of the fiber in my being). For those of you who aren't up to speed on my
crazy little hellion lovely little angel, she will be three on May 30th. Three. Such a sweet age, where children are at the pique of their cuteness. When their rebelliousness kicks in and they learn such lovely phrases as "NOOOOO!!!!!" and "IT'S MINE!!!!" Where they test your speed and patience by repeatedly running away from you, laughing like crazy.
Really, I can't complain much about Trin. She is awesome as far as toddlers go. She plays by herself and can keep herself entertained for hours at a time. She is incredibly sweet, often running up and hugging you for no other reason than she felt like it. When she says "Eye Wuvb uuu Maw Maw", it just melts my heart into a giant puddle of goo on the floor. When my sister leaves for work and Trin waves at her saying "BYE BYE Rew-sie" a hundred times, I just want to scoop her up and kiss her. And when she climbs up on your bed and gives you a big ol kiss and a hug, it makes your day.
However, take same angelic smallish girl into public and you will think about
disowning her how her curious nature gets her into mischief. She runs around like a crack addict at the pique of her meth high, she laughs hysterically when you try and catch her, she cries whenever we leave anyone any where. We dropped her sisters off at gymnastics and she cried for ten minutes saying "Aweda [Amanda], Emememy [Emilee], Aweda, Emememy, meeeuilk [milk]." She also has a tendency to ask me things while I am driving that I can't even begin to understand. I just smile at her and say "yeah". She must think I am a moron.
Anyway, both of her sisters were potty trained by 18months. Of course, I was home with them so they didn't go to day care. Trin is not potty trained, at all. I bought her a potty for her birthday last year. One of those cool potties that sings or some shit when you pee in it. She played with it for ten minutes and then peed in her panties in my room. This process was repeated for the next six months. My daughter has not, not even once, peed or pooped in her potty. The time has come.
She has started to take her diaper off on her own at rather inopportune times no less. Like in the middle of the night or at the table. She will then walk up to you, naked from the waste down, and say "dye-pew". Well, yesterday, for the first time, she came in and said "dye-pew", but she was holding a pair of her Blue's Clues panties! So, this weekend, we start the potty training! Wish us luck!
Mommy with a mission!
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
A horrifying discovery (on hump-day no less)
I decided to test myself last week. On St. Patrick’s Day, I swung by an old lovers house just to say hi. I hadn’t spoken to him in awhile and figured I’d pop by and see how he was doing. I was on a time limit, as I had to pick my girls up twenty minutes after I got there. Part of the reason I stopped by was to say hello. I have been trying to be a better friend since I lost Veronique (you truly don’t understand how quick you can lose a friendship until you do) and in doing so, I am trying to squeeze in more friend time and less I’m to busy for you because I work time. Anyway, the other (teeny tiny) reason I stopped by was because I haven’t been laid in a long time and I was curious to see whether he and I were still into sleeping together. Well, he was, I was not. After a few moments of reflection, I realized that I am not interested in sleeping with anyone. Let me rephrase that, I am not sexually attracted to any one right now. We have #9, who was nice, nice looking according to TG, interested in me, and stable. And what did I do? Cancelled my date with him last Friday so I could stay home in my PJs and watch Finding Neverland and Bridget Jones. Why? Because I don’t want to sleep with this guy, I don’t even want him to try and kiss me. If I knew I could go out with him and he’d keep his hands to himself, I would probably be more inclined to accept. As it is, I have rescheduled for a lunch [read: safe].
Is it possible that I am… what? Happily Celibate? Impossible, not I. In fact, I know I am not ‘happily celibate’, because I have not lost interest. It just seems that the two prospects I have in front of me (EP & #9) are not cutting it for me. I have never had this problem before. In fact, I used to be able to have no-strings-attached-sex with little to no thought involved. Am I getting older? Changing? -stomps foot- Well, damn it, I don’t want to. I want the good ol’ days back. It has been many a month since I have had a good roll in the hay and I’m in need of one. Why do I suddenly have to care about who it is with????
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Daylight Savings Time
You know what? I absolutely hate hate hate it when the sun is up before I have to wake up. For the last week or so, I have been waking up before my alarm clock because it is light outside. You know when you wake up and see that it is already light out and your heart skips a beat as you think you are late? Then you pop up to check your clock and you still have like thirty minutes to sleep? But, of course, you can't get back to sleep because you have already scared yourself awake? This is driving me fucking crazy. And then daylight savings kicks in (or out, not sure which) and it will be totally light out at 6:00 when my alarm sounds... or will it?
Daylight Saving Time is one of those evil and practically non-understandable events. The first thing that I don't get is why in the sam hell we have to have it at all. I mean, it can't be that big of a deal if we change it back a few months later, right? That was one thing I loved about living in Arizona, they don't have it there. The second thing I hate is trying to figure out if I am supposed to turn the clock forward or backwards. Thank goodness someone finally told me about Spring forward and Fall back. (Before that, I was depending on my computer's genius to tell me what time it was.) So this Spring on April third, I am to turn my clocks forward one hour.
So, maybe I am an idiot (no comments necessary there, tyvm) but my brain has a very difficult time comprehending whether I am getting up earlier or later. If I have lost or gained anything at all. I mean, if I changed the clock forward last Fall, then did I gain or lose an hour then? Am I getting it back now, or losing it? I am definitely losing it, lol. I think the entire concept of Daylight Savings Time is ludicrous. It would be awesome if the entire fad was just done away with, if for no other reason than to cut stress levels. Because the more I think about it, the more confused I get.~Kate
Monday, March 21, 2005
Oh. My. Goodness. This movie so totally rocked. I watched it yesterday afternoon while I was procrastinating the assassination of the laundry monster living in my bedroom. I had promised my daughter we would watch it together, but twenty minutes in she and her sister were watching cartoons in the other room.
