Monday, April 17, 2006
screwing huge poles is actually not fun
As much as it pains me to say this, I am so not as cool as I wish I were.
Why? you ask...
Well, let me tell you...
Actually, the blame should fall on my brother, Noah, since he started all of this. Let's go back to Christmas... Now, Amanda wanted a couple of different and expensive things for Christmas. She wanted both an Ipod and a digital camera.
I decided to get the Ipod and not the camera.
I was wrong.
You see, she loved her Ipod, but she pretty much said afterwards that she would have preferred the camera instead.
My Mommy Meter missed that some how.
So, my little brother does what any sweet Uncle would do and buys her the camera. She had it the next week. Of course, this disrupts the balance of my household because now Amanda has gotten another present and a kick ass one at that and Emilee has gotten nothing.
Noah, having been around my girls from the beginning knew that this would happen and promised Emilee that he would get her something to make up for it later.
Later turned out to be Easter.
Now, some people thing I go overboard with Easter.
Apparently, the vast majority of you only do an egg hunt and that's it.
I, on the other hand, have always had kind of a mini-Christmas for Easter. Usually new Summer clothes and bathing suits and beach stuff. No huge gifts but a few small ones.
So, when Noah called and asked what he should get the girls for Easter, I told him whatever he wanted. He reminded me that he needed to get something big for Emo since he had gotten Amanda the camera and asked if I had any ideas.
I didn't.
So, he talks to Emilee on the phone for a little while. Once they were done and she handed me the phone back, Noah said he wanted to get the girls a trampoline.
Why not? They use them for gymnastics all the time so it isn't as though they don't know how to be safe on one. In fact, it will probably help them practice everything. And now they have those enclosures for them too. When I was a kid, they didn't have those. If you fucked up a flip or something, you woke up on the ground.
I told him he could get them one as long as he got the enclosure too.
He said fine.
So, he paypals me the money [did you see that? I just used 'paypal' as a verb.] last Wednesday and Jiffinner and I drove to San Antonio to pick one up, because Jiffinner has a truck. She was a little freaked out about driving standard in SA, but she got to jump a curb when the truck in front of us broke down so by the time we left she was all happy.
Friday night, she brings the two boxes over and we stash them on the side of the house.
Why? you ask... well because I had every intention of assembling the trampoline on Saturday night while the girls were asleep and surprising them with it first thing Easter morning.
Let me tell you how that went.
Saturday night, at ten o'clock, all three of my girls in bed, I pulled my car up to the yard and turned my headlights on. I then walked about fifty feet away to where the boxes were hidden and proceeded to drag the trampoline box across the yard. Do you have any idea how much that box weighs?
I believe it said on the side "a fucking lot."
But, there were those plastic strip thingys that go around the box to help you pick it up. So, I would grab the strip and then plant my feet and lean back. This caused the box to move about two feet. Then, I would scoot back and do it again.
I was about half way to where I wanted to assemble the trampoline when I planted my feet, leaned back and the damn strip broke causing me to fall flat on my ass.
I decided that the box was good there.
I could just unload everything and carry the pieces over to the patch of grass I had picked out. I found the instructions and started to lay the pieces out by size and shape.
Twenty minutes later, I was pretty sure I had the jest of it so I started to connect the legs. Now the legs come in three pieces. You have to put this slightly bent connecty piece between the two pieces that connect to the actual trampoline. The three pieces connect with a screw.
Now, this isn't real hard stuff people.
I had looked up the directions online the day before we bought it and the frame is the easier part. It's the pulling of the springs that was supposed to be hard.
I had read one woman's review that said
"I must warn anyone considering purchasing this trampoline that assembly is very time consuming and not very easy. The instruction book recommends having 3 people for the trampoline assembly. I would recommend having a "Trampoline raising!" In other words, enlist as many strong individuals as you can. Following the instructions is a real must for this project."
Well, that was a little daunting since it was most likely just going to be me out there, in the dark, putting together this monster trampoline. But, here's the thing about me, dear reader, in case you didn't know, I am extremely stubborn and incredibly self sufficient. If there is even the slightest chance I can do something by myself, I do. Remember the toilet incident?
So, I just ignored the lady from the review and decided I WOULD put that thing together on Saturday night.
So, back to Saturday.
It took me forty five minutes to get two legs put together.
Forty. Five. Minutes.
That's fucking insane.
Here I am, with something like four hundred huge poles in my yard and I am still trying to put the fifth of eight screws into them.
And I couldn't.
Those damn screw holes wouldn't line up right for anything and the fucking screws wouldn't go in unless they did.
And then, the worst happened.
While trying to put one of the screws in, I pushed too hard and the damn thing flipped out of the hole and flew through the air. I assume that it continued to fly until it landed somewhere in Georgia because, despite the flashlight I went and got from the car, I couldn't find the damn thing. I grabbed the little bag and counted the screws. There were five left. A little math on my hands (two screws per leg times four legs) and THANK YOU TRAMPOLINE PACKERS IN CHINA! Hot damn! Two extra screws. Well, one was lost, that's no big deal, still have one extra.
Time for a beer.
Got my beer, turned on radio in the car and back to work.
See, I can do this!
A few minutes later and I am repeating the search for a screw. Only this time, I am guessing Oklahoma. Well shit. That's both of my spare screws gone. Can't lose any more of them.
Another beer and I decide to try and connect all of the outer peices. At least if I can form the circle, I would have something accomplished.
After some minor confusion about which poles went where, I got them all in the right order. Everything was going smoothly until I get to the last two poles.
Wow, they seem awful far apart.
I puuuuulllllleeed them as close together and I could and then tried to connect them. I could get them to touch but I couldn't seem to get them to slide into one another. So, I get down on my knees and puuuuuuuuullllll and puuuuuuuusssshhhh.
I decided to give the screws another shot but for some fucked up reason, I couldn't get the damn screws into the third and fourth sets of legs. After a few minutes of trying and being VERY careful not to lose another screw, I went back to trying to connect the circle.
I couldn't do either.
When the thought of purposefully impaling myself on one of the poles occured to me, I took a break. Grabbed a beer and called Snakeman to say hi and distract myself from all thoughts suicidal.
About ten minutes later, headlights pulled into my driveway signaling that my sister was home from work.
Oh thank god. I would have help.
She went inside and changed and came back out where she and I puuuussshed and pulllled and puuushed and... fucking gave up.
It was almost 1am when I threw in the towel.
Fuck you trampoline.
I still had eggs to put candy in and hide and toys to unload and set up. And it's one in the morning?
Ruthie split to go see a friend and I turned on Without a Paddle and sat on the couch putting candy in eggs.
At 3am, I went to bed.
Despite all of my wishing, the Trampoline Fairies did not come and assemble the trampoline while I was sleeping or the next day when I was at The Cake Ladies house oggling her husbands cousin having a BBQ. Which I think is crap. The stupid Shoe Fairies came and put all the shoes together for that shoemaker in that one book.

Stupid trampoline.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:40 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
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