Friday, June 30, 2006
no control
The thing that always bothered me the most in my life was the lack of control.
Growing up, I lived in a household where my father would beat my mom up and I couldn't do anything about.
Because of that household, I was moved around a lot and I couldn't control that either.
When I was fourteen, the house in Hawaii burned down and we lost everything and then left the only place I had ever lived for more than two years.
In my relationship with AZ, I was pretty much subjecting myself to his whims and because of that, I moved more and never really settled anywhere.
It's always felt like I was just thrown out to see with no paddle or sails. Just me and the ocean and it's ever changing moods.
I hated that I wasn't making the calls in my life.
I hated that I was just along for every ride.
And once I realized that I could make all of those calls and that I was totally able to create the stability and security I was craving, I did.
And it has rocked.
I do, very much so, like having my little tidy world the way I want it.
But, now I've been exposed to a new type of waves.
And these are waves I can't control: the people around me.
My family, my friends, my co-workers.
People I have attachments to, that I care about.
I can do nothing about their decisions.
And today, that makes me sad.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:09 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm surrounded by smart-asses.
I went out last night with Boss and The Consultant for a few drinks and to officially get my ass schooled at the various ways you can play pool and all the "Rules" I will never abide by.
I'm sorry, I just don't call my shots.
Because most of the ones that go in are accidental.
And I still think if I get any ball in, be it mine or yours, it should count if it was a kick ass shot.
That's why.

So, while we were there, Emilee had called to ask if she could spend another night with her Little Friend and I asked her if she had talked to Little Friend's Mom yet... she says no and that she will call me back.
Well, during the course of the game I am playing, I frequently glanced over at my phone to see if Em had called since it was loud enough in the bar to drown out the sound of my ringer. But the little light wasn't flashing so I knew she hadn't.
But then I see The Consultant's phone is flashing.
The first time I saw it, I thought it might have been a reflection or something since it flashed green. My phone doesn't flash green. It's only lit up green when it's fully charged and still plugged in. So, I watch The Consultant's phone to see if it does it again and it doesn't until right when I turn my head to look back at the game. It flashes just in the corner of my eye. So, again, I stare at it to see if it does it again.
Mostly because I was afraid I'd had too much to drink.
Ahhhh, but then it did. Seems his phone flashes, very briefly, like every thirty seconds. Where as mine is a long flash like every five. So, I tell him his phone is flashing and he picks it up and flips it open and says, "It shouldn't be, I haven't missed any calls or anything..." Which of course makes me feel like an idiot because I swear I saw it flash no less than three times.
All of which I tell The Consultant.
His response?
"Oh, I must have put it on 'Drunk Mode'. It's just flashing to say Hey, Dude, I'm over here!!"
Apparently Cingular phones just flash.
For no reason.
I decided rather than have to stare at the phones any longer, I would just call Emilee back. Once I got her on the phone, I said "Hey, I thought you were going to call me back?"
Her response?
"Well, I didn't say when."
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:59 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Wednesday, June 28, 2006
best date line ever
So, I was talking to The Bachelor and the topic of first dates came up...

"It's not that I mind dating, it's just that first date, you know?"

"Why does the first date freak you out so much?"

"Just trying to find stuff to talk about and filling in those silences... pretending it isn't weird, you know?"

"Yeah... But you know what you say Kate?"


"You just look over at him and say, 'All of this awkwardness is making me horny.'"

See why we love him?
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 10:24 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Tuesday, June 27, 2006
old emails
Your chuckle for the day.


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder


1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me..
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

























John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won theprize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome to join us."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "CanI take a look?
I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait
a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want me to do?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here....."

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:31 AM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

Monday, June 26, 2006
You were my fifty thousandth hit:


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 10:47 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

good morning and all that jazz
Well today will be the day that I hit fifty thousand hits... So, scroll down and check the sidebar out to see if you are my fifty thousandth hit.
There won't be like a prize or anything...
Oh, quit yer bitchin'...
So, this weekend was crazy fast for me. I had to work on Saturday and then came home and took a nice two hour nap. Who says you can't make-up sleep?
Afterwards, I took Amanda, Emilee and The Cake Lady's two older kids to the rodeo (pics are, of course, on flickr). It was a s-l-o-w rodeo as there was a much bigger one in a neighboring town. Only like three or four bull riders but I was cracking up when they had some guy from New York out there riding for the first time.
He ate it two seconds out of the shoot.
Amanda saw her first ever crush there. Now the mere mention of this kid's name two years ago made Amanda's face turn bright red. That has mellowed into a nice "girliness" consisting of giggling and teasing.
The boy is a cute kid and I swear must have some serious American Indian in him. And he was the first steer rider of the night. He didn't win but he stayed on a helluva lot longer than he did a few years ago.
Sunday we made a trip to Sam's Club and to Wal-Mart with Fairy who I think now hates me. We are cruising through Sam's Club and she keeps saying, over and over, "I can't believe you never brought me here before..." as she added more things to her cart.
But, we love her, just as we love any one with whom we shop who buys more stuff and therefore spends more money. There is just something nice about dropping a hundred bucks and have the guilt be quashed when your shopping buddy drops twice that.