Let me tell you why this movie rocked. First of all: Johnny Depp. Need I say more? Doesn't he rock at pretty much everything that he does. He probably sleeps better than we do. He is adorable and sweet and he makes you want to go and find a Scottish/Irish dude to hook up with. Second: Kate Winslet. Her portrayal of the mother of those four boys made me want to be a better mom. She was so great, so accepting of her children and their feelings. She truly made you believe that she was their mother. Which brings me to my third reason: the kids. GREAT actors those four boys were. Absolutely excellent. Next, the story line. I have to be honest and admit that the majority of the time I could care less what movies are out, coming out, or have been out. That said, I had no idea what this movie was about. The story behind it was very good. The end made me cry but I loved the way it all came together so perfectly.
So, my point is that you need to watch it. Don't bother renting it, go buy it. It comes out on Tuesday.~Kate
Saturday, March 19, 2005
I envy Bridget Jones
Is that wrong? To sigh to yourself as you watch Colin Firth be totally in love with her through the entire movie… Who doesn’t want that kind of love? That head over heels, I love all of your idiocies kind of love. The entire time you watch this movie you are wishing that was you. I mean, I know that Renee Zellweger is hot, but she isn’t looking her best in that movie. She put on a nice chunk of weight to play Bridget Jones and he loves her anyway. He loves that she is insecure and so mad for him that she is acting like an idiot. He loves her period. –insert a long ‘awwwwwwww’ here-
Now what are the odds that not one good looking British guy but two are going to be head over heels for her? Not good I imagine. So when Hugh Grant is all over Bridget, my bullshit meters went through the roof. But man, it sure does make for some optimism, doesn’t it?
Optimistic about finding hot British dudes :P
Friday, March 18, 2005
A Lesson in Humility
Humility. What a great word huh? Humiliation. Humiliate. Humble. Lots of ‘H’ words… Here’s an ‘E’ word: embarrass. You know when you are sitting in a room and you are talking about someone else and then they walk in. That awkwardness that ensues? Yeah, that’s the feeling I had today. Only you should pretend that you talked about that person for three consecutive hours while they stood outside the door hanging on your every word.
The feeling you will have for me upon hearing why will be the same one that you get when one of your friends gets up on stage and sings karaoke. And they pick one of those truly hard-to-sing songs and butcher it. I don’t mean that they hit one or two keys incorrectly; I mean destroy it, annihilate it, obliterate it. So badly, in fact, that you and your other friends consider leaving them up on stage and sneaking out before anyone realizes that you came with that person.
Today, dear readers, I was faced with a serious moral dilemma. Ok, maybe not moral… A character decision. When faced with the certainly that the one and only Mr. I would be perusing my blogs in their entirety, I seriously considered going through my entries before he would be able to read them and deleting each and every personal thought/feeling I had written about him, my feelings for him, and my experiences with him. I was sitting there staring at my ‘edit post’ page thinking that I could very easily spare myself from his reading my inner most thoughts and feelings by simply clicking a few times in the right places. I thought about the fact that I had never intended to have him here, on my blog, seeing what I write on a day to day basis. That, in my mind, was validation enough for deleting the posts.
I went back to the first post. I started at the beginning of my blog, when it was but a mere baby idea. And as I started reading through all of the things that I have written in here and many that I had forgotten I had ever written, I realized that I couldn’t delete them. Because I wanted him to read them? No. Because the reason my blog has had nearly one thousand hits (I noticed that today, lol) is because of the honesty you all expect from me. Because I didn’t want to take away part of what my blog is and of who I am. Because I am not ashamed of anything I have written in here because it is all true [disclaimer: or my true feelings when written].
I have made many new friends through this blog and have gotten so much great advice and emails. And whatever popularity my blog has acquired, it earned through being exactly what it is. I am not now, or ever, going to delete any of the things I put in it despite its readers. So, if I have to eat a little crow, feel a little uncomfortable and exposed… well so be it.
So before you chew your nails off, let me tell you that he has read it – all. There was no train wreck of insanity. Other than the aforementioned embarrassment on my behalf, it looks like he and I are ok. One of you said that maybe it would be better for him to know, for it all to be on the table. Maybe it is. I was actually on the phone with him while he was reading some of it and heard him laugh at loud. I wondered how many of you laugh out loud while reading my blog… So, all is well in the world of Kate. Although it is making him nuts not knowing why his name is Mr. I :P
Have a great weekend readers :) except you Billabong (or should I start calling you Sally?) for your insinuation that was my bad Karma catching up to me :P :P
Labels: Mr. I
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Things you don't know about me...
Yes, I know. I have crushed your heart. Go get your tissues, I'll wait. It was brought to my attention yesterday by more than one friend that after having read my History Lesson #1, many of you felt you don't know me at all. Now, let me start with a smallish apology. I don't intentionally keep things from you, my friends, rather they are just things I have yet to share... Feel better? Blow your nose and we'll start...
1. I am in love with Matthew McConaughey... OH! You knew that already? hmmm, that's right... I have mentioned him before huh? Ok, well, I am also in love with Jim Caveizel. You didn't know that did you?? Sadly, Jimmy boy is married so Matthew is the one and only man for me :)
2. I drive a very old car that I love. Yeah, your probably thinking it can't be that old! Kate works for a dealership! Yeah, think again. It is that old! I drive a 1986 Chrysler Fifth Avenue. Amazing huh? lol She has almost 99k miles on her and I absolutely love that car. I know I am going to have to replace her in the coming months when something suitable pops up, but until then...
3. I have many, many cats. I can blame this partially on Amanda as she is the one with the bleeding heart. If there are any poor, pathetic, homeless animals out there, she has to bring them home and feed and nurture them. How many cats? Think low twenties. I haven't counted in a month or so and I have noticed a few new ones at feeding time. Only three of these cats are ours by choice rather than inheritance and they are all neutered males.
4. I love the beach. How in the world that hasn't been mentioned here a hundred times is beyond me. I grew up mostly on the coast. We've lived on the coast here in Texas as well as Hawaii. I love the beach... I think that it is one of the most soothing things in the world to hear the crash of waves.
