Wednesday, August 31, 2005
And she did it all by herself. I put her in the bath and then went into the other room to finish setting the table for dinner for Amanda and Emilee. A little while later I go back in and the toilet is FULL OF POOP! I wanted to take a picture of it, but I didn't think you guys really cared about the visual aspect of the poop! But she pooped! In the potty! All by herself.
Oh. fuck. yeah!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:42 PM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

Tuesday, August 30, 2005
sign on the door of the library
I pointed this sign out to Jiffinner who says "you could teach that class!" We shot the picture and laughed and then I read her blog... and I don't think I would want to teach any classes on blogging if there are to be posts like this one about me out there in the blogosphere after encouraging people to write blogs! lol
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:10 PM
| link to this post | 14 spoke |

Secret Shavers Society
It all started with a hair. A hair is such a tiny little thing, but you get one that is ingrown and it can make your life a living hell while it sorts out its issues with its little hair therapist. We females tend to get these a couple of times a year, give or take. So, Thursday I got one. Being females, this came up in conversation between Jiffinner and I. We, somehow or another, came to the conclusion that it would be best for the hair if I shaved off all the other hair. You know, so it wouldn't be so scared to come out. So, all of it. As in bald.
Yeah, some of you are like "so what?" but I haven't ever done that before so I was like "uh, no." Jiffinner assured me that many many many females out there are doing this and expressed some serious curiosity at how I could have made it twenty five years without ever having shaved down there. If I remember correctly, she said "I can't believe you have never shaved your kooch!" That's such a lovely word... I explained that it was really quite simple, I just don't do that. I am, what I like to call, a trimmer. I keep everything trimmed and neat and am perfectly happy to do so. I have never felt the urge or need to just make it all go away. Just shave it all...
Anyway, I figured what the hell right? I mean, what harm can there be in it? Apparently everyone's doing it. So Friday, it all went. All of it. And - WEIRD. I was immediately pissed that I had done it and didn't dig it all. But, I shrugged it off and figured it was no big deal... it would grow back in a few days and all would be right in my world pants again.
Until he called Saturday on his way to my place. I was like yeah, ok, I'll see you in what? Fifteen minutes? Ok, cool.
Then I hang up and it hits me. OH. FUCK. Oh fuck, no, fuck fuck fuck. I immediately call Jiffinner who doesn't answer until the second time I call!! In between her fits of laughing, she assures me that this is really not that big of a deal and that I shouldn't be freaking out about it! Oh, I wasn't freaking out about it all. I was trying to barter my soul for a little crotch toupee, but I wasn't freaking out or anything...
"Well, what do I tell him?" I asked her as I paced up and down my hallway. "He's going to notice that something is different Jiff-in-ner!"
There is a two minute break in conversation here while she laughs and then dries her eyes while catching her breath.
"Don't tell him anything, he'll figure it out by himself."
Another minute and a half while I am aghast at this entire thought process.
"Are you fucking kidding me? I can't just sit back and not tell him! I can't believe this! This is your fault you know??? You were the one who said it was normal! Ohmygod..."
More laughing followed by the promise to relay this entire story to her brother in a few minutes.
"Seriously, Kate, it is nothing. Maybe he'll like it."
"Like it? Like it? Are you fucking serious? Have you seen it? I mean, not mine. But have you ever looked at yours? I mean, have you really looked? Who does this anyway? Why would he like it.... Oh... he had better not like it! I am so not doing it again, even if he does like it!"
She can't even respond. She is a nifty little fit of giggles and can't even answer me. I had to go anyway. I had like ten minutes to find some way to fix this problem.
Ten minutes later...
Yeah, I couldn't barter anything I had for hair. Turns out that your soul? Yup, pretty much useless in the grand scheme of things. He got there and we stood outside and talked but I can't hear anything he is saying because there is the constant There isn't any hair down there! How do you bring that up in conversation? Hey, so, um, just thought I would let you know, I shaved. Yup. Just shaved it all off. God - I can't fucking say that! What the fuck do you say? Can you say anything or does this violate some law some where?
"Kate? Kate? Hey, are you ok?"
"What? Oh yeah, I am fine. Sorry, was just -er- thinking about some thing... anyway, you were saying?"
So I manage to keep myself distracted enough to concentrate on our conversations with out obsessing. I mean, it isn't that big of a deal right? I mean, he isn't going to just freak out and run to his car screaming right? Oh god.
So, some time passes and we end up in bed. Ok, shut up, I know we always end up in be, ok? I knew it was going to happen, it wasn't shocking or anything. But then I am thinking about how to work it into the kissing and groping and... well you know. So, I stalled. Instead of just getting it over with, I instead stayed dressed and went down on him.
(Ok, keep in mind that I am still trying to overcome this problem. It will happen, ok??) I stayed there... for a long time. Well, I kind of went from kissing, back down, to kissing and back down. And I was actually having a pretty fucking good time.
He, however, wanted to get my pants off. So he tries to and I am all like "no, um.. no." He looks at me like I have lost my goddamned mind. Which is pretty much the same way I would have looked at him. He's all like "are you serious?" So, resume making out and he tries again and I say "hey, uh, I need to tell you something..." and he says "right now?" And I say "yeah." But neither of us are really stopping to talk, because really, who wants to talk just then? I mean, any talking you want to be doing isn't about the weather or your taxes, it is more directive or encouragement or... well you know, stuff relating to the sex you are having. So, he tries a third time and I pull my head out of the spin cycle and tell him I need to tell him something. He must have realized I was serious or he realized that if he didn't stop and let me say what I needed to say that he may never get into my pants. Either way, he stopped. "Ok, what is it?" Now, I could have said like five words here and gotten it over with... but when have you guys ever known me to say only five words when several hundred will suffice?
So, I say "ok, see the thing is... I had this like... ingrown hair. So, I was talking to Jiffinner and we sort of thought that it would be a good idea to just... shave it all... since that might help... but, the thing is now that it is all gone. And... um... I've never done that before, so I'm kind of weird about it."
He is just looking at me like that's it? And kind of doing that thing where you are just waiting to see if the other person is done so you can move on. But, was I done? No siree.
"Ok, and I am pretty uncomfortable with all of this so if you could kind of not make a big deal out of it then I would really appreciate it."
I would have went on you know? I would have made sure to clarify that later on I would like to know the effect this particular aspect had on the outcome (sorry, lol - no pun, lmao) of the entire evening. But, that was pretty much shot to hell because I think he was just done waiting.

Since that night, I have spoken to two other girl friends who thought my entire little episode was rather hilarious. I have also been made privy to such things as what style to shave! STYLE! Are you fucking joking? Oh, no... apparently there is The Triangle, The Hitler and the one where you shave everything on the bottom, but leave the top. I am three for three! All three girls I spoke to about this couldn't believe I wasn't in their little Bald Club. That is the only reason I am blogging about this because this was officially the first time I was too embarrassed to post about something on here. But, knowing that I am apparently odd for not doing this regularly has made it a lot easier.
So spill it people. Give up your secret shaving stories.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 12:02 AM
| link to this post | 17 spoke |

Monday, August 29, 2005
Shamelessly stolen from Cubicle Hell

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:40 AM
| link to this post | 7 spoke |

reality in all of it's bite-y-ness
I was bitch-slapped back into reality tonight by one of my very close friends (one whom I love so so much and I am not at all upset with after this conversation -just so you know babe-). All of my other friends have been indulging my fantasies about him, letting that tiny glimmer of hope I have in regards to him flicker.
She took a deep breath and blew the tiny flame...
"he's not secretly in love with you hiding his feelings behind a girlfriend he doesn't actually like"
another breath...
"he's fucking you and bringing her home to mom"
"and he may be sweet to you at times but over all he's a total asshole"

"and sometimes you love someone who treats you so badly over and over again.... but in the end what price is your soul? what price are you?"
Oh, it stings... What's the saying? Oh yeah - the truth hurts.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't help the way I feel about him... But, does it matter when he reciprocates none of it? I have put every ounce of myself out there and he is just leaning back on the railing watching me teeter. I've fallen before and he never caught me, he just stood there and watched me smack the ground.
No pretenses.
There hasn't ever been anything solid. Never any commitments, never any promises. Nothing spoken to make me believe that he feels anything for me. So why do I believe that he does? I am not naive enough to think that sex equals love. I have never assumed, even once, that because I was having one that the other was in tow. So, why do I know that he does feel for me? Why do I believe that he is holding back? If I am so wrong about this then my intuition must really be in the shitter because I feel this with him so much...