I have been getting quite a few emails over the last few days since this post with some very interesting guesses :)
Keep 'em coming!

Last thing to mention... On AMC they are showing a two part movie thing called Broken Trail. The first part came on last night at 7:00CST and was pretty fucking good... They will be playing the first part again tonight followed by the second part.
Watch it, it is good.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:56 AM
| link to this post | 2 spoke |

Friday, June 23, 2006
guessing game
Ok, so I am having this weird guilt..
Because I am keeping something from you, dear reader.
I feel like I am cheating on you... or at least I feel like I would assume one would feel if they were cheating on their partner. I have never cheated on anyone, so I don't know for sure.
Don't worry, I will tell you everything... probably during the second week of July... But in the meantime, to help ease this strange guilt I am feeling, I want to turn it into a game.
I took something I am feeling shitty about not telling my loyal readers and made it fun! Just another wonderful thing brought to you by LOC.

Here are you clues...
1. I am making a major change in my life.
2. It's taking place 10 days from now.
3. It was a spontaneous decision made less than 48 hours ago.
4. It is a good decision.
5. I have never mentioned anything about it here.
(See how this gets easier??)

Ok, I think those are enough clues.
Now, I am turning commenting off on this one because I want ya'll to email me your answers at because I intend to make the answers into a post of their own in ten days time.

For the last several years I have been the Capitano of the Think Things Through Thoroughly club (aka: TX4, lol) and honestly this decision was made in less than a day. So, this is very out of character for me.
Good luck!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 10:07 AM
| link to this post |

Thursday, June 22, 2006
Forgotten childhood pastimes
Do you remember heading out at eight in the morning on your bike and staying gone until suppertime? Or playing hop-scotch or jacks in the driveway?
When I was little and all of those 'new-fangled' devices started coming out, like the Nintendo or cartoons *gasp* all day on nickelodeon, my mother was the kind of mom who booted you out once you'd had breakfast and made you PB&J to eat outside at lunch. She didn't want to see you again until the sun was setting. And if she did see you, you'd best be ready for some housework because she was going to put you to work cleaning something. So mostly, it was easier to stay outside.
Remember croquet?
Or badminton?
Or just riding your bike for hours with your friends?
We used to rollerblade. We'd leave with our rollerblades and head up to the place where all of the kids would be meeting. There was always that place.
And on days when I just didn't feel like taking off and playing with all the other kids, I would sit in my yard and build little "fairy houses" out of rocks and sticks and such... because I had read this book where this little girl had built tiny houses in her yard and all the fairies would come...
Yeah, I had an overactive imagination.
I'd spend hours sitting in my yard building little tiny homes for them and laying in the grass thinking about how cool it would be if they did come.
And if they had powers. Because when you are a kid, powers are the coolest thing ever.

So, now as a parent, one of the things that sucks for me is I've never had a house with the stereotypical "yard" or "driveway" so my kids don't really play outside much.
They've never learned to ride a bike or been kicked out for the entirety of a weekend to just be outside. They've never built fairy houses or played croquet.
But the worst part of it is that I don't think they care.
Bikes and badminton and croquet and fairy houses aren't what they used to be.
My kids have digital cameras and Ipods and Leapsters and cartoons available to them 24/7. My brother got them a trampoline and they still barely go outside.
A trampoline!
What I would have given for my very own trampoline when I was their age.
Things have changed.
Hopscotch and kickball have been replaced with and Playstation. Kids would rather sit on their PC and play video games online with kids they've never met than go for a bike ride with their next door neighbor.
Is this bad or is it just a sign of the changing times.
I mean, how the hell can you get all hot and bothered about a yo-yo when the latest Tekken has just come out? And you got the cheat codes off of
It makes me wonder what the next stimulant will be.
How is the next generation of kids going to keep themselves entertained?
Croquet and badminton and yo-yos... they're all things of the past. They are dust collectors in your garage. What happens when The Internet and Ipods and Xboxes join them?
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:05 AM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
fucking Jared Leto
Ok, it is no secret that most females have a mad lust crush on the adorable, once teen star of MTV's My So-Called Life, Jared Leto.


He's that special kind of good looking, the kind that you would learn another language for or become an actress just so you had a chance of making out with him in a movie. He can pull off the most adorable of grunge looks with the black eyeliner, black nail polish and long hair or shave it all off and be just as yummy looking clean cut.
And those eyes. Oh man, the boy has some eyes.
We get pissed off that he isn't cast as much as he should be because, well, he's hot.
So, when I was waiting for my food to finish cooking in the microwave yesterday, I picked up this week's copy of In Touch Weekly from a co-workers desk and started flipping through it. When I spotted an article on Jared, I stopped to read it.
Turns out that Jared had to pack on some weight for his latest movie role...