5. I believe in the sanctity of friendship. If you are my friend, I will treat you with the same respect and loyalty that you show me. When it comes to friends, it isn't quantity but rather quality that I appreciate.
6. My favorite color is purple, followed by blue. Why? I don't fucking know, just is.
7. I have seven siblings. I have one full brother and one full sister, I also have four half brothers and one half sister. My father had five children with various mothers across Canada before hooking up with my Mom after he hopped the border.
8. I have a couple of tattoos. The first I got when I was 15 and it is a flower, yin-yang, peace sign, and a heart clustered together. The next two I got about 8 months later, a blue and purple butterfly and a purple rose. All of these reside on my right ankle. And I am planning to get another :)
9. I am Agnostic. 10. I am Irish and Scottish. You may have noticed the reddish hair in the pics and the freckles that I have had since I was a tot.
Ok, there are your first ten random facts about Kate. There are more and I will add them as I think of them so stay tuned. Did I leave something out you wanted to know? Email me.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
History lesson #1 (part one)
I am always promising to write about the past. About how and where I grew up, about previous relationships and learning experiences about how I came to be me. Well I guess it is time to own up to that promise and fill ya'll in on some of the wonderful history that molded me into the person you all know (kind of) and love (definitely... Right? Right?? lol)...
I guess since it is my history and my story and my blog, I can start anywhere I want. So, I am going to start with Amanda and Emilee's father. I think that the decisions I made in regards to him have really led me down the road to where I am.
I met (we'll call him) AZ when I was fourteen. I was in my freshman year in high school and living on the coast in Texas. He was eighteen and a friend of one of my classmates. I guess that is where the story should start, with "Matt". Now, for the record, I smoked some pot when I was in high school. I also drank and popped the occasional pill. This particular classmate, Matt, was one of the biggest pot heads in my school. Matt was an interesting looking dude. He had a very plain face, nothing about it was particularly appealing which made him more dull than unattractive. He had gray-green eyes that were neither bright nor clear... they were just dull as well and anything that might have been interesting about them was shielded by his glasses. He wore his gray-blonde hair past his shoulders and it was rarely clean. His clothes were that of your basic "grunge" look of the late nineties. Ratty t-shirts with various metal bands fading on the front and torn up jeans. The thing that made him stand out were his shoes. Matt always were black Converse shoes and they were always falling apart. So much so that at times you wondered if his shoes were going to make it through the day. Looking back, I can remember him being teased about them and I may have even razzed him about them myself (not in a mean way) but he never seemed to care. In the entire time that he and were in school together I only remember him buying one new pair of shoes and everyone made a huge deal out of it. Now that I am thinking back, I can't remember what kind of family back ground Matt had, but I don't think that it was a stable situation.
Anyway, Matt hung out with AZ outside of school and one day Matt and I were going to go get stoned at lunch and were without a place to go. Matt suggested that we walk over to his friend's house. We could get baked and hang out for a little while and then we would go back to school. So we did. I can honestly say that meeting AZ was not a life altering experience as I do not remember meeting him. I do however remember telling my friend at the time that he was cute and she should hook up with him. She took the bait and asked me to introduce the two of them, which I did and it wasn't until she kissed him on the beach that I realized I liked the guy. Why? I don't know, really. I mean he and I had hung out together and we could talk to each other with ease. Plus he was attractive with long blonde hair, blue eyes and a nice toned body, tanned skin. Think surfer and you have AZ.
Anyway, I told both of them (separately) that I was interested in him and she backed off and he pushed on. He and I were seeing each other all the time but we weren't dating. Ironic huh? My first major relationship, one that bore two children and lasted five years and I never once had a date with the guy... Anyway, we definitely were not dating and we were also not a 'couple'. Many people knew we were seeing each other but we had admitted to no one that we were. Maybe this was his doing, maybe it was mine, but nonetheless no one knew for sure.
I would love now to define for you why we were together but I can't. There was nothing earth shaking about AZ and I. Did I love him? Yes, I did. At fourteen, I loved him in the only way a fourteen year old girl can. If I had to say anything about he and I, it would be that we were the best of friends. Had we never taken our relationship to that next level, we would probably still be friends. We were such good friends that we had a functioning relationship that probably would have made a marriage work if it hadn't been for the drugs... but I am getting ahead of myself.
I moved in with AZ when things got bad in my living situation with my mother and David. I lived with him and three other guys, only one of which is important enough to mention here. We'll call him 'M'. M and AZ had been friends for a very, very, very long time. AZ had confided in me that M had saved him from a neglectful home when he was only twelve. (M was almost fifteen years AZ's senior.) M was also more gay than he was the bi-sexual he claimed to be and to top things off he was in love with AZ. M and I got along fine when AZ wasn't around but having the two of us together near M just flat out pissed him off. This, of course, made for an uneasy household. It was inevitable that I would be the reason that AZ and I would move out and it only took about five months. In fact it was less than a month after I found out that I was pregnant that M and AZ had the fight of all fights and AZ and I got our own place.
Labels: History Lesson
History Lesson #1 (part two)
Oh, to be young and stupid. Young enough to think that the love I felt was more than a deep crush. Stupid enough to believe that living in a trailer park with AZ was my dream. That's the thing about 'love', it makes you believe that everything will be all right and it won't. Picture a just-turned sixteen year old sophomore, two months pregnant, living in a one bedroom trailer with an almost twenty year old emotionally unstable man. Imagine the roaches and the poverty. Imagine the table that folds away to make a bed. Imagine the meth-heads stopping by and swapping drugs for cash and cash for drugs. Imagine the dirty dishes and filthy trailer. Imagine the 16 year old girl sitting in the other room reading baby magazines in a cloud of naivete. I was three months pregnant when it hit me. When I came "home" from school and stepped into the tiny metal oven I was calling home and saw the mirror and razor blade on the table and the ashtray over flowing with cigarette buts and pot roaches. When I went to the pint sized refrigerator to get something to eat to ease the nausea and saw it empty except for two lone cans of beer. When I went to the bedroom and realized it was little more than a bed and it was filthy. When I looked around and realized that I was calling this "home"... I sat down and cried as reality slapped me hard in the face. My 'love' glasses fell off and shattered on the linoleum that was rolling away from the walls. This wasn't what I wanted for my life. What the fuck was I doing?