"tell him you cant do this... that its not fair to you... get mad at him, he is fucking you... just stop, let it go, let it end, and actually mourn the end, dont wait for it to start up again... it's over, it needs to be over..."
I cried. I stood outside holding my cigarette and just cried and I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. Is it his fault that I was crying? No. I can't blame him for the fact that I continuously put myself in this place. He is little more than the steps I climb to get to this place. But I cried. God, I put myself here. I am willingly spiraling to this awful sadness. And why? Because I have some Nora Roberts fucking delusion of grandeur that he is going to pull into my driveway and declare his un-fucking-dying love for me? And we will just live happily ever after? What in the hell am I smoking? When did I start to believe that those happy endings are real?
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 1:41 AM
| link to this post | 14 spoke |

Sunday, August 28, 2005
Sunday morning coffee...
First of all, let me apologize to whomever it was that found my site by searching for "beautiful naked teen"...
Secondly, wow, you guys have gotten a post every day this week! Let me just pat myself on the back here for a second. :P
Now, two seconds after the patting has stopped, lets get to the dirt. Yesterday's post and last nights company really made me think about the fact that a large chunk of my hesitancy towards dating comes from the fact that I already like someone - a lot. I mean, I am practically in the exact dating situation I want to be in... almost anyway. I see him about once a week, he calls me almost every day just to talk and I don't have to deal with all that jealous, overbearing crap. After a year, he still manages to stimulate my mind and my body...
I took most of ya'll's advice and just went with what was happening and didn't ask questions or over analyze (much). And last week, when he was here, I told you guys how hard it was for me to lay there next to him, wrapped in him, and not tell him how I was feeling. Last night it was the same so rather then lay there and just push everything back in, I got up and went outside to smoke. He was dozing anyway so I figured he would just fall asleep and I would come back in a little less on edge.

But, when I stepped outside, I just started to cry. Do you know that no one has made me cry since Veronique died? Yeah, I have cried since then, but mostly for her or because something in a movie set me off. But I haven't felt anything that much this year I guess. So, I just started to cry and then I thought if I just get it out, I'll be ok. So, I did. Then I smoked and then I went back inside, completely composed. When I went into my room though, he wasn't there. When I went into the living room he was sitting on my couch dressed and ready to go. When I walked in, I was just hoping he hadn't came over to the door, pleading with the Karma Gods that he had just gotten dressed and was about to come outside when I walked in. No such luck. I said something silly about him having freaked me out by not being in the room, laughed a little. Then I sat down and he waited a few seconds and then took my hand and asked if I was ok. Yeah, yeah, I am totally fine and then smile. But I am not a fucking idiot ok? He wouldn't have asked if he didn't know. A minute passes, maybe two and then he says "this isn't healthy for you is it?" I took my hand back and sighed. We went back into my room and laid down on the bed. I thought you were asleep when I went outside. He has his hand on my arm, my arm that he is stroking is draped over his chest.
I tell him the truth and I am hating myself as the words are leaving my lips. I tell him how it goes against my grain to just keep everything I feel for him inside. He says we could stop (again). I tell him we have this conversation about once every three months. And that it isn't the sex that makes me have feelings for him, it is him. The rest of the conversation doesn't matter because there wasn't a thing that was resolved. We got up and went outside and talked for about thirty minutes. The awkwardness floated away (for me anyway) and we were just us, just talking. Then he left.
This isn't what I wanted to do. My whole air of nonchalance was shot to hell and back and hell again. I hate that I am the only one with anything on the line, with any of my cards showing. One of you told me this morning that the ball is in his court now but the funny thing is that it is always in his court. He never throws it back, he just keeps them. He has all the balls, all the cards. (Hey, but I have all of the sports analogies right??? lol)

I have never been so out of it like this before. I have always had an innate ability to steer guys, steer situations, steer relationships right to where I wanted them or didn't want them as the case may be. I have always known which buttons to push to be where I wanted to be with a guy. I don't even know where his buttons are let alone which ones to push. And I can't do anything. I am a sitting duck. I have tried not sleeping with him, I have tried not seeing him, I even stopped talking to him once for a month. None of those things made it any better. In fact the latter of the three made it worse. I want this guy in my life, I just wish I could get past wanting him as more than a friend.
Although, I am sure after last night his ass is going to be scared shitless about seeing me again, lol. Crying seems to do that to guys.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:07 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Saturday, August 27, 2005
bad for my Karma
Ok, so months and months ago, when I was trying to get out there and date more, I signed up for Yahoo Personals and Plenty Of Fish and Hot or Not and probably a half a dozen other matchmaking type sites. My goal was to just put myself out there, be open to opportunities. I tried to respond to pretty much anyone who showed even the slightest glimmer of hope in being my match. I actually had a blog for this for awhile which Veronique and I co-wrote.
What happened was that time and time again I was faced with these guys who I wasn't interested in after a couple of emails. And when I lost Veronique, I lost pretty much any interest in dating at all. My heart wasn't in it. So, whenever I got a hit on one of my profiles, I usually just deleted it. Well, for the last few months, I have started responding again. Not because I have some interest in finding someone but more for the same reason that I was before - I am just putting myself out there.
But here is the problem, I have no interest. Period. At all. These guys hit my profile and then they email me and I am just like whatever. I could care less about what they have to say and I critique their emails like crazy. If something is spelled wrong or more likely a lot of things are spelled wrong, I just want to delete it. These guys don't even make me want to respond.
But, what's worse, is that I am so bored with it all that I actually forgot to respond to some guy who emailed me his pictures last week and got an email from him last night saying this "guess you don't have very much respect if you cant tell me my looks arent what your looking for i sent my pics back on the 19th, and its now the 26th so either something happened and or you want to just make me feel bad like the rest, good bye"
Here is where you picture me making that face. You know, the screwed up one you make when someone does something embarrassing. Geez, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings for fucks sake. But, I did. And the thing is? The guy wasn't bad looking at all. I never even tried to see if we meshed, I just forgot about the shots and went on with my week. And now, he is thinking I rejected him because of his looks. What an ass I am.
So, now I have to go write this guy an apology and then I am heading to Yahoo and Plenty of Fish and every other friggen site I signed up on to delete my accounts. My head isn't there so my heart certainly isn't. Unless Mr. Right falls into my lap, I don't think I will ever meet him.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:14 PM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Friday, August 26, 2005