The article basically said:

Movie star JARED LETO carried around a fat photo of himself as murderer MARK
DAVID CHAPMAN to inspire him to stick to a rigorous diet. The LORD OF WAR star piled on 60 pounds (27 kilograms) to play JOHN LENNON's killer in new movie
CHAPTER 27, but lost his bulk in just a month thanks to a diet of honey, lemon
and cayenne pepper drinks. And whenever he needed a boost to remind himself why
losing the weight was so important, he simply looked at the paparazzi photo of
him filming in January (06) - when he weighed in at 204 pounds (92.5 kilograms),
according to America's In Touch magazine.
The magazine also said that he had accredited it to "fasting"...
"Fasting" people.
My long time crush on Jared Leto has just been shot to shit.
I cannot lust after a man who actually dropped sixty pounds in a month due to fasting and "honey, lemon and cayenne pepper drinks."


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:08 AM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Dear Goddess of Love Lessons,
While having a long chat last night with Lola, we decided that we've learned enough. We don't want to continue having to acquire more and more knowledge through heart break.
Yes, we understand that we wouldn't be who we are or know what we know if we hadn't experienced what we've experienced.
How many times have we said to one another that if we hadn't been with soandso and went through all of the things that we went through with him then we would have never learned about [insert god awful things that exs did here] and made even worse mistakes down the line?
After my fiasco with Medic, I was driving home and it occurred to me that if I hadn't been through everything with Mr.I, then I would have been far more susceptible to falling into something I didn't really want with that crazy stalker boy Medic. And for all the shit that happened with Mr.I, I was lucky that I connected with someone like that because if I hadn't then maybe I wouldn't have believed I could.
But, fuck already, I don't want any more of these.
What the hell use is all of this knowledge if I never actually get to test it out you know?
When do we get the guy that gets through all of our filters? Where is he at huh, Love Lesson Goddess?
I think I was inadvertently signed up for your twenty year course when in reality, I was just looking for a quick five to seven year stint.
The fact of the matter is that I don't think my heart can do too much more of this before it gives up on trying to feel any more. I am adventurous by nature. I like to take chances and believe and hope and try and see the best in another person but I can see that side of me, in regards to love, quieting down. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie about people like me than actually go out and be a person like me.
And I am blaming this on you.
And if you don't knock it off, I will have to start referring to you as The Goddess of Crushing Hearts and Destroying Belief That Love Exists.
Catchy huh?
I see people who have graduated from your grueling course (like The Cake Lady) or who managed to skip it all together (like Jiffinner and The Bear) and it gives me hope that eventually there is an end to all of this learning.
It's just that The End seems so very far away.
And you are really starting to overshadow The Goddess of Being Single and her powers to make me happy that I am hanging out solo. And what's even worse is that now The Goddess of Loves Past is starting to poke her stupid fucking head out and say Hey, Kate, remember that one time when you were so happy with...
I hate her. I would consider it a personal favor if you would impale her and then set her on fire since she is conspiring against me with The Dream Goddess.
You seem to get off on pain so you should enjoy that.
I'm pleading with you.
I don't want any more nights like last night. I don't want to sit there with his phone number inputted while I debate whether or not to hit 'talk'... I don't want to think about emailing him or wonder if that is his IP address on my statcounter.
I want him out of my head and out of my heart.
I get it already.
You managed to hammer this lesson into me.
I've learned the lesson of loving and not being loved in return.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:14 AM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

Monday, June 19, 2006
I love you, you're perfect, now change!


Ok, ya'll.
I need you to sit down.
Now whether you pop in before or after the change, it's ok.
Everything is oooook.
Things are going to look a little different up in here some time today and I just don't want anyone freaking out.
No jumpers, alright?

I just thought we could use a little... change of scenery here on LOC.
And Cat over at blog-togs was such a total and complete sweetheart, she put up with all my whiny bullshit and has created what will be the new look here.
She probably threw together a nice little redheaded voodoo doll while she was at it and is planning to start sticking pins into it first thing this evening.
Anyway, I love what she's done and I know that it is extremely different from what you are used to seeing but it is staying so you can just swallow any 'I hate change' comments you were planning on making alrighty?

So, like I said, things are going to look a little different around here.
No jumpers.
It will still be the same old endless stream of pointless rambling that you are used to reading.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog-hopping.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:56 AM
| link to this post | 9 spoke |

Sunday, June 18, 2006
To all those offended,
Hi good people of San Antonio, Texas.
This is an open letter of apology to any of you that may have come into contact with me and my brood this weekend while we were out wreaking havoc on your city.
If you were one of the many people in the parking lot of the movie theater, please except my apology for cutting you off to go down one of the aisles looking for a place to park or for stealing the spot you so obviously were waiting for.

