Is someone talking to me? Oh look an adorable, completely toned blonde chic. This gets better by the minute. Yeah, I know. Fifteen more minutes. Yeah, I'm terminally and retardedly early. Is retardedly a word? Most likely not.
Oh good she's telling me to get stuff. Like I know where the stuff is. Darn, we need a lot of stuff. A mat, a ball, a ball holder thingy, weights... Cool at least I have something to do now.
Ok now I am all set up. No one else is here and it is like 11:25... Next time I am not even leaving the office until 11:15. That's five minutes to drive, five minutes to change and then be in here at 11:25 setting my stuff up.
Oooh, maybe no one else will show up and then the super tiny chic can teach me how to do everything so I don't look stupid next time.
Oh look another tiny little adorable chic.
I hate tiny toned adorable chics.
Oh good, a really old guy. I have to do better than the really old guy.
Did she just say he has a metal knee?
I have to do better than the really old guy with the metal knee.
Finally, we are starting. It's 11:35 punctual pilates people.
In the nose, out the mouth. I can do this. Just breathe. In and out. Stop thinking about work. Breathe in and out. Stop planning your grocery list, just breathe. Geez how am I ever going to concentrate, all I can think about is work.
Oh good, now we are laying down.
Man, why didn't I start doing pilates a long time ago. Breathing, relaxing, laying down. This is so cool.
Now sit back up and sit straight. Damn I have bad posture. Probably because I am trying to hunch over my giant tummy and hide it from the world. Look at it all sticking out, all proud of itself. Stupid stomach.
Arms up, stretch. Stretching feels good.
Now back on my back. Bend my knees and legs up... head up... oh this kinda sucks. Can we got down now? Oh good down. Phew! What? Back up? Holy crap, my stomach must not have any muscles at all. I'm all shaking. Down, phew, thank goodness. What? Up AGAIN? Why is she counting. Is this a SET? I can't do a set of these.
Down again, oh my god. That's only four. Can everyone see my legs shaking. Holy crap. The tiny chic is evil.
That was the end of the first set? We have to do that again?!?
Are we done? No? The same thing with straight legs?
Oh my god.
I shouldn't have to. My legs weight more than hers. Damn it.
Ok, now get the big yoga ball. Good maybe I can put my legs on top of it. They are all wobbly. What? Hold the giant yoga ball between my knees? But it's huge. Ok, got it... goootttt it. What? Lift my legs up? And squeeze my knees together?
There goes the ball.
How come no one else is losing their ball?
Fuck, that hurts.
Don't forget to breathe? Yeah, whatever.
Ok, now squeeze the ball with my knees and do a crunch? What are you? A sadist?
No crying. There's no crying in pilates.
Come on Kate, the old guy with the effing metal knee can do it.
Is this class almost over? Help me! Where is the fire alarm?? Someone make a fire!
Oh good, we're done with the ball.
I. Hate. The. Ball.
Sit up straight. I can't even tell if I'm sitting up straight any more. I'm all lightheaded and my stupid legs are all mushy. Oh good, arm exercises. At least I can hold my arms up.
Why did I get three pound weights? What was a I trying to prove?
They have one pound weights, Kate. Why didn't you get the one pound weights?
It's cool, at least we don't have to do the knee thing any more. Suck it up sister. Look at the other chics, they are all like no worries, pilates is fun! -- I hate them. Stupid skinny girls and old dude with the metal knee. I hate them all.
Stretching? Oh good, I love stretching.
Oh yeah, I love laying down and breathing.
Thank you oh merciful pilates god.
Oh yay! We're done.
Crap. I wonder if I can stand up.
I hate that the vast majority of the population has a family that even remotely resembles normal and I am stuck being the oldest daughter of the freakin' king of dysfunctional families. In a nutshell: my dad and mom both did ridiculous amounts of drugs and drinking and my dad beat the crap out of my mom which was the conclusion of about 80% of the screaming matches that took place about 60% of the time I was growing up. After my dad, my mom managed to get together with someone even more destructive and I left.
At fourteen, I moved out.
Now I made an assload of mistakes and I will be the first person to admit to them. But I will also be the first person to point out that I had no idea what to do. No one set an example in my life. No one said, "Hey Kate, this is how you do stuff." I was just suddenly a young adult who wanted a different life and had no idea how to get it.
That was fourteen years ago.
And fourteen years later, I have three amazing kids who I love and who I have raised without the aforementioned dysfunction I was raised with. I have three daughters in whom I am instilling the way to "do stuff" and who I spend the majority of my time and energy into not fucking up.
And you know what? I'm doing a pretty god damn good job.
And my family treats me like I am some white trash girl who has done nothing with her life. Like I am some girl who can't do anything by herself. They give me ZERO respect for getting to where I am in life with very little help.
And the irony of it? I am the ONLY one who has.
I want so very badly to cut them loose. To get rid of my mother and my brother and not have them be a part of my life. But for whatever fucked up reason, I don't possess the ability to do it. I don't have it in me to cut them out and turn my back on them.
And I hate it.
