Thursday, May 29, 2008
Pilates Class - Inner Monologue
So arriving fifteen minutes early was completely unnecessary. Now I look like a dumbass. I should just wave at the people walking by. Hi, yeah I'm the idiot girl standing all alone in the giant workout room. Take a picture. It's like a bad hazing ritual. Show up fifteen minutes early and stand all alone the giant intimidating room with the cycles and other equipment that they are going to hurt you with. Feel intimidated. Do you feel it? Feel the burn.
Is someone talking to me? Oh look an adorable, completely toned blonde chic. This gets better by the minute. Yeah, I know. Fifteen more minutes. Yeah, I'm terminally and retardedly early. Is retardedly a word? Most likely not.
Oh good she's telling me to get stuff. Like I know where the stuff is. Darn, we need a lot of stuff. A mat, a ball, a ball holder thingy, weights... Cool at least I have something to do now.
Ok now I am all set up. No one else is here and it is like 11:25... Next time I am not even leaving the office until 11:15. That's five minutes to drive, five minutes to change and then be in here at 11:25 setting my stuff up.
Oooh, maybe no one else will show up and then the super tiny chic can teach me how to do everything so I don't look stupid next time.
Oh look another tiny little adorable chic.
I hate tiny toned adorable chics.
Hate. Them.
Oh good, a really old guy. I have to do better than the really old guy.
Did she just say he has a metal knee?
I have to do better than the really old guy with the metal knee.
Finally, we are starting. It's 11:35 punctual pilates people.
In the nose, out the mouth. I can do this. Just breathe. In and out. Stop thinking about work. Breathe in and out. Stop planning your grocery list, just breathe. Geez how am I ever going to concentrate, all I can think about is work.
Oh good, now we are laying down.
Man, why didn't I start doing pilates a long time ago. Breathing, relaxing, laying down. This is so cool.
Now sit back up and sit straight. Damn I have bad posture. Probably because I am trying to hunch over my giant tummy and hide it from the world. Look at it all sticking out, all proud of itself. Stupid stomach.
Arms up, stretch. Stretching feels good.
Now back on my back. Bend my knees and legs up... head up... oh this kinda sucks. Can we got down now? Oh good down. Phew! What? Back up? Holy crap, my stomach must not have any muscles at all. I'm all shaking. Down, phew, thank goodness. What? Up AGAIN? Why is she counting. Is this a SET? I can't do a set of these.
Down again, oh my god. That's only four. Can everyone see my legs shaking. Holy crap. The tiny chic is evil.
That was the end of the first set? We have to do that again?!?
Are we done? No? The same thing with straight legs?
Oh my god.
I shouldn't have to. My legs weight more than hers. Damn it.
Ok, now get the big yoga ball. Good maybe I can put my legs on top of it. They are all wobbly. What? Hold the giant yoga ball between my knees? But it's huge. Ok, got it... goootttt it. What? Lift my legs up? And squeeze my knees together?
There goes the ball.
How come no one else is losing their ball?
Fuck, that hurts.
Don't forget to breathe? Yeah, whatever.
Ok, now squeeze the ball with my knees and do a crunch? What are you? A sadist?
No crying. There's no crying in pilates.
Holy hell.
Come on Kate, the old guy with the effing metal knee can do it.
Is this class almost over? Help me! Where is the fire alarm?? Someone make a fire!
Oh good, we're done with the ball.
I. Hate. The. Ball.
Now weights.
Sit up straight. I can't even tell if I'm sitting up straight any more. I'm all lightheaded and my stupid legs are all mushy. Oh good, arm exercises. At least I can hold my arms up.
Why did I get three pound weights? What was a I trying to prove?
They have one pound weights, Kate. Why didn't you get the one pound weights?
It's cool, at least we don't have to do the knee thing any more. Suck it up sister. Look at the other chics, they are all like no worries, pilates is fun! -- I hate them. Stupid skinny girls and old dude with the metal knee. I hate them all.
Stretching? Oh good, I love stretching.
Lay down?
Oh yeah, I love laying down and breathing.
Thank you oh merciful pilates god.
We're done.
Oh yay! We're done.
Crap. I wonder if I can stand up.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 12:19 PM
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