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Ok, so if you have been here for awhile then you have become accustomed to my download of the day or the random song lyrics I throw up there for you guys.
I love music. I love lyrics. I love someone who sings with passion and makes me wish they were singing to me but at the same time I love something I can just get up and dance to. Very little time during my day is unaccompanied by music. I listen when I am in the car, while I am working, when I clean or make dinner. I burn my own cds and I usually burn three or four a week. (sidenote: ask
Jiffinner what she thinks about my labeling system, lol)
So, if you are really up-to-date on your Kate Trivia, then you also know that my favorite band is Matchbox Twenty. And I LOVE all of the solo stuff that Rob Thomas has done. If you haven't already seen it, you should click here and go see his Lonely No More video on Yahoo Launch. I need a cigarette afterwards ;)

Anyway, just to name a few of the bands I am listening to right now...
Audioslave, Lifehouse, Citizen Cope, Foo Fighters, Rob Thomas, Damien Rice, Switchfoot, Gavin DeGraw, Tyler Hilton
ooohhh and the band that sings the Diet Coke commercial with the HOT guy dancing while he gets dressed! They are called Bodyrockers and the song is 'I Like The Way'...
So, since it is Friday and ya'll aren't working anyway... come on! Who do you think you are fooling? I see you there... blog hopping and vanity searching while you check your stats! Fess up ;) Anyway, since it is Friday and you are bored (obviously since you are here, lol), tell me about some music people! I am always interested in having new shit to download. Damien Rice was a recommendation from one of you and I LOVE him! So, who are you hiding? Who is your little secret singer that I don't know about yet and need to burn?? Click comment and tell me who you think I should be listening to!
Happy Friday :)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 12:23 AM
| link to this post | 9 spoke |

Thursday, August 25, 2005
From my sister...
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WAAAAY too bitchin' not to post!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:39 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

I can date your son...
Ok, so it hit me today... Amanda has a couple of different friends with older siblings. I went out to lunch with one of her friend's moms and she brought her son along. She asked if that would be ok and I was all like sure, sure, no problem. Bring the little guy along. The little guy was nineteen and flirted with me when his mom was away from the table. I can legally date her son. Our daughters are in the same grade but I could date her son. I wouldn't, just to set the record straight, but I could - if I wanted to. I have three children and I can date guys who are eighteen, only seven years younger than me. Eighteen. Wow.
I was driving to work the other morning and I drove past the high school track team running along the side of the road. Instead of thinking hey there goes the track team, I thought wow I wonder how many of those guys without their shirts on are over eighteen. Then I was like oh my god Kate, stop looking at them. They are babies. But the thing is, they are babies with ABS! Yum.
No wonder The Stepford Wives from school hate me. They are thinking keep that tramp away from my son! She is young enough to date him for Pete's sake! And I always thought it was their husbands they were protecting. You know, what with single moms preying on forty year old guys with pot bellies and all. Our standards aren't high since we are little sluts with children and without men, so surely we must want to bang married men in our free time. But, no, it isn't their husbands after all! It's their cute little sons with abs. Gee, no fucking wonder I get the evil eye all the time.

I am tempted to just walk up to the particularly snotty ones and say things like hey there, how is little Johnny? Yeah, he was good the last time I saw him too... In fact he was much better than I thought he would be... you know, because he is so young... but that whole peak-at-eighteen thing is true for guys after all... I thought it was a myth. And you guys really shouldn't call him little Johnny anymore.. Anyway, have a nice afternoon! Then I would walk away and smile because she would have thought that I violated little Johnny. And I could have - legally anyway.

I just think being referred to as a 'Cradle Robber' is so much more appealing than a 'Husband Stealer'... I mean, if you are going to talk shit about me, at least make it sound good. I'd rather be whispered about because everyone thinks I am sleeping with attractive eighteen and nineteen year olds with abs instead of forty year old pot bellied men. I mean, I have this psuedo reputation to hold up after all, so let's make it interesting...
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 1:53 AM
| link to this post | 16 spoke |

Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Stolen from Cliff Stern

Here's what kind of kisser I am ;)

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:39 AM
| link to this post | 9 spoke |

half a bottle of wine

"Being single is kind of a struggle between loneliness and euphoria. Loneliness right before you go to bed at night and euphoria the whole rest of the day." -Ted Alexandro

Yup... I have just finished half a bottle of wine while chatting with Liz :) And not those tiny little bottles of wine either, the big ass bottle... I don't know how big... I could go look... but I am thinking no... anyway she and I were emailing earlier and scheduled a phone call and some wine for this evening. You see, Liz and I have very similar love lives... or lack thereof really. So, we agreed to grab our respective bottles of Blackberry Merlot (courtesy of Wild Vines) and our phones for a long talk.
A few hours later, yours truly has a nice buzz and a little more perspective. Perspective is good but sadly has very little influence on how we feel. And I haven't been feeling my hottest lately.
I don't hold a thing back when it comes to writing here, to sharing my life on this blog but I will keep from being utterly repetitive. I don't like to bitch and moan on a regular basis about the same problem because there is only so much you can say about the same thing before it just gets old and annoying.
Despite my disdain for the redundant, I started a post this morning about him. I couldn't help it, you see, because he is occupying too many of my thoughts right now. I started to write about it, about how I feel, about how I have felt but I realized it was all something I had written before and that I wasn't covering any new ground or discovering any miraculous solutions. I was just wallowing and attempting, as I do with most things in my life, to just write it out.
From Lifehouse's Only One "I've already been there, already done that, it got me no where, it brought me nothing, but a good place to hide in, a place to confide in, I guess you're the only one that nobody changes..."
Rather than attempt to rewrite the same impossible riddle, I opted for a shoulder... a couple of them really. I sent out an email to three of my girl friends. Liz and I seem to be in similar ruts so when she replied and said that she would love a call tonight, I agreed.
Did we discover the cure for my predicament? Nah... But we laughed and sipped wine and I smoked cigarettes and got eaten up by mosquitoes while I sat on the trunk on my car. Good friends. That is what I have. Women who will spend two hours on the phone with me while we are two thousand miles apart and listen to me retell the same saga and present the same problems and understand with me the same feelings.
I have great friends, people who really care about me and will listen to me when I need listening to. Is my problem solved? Will I go to sleep now and put him out of my mind? No. But, it has been put on the back burner for now and if nothing else, I will try not be sad for tonight.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 12:18 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Tuesday, August 23, 2005
sometimes I miss the good
Almost four years ago, I had a job that I loved. It was one of the few times in my life that I felt complete. It was short-lived. My relationship with NY came to a screeching halt during this time. But before that, before he admitted his betrayals and before he recounted his proclamation that he loved me, before someone stirred the drink that is my life back up, everything seemed so good, so round, so complete...
I was working at a place for incarcerated teenaged moms. I have no idea how I got the job. I answered an ad or got referred or something equally small. I called and then faxed my resume and had no idea what I was interviewing for when I drove the hour out of San Antonio towards Austin. When I got there, I met a man we'll call Mike. Mike sat me down in his office and explained to me what this place did. In short it was a ranch. It had on it's premises a school, a daycare, a kitchen and cafeteria, many various offices and a bunk house. At any given time we had up to twelve girls and their children. All of the girls were transferred to us from kiddie jails. All of these girls were in trouble. All of them had kids.
He didn't want an answer yet he said. First, let me take you over there, let you meet the girls. It was an evening on a weekend and the girls were watching a Disney movie in the TV room with their children. I walked into this room in my "interview clothes", into a room with twelve 'underprivileged' girls. I felt like an asshole. They were all very standoffish. None of them wanted to talk to me, I was an outsider, some girl in a nice suit who felt sorry for them. They had no idea that I had been them. No, I hadn't ever been locked up, but I had been them at some point in time. I wanted to reach out and hug them, each of them and tell them that they would make it, that they could survive and that there was so much hope and promise. I wanted to do something.
I started my way around the room introducing myself, asking about their kids (ranging from newborn to three years old), offering advice and talking them about my kids. About thirty minutes later, they had loosened up because they could relate to me, because I was them. An hour after I met the girls, Mike took me back to his office. We sat down and he asked me what I thought. I tried very hard not to, but I cried. I told him that I wanted the job. I didn't realize it until I was half way home; I hadn't been brought in and hired because of my past job experience. I had been brought in because I was a mom and I had been hired because I had been a teen mom.
When you are pregnant at fifteen years old, you become a stereotype, a box checked on a statistical sheet. The odds are against you succeeding and even more so against your children becoming anything while in your care. It is a horrible pretense to throw on a new mother, especially one who is that young. You drop out of school when you can't go an hour in the morning without throwing up. You struggle to get your GED because you can't get a job without it. And you find out that you can't get a job with it either. I was all grown up on the inside and still a child on the outside. No one sees how much you love your kids, no one sees the ideals you have set for yourself, for your children's futures. They just see another kid who fucked up, got knocked up and who will raise their taxes being supported by the state. They don't smile at you when you have your baby in the store and say how cute they are. Instead they whisper when you walk by and try and guess how old you are and whether that is you child or your sibling.
It's hard, almost impossible, to feel like you are doing a good job even when you are because the initial mistake of getting knocked up is forever hanging over your head. Most run away from it, run away from those who know you, start over somewhere new. I ran away. I ran away with AZ to any place he wanted to take me. And when I came back to the town I had went to highschool in with Amanda when she was five months old, I was reminded. I was reminded by the stares and the pointing. I was reminded of why I left in the first place.
So you see, I knew them. I knew that it was so hard and so defeating to have everyone KNOW that you will fail, know that you will fuck your kid up. No matter how much you believed that you were a good mom, that you were making the right choice, no one had your back, no one helped you or believe in you. I wanted to help them and I believed in everyone of them. Over the next few months I would learn all of their stories. I learned about how fucked up their parents were, about how they had gotten pregnant, about their pasts. But more than that, I learned about their futures, what they wanted for their children, themselves. And when these girls left, they were changed. They had confidence and more than that, hope.
This was one of the few times in my life where I felt like everything I was doing in my life was good, everything had meaning. My home life was good, my job was rewarding and fulfilling, my daughters were happy. I felt whole, complete. Everything fell apart soon after. NY said he had never loved me, then admitted to cheating. I decided to leave him and he hit me. I sent my kids away for the first and only time in their lives. They were gone for three weeks and I missed them so much I thought I would die. And as soon as I had everything packed and was going to leave, I found out I was pregnant with Trin. The long and short of it is that when I was two months pregnant, they had to let me go. The girls were considered dangerous and we had a few outbursts while I worked there. I was a liability.
I was sad for a long time afterwards. I felt like I wasn't giving everything I had to give. I tried to volunteer at places where these girls go, but I was continuously rejected based on my religious preferences. (I am Agnostic and most places that offer counseling are Christian or similar.) It killed me that I couldn't do anything, that there are all of these girls out there who need that shoulder, that support and who don't have it. I still miss it.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 3:54 PM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Monday, August 22, 2005
The First Day Of School