I can't figure out exactly what it is that is making me feel compelled to contact him.
Ever since his sister in law emailed me and said he is in jail again and this time for a very long time, I just feel like I need to.
Since my handwriting is utter crap, I typed his letter, here is a piece of it.
So do I dance around the path you've chosen in life? Or do I talk to you about it?
It floors me, AZ that you are where you are.. That you've made the decisions you've made. That you decided being nowhere was better than being with the girls in any way.
I can’t imagine.
I can’t imagine having missed out on the last eight years of their lives. I can’t imagine not being in the stands for every softball game or being there to tuck them in and hear about the school drama, the boys, their dreams, I can’t imagine missing academic fairs or UIL competitions or learning to ride a bike or birthday parties.
I can’t imagine missing any of it. It breaks my heart that you have.
You have amazing daughters. They have become unbelievable girls and are the road to being phenomenal women. How do I even convey that to you?
Amanda? She is eleven and a half now - on the road to puberty and becoming a little ornery on account of the pre-teenager-ness. She has finally decided to grow her hair back out after having worn it super short since she was six or sevenish. She is stunningly beautiful and has this little beauty mark right above her lip. She is a survivor; nothing in life is going to throw her off. Everything is an opportunity for her to learn and grow and she knows how to make it in the world of evil girls and school :) She has awesome friends and she makes great decisions. She hasn't completely decided what she is going to do when she grows up yet but she is always looking for it (and leaning towards Zoology – she loves animals). College is something that the girls and I discuss almost daily and she is always considering the possibilities of what she will do with her life.
Emilee? She’ll be ten on Sunday. Her and Amanda are at combative ages and they don’t get along to great right now which bums me out to no end. I am trying to find a couple of books on building relationships between sisters for them to start reading. But I realize it is all part of the cycle… Emilee is amazing. She’s smart as a whip and her math skills are incredible. Where Amanda excels at social situations, Emilee doesn’t even care. She is just off in her own head but at the same time she is the friendliest kid ever. I hope she keeps it up and doesn’t get sucked into the “Social Scene” because I can promise you, whatever Em decides to do? She will rock at it.
They both play softball, which I had no hand in, I promise you. Emilee tries everything and she decided after a season of soccer and a season of basketball that she wanted to try softball so I shelled out the cash and signed her up. By the end of the first practice, Amanda (who had never expressed even the teeniest bit of interest in playing a sport) was saying that she wanted to play too. I know I looked at her like she was out of her mind but she promised me if I paid for it, she’d play the whole season. And you know what? We are just finishing our third year! I can’t believe it. Amanda has played second and outfield and, get this, she is a switch hitter AND a switch pitcher! Can you believe that? And this is the first year that when she walks up to bat, her coach actually tells her which side to bat on… sometimes it’s left handed and sometimes it’s right handed, just depends on where he wants her to hit the ball. How cool is that?
Emilee is also a switch hitter and she plays catcher. It is, quite honestly, the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your whole life. Emilee all decked out in pitchers gear squatted behind the plate. She’s pretty good too. But she’s in her chubby pre-puberty phase that Amanda was in two years ago so she isn’t super fast right now, but in another year, she’ll have grown a few inches and be all awesome. She is also held back right now by these super horrible headaches that she has been having. I’m taking her to a neurologist in July [freakin’ neurologists are apparently all the rage because it is a pain to get an appointment with one] for testing because the headaches are really starting to keep her from doing the things that she loves and her pediatrician is at a loss as to why she has them. She is such a trooper though. She suffers through them with a smile and rarely gets upset unless it is really bad.
That's it guys. Eight years condensed into a few paragraphs.
Can you imagine someone giving you the last eight years of your children's lives in five paragraphs?
And here's my favorite HNT pic for old time's sake:
Oh and I will be accepting gifts all day while I sit up here on my birthday throne.
Wow, mouthful :)
2. Two feelings at the moment?
Sleepy and... wait. Is "sleepy" a feeling? Oh well, I'm too tired to question it. Sleepy and tired. Ha! Two NON-feelings for my feeling answer :)
3. What are you listening to right now?
BossMan conducted a meeting/training.
4. Done anything you regret so far this week?
I was not Awesome Mom this morning. I was Intolerant Mom and Impatient Mom. Wasn't good. I'll be dolling out apologies this afternoon.
5. Describe where you are right now?
In my office, surrounded by PAPERS! We're cleaning out the filing cabinets and let-me-tell-you, there are a LOT of papers to go through.
6.The highlight of your week?
Oh, let's see... Saturday it was a million degrees and my car broke down right after Ford's service dept. closed so I was carless until yesterday when I had to drive(and by drive I mean bum a ride) to town 45 minutes away to pick up a rental...
7. What are you craving to have right now?
8. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
Rico Suave and I had lunch yesterday... does that count?
9. What are you scared of?
Biggest Fear is something happening to the girls or something happening to me rendering my girlies Mom-Less.
10. Last movie you watched?
P.S. I Love You.
Which I cried all the way through. But the purple fields!!! Oh wow!!! I want to grow whatever that purple stuff was :)
11. Do you have feelings for someone?
I'm trying to avoid Boy Drama these days...