The thing of it is, if you were in the car with my daughters who were very adamant that we go and see Cars at the 5:25pm showing and it was 5:35pm and we were still unable to find a fucking place to park, you wouldn't have minded.
I'm also sorry if you happened to be in line behind me at said theater and had to wait an addition five minutes while I tried to talk to the ticket dude through the stupid radio thingy.
"Hi, I was wondering, what is the difference between the regular showing of Cars and the digital showing?"
"chhhshh same chhhsssck better quality chhhhsch same price ckkkswks"
"Um, ok. Well can I have three kids and one adult for the 5:25pm digital showing of Cars?"
"schhhhhck old out chhhskw"
"Oh, ok, well how about the 6:oopm?"
"sccchhhhew sold schhhhwk minute ago"
"It's sold out too?"
*ticket dude nods*
"Well, shit, when's the next show?"
"shhhhwsk o'clock schhhwk"
after looking at the screen thingy behind ticket dude
"So, seven?"
"shhhhwks two adults schhhwks children? shhcwks"
"ONE adult, THREE children."

So, that left me with an hour and a half to kill in the outskirts of San Antonio.
The next round of apologies goes to the lovely employees and patrons of Cold Stone (ice cream joint).
To the lady in line in front of us tasting every fucking flavor of ice cream: I'm very sorry that my children cut in front of you in line demanding their own samples from the half a dozen college dudes working behind the counter.

They can't help it.
They are children and it is ice cream.
Rules and manners go out the window when those two things are combined.
To the employees of Cold Stone: I'm sorry my kids wanted to taste 8365421 flavors of ice cream and caused your line to pile up to like fifteen glaring people behind us.
To the couple that came out to the deck and sat beside us: It's sugar and they are kids, which is why they run around like little crack addicts who just got their fix.

Just be glad they weren't trying to pick things out of your hair.
To the couple sitting beside the bathroom inside Cold Stone: My daughter has an irrational fear of public restrooms. I'm sorry if we ruined your ice cream dining experience by walking back and forth by your table for ten minutes. She really needed to pee and I was just trying to convince her that the toilet wasn't going to gobble her bottom off is she sat on it.
To the good people shopping at Target: I assure you, we were not trying to race you or mow you down with our cart while you were enjoying browsing groceries on your Saturday night. It's just that we needed a pull-up and we needed it right. fucking. now.
To the lovely people attending the 7:00pm showing of Cars: Yes, we did sneak in our own chips and Lipton Green Teas so those crinkling bags? Those were ours. Lucky for you guys, we got there a little late on account of having to pit-stop at Target so we were forced to sit in that little section in the front of the theater, you know, where there are only two rows and thereby we were able to keep our disturbances down to a minimal. But those few of you who were sitting in the general vicinity of myself and my sugar laden daughters? I'm so very sorry. Primarily to the mother of four sitting in front of my four year old. When she kicked your chair violently and repeatedly, I wanted to throw myself at your very feet and beg your forgiveness. I promise to never, ever give her ice cream previous to a movie again.
And finally, to the people driving on Highway 16 around 9:00pm on Saturday night: If I cut you off in traffic or forgot to turn my brights off, I am so sorry. You see, I was just trying my very best to get back home as quickly as possible.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:23 PM
| link to this post | 9 spoke |

Thursday, June 15, 2006
swimsuit shopping: inner monologue
Oh. my. fucking. god.
What the hell was I thinking?
Forget a bathing suit, I'm wearing a parka.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:50 PM
| link to this post | 12 spoke |

funny shit
You know, sometimes I think this blog is just not interactive enough.
Granted we did play a few games that were fun in last year and a half, but then there are entire months where I just don't get you readers involved and that's just not fair.
So, today, we are bringing back The Movie Quotes.
Mostly because I watched
The 40 Year Old Virgin last night and it cracked my shit upTM.
Have you seen this movie?
Of course you have, everyone has seen this movie. Which is why I rented it. Because everyone told me to :)
I pretty much dug the whole movie, but the ending? Probably the last thirty minutes or so, I was rolling.

Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No.
Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?

David: Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal: No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.

Cal: Yes, you are, man... 'cause your depression is boring me for one thing... and it's actually making me a little depressed... which is then in turn making me more depressed... that you're actually affecting my mood.

Cal: Gandhi baked is good.
Paula: Yes, isn't it?
Cal: I always feel bad when I watch it baked... 'cause I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot... and poor Gandhi is... fucking starving his ass off.

Cal: She likes you, man.
David: Too bad I retired my penis.

Cal: She's a hot grandma... Fuck her and then have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Of course, I may never get "the age of Aquarius" out of my fucking head... but you know, I can accept that because this movie was hilarious.

So, your turn people. Funny movie quotes. Put 'em in the comment box. No excuses since The Blogger Gods have calmed down and you can actually comment again.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:52 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Wednesday, June 14, 2006
those sad words
Break up songs, we’ve all got them.
That song, that when you hear it, it makes you remember the end of that relationship.
That one person.

"So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Oh yeah, then you remember.
You remember how it felt when you were near them.