I sat down with AZ that day and told him I was out. I was out on the whole deal. There was no fucking way in hell I was going to have a baby in that filthy trailer and teach that baby the differences in beer brands and drug measurements. I told him I was giving the baby up for adoption and then I was going to carry out my original plan of going to college and becoming a computer programmer and that he was on his own. He took this as an 'emotional thing' seeing as how I was pregnant and he had watched some sitcoms at some point in time in his life. I convinced him that I was, indeed, serious. In fact, I had called the adoption people before he had come home from work and was meeting with them the next day. He freaked out, believe it or not the idea of losing me was pretty scary for him. He convinced me to stay and he would change our lives but he couldn't convince me to not look into adoption.
Two months later we were moved to a town near Houston living with his grandmother. He thought that if we got away from the town we were in and started over that we stood a better chance of getting away from the things that were keeping him down and he was right. Or at least, kind of right. His grandmother was nice enough but you could tell she didn't want us there and as it turned out I was the second pregnant chic to be brought back home to Granny. The first was by AZ's big brother. (Don't you just love tradition?) We moved up in the world. AZ got a stable job that paid a few bucks more than minimum wage and we moved from Granny's place to a two-bedroom mobile home. Well I wasn't a college graduate but it was clean and he was clean and all seemed right in my little corner of the world for a few months.
I was five months pregnant when M blew his brains out with a small revolver at his boyfriend's kitchen table. AZ blamed himself of course. I mean, he had abandoned his best friend for his knocked up girlfriend, who else could he blame? Looking back, this was the very beginning of the end.
Labels: History Lesson
History Lesson #1 (part three)
AZ got drunk several nights in a row... then he disappeared for several days in a row... then we couldn't pay rent two months in a row... then the people in charge said we had thirty days to vacate the premises. AZ said we would move again.. to Arizona (hence the name) where his brother could get him a job paying a helluva lot more then what he could make in Texas. Just had to dump me off near San Antonio while he went up there and got us a place. Sure, I said. I'll go live with my mother and her boyfriend who hates me. I'll go be seven months pregnant alone. Sure. And I did.
The majority of my third trimester was spent with my mother hiding me from the world and waiting for me to leave. In her defense, she wanted me to stay but could do nothing to help me. So off I went on a bus to Phoenix. Eight and a half months pregnant and on the Greyhound bus to my future. To the man who knocked me up and claimed to love me. To the man who had blown every cent he had made in the almost two months he had been in Phoenix on drugs of the powdered variety.
We lived with his brother and sister in law and two kids for a month and a half. I gave birth to Amanda at a hospital ten miles from their home with no one there but AZ. I won't bore you with the details of my labor except for to say that it was several days long and the very definition of how to scare your kids away from sex. But then, there she was. This tiny little baby. Do you know I had never seen a baby before? I mean, I thought I had but now I realize that all of those babies were well over a year old. And there I sat on a hospital bed holding my daughter. This tiny creature is trying so hard to open her eyes and see her world for the first time. The world that I have given her. You hear people say it all of the time and doubt the validity of their statement, but my entire world changed then. I changed. I stopped being sixteen and became Amanda's Mom. Whatever I thought I felt for AZ was suddenly muted by a love for my daughter that was far more resounding. She was it for me and I had to make things better. But how?
I thought that he had to have been feeling what I was feeling. He had to be going through this emotional change and trying to rearrange his ideas as well. I thought he was going to want to be the best just as I wanted to. I thought wrong. He loved Amanda, I know that he did. Just as I know he loved me. But, for all of the love he had, he couldn't kick that powder habit. Nor could he overcome the guilt he was feeling for his best friend's death. (Having recently lost Veronique, I am now more able to understand that.)
AZ dreamed big, he wanted big, but he couldn't seem to get big. The fact that he was still little was causing him to doubt all that he was and all that he could be.
AZ drank, a lot. Then he combated it by snorting, a lot. Eventually the powder he so loved became something he smoked, a lot. Thus forming the crack habit he still has to this day. We stayed in Phoenix until we couldn't make the bills and he had burned all of his bridges. Then we jumped on another bus and came back to Texas. We went back to the coast and got ourselves another trailer. AZ got a job at a local restaurant and before I knew it, he was disappearing again. Once he was gone for so long that I filed a missing person's report on him. As it turned out he had landed himself in jail the next town over.
AZ could lie and that is exactly what he did to me for the next few years. It started there, on the coast. Lies about everything. Why he was late, why he had disappeared, why we were broke. I believed him, or wanted to. I was ready to leave. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I wasn't happy. My daughter was eight months old and I had nothing even remotely close to stability. But, even as the very thought of leaving was entering my mind, I was pregnant again! How fucking unfair that was! We had literally had sex like one time in MONTHS and that had only been because it was his birthday! Of course I was pregnant. Of course I was trapped again. Of course he was promising me the moon. Of course we moved again.
Labels: History Lesson
History Lesson #1 (part four)
Back to Houston. Back to Granny... only this time, it wasn't just Granny. It was Granny and her son, otherwise known as AZ's dad. Ahhhh, the beloved father recently released from prison... to name his crime... er, crimes that is. Well, we can start with extensive child abuse to all three of his children. If they didn't behave like the perfect slaves [think: laying out daddy's clothes, running his baths, feeding him, all chores, etc] then he literally beat the holy fucking shit out of them. Had nearly killed AZ more than once including but not limited to spraying him with a can of hairspray he had lit on fire and burning all of the skin from his legs. Then there was that nice little bit about having sexually molested his own daughter.