Well, they're gone. My daughters are sitting in their second and third grade classrooms. Today is the first day of school.
You can see the pics from this morning here. Just click on previous to go through them all :) The pics I get this afternoon should be significantly better.
Amanda and Emilee were jazzed. They were both up at the ass crack of dawn. At least forty five minutes before they needed to be. Dressed and ready to go.
I spent over an hour last night filling out the obligatory paperwork for the beginning of the year (teachers gave it to me at open house).
We got there this morning and miraculously found a place to park amongst the hundreds of parents escorting their kids to their classrooms for their first day. We took Emilee to her class first. She hugged me and then went outside to play. Next was Amanda who walked a good six feet in front of me on the way to her class. This is when it hit me. Next year, she will just wave and go alone. *sigh* Another step towards independence. Oh well, it is a healthy one anyway.
After the photos were shot, Triniti and I headed back out to the car and off to daycare. She was more upset than anyone else was. She cried when we got to daycare because her sisters weren't there. Time to reset everyone's schedules.
Today, when school is over, new routines will be put into place. The TV's will be off Monday through Thursday. Homework will be done at five, followed by dinner at six and baths immediately thereafter. Bedtime will be at eight until the sun starts setting earlier and then it goes back to being seven-thirty. The lackadaisical Summer Schedule will get tossed for the strict School Schedule. These first few weeks will be a pain in the ass, but they will be back to normal in no time. Change is always like that.

Ok well, I have today off so I am getting off of here and onto cleaning my house! Let's hope I can get my blog back to normal before the week is over.
Have a good Monday!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:52 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Saturday, August 20, 2005
A little experiment...
Before - 8:36pm
He wants to come over. He called me earlier and said as much. I'll let him. I have no urge to tell him no as I did before. I'll let him come over because when he asks, I still get those butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation. I'll let him come over because when he touches my skin, my entire body will wake up. I'll let him come over because he will make me smile and laugh. I'll let him come over because he makes me feel more alive and wanted and somehow appreciated. Because he manages to look at me that way and wake up that girl on the inside who is usually asleep and content.
I know he will touch my hair and my back and my arms... and when he kisses me, the world will fade as though it were never more than a reflection in a pond. The waves from the kiss will simply shimmer the picture into something incomprehensible. That's how I feel when I am around him, like I am looking at a picture in a disrupted pool of water. I keep turning it and turning it and I am unable to make out the picture from any angle.

After - 1:46am
He's gone. We were laying there afterwards and he said he had some song stuck in his head... I dozed off and when I woke a few minutes later, I had a song stuck in my head too. I am too tired to look it up right now but it goes something like this "That boy's just a walk away Joe, born to be a leaver, tell you from the word go, destined to deceive her, he's the wrong kind of paradise, she's gonna realize in a matter of time, that boy's just a walk away Joe..." Odd since I don't listen to country...
When I first realized I cared about him, I used to look for little signs that he might care about me too. If I were still looking for them, tonight would have been a night full of signs. He held me. He put his arms around me several times after, while I was lying there nodding off. He kept trailing his hand up and down my back, kissed my shoulder, my forehead. I fell asleep, only for a few minutes, wrapped in his arms.
I have to be so careful. When he and I are lying there and he kisses me - not that deep kiss or even that kiss that is meant to draw you out and into each other, just the brush of his lips on mine - I have to mentally say to myself 'Kate, don't say anything'. I know how close I am, the words are forming and ready to spill out and I have to push them back into my heart and lock them back up.
I was so nervous waiting for him to get here... that kind of nervous where you can't sit still so you bounce your leg, or pace back and forth.

Yet, we are so beyond comfortable with each other. We can lay there, naked, and talk about whatever and there is no self consciousness.

So, what am I feeling, how do I feel? That was the purpose of this little experiment for me. To see how I felt before and then after. I feel sleepy and anxious and relaxed. I am not bummed that he didn't spend the night. I would have liked to have had him there, with his arms around me all night, but that doesn't appear to be what we do. I don't feel used. He was very sweet tonight, more so than he has ever been before, so I feel a little surprised - but not enough to try and overanalyze it, at least not right now.
To be honest, I think I have stopped expecting anything more than this. I have given up on he and I ever being more than this. So it seems that it will just be a matter of time before I burn out and move on or he does. If he wanted more with me, I think he would have said something by now. By his silence I am forced to assume that he is content with our current arrangement.

