I walked into the house at 1am and he was asleep on the couch. He looked good sleeping on the couch, but besides that he looked like he had been waiting for me which made me happy. I went and set my stuff down on the bar and then went into the kitchen so I could get a glass of water.
Then, I heard this sound.
I had no idea what it was but it sounded like someone had left a game boy on. I stood still trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. Then, NY sat up on the couch and grabbed his cell phone (the source of the noise) and ran up the stairs, two at a time.
I didn't think he even knew I was home.
I finished my water and then went upstairs to change and go to bed. Two thirds of the way up the stairs and I hear him, "look, I can't talk right now, she's here...."
I stopped.
"I said I would call you. No! Look, I can't talk, she is home, she'll hear me."
Oh bet your ass I will.
I walked into the girls room and opened the door to the closet where he was hiding like the sniveling shit that he was.
"Who are you talking to?" I demanded from him.
"I have to go," he said and turned his phone off.
And then, do you know what he did? He actually tried to play it off like he hadn't just been caught red handed.
"Just a friend."
"A friend?" I said to his back as he walked out of the girls room and down the stairs, me on his heels. "Are you fucking kidding me NY? A friend? A friend you have to hide in the closet to talk to? Who you can't talk to because I am home?"
"Well, fuck Kate! I knew you would freak out and get all jealous!"
"What the fuck ever! Who is she? Who the hell were you talking to?"
Ok, I know that looks all stereotypical chic right there with the who is she? But, c'mon.
He ignored me. He went and sat on the couch and started watching tv. Which I of course turned off, raring to fight. Funny thing is that I wanted to be wrong. I was begging to lose. I wanted him to stand up and have some beyond brilliant explanation. I thought that the more I pushed and the more I bitched that he would just admit the truth which had to be way less awful than what I was thinking.
He ignored me. Every question was met with this icy look and no response. Finally, I just asked the question that I wanted him to deny more than anything I had ever wanted.
"Are you sleeping with her?"
This is where he should have said no. He should have vehemently denied the accusation with all of his being. If he didn't answer another of my questions, that should have been the one that he answered.
He said nothing.
I felt my heart just fall.
There is no reason to say nothing.
None.
I exploded because I already knew that he was.
"ANSWER ME DAMNIT!"
"Yes. Yes, I am sleeping with her." All calmly. Hands folded in his lap. Looking at me like you asked for it.
I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach.
The next thing I know, the cigarettes, the lighter and ashtray I had been holding were flying at his head. The ashtray actually hit him so go me. He was suddenly Mr. Rational. He looked at me like I was a three year old throwing a tantrum because I couldn't have a piece of candy. Like there was no validity in my actions and I was freaking out for no reason.
"God Kate, come on."
Come on? It was that condescending tone, those four patronizing words that pissed me off.
I went into the kitchen seething with anger and picked up his cell phone. And threw it, like it was the winning ball and I just needed one more strike, at the brick fireplace. Where it shattered into many little tiny cell phone pieces.
Then I went into the bathroom and threw up.
The first three days hurt the most. Someone has stung your heart, your soul and you are swollen and in such pain. My insides hurt so much. And it is so hard to be angry at someone who you love. It's like being put on a rack and having your legs pulled towards hate and your arms pulled towards love. It hurts so much.
Maybe I hadn't been perfect but I hadn't done anything to deserve it. I had loved him. I had spent my time and my energy on our family. I hadn't even thought about being with anyone else and here he was sleeping with someone else while he touched my hair and told me he loved me.
After a week, I was just in a daze. Denial. I was pretending he didn't exist again, only this time I was making plans to leave him. I was packing and trying to find another place to live.
I sent my girls away.
Since I have been a mother I have rarely spent one night away from my daughters. But the vibe in the house was so bad, so very very bad. I asked my mom to take the girls while I packed and moved. She said ok. My brother was on leave from the Navy and he went to. They took the girls to the Ranch for three weeks.
I buried myself in work. I worked more than a hundred hours a week. I took graveyard shifts and trip shifts and anything they would give me. I went home and slept for a few hours and then went back to work. He and I saw each other, but not often and I didn't speak to him. In fact, I had decided he wasn't there and so, he wasn't. If he talked to me or looked at me, I left the room.
His kids weren't back and mine were gone so neither of us had any reason to be there. I tried to stay gone as much as possible when he was home and when I couldn't be gone, I stayed upstairs, in the girls room.
Then, an odd thing happened.
I missed my period. Which was doubly odd since I was on the pill.
A quick pregnancy test and there are two lines instead of one and everything changes.
Pregnant.
I can.not. be pregnant. Except that I was.
Someone had shuffled the cards and dealt me a new hand.
next...
Labels: History Lesson