How it felt when it ended.
How they smelled.
Just from a few lyrics, a few words thrown together.

"You and I got something
But it's all then it's nothing to me
I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me
And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be"

You can be taken back to relationships you don’t even want anymore.
Back to places you willingly left behind.
And you want them again for a second.
You miss them again.
Even if only for the four minutes of the song.

"And I didn't think about
All the ways I hurt you and myself
And I wouldn't say a thing to you
I keep it to myself in my mind
I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers when you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answer when you're gone

It’s as bad as that dream.
The one where you wake up thinking everything is back in that place where it was all right.
You’re back to good.
And then, you remember that you aren’t.

And you’ll never be.
And you don’t even want to be.

And I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you’ll be strong
You’ll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no – oh no
No you won’t be mine

When you have your heart broken, you want, more than anything, for it to stop.
Please, just please stop hurting.
The pain of it is all so very real.
And then, as it does, the pain fades.
The song though, it can take you back to that pain for a minute or two.
For a memory or two.
And remind you of the good or the bad.

Don’t think that I can take another empty moment
Don’t think I can fake another hollow smile
It’s not enough just to be worry
Don’t think I could take another talk about it
Just like me you got needs
And they’re only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we’ve tendered away
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in

You listen. you remember...
And then you play it one more time.

There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough I’m sorry
If it's not enough
It’s not enough

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:58 AM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

LOC as a flower:
So, I've stumbled across a few sites out there in the blogosphere lately that have done this and it looks cool.
Websites as graphs.
That's what they call it.

Here's LOC

And here's my daughter Amanda's blog:

What do all the colors mean?
blue: for links (the A tag)
red: for tables (TABLE, TR and TD tags)
green: for the DIV tag
violet: for images (the IMG tag)
yellow: for forms (FORM, INPUT, TEXTAREA, SELECT and OPTION tags)
orange: for linebreaks and blockquotes (BR, P, and BLOCKQUOTE tags)
black: the HTML tag, the root node
all other tags

If you post yours, please leave a comment so I can come and see it!! :)
And here are all the flickrites photos.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:48 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Tuesday, June 13, 2006
random updates (the third)
Sometimes when I sit down to write one of these posts I think to myself How much crack are my readers smokin' anyway?
I mean, man I can be boring.
The only real conclusion I can come to is that I am your virtual car accident with a dash of occasional McConaughotty. Which, you know, I totally get because I would so go back to read a blog that posted pics of Matty too.
I am trying to search, despite the Blogger Flu that seems to be going around right now, to see how many times I have used "random updates" as a title.
Ahhhh, finally.
Three. This is the third time.
(First time here, second here.)
And do you know what? Every single time I've used it as a title, I've never capitalized 'random' and I am certain that one day The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy will just freak the fuck out and explode because of it.
Every time I use The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy it gets all pissed off at me for not capitalizing my titles. If I were in there, in The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy, if that was me reading your posts and insuring that everything was done correctly, I would so make your computer spontaneously combust for not capitalizing the stuff I fucking told you to capitalize.

Or I would just eat your post.
That's probably why Blogger has been on the fritz lately. The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy has just finally had enough of our shit. So, it took off and it wreaking havok on the entire Blogger program. You know, like in Matrix Three (which was Reloaded right?) when all The Programs just take off and start to do whatever they want to keep from being deleted? The Blogger Gods are probably ready to delete The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy.
I would.
I mean, fuck, you are The Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy.
And you tell me, every god damn time I check my spelling, that 'blog' and 'blogger' aren't words. You also tell me 'fuck' isn't a word. And I am fairly certain that it is. And there isn't an 'add' key. You know, like on Word. I want to add 'fuck' and 'blog' and my girls names so they will stop popping up as being spelled wrong.
Stupid fucking Little Blogger Spell Checker Thingy.
Maybe if you were to learn those words, I would capitalize my titles.

hehehe... So updates later then?

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:25 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Monday, June 12, 2006
Hot or Not: revisited
I live to serve, I serve to please, and if I can save a life all the better. Job: Massage Practitioner & Security Officer.
-Saving lives, one massage a time.

I'm the sexiest guy you'll ever meet. You know what to do, so do it...

-Well ok.

I am free. I am free to explore the world as I have nothing to lose but gain from experience. I am very open minded and easy going yet your toes will twinkle. Marina Del Rey.

-What can I say? He is free.

am35ys live in us of afrd tell me abt to hotornot and i also found out it will begood for me amlooking some one who can.i hv leavein gha about 2years now and steel in gh for a contract i won ihpe to hear fromthat lucy onesee u i really care abtwoman

-Have decoder ring? You are the girl for me!

i am searching my decent life partner, who love me

-He just wants someone to love him.

I'm Eric...doesn't matter how "hot" I get rated, because my life is already better than yours...GO TARHEELS!

-What the hell is a tarheel?

i am little submissive slave from germany....... and: i have a lot of fetishes too - my favorite one is: velvet - i like all things from velvet , especially velvet clothes on woman..... ...hope you dont think i am crazy too much......