I care about him a great deal and I enjoy his company and our friendship. I was lying there tonight thinking of all of the ways he has stimulated my mind and of all the questions he has asked me about life and the world and people and everything and all of the thinking it made me do. He has had such an influence on me this last year, made me think about things I probably wouldn't have and I hope that I have done the same for him in some ways. And he always makes me laugh. That seems to be all for now and I guess that's ok...

I am going to bed! I am tired! lol
I hope you guys all have a rocking weekend and please bear with me while my blog sits in ruins, I promise I will get 'er up and running asap!
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:28 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Friday, August 19, 2005
Well, I have rope burn on my wrists and ankles (and not from something fun either!). I am pretty sure that they gagged me with some kind of sock because I have the foulest of foul taste in my mouth, but I am free. Released on my own recognizance, with a probationary period of sixty days. And the fucked up part? I don't even know how in the hell I screwed up my blog so badly. The only thing I changed yesterday was the size of the body and the size of the sidebar because I hate that they are squashed together in the middle of the page. If that was all then -- damn. Doesn't take much to anger the Blogger Gods.
The Elders were patient and only beat me for an hour or so as opposed to the customary ten hours for such a crime. They will have some of their 'spies' checking in on me from time to time to ensure that I do not mess up again.

For those of you who were checking in through out the day during the construction period, I apologize for that ugly maroon thing that was trying to pass as a template here. I was desperate and it was easily available. I promise not to assail your eyes with such horror again. In the end, after hours and hours of trying to redo my blog, I opted for the old template and just added everything back to it - one link at a time. It all took and seems to be back in proper working order so let's hope it stays that way. I mighty scared of what my punishment would be for a second offense.
So let's resume with the nonsensical nonsesce that normally takes place here.
Thanks for your patience and your emails :)
Image hosted by
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 1:47 PM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Notice of Temporary Self-Imposed Blog Exile
We appear to be under some obligation of some sort to inform you that Blogger has decided to implement certain "restrictions" upon Kate. To be more precise she is currently bound at the hands and feet as well as gagged and therefore unable to communicate with you in any way. She will remain as such until this technical problem has been fully remedied. We here at Blogger MegaloCorp will not tolerate such flippant mangling of one's blog. If, by some stroke of luck and browser choice, you are able to read this, it is undoubtedly because you are using an alternative to Internet Exploder as it seems only IE is being affected by Kate's rash and reckless madscientist blog experiments.
We would like to take this moment to remind you that if you are a blogger, you have a certain responsibilty to your viewing public to do so safely. Should you decide to alter your template in any way, please take the time and consideration to actually obtain, through legal channels or purchase using your vast range of credit or acquire through stealthy and roguish thievery, a clue. Should you decide to ignore this advice you will leave us no other choice and we shall Shut. You. Down. "Lots of Craziness" should be functional again by the end of the day if Kate is successful in solving this problem in a timely fashion. Should the issue be larger and more complicated then her technical savvy can handle, then she shall be forced to ask The Ancient and Wise Blogger Elders for a smidgeon of their knowledge, in which case the problem could persist throughout the weekend. If The Ancient and Wise Blogger Elders are unable or unwilling to undo this mess (without the right offerings and sacrifices they can be a bit testy), then Kate's blog will have to be stripped down to the bare essentials and she will have to start over from scratch. We personally would like to note that while this would be a perfect punishment for such imbecility, we wish Kate a happy and speedy return to blog normalcy. Mainly due to the fact we get absolutely no compensation for these Public Service Announcements.
(this announcement was helped along by Grendku Industries, head over there and see what they are up to on The Lair while everything here is being repaired.)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:40 AM
| link to this post | 0 spoke |

Thursday, August 18, 2005
Ok, the school JUST called me! I am to bring Emilee in this afternoon for her testing! They said they won't be able to finish the testing today, but we will have a general idea of where she stands and whether she is ready to be in third grade! OMG, I am soooooo excited!
Now, before everyone thinks that she will be moved up, let me say that this is all based on her and whether she is ready. This is exactly what I wanted though, to give her the chance to try and now we have it!!
Everyone cross your fingers for us :)
(VERY excited Mommy)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:15 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Last days of Summer

Oh man, it's just about over huh? School has already started for so many of you and starts for us on Monday. School!! Seems like school has only been out for a few weeks!
My girls are torn between being sad that Summer is ending and being jazzed about all the new stuff in school this year. Amanda will be starting Student Council (yayayay!) and with any luck (or return calls from the principal), Emilee will be starting third grade with Amanda. Next year, Trin starts pre-k and that will be it. All of my daughters will be in school...
The speedy passing of the Summer is just another reminder of how fast time flies. It reminds me that Amanda will be nine this year and Triniti isn't a baby anymore.
When Amanda was little, I thought it would take forever for every little change. I would watch her sleep and try to see what she would look like when she got big, how she would talk, what kind of person she would be... Now, she will be nine in three months. My baby will be nine. Her last year as a single-digit kid. And it seems like just yesterday that she laughed for the first time and I sat there and smiled and cried because my tiny baby had just laughed at me.
Another Summer, another year... It will be a matter of months before we are thrown back into Winter and with it the end of 2005. I am just constantly amazed at how fast the sand slips through my fingers...
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:57 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Making it work.
I have two friends who have fallen into deep and wonderful love.
But before I go there, let me explain this thing that I do. Whenever two people I know get together, I often try and guess how long it will last and what will break them up. I am usually pretty fucking close. I can tell when it is rebound love or just a bad match. I usually keep this to myself, but as I am getting older I find that when asked I am more likely to tell the asker what I think.
My BF from high school has been dating since she and her husband split up and she will call me and tell me what is going on and I will give her my honest opinion of the guy and of her actions. Another friend (notice how I am not using ANY names, lol) of mine was dating a guy for the last three or four months and I just had a feeling that they were a bad match and when she asked me about it, I told her as much. Nicely, of course. He broke up with her a week ago.
Am I cynical? Well, yeah, but that isn’t why. I have just been in enough shitty situations that I think I have gained some perspective on whether two people are compatible or not. Of course, you could just think I am insane and that is fine ;)
Now, back to my friends. I have these two friends who have fallen in love. They have begun talking long-term plans and arrangements. While I was talking to one of them the other day, I realized that they are going to make it. They both love each other that much. They have the initial hurdles to jump and then it will be smooth sailing for them. I can close my eyes and picture her sitting in his kitchen, the two of them sipping coffee and looking at each other in that way. They are what the other wants in so many ways and more than that, they deserve it. They deserve each other and the happiness that they will each provide to the other.
Still think I am cynical? What I am is envious. I would love to have that thing that they have. That unconditional adoration and ability to mesh so well with one another. You see, in searching and waiting for that person, that other half, you run in to so many people who aren’t him. You think that, with work from both of you, you can get through it. You can force the puzzle pieces together and make that perfect picture. I think that while every relationship involves work and effort from each person you shouldn’t have to force the pieces. They should slide right in comfortably. That’s what my friends have – ease. While their situation isn’t the easiest right now, their ability to love each other and be as patient as possible is. They know that they are it for each other and they know that they can make it work and they know that the rewards awaiting them are worth it all. That is what I envy.
I am predicting a long and happy relationship for them. Congratulations to you both.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:40 AM
| link to this post | 1 spoke |

