Tuesday, January 24, 2006
History Lesson #4 (Reconciliation)
Remember how you guys were emailing me after you read about The Man From My Dreams (Dreamboy)? And I told ya'll that you had read the best parts and it didn't end well?
Well, it didn't end well.
You see, when I started to see Dreamboy he made it expressly clear that he didn't picture himself getting into another relationship after the train wreck that he had just gotten out of. So, we were going to basically have a friend with benefits type of relationship. I was completely cool with that since I was still fairly fresh from my own break up and I wasn't looking to replay any of the previous two years.
But then, he changed his mind. Not long after we became intimate, he started talking about us moving in together. I was too damaged for that. I was too afraid to move in with someone new. I know that now, but when he asked me and felt the wave of panic wash over me, I had no idea why I was reacting that way. I thought it meant that I didn't care about him, I thought it was my mind's way of telling me that I was making a mistake in being with him.

You know when you read that romance book and you are screaming at the heroine that she is a moron for walking away from Mr. Perfect because she is scared? Yeah. I was the scared heroine. I really cared about Dreamboy and he was an awesome person, but he moved too fast for me and I was so broken that I ran away, scared.
And I didn't do it in the best of ways.
I didn't call and tell him that I wasn't ready or that he was moving to fast, I blew him off. It was such a horrible thing to do, such a shitty way to treat someone and he didn't deserve it. He was being honest and open and he was such a nice guy and I just blew him off.
I avoided most of his calls and became incredibly unavailable.
I started looking for a new job. Trin was a few months old and I needed to get back into the world of full time employment. And to show you what a doll Dreamboy was, when ever I had an interview, he would come by and leave me flowers and wish me luck.
At the same time, NY had admitted that he was not over me. He said that he knew he had fucked up and that he didn't know why so he had went to a shrink and they told him he was bi-polar and manic depressive.

They put him on meds and he was in counseling.
And he wanted me back. Or so he said...
I am just hurt that another man may have your heart when I am seeking the help that I needed for so long, yet you don't want to see it. Kate, I love you dearly and always will. And I hate myself right now for being abnormal, being a freak, because if I was normal I would have made you happier than you could ever imagine, get that house on the beach, import some dolphins, have Lucia St. Clair Robson and Christopher Pike give you writing tips, and buy you notebook paper every morning with purple lilacs on them so you could write.. and make you fettuccini alfredo with broccoli everyday for lunch, even though it makes me hurl. I'd book our wedding in Hawaii on the beach... anything and everything that I know about you I would do... and I would never get tired of learning more....
I'm sorry Kate, my last email was just hurt, hurt that I could mean so little to you now, hurt that it was all because of an illness that I hate about myself... an illness that made me lose the woman I would walk across the desert with no water for.
I apologize for that email... I said some assuming things due to my heartache... and thought that maybe if we didn't speak or see much of one another the hurt would pass like it has done with you... but I think it would only make it worse, because I can still see every hair on your head and how it dances on your face first thing in the morning when you breathe...

See? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. He was suddenly there, every day. He was being that guy again, the one that I had fallen for. Geez, he was saying things like I can still see every hair on your head and how it dances on your face first thing in the morning when you breathe. Remember that thing about the attraction and the chemistry? It was even harder to be around him when he was begging me to take him back and saying everything I had wanted to hear.
He would lean over to take Triniti from me and just breathe on my neck and I had to back away. The tiny and seemingly insignificant things that got under my skin. He took all of us to the Pumpkin Patch thing and the kids had such a blast. I had been so broke for so long that I was just happy to see the girls being able to run around and take pony rides and eat candied apples.

It was like he was standing in front of me saying look, here is the family that you want, take it. And I wanted to but he had already burned me and I had to keep reminding myself not to touch him again. He had already seared off too much of my heart.
I got a job. Oh god, I was so happy to have a job again. There are only so many months you can sit idle. I am not the kind of girl who can stay home all day. I need to work.
But the hours were going to be tricky until I could get Trin into daycare. And there he was. Offering to help, offering to stay with the girls so I could work. And I decided to accept his help. On one hand I thought that I deserved it, deserved to have him be there and help me after all the time I had been there for him and with him. On the other hand, Dreamboy was making all of the same offers to help, all the same gestures and yet I wasn't seeing him.
Is it being sucked back into that comfort zone rather than trying something new?
But whatever it was, NY won.
I had to leave for work at 6am and he offered to stay the night and keep the kids the next day. It's no problem Kate, I'll sleep on the couch and the kids and I will have a blast tomorrow.
Only it wasn't.
Kids are in bed, baby is asleep and he and I are sitting on the couch watching a movie. And that magnetism, that pull. Damn that pull. And it was like he knew, he knew I wanted his hands on me.
I got up to go to bed and he asked me to wait.
Then he was there, two inches from my skin. Standing just. close. enough. to speed my heart up and render me tongue tied.
Just wait a minute.
He didn't do anything, he just stood there, looking into my eyes.
Then, as slowly as you can possibly imagine, he reached up and touched my hair. He brushed it back and then slowly, god everything was so slow, he trailed his fingers down my neck and to my shoulder.
I was holding my breath because I knew he was about to kiss me and if he wasn't then I didn't want to breathe because I couldn't stand to have him that close to me and not have him touch me.
Then he did that thing that you only see in movies. He pulled me to him and instead of kissing me, he kissed my neck. From one side to the other. I am just willing myself to stay standing. And he is saying things. Things like how he missed me and how I was beautiful and how he loved me so much and please give him another chance, it would be better this time, he wouldn't mess it up this time, he needed me.
And I can't breathe because he is slowly kissing me everywhere.
He had this ability to torture you. To drive you mad with the lightest of touches and he used it on me that night. He had me in bed and he was making me crazy and then he stopped.
He stopped.
And then he sat up and said he couldn't.
I can't do this with you Kate. I can't be with you and know that you don't love me. I can only do this if you say you love me. It has to mean something.
Yeah, he was good.

He moved back in with me two weeks later.



so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:32 AM
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