-Oh no, we think you are crazy just the right amount!

i'm 6' 0" (1.82m).with blue eyes friends call me king dong for obvious reasons if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge.

-His “friends” call him that?

i'm clean/fit/fashionable/sweet/smart/considerate/polite, NOT because i'm gay, but because i'm ASIAN =P lol Just letting the current carry me downstream. Anyone interested can hop in and tag along for the ride...destination: uncertain

-‘Asian’, it’s the new ‘Gay’.

Hello my name is Nathan Faith and I like Chocolate bars. I am in the army and getting ready to deploy to iraq in march. I love to sew, bake cookies, and hold hands with girls. I love to make calcuations and buy stocks. I am a really nice guy.

-He likes chocolate and he sews. Who’s first ladies??

Hi,im matt from Ontario Canada and i think mullets are cool. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE 80's ROCK!!! I like cars large bon fires,hosting and going to partys. So ladies i know you're interested don't be shy there's plenty of me to go around. :P

-I don’t know about you but mullets make me hot.


-Ahhh, a philosopher…

I really don't like to be just small black signs into an empty white space, come discover me... No fakes, no silicone boobs, no coloured contact lenses, please, I'm looking for someone true...

-Who likes hallucinogens.

so, I currently live in a third world country, yay Army...


I don't want any gal that has too many demands. I want a woman that keeps things simple. Sex, sleep and no drama. If you are tired of mind games and are looking for a physical man, you are in luck! I look hairy but I "shave".

-He “shaves”…

I work as an IT consultant and enjoy lots of music, schportze and doing whatever I do. I enjoy sliding along on my knees and staying awake for months on end, but not at the same time. My cat has only one eye and can speak, which is awesome.

-I got nothing.

Hi, i'm Mike. I travel as much as i can, i've been to 24 states and 6 countries. I'm a security guard/barista/server combo. I'm a student. I'm an asshole if i don't know you. I'm a hopeless romantic at times. I'm like no one you know.

-Crazysilver, this one is for you, he likes baristas!

Some pretty boys:

The last time I did this, (part one)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:13 AM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Friday, June 09, 2006
Dear Dream Goddess,
I've just about had enough of your shit.
If you insist on making me have dreams about men, I have a few requests.
Firstly, do you think you could stop making me have dreams about my exes? I mean seriously, how many times do I need to wake up feeling like I need a shower because you and your twisted sense of humor thought it would be a lovely laugh to have me roll around in the hay with someone I don't even like any more! And equally awful are the dreams about the guys that I do still like but have removed themselves from my life. Do you get off on taunting me? Bitch.
Secondly, if you are going to send me dreams with this feeling that the dude in the dream is clearly my Soulmate, do you think... oh, I don't know, maybe he could ACTUALLY HAVE A FUCKING FACE? I mean, if you are going to put him there, at least let me fucking see him.
And lastly, would it kill you to send me at least ONE dream that involved Matthew McConaughey??
And nudity.

If you can't handle all of this, you know, really, you could just stop with the dreams all together.
I don't need them.
I don't get enough sleep as it is so the last thing I want is to wake up already tired because you are EXHAUSTING ME at night.
I mean, I can handle the here and there dream. Once a week or whatever, but I haven't had this many dreams since I was on melatonin. And the rape dream last week? Seriously?

Look, honey, I know you have a job to do or whatever and I get that. But you really need to start taking requests. Because, I am so all about having kick ass dreams but yours? Yeah, they are sucking right now.
So, take a couple of days off, rest, regroup.
And after you have mellowed out a little, maybe came off the rag, then try this whole dream thing again.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:51 AM
| link to this post | 11 spoke |

Thursday, June 08, 2006
Holy Matthew McConaughey Batman!
Ok, let's be honest here:

Really this blog is just a cover so that I can sporadically profess my love for Matthew (as Jiffinner put it yesterday) "McConauHOTTY!"
But it's that time again, he is single.
And despite what you may have read last year, I am not in the habit of breaking up relationships ( so I have been waiting, patiently, while he got tired of Penny and all her exoticness.
Those of you who are long time readers have had
the pleasure of reading about my obsession on several occasions (shit, I ran out of words to link... also here, here, here, here, oooooh and here, here, and here) and a few of you frequently email me articles or pictures or gossip about him. Three days ago I got four emails telling me that Matthew and Penelope had split. FOUR. And that was nothing compared to the onslaught of emails I got when he was named People's Sexiest Man Alive.

I do secretly hope that one day someone he knows will email him a link to my blog and he will then fall madly in love with my through my writing and come to San Antonio (which is really a short drive Matthew McConaughey!) and stalk me.
Oh to be stalked by Matthew McConaughey.