You can imagine my comfort level going into this house. We were there for about four months. AZ and daddy reconnected on many levels including their love of Metallica at all hours of the night in decibels close to that of jet engines, their love of drinking until they both passed out, their love of belittlement to both Granny and myself. I have no idea where I was mentally at this point in time to have stayed, but I did... until New Year's Eve of 1997.
I remember that day so clearly because everything changed for me. I had asked AZ for twenty dollars that afternoon for formula and diapers for Amanda. He gave it to me, his last twenty. Then he went into the other room with his father and disappeared for about eight hours. I was asleep with Amanda next to me when he came in and demanded the money back. I told him no and rolled back over. He again demanded, I again refused. He was incredibly intoxicated. He sat down on the bed and sat me up and made it very clear that he needed that money and now to which I made it very clear that his daughter needed it far more than he did.
The twenty was in my pocket, but he didn't know that. Physically, he could have taken it in five seconds but I wouldn't tell him where it was. When he hit me, I never even saw it coming. He hadn't ever hit me before. He hit me two or three times, by the second I had my arm up and was blocking his repeated punches. Then he stopped. He stood up in front of me and told me to stop crying. I kicked him in the balls harder than I have ever kicked anyone in my life--twice. He fell to the floor. I got up and started to push him out of the room while he was lying on the floor. I kept thinking that if I could just get him out, I could lock the door and I would be safe. But, at the last second, as I was closing the door, he regained his composure and was on my faster than I could comprehend. He threw me onto the bed, knelt on top of me and started to choke me.
I don't remember being scared of being choked, I just remembered that Amanda was under me and I was having to push my body up to keep from hurting her. I don't know how long this went on, but suddenly his grandmother appeared with a baseball bat and chased him from the house. His father slept through the entire thing. It was a little after midnight (Happy New Year) when I called my mom and asked her to fly me home. I talked to her for a very long time and before I hung up, he had come home... He was of course as apologetic as he could be, but I didn't care. Fuck him, he had hurt me. I was leaving, I told him as much. He slapped me, slapped me so hard you could see every single one of his fingers bruised into my skin. I was on a plane at 7:30 the next morning.
I would love, right now, to tell you that was the last time I saw him. I would love to tell you that I wasn't stupid enough to take him back again. I can't though, because I did take him back. As your typical statistic setter would, I took him back less than a month later. Emilee was born three months later and he swore she wasn't his. Whatever. I had no hope by then. My life was shit, it would always be shit. He was shit and I was a fucking idiot for allowing myself to love this man. When he said we should move back to Phoenix, I went because I didn't care where we lived. When he started doing drugs again, I didn't care because I was merely existing. When he hit me again, I wasn't surprised. When he burned all of his bridges again, I packed all of our things and we came to live with my mother. To be honest with you, readers, I don't think I had it in me to leave him. I don't think I could have. I had become so dependent on him that if the cards hadn't fell the way that they did, I would probably have spent many more years with him in that hell.
But, the cards fell. He made the idiotic mistake of taking a car for a test drive and not returning it. He had to leave town to avoid being arrested and for the first time, I was alone. For the first time I was faced with the reality of supporting both of my daughters with out help. Oh god, I was scared. Scared beyond belief. But, I did it. I got three jobs. I got some self esteem. I got my fucking shit together and realized that not only could I raise my kids, but I could do it better with out him. However, I was still living with my alcoholic mother and I had to find a way out... That's for lesson #2 though...
Labels: History Lesson
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Something new, like an online group...
Well if I had a theme song yesterday, it would have been something like I feel pretty. I was complimented repeatedly yesterday and asked several times if I had 'a hot date', lol. Who knew pink did that for me?Well, if I had a theme song today it would be... shit. I don't know what it would be! Suggestions? I'll tell you what I did and you can tell me the theme song :) I am the new (proud) Organizer for the Single Parents Meet Up Group of San Antonio! How about that?? Shocking, I know. But, I am seriously jazzed about it. I have been wanting to get involved with something like this for awhile and it kind of fell into my lap, so here I am. I think I could be great at something like this and I am looking forward to recruiting more members and getting to know the almost fifty members I already have!I posted my introductory message today on the message board as well as a Roll Call thread so I can start to get to know everyone. Ok, my boss is literally pulling up right now and I have an insane amount of work to do :) I will post more later!~Katejazzed
Monday, March 14, 2005
Want your mind blown?
Well then, may I recommend this movie? I have to admit that I haven’t seen the entire flick, only the first half. But I was thoroughly intrigued. The ideas are complex to say the least and they definitely get your brain wheels spinning. Go watch it and then come back and tell me what you think. I plan to elaborate more on it as the thoughts attack my brain :)~Kate
Monday, Monday, Monday...
Ahh, Monday again... Feels like this happens about once a week... You know how I feel? Pathetic. What the fuck is wrong with me? I actually sat in my car for ten minutes waiting for Mr. I to get here so that I would 'accidentally' run into him. Just wanted him to see me all prettied up in my new skirt. Maybe that was the problem the entire time, me trying to hard. I do that sometimes.
From my comments: Maybe you still have feelings because you never fully landed Mr. I. He wasn't all yours, so to speak. Just a thought to ponder. --Posted by The Girl
A very similar thought was pondered by Tempest who swears that if he would just give in that I would be tired of him with in weeks and ready for the next guy. She says it's just the chase I am after. I have never not gotten a guy I wanted before... Ever. So, he's the first and maybe I just can't accept defeat. Well, off to work. If anything cool happens, ya'll will be the first to know.