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I think I know why I can't sleep
I think I have solved my sleeping problem. I am pretty sure it has to do with my newfound addiction to Law & Order. I have become this obsessed chic! I am recording like four episodes a day! I found out that they were doing a marathon for Law & Order SVU on Sunday and I got all excited! How sad is that? lol
The other night I was watching this episode about this guy who broke into chic's houses and stripped them down to panties and a bra then laid them on their stomachs on the ground. He tied their hands together behind their backs and then tied a rope around their left foot. He would tie the same rope attached to the foot around their neck. The chic would have to keep her leg above her back to keep from killing herself. None of these women succeeded. I had to sleep in the girls room.
For those of you who were unaware, I am a chicken shit. I don't watch scary movies. In fact, I was afraid am still afraid of
Freddy Krueger. I had nightmares about him as a child and slept with a teddy bear that my grandmother gave me (to keep him away) until I was fourteen. The teddy bear had a little pocket under his arm to hide something in. (I just tried to find one on ebay and for the first time ever couldn't - wow.) Anyway, to this day I avoid scary movies like the plague. If I watch one on accident, I can't sleep. I get all paranoid.
So, lately, with my over-abundant watching of Law & Order and finding out exactly how many psychos could be out there, I am scared shitless of something happening, of someone breaking in. Rather than lying in bed fantasizing about Matthew McConaughey trying to fall asleep peacefully, I am thinking about whether I should buy a taser and where I would keep it if I did. I realized night before last that I would feel so much safer with another adult in the house. Even when Ruthie lived with me, I felt better. It takes some of the weight off. Maybe I should put an ad in the paper:

NEEDED: One (preferably) large male to sleep on couch.
Your duties will include coming to my house at 9:30 pm
every night and sleeping in my living room so that I can
get a good nights sleep knowing that there is another
adult in the house to fend off the might-be psycho rapists
and or other creepy dudes. It would be great if you didn't
snore but that isn't a must-have.

I have to admit that I miss having a guy in my bed on nights like those. When you are lying there, slightly scared, it is awesome to just have someone put their arms around you and hold you close...

Ok, people, it's Tuesday. What are you scared of?
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:38 AM
| link to this post | 12 spoke |

Monday, August 15, 2005
A chemical experience
This weekend I was doing various household chores, things that had been put off or just need to be done routinely. Amidst the laundry and dishes, mopping and vacuuming, I remembered that I needed to seal the insulation next to the air conditioner I installed in my bedroom. To do this, I was going to grab the trusty Can-o-Foam from the cabinet and simply spray some all around the insulation and wait for it to dry. Can-o-Foam is one of the cooler things invented in my opinion. Spray some gooey shaving cream looking stuff into any crack or crevice you need filled and the stuff dries rock hard. Fucking brilliant.
So, I grab my Can-O-Foam and take it to my bedroom. When I pushed the little button nothing happened. Seemed to tube thingy was clogged. After fifteen minutes of poking various objects into the tube thingy (and seriously considering the warning on the can to use protective eye-wear), I decided to take it off and just use the can like you would a can of whipped cream. I mean, shit, I don’t have time to fuck around with this can all damn day.
So, I went into my room and started to apply the foam around the window. But it wasn’t staying in place where I wanted it to. Frustrated with how a simple chore was taking up so much of my precious cleaning time, I got sloppy. I ended up with quite a bit of the Foam on my hand. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I thought I could just go wash it off with some hot water and soap before it set and it would come right off. It did not. In fact, it became the equivalent of some evil form of bubble gum. Like if bubble gum were an evil super villain. Well the Evil Super Villain was attacking my hands and causing my fingers to stick together. So, I grabbed the Can-o-Foam and started reading the back of it while carefully keeping my fingers from touching each other. Acetone. Apparently acetone would take off the Evil Foam. Well fuck, I knew I didn’t have any, I ran out of nail polish remover the other day… So, wracking my brain, I remembered I had some paint thinner under the sink. Now let me clarify for you all. I don’t use paint thinner. Veronique’s mom gave me the paint thinner and some stain when she gave me the table I love so much. This being said, I am not by any means, a person who would know how to use paint thinner.
So, I grab the paint thinner and open it. I am desperately needing to get the foam off of my hands before it hardens and it is hardening fast. Once I got the child proof cap off (no easy task one handed mind you), I poured the paint thinner over my hand.
Two seconds later I was in hell.
Did you know that for fun paint thinner likes to try and eat the skin off your hands? Oh yeah, it giggles and shit.
Trying not to make some funky girl noise, I turned the sink on and ran my hand under the water.
Did you know that water apparently angers paint thinner?
I quickly pulled my hand out of the flow of water and started blowing on it. Why? Because this is what crazy people do ok?? I grabbed the can and turned it around so I could find out how to get the paint thinner off of my skin before it bore a hole in my hand. There are no less than four chapters of directions on the back of a can of paint thinner. I advise you read them, carefully, should you ever need to use to product. I am trying to scan through to find the “if you get this on your skin” part while blowing on my hand and trying not to cry while saying “ow, ow, ow, ow” over and over again. It was not a pretty sight and I am insanely happy that no one was there to see it.
Finally, I find it. Only, it doesn’t say “if you get this on your skin” it says pretty much that under no circumstances should this product come into contact with your skin. Wear gloves, a suit of armor, whatever, just make sure you don’t get this shit on you. GREAT!!! BUT WHAT IF YOU ALREADY DID?? Fortunately, while I had been distracting myself by reading the encyclopedia on the back of the paint thinner can, the pain had lessened a great deal. Enough for me to run my very pissed off hand under some water and wash away any remnants of the acid I had poured on it a few minutes before.
I dried it off and surveyed the damage. My hand was looked as though it had been stuck into a bucket of glue and then been allowed to harden. Little pieces of Foam were stuck to every hair on my hand and there were chunks of the gooey evil stuff on my nails. Any part of my hand not covered in Foam was red and swollen from the pain thinner. Two of my fingers were numb.
I decided that was just about all the fun I was needing that day and put the Foam and the paint thinner away. I went to check on the insulation and it had dried and was sealed perfectly. This, folks, was another job well done by yours truly.
Happy Monday.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:42 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Saturday, August 13, 2005
come here often?
So, just taking a peek at my stat counter site and I see that someone found my blog by searching on Yahoo Search for "crack addict smoking a sweet rose pipe pictures". Apparently, I am number fourteen for said search...
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:15 PM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

Friday, August 12, 2005
too much thinking at night

He isn't here and he isn't coming. He is somewhere else. He is otherwise engaged so no invitations were extended - nor should they be really. We spoke earlier. So why is it when I climb into my bed and pull the sheets up I will imagine him climbing in with me? I'll long to wake up wrapped in his arms, in his warmth.

I spoke with someone today whom I consider myself very close. I explained and elaborated on the situation and her reply was much like EL's. Stop worrying so much about what could be and just enjoy what is. Stop analyzing what is just what you want less a label. Is this right? Should I just enjoy his company when I have it and stop wanting for more?

8/13 Edited to add: I forget how many of you came after my fiasco with Mr. I. Some background on he and I...

How I met him, the symbol, there are a ton more posts riddled with mentions of him, but those two should cover the basics... Sorry about being all cryptic ;)

Labels: ,

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 11:27 PM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Stole it from Sandra

You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

Sex God


A Slave To BDSM


A Romantic




How are you in bed
created with

Hey hey hey! Sex God! How bitchin is that?? You'd think I would get laid a helluva lot more ;) What about you guys??