He would have to get used to me calling him that all the time. I don't think I could refer to him as a Matt or even a Matthew... nope, I would have to use his full name all the time.
'Hey, Matthew McConaughey, come back to bed.'
'Yeah, I am dating Matthew McConaughey.'
'Oh, Matthew McConaughey, of course I will marry you!'
'Matthew McConaughey, you have to remember to put the seat on the toilet down.'
Ok, that one is a little less likely. Because, seriously, if you had this in your bed when you came home, would you really care if the seat was down?

It is really the definition of torture knowing that he lives just like an hour and a half away. He's right there, in Austin. Combine that with the fact that one of the guys I work with knows him and refuses to hogtie him and bring him to my office so I can play with him and it's just. not. fair.

So, if you happen to be a friend of Matthew McConaughey's and you are reading this, email him this link and then give him a call and tell him that he is wasting his time with the Penelope's of the world when the chic he is meant to be with is right around the corner.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:41 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Wednesday, June 07, 2006
As I told The Bachelor on the phone a few minutes ago, "I am in a blech this week."
Not sure where the Little Funk Cloud came from but it is currently hovering over my head in all it's greyness.
To clarify, I am not depressed or anything, not even in a remotely bad mood... just... blech. Maybe it is the events of my trip to Dallas and all the emotional roller coaster riding that went on while I was there or maybe it is the combined 12+ hours spent in a car which left me waaaaaaay too much alone time with my brain or maybe it is the sudden change in my and my daughter's lives with Summer finally starting.
Not sure what it is but I am just very blech.
The last few months, hell the last year, I have been so very busy. With the girls sports schedules and school schedules mixed in with my ever growing work schedule and life schedule, I have barely had time to turn around twice.
And then, everything came to a screeching halt when softball was suspended for a two week break and gymnastics was also suspended for a two week break and school ended.
I actually sat still for several hours doing nothing while I was in Dallas. I just sat and watched my kids play in the pool or read or just. sat.
For hours.
Now I'm home and I have my house to myself (Ruthie stayed in Dallas) and my schedule is heading back towards normal with softball and gymnastics both starting back up this week and my (first in forever) four day weekend ending.
The schedule is similar but my pace is slowed.
We can sleep in thirty minutes longer in the morning and there is no homework or projects to be done. Instead of remembering to bring backpacks and lunch money, I just have to remember to drop off their bathing suits for "water play" days at daycare.
These are the lazy days of Summer.
Maybe blech just equals lazy for me.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:47 AM
| link to this post | 0 spoke |

Monday, June 05, 2006
El Road Trip: Recap
Well, we got home last night at about nine o'clock and poured into our house and collapsed.
What a trip.
My daughters have only ever been to Dallas three times in their short lives.
My cousin and I, both having been teen moms, had a long talk about this Saturday. The fact is, after you so phenomenally fuck up at the age of fifteen, you aren't likely to want to come and brag about it to all of those who know you best.
I told her that I couldn't bring my girls up there until I felt like I was doing good, until I was proud of where I was in life.
Amanda was three when that finally happened.