Labels: Being a Chic, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Sunday, March 13, 2005
A new character in 'The Book of Kate'
Well, today I went shopping for -GASP- clothes! My entourage included myself, Jiffinner, Ruthie, and a guy I am going to call Billabong. Billabong helped us out in my search for suitable duds for the trip to Dallas in a few weeks. I must say that his ability to spot an ugly skirt twenty feet away is a notable attribute. And he saved me from several questionable clothing decisions by simply saying "Oh! Don't touch that. It will make you ugly." Several hours of perusing, some Starbucks amped out goodness, and a couple hundred bucks later it seems I am all stocked up on cuteness and ready to be viewed by the world. The clothes are things that my dear Veronique would have been proud of as she often tried to get me all decked out in clothing that was less earth toned and more colorful. She would have been thrilled to see color choices such as lime, peach, and turquoise. In fact, the first skirt (I liked) I picked up and showed to Ruthie who said, "you know she would have loved that". And she was right, Veronique had a thing for green. I got a cute shirt for St. Patrick's day as well. It has a four leaf clover on the front and says "Everyone loves an Irish girl"... Of course, now that I have all of these clothes... it may be time for some shoes :)~Kate
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Can you hear me???
Kate here, trying to post... to her blog... Fading out....Blogger seems to be experiencing some technical difficulties at this time. Please excuse any double posts or screwy entries. Any and all complaint letters should be directed to Blogger :)~Katesigning off until normalcy is restored
Conversation with Eek...
I'm sure not many of you noticed the comment left by Eek under the post about the decisions I had made. However, I did and sent him an email today about it. The comment was:I'm with the horoscope on this one. The "I can't get together with him because he's too much of a friend" is in my opinion chicken and NASTY. It is a receipe for causing pain - you'll be subconsciously sending positive signals no matter what you do, which is likely to make him fall in love, and then you're going to spurn him for another and either keep him in pain or break the friendship ANYWAY.Bad behaviour. Nasty Kate.--Posted by Eek to Lots of craziness at 3/12/2005 08:50:24 AM
Well, I was surprised that he thought so seeing as most of you [friends and readers alike] have quite the opposite opinion in regards to Mr. I. So I wrote to Eek and asked him about his comment. I also told him about the type of relationship that Mr. I and I have by linking him to the post I wrote about him.His response?"Drop the friendship. Seriously. You need to drop the friendship at least long enough to get your feelings under control. Redirect your attention elsewhere... Hard, brutal advice: Break, break, break. :-( Not for his feelings - he's in a situation where he almost certainly will be OK - but for yours."This is advice I can literally give myself and yet I am in capable of taking it. Of course, I never in a million fucking years would have thought I'd still be pining over him nine months later. Nine... Not like me... I don't normally have a crush that lasts more than a few weeks, a month tops. Normally once I land the guy, I lose interest or something about them starts to drive me CRAZY...Don't believe it? Call Tempest, she can certainly assure you that I am a chaser. I like the thrill of catching the guy, all of the glances and the games and wondering if he likes me... The chemistry you have in the initial stages of that chase where you can practically feel the electricity between the two of you, the butterflies and the anticipation. Then once the initial stages have past, sometimes the very next day, I am done. My realization that I am no longer into them usually happens about two nano-seconds after they tell me that they have feelings for me.
So maybe Mr. I is my karmic pittance for the guys I have left high and dry after they tell me that they love me/ have feelings for me/ want to move in together... In my defense, I never meant to hurt anyone. I really never know that I am going to lose interest until it happens, I am just as surprised as they are because I truly dig them right up until I don't. I feel bad for hurting any feelings but ultimately figure that if I lose interest then it's probably better that it happens sooner rather than later.
Am I picky? If you had asked me two years ago, I would have said no. That I was basically looking for someone who would love me and my girls. However, that is a very broad statement and it isn't true. The fact of the matter is that I am just as happy being single as I imagine I would be in a good relationship. I am not in any huge hurry to settle down because whomever I end up settling down with... well, it has to be virtually perfect.I love Mr. I. I know that is probably not the best thing for me given the situation but I can't help it. Nor can I end my friendship with him. So, I am at an impasse. I can either leave the friendship altogether or continue the friendship and check my feelings at the door. When given the choice, I choose the latter. I would rather still have him in my life in a 'friends only' kind of way than not at all. Does it change the fact that I feel the way I do? Nope. I still think about him a hundred times a day. I still smile when he calls and I still feel this unbelievable love for him. I just can't do anything about it. The World's way of teaching me restraint? lol Anyway, I wanted to thank Eek for his advice and the time and effort he put into reading my e-mails and posts regarding this subject. By the way, ya'll go check out his site 'They'll all fall'...~Kate
Arg! 'Tis Saturday mates and time to walk the plank. My daughters are pirates today and have just concluded their 'play'. Amanda's crew-mates on her bed... um, I mean ship were Rainbow Brite and Stitch.. Emilee's were SpongeBob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer. Sadly Rainbow Brite's tolerance for sea adventuring is minimal as she was sick the majority of the play. Amanda blames her loss in the sword fight on the eye patch :) Nonetheless it was an entertaining show. When Amanda's sword (cardboard tube) became flimsy and stopped working as a pretend sword should, she and Emilee collapsed on the floor and giggles and the play ended. When I got up to go into the other room, both of my daughter wanted fifty cents. Apparently I was supposed to pay to see their show! lol~Kate
Friday, March 11, 2005
It's poker night...No, no, not poke her night, put your pants back on...lolAnyway, going out with same bowling group for a night of cards and drinking. I am trying to convince everyone that it would be more fun if we all bet some money... not many takers. Anyway, wish me luck! I am hoping to beat the pants off... er, win some cards I mean.:P~Kate
I'm a dumbass...
Hello readers :)
Aren't ya glad it's Friday?
So, wanna know why your favorite blogger is a fucking idiot? Well, sit back.. grab a snack and some coffee and get ready to feel that embarrassed feeling that you feel at kareoke night when your friend makes a complete ass out of her [him] self.