12. What is your heritage?
Scottish & Irish: red hair and I burst into flames when exposed to direct sunlight for more than ten minutes.
13. Are you thinking of someone right now?
I'm listening to Original Cute Boy doing training now...
14. Briny Spears is a skank. Agree or disagree?
Poor Poor confused Brittany.
15. Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
16.Have you changed much this year?
I'm a work in progress. I hope that I am changing daily and growing and learning.
17. Say something about the person who posted this before you?
Snow is the awesomest of awesome chics who will stay on the phone with you even though it's past your and her bedtimes just so you have someone to talk to while you are driving to the bank :)
18. Do you like moms?
moms are awesome.
19.Hugs Or Kisses?
20. Say one of your friends and an inside joke with them.
Our OPS guy here at work: Bet my milkshake??
21. How many homes have you lived in?
OMFG... Let's see I can count 27 off the top of my head... Probably a few more. But that is ONE for every year of my life!!!
22. This Q went AWOL.
Freakin' Q's, always goin' AWOL.
23. Who was the last person to text message you?
Rico Suave :) He's always checkin on me :)
24. Where was the last place you went besides where you are?
I was at home before I came here this morning.
25. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
26. Do you speak any other language other than English?
I'm trying to learn Italian. And by trying I mean I haven't done it in a LONG time but I tell myself all the time that I am going to start again...
27. Last thing you watched on TV?
Cold Case :)
28. Do you dress for style or comfort?
29. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
On May 15, our celeb birthdays include The Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum in 1856; French chemist Pierre Curie in 1859; author Katherine Ann Porter in 1890; Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley in 1902; actors Joseph Cotten in 1905 and James Mason in 1909; country singer Eddy Arnold in 1918; actress Anna Maria Alberghetti in 1936; former U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright in 1937; singers Trini Lopez in 1937 and Lainie Kazan in 1942; filmmaker David Cronenburg in 1943; and actors Chazz Palminteri in 1951 and Lee Horsley in 1955. Musician Mike Oldfield is 55. Actor Lee Horsley is 53. Singer Prince Be of PM Dawn is 38. Actor David Charvet ("Melrose Place") is 36. Actor David Krumholtz ("Numb3rs") is 30. Actress Jamie-Lynn Sigler ("The Sopranos") is 27.
No one Super Rad, 'cept for yours truly :)
30. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
Who needs Mexico for a drunken night?
31. Whats the craziest thing you’ve done?
I've made some less than stellar choices in my life... Packing all my shit up and moving out when I was 14 was pretty nuts.
32. Favorite colour(s)?
Purple & Blue.
33. What are your plans for tonight?
34. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Not being tired :).
35. Last time you smiled?
This morning, recapping the girls softball game last night :)
Labels: Being Mommy
Well one of these boys, who we'll keep nameless for right now, had made an extended appearance and a surprising one and I know your little gutter brains are thinking the worst, but I asure you, I am still on The Road To Born Again Virginity (against my will, I think I am being towed!)...
Anyway, Snowelf and I are discussing this appearance and she remarks that maybe he and I will try Dating v2.0. And I couldn't lie and say that the thought hadn't crossed my mind but here's the thing - do I really want to get into a serious relationship with someone who took three years to decide I was worth having? Even if, as Snowelf argued, he knew now. Like really knew. [Which is not to say that any of this actually happened, we're chics - we speak in hypotheticals like they are going out of style.]
I want to be with someone who, very shortly after getting to know me, can't imagine not being with me.
I don't want any of that hemming and hawing bullshit.
I don't want to be a hard decision to make. I want the person I commit to spending the rest of my life with to know.
Is that nuts? Am I asking too much?
Could I sound more homophobic?
I am so not.
They looked to be lesbians. And I could be waaaaayy off here because I have the hardest time telling when people are or are not gay. I mean, I've hit on gay guys before. Hell, my first real relationship was with someone who cheated on me with dudes.
So there you go.
Anyway, these chics seemed like they could have been a couple. And as I am checking them out, I wonder to myself if they are "equally matched". You know, like is she a seven and the other chic a six? Since in the stupid world of "equally matched" you rarely see a dude who is a 2 with a chic who is a 9.
Hey, don't get mad at me, I don't make these "rules", I just know about them...
And I kind of have a hard time rating chics... Which led me to wonder what kind of chic I would "match up with" were I to be a lesbian.
Am I more Portia de Rossi or Rosie O'Donnell?
And do chics checking out chics gauge chics the same way we gauge dudes? Or is there a different criteria since it's chics...
And while I pondered this and many other aspects of lesbianism, I missed a critical play and screwed up the score keeping book for the softball game.
Labels: Being a Chic
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you donâ€™t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
The Adorable DB
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
A few years later...
The Red Princess Detective
Song of the day - Cover Me
Enchiladas and Spanish rice for my sister
Kale, leeks and pesto over pumpkin ginger rice noo...
bedding and barstools and dinnerware, OH MY!
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
Bowling For Soup
Our Lady Peace
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal