Before - 8:36pm
He wants to come over. He called me earlier and said as much. I'll let him. I have no urge to tell him no as I did before. I'll let him come over because when he asks, I still get those butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation. I'll let him come over because when he touches my skin, my entire body will wake up. I'll let him come over because he will make me smile and laugh. I'll let him come over because he makes me feel more alive and wanted and somehow appreciated. Because he manages to look at me that way and wake up that girl on the inside who is usually asleep and content.
I know he will touch my hair and my back and my arms... and when he kisses me, the world will fade as though it were never more than a reflection in a pond. The waves from the kiss will simply shimmer the picture into something incomprehensible. That's how I feel when I am around him, like I am looking at a picture in a disrupted pool of water. I keep turning it and turning it and I am unable to make out the picture from any angle.
After - 1:46am
He's gone. We were laying there afterwards and he said he had some song stuck in his head... I dozed off and when I woke a few minutes later, I had a song stuck in my head too. I am too tired to look it up right now but it goes something like this "That boy's just a walk away Joe, born to be a leaver, tell you from the word go, destined to deceive her, he's the wrong kind of paradise, she's gonna realize in a matter of time, that boy's just a walk away Joe..." Odd since I don't listen to country...
When I first realized I cared about him, I used to look for little signs that he might care about me too. If I were still looking for them, tonight would have been a night full of signs. He held me. He put his arms around me several times after, while I was lying there nodding off. He kept trailing his hand up and down my back, kissed my shoulder, my forehead. I fell asleep, only for a few minutes, wrapped in his arms.
I have to be so careful. When he and I are lying there and he kisses me - not that deep kiss or even that kiss that is meant to draw you out and into each other, just the brush of his lips on mine - I have to mentally say to myself 'Kate, don't say anything'. I know how close I am, the words are forming and ready to spill out and I have to push them back into my heart and lock them back up.
I was so nervous waiting for him to get here... that kind of nervous where you can't sit still so you bounce your leg, or pace back and forth.
Yet, we are so beyond comfortable with each other. We can lay there, naked, and talk about whatever and there is no self consciousness.
So, what am I feeling, how do I feel? That was the purpose of this little experiment for me. To see how I felt before and then after. I feel sleepy and anxious and relaxed. I am not bummed that he didn't spend the night. I would have liked to have had him there, with his arms around me all night, but that doesn't appear to be what we do. I don't feel used. He was very sweet tonight, more so than he has ever been before, so I feel a little surprised - but not enough to try and overanalyze it, at least not right now.
To be honest, I think I have stopped expecting anything more than this. I have given up on he and I ever being more than this. So it seems that it will just be a matter of time before I burn out and move on or he does. If he wanted more with me, I think he would have said something by now. By his silence I am forced to assume that he is content with our current arrangement.
I care about him a great deal and I enjoy his company and our friendship. I was lying there tonight thinking of all of the ways he has stimulated my mind and of all the questions he has asked me about life and the world and people and everything and all of the thinking it made me do. He has had such an influence on me this last year, made me think about things I probably wouldn't have and I hope that I have done the same for him in some ways. And he always makes me laugh. That seems to be all for now and I guess that's ok...
I am going to bed! I am tired! lol
I hope you guys all have a rocking weekend and please bear with me while my blog sits in ruins, I promise I will get 'er up and running asap!
~K
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
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Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
free
Notice of Temporary Self-Imposed Blog Exile
UPDATE!!!
Last days of Summer
Making it work.
I think I know why I can't sleep
A chemical experience
come here often?
too much thinking at night
Stole it from Sandra
Notice of Temporary Self-Imposed Blog Exile
UPDATE!!!
Last days of Summer
Making it work.
I think I know why I can't sleep
A chemical experience
come here often?
too much thinking at night
Stole it from Sandra
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
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Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