So last night, I am laying in bed... sleeping like.. well, like me. Anyway, my cell phone apparently rang. I have no actual memory of answering it. By the time my semi-conscious self caught up with my already functioning (on it's own) brain, I was mid-conversation and wondering what the hell was going on. I heard myself apologizing to Mr. I for not returning his call. I then heard myself turn into a chic and proceed to do typical chic things. This I started by whining. Let me clarify for you that I do not normally whine. I may share what has been going on in my life, but whine? I don't fucking think so. Apparently, whining is my thing when I am half awake and my subconscious has taken over the control of my brain.
So, first humiliating thing? I whine. Second? I look for positive reassurance... That's right folks, I went fishing. I went fishing for compliments and set him up to where he had no other choice but to say nice things about me. AGAIN, let me clarify, I generally do not need positive reassurance, I am supposed to be secure in myself. At least I was the last time I checked. I said things I can't even repeat here because I am ashamed of them. I am NOT one of those Do you think I am pretty? Do you think I look fat? Do you think I am smart? Why doesn't anyone love me? chics. I. Am. Not.
Then I let him. I let him sit there and make me feel better. Bare in mind that I didn't even realize I felt bad to begin with. I was fine yesterday. But then give my subconscious twenty fucking minutes of playtime and I am little-miss-needs-a-therapist. God knows how he sat there and let me be pathetic for so long. His eyes were probably stuck in the top of his head from the amount of eye-rolling that went on.
And the most fucked up thing about all of this? It never even occurred to me that it was wrong until this morning. You know that feeling? When you wake up and your first thought is oh no. Your head pops up off of your pillow and you realize that you did something stupid. Usually this type of thing happens after you have been out drinking. I am cool enough to pull it off sans alcohol.
So what did I do? I called him and apologized. Not in an overbearing way, but in a hey I am sorry I whined all over you last night way. To which of course, he had to say 'no problem, it's ok'...
Remind me to turn my ringer off before going to bed from now on.
Labels: Being a Chic, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Kate looks good in a skirt…
So I am lying in bed last night and I was thinking about what I was going to wear today and decided to wear a skirt. Why? I didn’t feel like ironing slacks. Yeah, I am lazy, sue me. So, Veronique had left me this very pretty red skirt that she bought in Belgium and I thought that would be nice. So, it was decided and I was then able to go to sleep and dream about Matthew McConaughey doing new and interesting things to my body. This morning, I try and separate myself from my sheets and then eventually get dressed and off to work where no less than six people have told me I look awesome. Three of them asked me what the occasion was or who the guy was (if only, lol)… Maybe I should buy some more skirts :P
~Kateback to the grinding stone
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
things I have decided...
I decided this morning that the ladies that work at my daycare are the next best thing to a [good] husband. They are caring and thoughtful and they take good care of my kids. When I look nice, they tell me. Every morning when I drop my daughter off they tell me to "have a nice day"... They smile at me when I pick my kids up and tell me how my daughter's day was. They help with home work and provide meals. A few months ago, the lady that had been Triniti's teacher last year pulled me aside and asked me what was going on with me... I had no idea what the hell she was talking about... She said that I was losing weight, smiling a lot, and that I had looked really nice for a few weeks now. Basically she came straight out and asked "who is he?" lol. And she was right because I was head over heels for Mr. I at the time and hadn't even realized the change on my end.
I decided yesterday that I will never be a gymnast and that I have the utmost respect for anyone who is! I am watching my daughters do amazing things yesterday. Amanda has been taking gymnastics for about a month now and Emilee started yesterday. My daughters can do backbends and flippy things on the parallel bars. It is truly amazing to watch them. I can see their coach helping them and he is an awesome teacher. It's the learning to ride a bike process. He pushes them and then slowly lets go as they are getting it. Amanda is getting really good at vaulting too. I realized that this will also be an awesome thing for their bodies. Amanda has the teeny tiniest amount of baby fat on her, which is average for her age, but I can see this slimming them both down. I would equate gymnastics for kids to pilates for adults in that it does similar slimming things to your body. I need to take some pics and post them.
I decided last night that I am not going to let Mr. I know that I still have feelings for him. I have to admit that I still felt like he and I were playing the game and maybe we are, but I enjoy his friendship too much so I have to stop. As much I would love for him to come up and tell me he loves me, I have to leave that part of 'us' behind and move on. If I want us to have a comfortable friendship and if I ever intend to find someone else, I have to leave our past in the past. I think I am ready to do that.
[note: some three hours after posting this, I check my email and read my horoscope...
Be more aggressive when it comes to your intentions regarding a romantic situation, Kate. It would be a great idea to impress your lover with a delicious home-cooked meal on a night like this. Put a bit more spark into the equation and relight the candle that might have recently gone out. Don't hesitate to be the instigator in love.
Funny because that is what Tempest said as well. She and I were talking about Mr. I a week or so ago and she gave me that "if you want him, go fucking get him already" speech...]
Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
my wrinkled shirt and Bruce
Ok, you seriously have to work to look nice. I'll be damned if I didn't spend fifteen minutes ironing and starching this shirt last night and if I don't sit up straight all damn day then I am a wrinkly mess. This is why your mom bitches at you about your posture your entire life. It isn't health related or more graceful. It is simply to keep your damn shirts from wrinkling. Doesn't some company make wrinkle free shirts yet?I will be painting my toenails on company time today... Is that wrong? lol You see, when I got up this morning I did not have one pair of black socks left so I either had to wear socks that didn't match my clothes or wear sandals. Seeing as I have some pretty bitchin' heeled sandals, I opted for those. However, I realized that my toenail polish was chipped and looked like crap. So, picture this: ten minutes before your darling Kate is supposed to be leaving for work she is furiously scrubbing toenail polish off of her toes. Not having time to repaint and then wait for them to dry though, she had to stick a bottle of pink polish in her pocket and high tail it out the door.I just looked over at the huge glass vase that sits on my desk and realized that I haven't ever mentioned Bruce here. For those of you who didn't stop reading at the toenail polish bit, let me introduce you to my lovely little fishy friend, Bruce. I don't actually have any pictures of Bruce. Seeing as how my co-workers think I am nutty for talking to him, I think taking his picture might get me committed, lol. But, he is a Beta. He is a very dark maroon color with tangled fins. He looks old and I have to admit that I often wonder how much longer he will be keeping me company. I know you are just sitting in front of your PC wondering out loud to yourself Where did Bruce come from? so let me tell you... I stole Bruce from the rental department. His previous owner used to bring him over to our building to clean his vase (since our building is the only one still on undrinkable well water) and finally we decided that he should live over here. I swear when I get here in the mornings he swims around like crazy, like he is saying hi or feed me or something like that... I think if fish are happy then Bruce is one happy fish and it makes me happy having him here on my desk. I'm sure there is some feng shui thing going on there.All right, readers, it is Tuesday. Do you know where your mind is? :) Have a great day!~Kate
Monday, March 07, 2005
yeah, what they say
Eysenck's Test Results
|Extraversion (76%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.|
Neuroticism (36%) moderately low which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Psychoticism (38%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).