We arrived Thursday at 8:45pm. Which was exactly six hours and twenty five minutes after we had pulled out of my driveway in the pouring rain. After the initial hugs and the first of at least forty five million times that I heard "I can't believe how big they are!" we carried the luggage into our room (aka: The Rose Room).
The girls settled in to watch Chicken Little with Ruthie and my mother, my Aunt and I sat down at the kitchen table to have a Talk.
Now, last year, when I went to get Veronique's things from her apartment, my uncle came and picked Ruthie and I up and took us to lunch. Afterwards, he took us to see my grandmother in the Nursing Home. I hadn't seen my grandmother in a few years so the reality of how much her health had deteriorated hadn't really sank in yet and I had never set foot in a Nursing Home before. Mix that with the fact that I had just packed up everything my best friend owned and loaded it into a U-Haul to take to her parents and, well it was not a fun experience.
I remember walking into The Nursing Home and immediately hoping that my grandmother had somehow secured the "penthouse" or something because surely she didn't live like these other people.
And then we walked into her room and I was slapped, hard, with the reality that she did.
She was just as frail and her body was giving out just as theirs were.
This is especially difficult for me because my grandmother, up until a few years ago, was this fiery redhead who didn't take shit from anyone and who never actually had to knock the shit out of me because she had instilled such a fear and absolute respect in me that I wouldn't have crossed her. I even went so far as to lock myself in a bedroom once for three hours because I had somehow pissed her off and waiting for my mother to come home was less scary than opening that door to her. She was the one I always said "yes ma'am" to, even if it was only in response to "have you brushed your teeth baby?" And she was the first one to call me when I was in hiding at fifteen, thoroughly knocked up and ask me "are you pregnant baby?"
And now she was laying helpless in a bed.
All of her energy and spunk and tell it like it is was trapped in this frail body.
You see, she hasn't lost the ability to be herself, she is still in there. Her body just can't hold her up any more and her eyes can't see and that bright red hair has faded to gray.
When I saw her laying there last year it took all I had not to burst into tears. Instead, I held her hand and talked to her and told her how I was just as I would have if we had been on opposite side of a coffee table smoking cigarettes and bitching about the heat.
And when I left, I held my head up and keep my tears in.
Because she doesn't want my pity.
That was last year.
This year, it is worse.
She has been in and out of hospitals all year and she decided right before my arrival with the girls that she was done. So Thursday night as I sat down with two of my grandmother's three daughters, I heard The News. The News that everyone in my family would be hearing sometime over the weekend.
She is done.
She doesn't want to go to the hospital anymore, she doesn't want new drugs... She doesn't want to prolong her current life.
Your first instinct is to be pissed. You want to march in there and tell her no, damnit, you are not going to just give up. There's physical therapy and surgery for your eyes and drugs. There are ways to make you live longer.
But how do you walk into an eighty one year old woman's room in a Nursing Home and tell her, as you hold her bony hand, that she has to live for you. How do you do that?
She is eighty one. You can ignore the fact that she is more than three times your age and that she has lived through things you've never experienced, you can ignore the fact that she has raised four children and has eight grandchildren, fourteen great grandchildren and one great, great grandchild. What you cannot ignore is the fact that she is eighty one and has her wits about her and by golly, if she is done with this life and ready to leave it behind then that is exactly what she has the right to do.
But as I laid there Thursday night, I couldn't quite wrap my head around all of this.
It makes sense and yet no sense at all.
I told my girls that this would probably be the last time that they ever saw their great grandmother and we took all the appropriate pictures... but can you somehow come to grips with the fact that the woman who is laying on the sofa holding your hand and telling you the story of how her great grandfather moved here from Italy back before "the war" and changed his name from Rodgelio to just Rodge, is going to die in the next few months because while her mind is there, her body isn't cooperating.
So maybe I spent the weekend in denial... maybe I am still in denial, but I can't seem to face that fact. This woman has been the only grandparent I have ever had. Both my father's parents passed before I was born and my grandfather died when I was four.
And I love her.
Friday we went to see her in The Nursing Home and she shooed us out after an hour and said we "had better things to be doing" while we were there than "hanging out in this place."
Saturday all The Relatives flocked to my Aunt's house for the big birthday party. I have cousins who haven't been there in ten years that set the family feuds aside to come and pay their "respects" to my grandmother for possibly the last time.
It was this amazing mixture of wonderful reunions mixed with bittersweet goodbyes. I met children who have been born since my last trip and kissed their heads and cheeks and watched others do the same with my girls. I heard more than once about how I had "marked" the oldest and youngest of my daughters. I got caught up with lives and loves and jobs and families and friends, I heard about grades and sports and spare time, and I got picked up and swirled around by the particularly tall of my family members who I hadn't seen on the last visit and I shared tears with those of us who will not handle the passing of our main matriarch so well.
As Saturday evening came and The Relatives started to leave, the goodbyes were laced with the impending truth that they would all be seeing me again soon. Because while none of us said it outloud, we all know that in the coming months we will all be making the same trip to my Aunts house to say the final goodbye to my grandmother.
A few stragglers hung around after the main crowd had burned off.
It was then that Naki called me and said she was on her way.
In all the emotional wave riding I had been doing, it had somehow slipped my mind that she was even coming. She arrived about thirty minutes later and stayed for a few hours playing catchup with me on the porch. We drank margaritas and talked about life. And I invited her to come down to the coast with the girls and I on our HUGE beach trip coming up the last weekend of July which she said she'd really love to go on. So, my fingers are crossed that she will join us.
I have to admit I was a little nervous that our reunion might be awkward but it was everything but. She was so very cool and just hung out and shot the shit with us without seeming to feel like it was weird at all.
At about nine o'clock pm, I loaded the sister and the girls into the Focus and drove thirty minutes to my cousin's house so
our daughters could have a sleepover. I felt bad because I know that Ruthie and my cousin and my cousin's friend all kind of wanted to pull the whole older chic sleep over thing (which was tempting since Cousin has some cool shit to play with, like her own tanning bed!!) but I was pooped. I took Trin to the guestroom and passed smooth out.
We got up the next day and let the girls swim for awhile before heading back to my Aunt's for the final goodbyes before hitting the road.
We got home last night at almost nine and hit the hay after I set the pc up to upload the pics (which are here). I have many thoughts still bouncing around waiting to take form but for now, consider yourselves updated :)

It is good to be home.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 11:04 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!

12/14/84 - 1/26/05

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"



Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa



Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!

Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
katehopeeden's photos More of katehopeeden's photos

That cracked my shit up! TM

Kate went to Dallas?

You asked Kate questions?

Kate was stung by a Scorpion?

Kate met Mr. I?

Kate got pissed?

There was a mouse?

Kate shared?

Kate confessed?

Kate turned 25?

Kate shared some more?

"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal

"I LOVE inner monologues. They rock!"
-Hot Toddy


The Gym

Morning Monologue

RHBlogger 2nd runner

sizzling RH 05

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