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:29 PM
| link to this post | 12 spoke |

something worth mentioning
I know that this may come as a horrifying surprise to you all, but I have a tendency to read geek sites. By geek, of course, I mean You say 'geek', I say 'really fucking cool'. I love Gizmodo and also Popgadget... Gizmodo covers pretty much anything in the technological world and Popgadget highlights things geared towards chics. Both are fun, funny and to the point.
Now, don't get me wrong here, I am not all hardcore and shit. I can't have in depth conversation about which flash player is better or whether you should buy the new Treo. I am more of a look-at-the-pictures kind of girl. If I see something cool on there, I'll read about it then let my mouth fall open when I see the price. After I have drooled and gasped, I file it in the folder in my brain labeled "Stuff to buy on ebay in three years." But, every once in awhile, I run across something truly cool that I think about buying sooner (say six months, when the market has decreased and they have their first sale). Today was one of those days.
Now, with me having three daughters, I am already into the world of "Mommy, when can I have a cell phone?" This cracks me up when my girls ask because when I was about four years older than either of them, I just wanted my own phone line in my room. Cell phones were still so expensive and... big. My parents didn't have one and the lust for one was never really present. I was even late getting one last year since everyone and their grandmother's dog seemed to be chatting on theirs in public while I still saddled up to the pay phone should the need to call home arise.
These days, my eight year old is asking me when she can have one. Why in the hell would she need a cell phone? She barely uses the home phone. She has yet to hit that point of wanting to talk to all of her friends all the time. I am so dreading that time - when parental controls have to be set up for the internet and cell phone minutes have to be carefully tabulated. I know I did it. I was on our home phone for hours and hours and hours. I was very girl that way. In fact... kind of still am.
Ok, but I got waaaaaaaaayy off course here. The reason for this entire rant was merely so I could plug a cool phone I saw on Gizmodo. The
This is exactly the kind of phone I intend to get my daughters when they reach an age where I feel they are responsible enough to own one.

The hype:
*Safety, Fun & Learning
*Makes calls only to approved phone numbers
*Receives calls only from approved phone numbers
*Monitors minutes used
*Allows parent to reward child with additional minutes
*Enables interactive text messages from parent
*Sends personalized reminders
*Five educational games from LeapFrog

Anyway, I thought it was cool :)

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:57 AM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Thursday, August 11, 2005
Tagged - by Liz
1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

Wow, just three? Certainly I could think of like fifty...
I did shots of tequila and hot damn one night playing quarters and I passed out on the floor, when I woke up, I had puked in my own hair. Fucking gross.
I ran into a truck once on 410 because I looked down to change the radio and wasn't paying attention. Totaled the front of my Mazda.
In the car I have now, I have ran out of oil and gas. When I ran out of gas it was right next to my job - I will never live that down. When I ran out of oil, I had the pleasure of explaining the clicking noise to my mother and friend, both of whom thought I was an idiot.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

My daughters. They always have the most influence over the decisions I make and the life we lead.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?

*My grandfather
*Matthew McConaughey
*Rob Thomas
*(I know this is cheating but bite me) My daughters, grown up

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

Ok, WTF. Define supernatural?? lol I am going with three wishes. Period. I would wish that I could have the time I want to see my daughters grow up. It is infinitely important to me to see them all turn into functioning and happy adults. I would wish that Veronique had never gotten on that bike. I would wish to be financially stable for the rest of my life.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Ok, this is a weird fucking question... I don't live in San Antonio, so I am technically not in the city... I can't think of anything San Antonio doesn't have. Friendlier people? Yeah. And cheaper gas. lol Things people should avoid... The Zoo. Yeah, I am weird, sue me. I hate the zoo, it is depressing. And the Northwest side of the city where I-10 meets 410, horrid traffic.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

If I could only name one, I will name the first one. Having Amanda changed my life. The day she was born, I became a mom and that forever changed me and the way I thought and the way I would live from then on.

7. Tag 3 people.

Jiffinner :P haha!
Malcolm just returning the favor ;)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:26 AM
| link to this post | 0 spoke |

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Just a little chaos
This evening, while I was doing laundry, my daughters were taking their baths. We pretty much have this down to a science. Amanda will get in first with Trin and then when Amanda is through, Emilee gets in. Triniti loves the bath so she will stay in there for two hours if you let her. When Triniti was finished, I got her dried off and then let her sit down to watch tv sans diaper (that whole potty training thing). I took some clothes outside, put them in the washer, folded the clothes in the dryer, smoked a cigarette and finished wiping down the windows inside my car (I finally got the whole car cleaned out this afternoon - two gold stars thankyouveryfuckingmuch). When I came back in, Triniti ran up to me with her towel.... which was dripping wet. I thought she wanted me to wrap her up in it, so I went to get another. One step into the hallway and I was in standing water. Standing water that was five feet from the bathroom. Oh fuck.
As it turns out, Triniti went back into the bathroom and turned the water to the tub back on. She wasn't wet, so she never got back in the bath. Just started the water and then wandered off to watch the damn Doodlebops. The entire bathroom floor had more than an inch of water on it, the hallway was the same and water had started going into my room and the living room which are closest to the bathroom. Apparently my house is slanty because water ran down the hallway, but not up it...
It was one of those moments where you want to scream. Partly at your child for doing something like that, but mostly at yourself for not paying close enough attention. I of course was griping at Trin as I started to mop up the gallons of water on the floor. She smiled at me and went and got on the potty. She said "look Mommy - peepee in the potty". Little fucker, I so had to tell her "yay!" She's good.
Major points to my girls. All three of them were on the floor scooping water into a bucket and then sopping it up with towels and ringing it out into the tub. I didn't even have to ask, they all did it on their own, said something about it being fun. Even Trin, with her washrag, soaked up the water and squeezed it into the bucket.
Some days being a Mom fucking kicks so much ass. LOL
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 11:27 PM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

it's raining but you can call me
Woke up this morning and thought it was a little dark outside and that maybe something was wrong with my alarm. I decided to ignore it and just get in the shower. Got out, got the girls dressed, everyone's hair brushed, teeth, shoes.... then I heard this noise. This loud booming noise. Now, for those of you who haven't been here since the very beginning, I live next door to a diesel mechanic's shop. So, I am used to loud noises at 5am. I ignored the first one, but the second one was definitely thunder. Thunder? In August? Hmmmmm.
Now, for those of you who don't know me, I don't watch the news. I don't watch the weather, I never have any fucking idea what the temperature will be tomorrow. Seeing as how I live smack dab in the middle of Texas, I can usually assume it will be hot. Other days it will be humid and hot, and some days it will be so fucking hot you will wish you didn't have to wear clothes. That's pretty much our temperature gauge here. Humid, Hot, and Fucking Hot. And any combination of the three.
So, imagine my surprise when I suddenly hear rain. Not just rain, mind you, but the rain that pounds your roof and makes you wonder if it is even safe to go outside. I went to the window to make sure I wasn't hallucinating and the trees are blowing like crazy. I told the girls to change out of their flip flops and into tennis shoes. Then we stalled. Trying to wait for a break in the fucking hurricane going on outside so we could get into the car without being drenched. One never came. Finally I told the girls I would go pull the car up real close to the door and they would have to just hurry. Parked four feet from my front door, trying to hold the umbrella over my daughters while they jumped from step to seat, I got soaked.

It's raining. A lot.

Had my cell phone turned off a few days ago. Had a lot to do with Ruthie and I going something like 500 minutes over our shared plan. Yeah. I know. Ouch. Anyway, I new it would be off Monday and Tuesday because my check doesn't hit the bank until Wednesday. So today I am having it turned back on and I have to admit that I am kind of bummed. I had forgotten how nice it is to not have to answer your phone every where. I went shopping without it ringing, I got to listen to the radio on my way home without that really great song getting interrupted when my cell started vibrating. I was out of the loop. Even at home, I didn't have to answer my home phone because no one knew if I was there. It was liberating. But impractical. So, paid it this morning and by lunch I should be back in the loop for those of you who have been waiting to call me :)

Ok, going to go work now.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:21 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Word from Italy...
So, I checked my mail yesterday and was doing the whole "junk, junk, bill, junk, bill, bill..." thing when I came across something that wasn't from someone trying to get money from me. A postcard. But not just any postcard, no, a postcard from Lola! In Italy!



Lola - should you get really bored and happen to stop by my blog, I MISS YOU!! And I hope you are having SOOOO much fun :)
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:59 AM
| link to this post | 4 spoke |

Tuesday, August 09, 2005
my new hair

(more [read: better] pics to come)
What do you guys think??
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 2:52 PM
| link to this post | 8 spoke |

Monday, August 08, 2005
Sad Music Mode today…
It’s not that I am sad per se, but rather that I did something stupid. I fucked up. I let myself believe whatever I needed to believe long enough to agree and then… consequences be damned.
Me, the epitome of nonchalance, the queen of letting it just roll of my shoulders… It’s been too long for it to affect me, for me to feel anything any more. I was cured. I was free from it. I was convinced that I just wanted something physical for a few minutes. Just to have someone put their hands on my back, in my hair. To have someone say the things I wanted to hear even if only for mere moments…
It started with the movie. Do you want to go? Sure, the girls and I are going if you want to meet us there. He sat by me, arms touching. Just touching was enough. The feel of his arm on mine, the way he laughed with me. Then, he walked Emilee to the bathroom. He took my daughter to the bathroom because he wanted to make sure she was ok. Then it was just some food, just grab the girls something to eat at McDonald’s. Do you want to come? You do? That would be great. And it was. He bought them ice cream and played basketball with them. He kept me company and made me smile, made me laugh. And he asked them things and made them smile and made them laugh.
When he left, I knew I couldn’t call. I couldn’t speak to him because he had found my Achilles heel. He had made me want him again by just being himself and being near me. I couldn’t call him, couldn’t talk to him because I wouldn’t just give in, I’d ask. So, I put my phone in the other room and went out side to sit on the trunk of my car and smoke and think about the way his hands feel when they encircle my back, the way he puts them right above my hips, the way he smells. I sat outside and tried to bring all the pain back, all the pieces of my heart that he had broken by not wanting me enough. Where was it? I couldn’t find it.
Then Amanda came outside and handed me my phone. It’s him. This guy that can make my day great simply by being in it, simply by making me smile because he knows me that well. Things were said, but my mind was wandering to places unrelated to the discussion. Then I said something.. or he did… and he was on his way. We’ll watch a movie, that’s all. That’s what we said. Just a movie. I stayed where I was. Sitting on my car, looking at the stars, smoking my cigarettes. And then he was there. We spoke of things I can’t remember now and laughed. And then, before we could even get inside, I stood too close. I reached for my phone and my lighter, but I was close enough that he could reach out and hold me and then there was his mouth, his lips, his tongue. It was all there and it was all that it had been before. All the heat and sweetness and feelings. I was falling right into him – again.
No movie, no pretenses. Just that heat and my mind was gone. Rational thoughts were gone, any thoughts were gone. And his hands were there, where I wanted them. On my back, on my skin, in my hair. And the kisses took my breath away with my thoughts. My blood was surging and it wasn’t just the physical thing anymore that I had wanted, it wasn’t just the roll in the hay. It was him. It is him. He could have never stopped touching me and I would have been happy.
So much time later, skin damp with sweat and breathless, wrapped in his arms, in his smell, I only had one thought.
I was so glad I hadn’t said I loved him out loud.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:53 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Delicate - Damien Rice
We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 8:15 AM
| link to this post | 2 spoke |

first snippet
This conversation took place between myself and the cashier at McDonald's yesterday:

"Hi, Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order." It was immediately obvious to me that this young man was v-e-r-y feminine.
"Yeah, hi. I need a parfait, a sundae and two cones."
"Ok, sure. Your total is three fifty five. By the way, has anyone every told you that your hair color and your complexion look just awesome together?"
Me - laughing - "thank you."
Then, he looks over at Emilee and says "Does your sister want anything?"
One of my eyebrows shoots up. "My daughter."
"Shut up! At twenty one?"
"Twenty five."
"No way. Not possible."
"You are way too sweet."
Billabong, I have found you a match my dear ;)
I am convinced that the world needs more guys like this dude at McDonald's.

Amanda comes running up to the table where a friend of mine and I are sitting at McDonald's and says, "Mommy! There's a boy in there [the kid's play area] and he keeps telling me he can see my underwear!"
My friend says, "tell him you can see his future and it was at the counter."

Ok, I promise, I will have more later. And it is worth waiting for ;)
And I am sorry I haven't written much, but this is why.
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:54 AM
| link to this post | 3 spoke |

Sunday, August 07, 2005
they think I am hopeless, lol
I had plans on Thursday night to go out with a friend of mine for a few games of pool and a drink. I came home and fed the girls and then went and changed. When I came back out, Amanda asked me "Mommy, is this a date?"
I laughed a little and told her no, it was not. That he was just a friend.
Then Emilee says "Mamma, you need a date."
"Why do I need a date baby?"
Emilee looked at Amanda and then said "because if you don't go on any dates, then you'll never get married and find us a new father."
Now, I know many people don't agree with me, but I am not really interested in coddling my daughters in this respect. I don't think that they are missing out on anything. They have everything needed to create a happy and healthy childhood. I have told them before that they are lucky to have what they have and I stand by that. There are a lot of children in abusive households, children without food, and most importantly children who aren't wanted and loved. Just because their father is an absolute idiot doesn't mean that they need a new one. These are the cards that they were dealt so I have no intention of running out and shopping for a new 'daddy'. If and when I do get together with someone else it will be because I love him and he is good for all of us. Not to fill some alleged empty spot in our family.
I smiled at them and told them that I wasn't in any hurry to get married but thanks anyway. They looked at each other and rolled their eyes as they often do when we have this little chat. I am just the uncooperative mom that doesn't date for their entertainment. I never have. Since the day that NY walked out my door, my daughters have never seen me dating a man. I turned to walk out of the room and Amanda says, almost under her breath, "if she waits much longer then all the good ones will be gone."
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:37 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Friday, August 05, 2005
"Mommy, I have a question," Emilee said.
"Sure baby, what is it?" I asked.
"If dinosaurs were alive, could we see them in China?"
I thought about this for a minute and figured if they were alive, then yes, they would probably be in China as well as anywhere else.
"Yeah, honey, if dinosaurs were alive, I guess there would be some in China and you could go see them..."
"No, Mommy, I mean could you see them in China from here?"
Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't laugh.
"No, baby, you couldn't see anything in China from here."
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:48 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!

12/14/84 - 1/26/05

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"



Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa



Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!

Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
katehopeeden's photos More of katehopeeden's photos

That cracked my shit up! TM

Kate went to Dallas?

You asked Kate questions?

Kate was stung by a Scorpion?

Kate met Mr. I?

Kate got pissed?

There was a mouse?

Kate shared?

Kate confessed?

Kate turned 25?

Kate shared some more?

"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal

"I LOVE inner monologues. They rock!"
-Hot Toddy


The Gym

Morning Monologue

RHBlogger 2nd runner

sizzling RH 05

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