And yet... single. Maybe I should give this guy 'Eysenck' a ring...
Okay, did you see it? The movie Monster? Let me link it here. Let me just say... yuck. Showtime was having a free movie weekend deal running and when I found out, I got on and set my DVR to record some really good movies like How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days and The Italian Job. I had heard that Charlize Theron had won some serious awards for that movie too so I set my DVR to record it as well. It was horrible. Not horrible because it wasn't written well or acted out right but the story itself was gross and unsettling and sickening. I had a similar feeling after having looked at all of the pictures on Snopes. I had disturbing dreams and felt dirty after having watched it. I won't be watching it again, that's for sure.
It's Monday readers and it certainly feels like Monday. My daughters are sick and I am probably going to have to take tomorrow off to take them to the doctor's. I am ready for a break and it's the beginning of the week! Anyway, I have a ton of work to do... I'll try and post something more interesting later!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Basketball games and pony tails...
Hello everyone. Well, it’s Saturday and I am sitting at my desk cursing the little slide out thingy that is supposed to hold my keyboard because it is broken and I am having to type too high for my comfort level. But, even if my comfort levels were acceptable, my lovely daughter, Amanda, would be screwing them up as she is doing new and inventive things to my hair. “Sorry Mom, if I hurt you.” This is her response after my third ‘oooowwwww’. What the hell do you mean ‘if’??? I believe I now have four different pony tails in my hair and I am almost positive that I will have to cut the hair ties out in about thirty minutes when she gets tired of being my stylist. Oh well.
We have just gotten home a few minutes ago from Emilee’s last basketball game of the season. She played very well considering that she is under the weather. Two other teammates didn’t show up. I am going to assume that they were sick as well. Hmmm, kind of makes you wonder what kind of abusive parent I am by taking her. LOL, she begged me to take her (I swear) and since she has been running around all day seemingly feeling fine, I said ok. Anyway, there were only six kids on her team there so Emilee was on the bench for the first few minutes of the game until one of the other players fell down. Then she played the rest of the first period and all of the second period. At half time I called her over as I had been watching her and she looked like she was struggling. She said she didn’t feel good and I asked the coach to bench her for the third period and then see if she felt good enough to play the fourth. My little blonde bombshell is a trooper! She asked to play the fourth and then attempted three shots in the fourth alone! She hasn’t tried to make but maybe one or two all season. It was awesome. Ok, so you did pick up on all that lingo right? Things like ‘first period’ and ‘half time’ and ‘benched’… Yeah baby, she can be taught. And everyone thought I would need the Basketball For Dummies book! Who would have thought that I was a complete basketball virgin less than three months ago! I have to admit that I still have no interest in watching basketball on TV even though I would finally know what the hell was going on. However, I think that as far as sports that my kids play, basketball is by far the most fun to watch.
Ok, my hair appointment has commenced. I have four random, braided pony tails in my hair and my daughter wants to take a picture of them. I am almost certain that it is some evil conspiracy to black mail me later when I tell her she can’t date the guy with the tattoo.
off to be photographed… yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh :P
Friday, March 04, 2005
Howdy folks :)
I am not exactly in tip-top shape by any means but I am feeling significantly better (Thanks CNFG!)... Entries have been scarce on this board and I apologize. But allow me to plug my dating blog for a sec as I have been writing there :) Ok, so get this. My sister was one of the people I went out with last week. She held her own. She wasn't whiny or bitchy or boring. Everyone who met her enjoyed her company and told me so in the following days. So, sister text messages me this morning and suggests that the two of us should 'go out and do something' tonight! hmmmmm... She has never shown an interest in hanging out with me before. She said we should do something like when we went bowling last week, only not bowling. lol. Anyway, as much as I think it is cool that she wants to pal around with her big sister, I had to decline. I am still a little under the weather and two of my three heathens stayed home today so their grandmother is probably not going to be all about watching them tonight as well. However, I did tell sister that we could try for next week. Maybe drum up another outing with all that were involved the last time.In the meantime I am looking forward to a weekend of R&R... I'll try and get something more in here today or tomorrow :)Have a great weekend readers!~Kate
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Yup, that's me. I feel like my head is stuffed with cotton balls and my nose is stuffed with concrete at the almost-set stage. Have I mentioned lately how much I love NyQuil? The stuff is awesome. I took some with my dinner last night and was conked out on the sofa by 7:00. After putting the girls to bed at 8:00, I hit the sheets. Amanda and Emilee don't feel well either and Amanda was in bed with me this morning and started talking at about 5:15, I politely told her to shut up because Mommy is still sleeping.I have a meeting in 15 minutes and I should be able to infect at least 15 people (if anyone will sit by me). Oh yeah, I don't have water again. My landlord informed me this morning that he is going to have to replumb my entire house. yay. Isn't this stuff that is supposed to happen on Mondays? lolTalk to ya'll later...~Kate