Almost four years ago, I had a job that I loved. It was one of the few times in my life that I felt complete. It was short-lived. My relationship with NY came to a screeching halt during this time. But before that, before he admitted his betrayals and before he recounted his proclamation that he loved me, before someone stirred the drink that is my life back up, everything seemed so good, so round, so complete...
I was working at a place for incarcerated teenaged moms. I have no idea how I got the job. I answered an ad or got referred or something equally small. I called and then faxed my resume and had no idea what I was interviewing for when I drove the hour out of San Antonio towards Austin. When I got there, I met a man we'll call Mike. Mike sat me down in his office and explained to me what this place did. In short it was a ranch. It had on it's premises a school, a daycare, a kitchen and cafeteria, many various offices and a bunk house. At any given time we had up to twelve girls and their children. All of the girls were transferred to us from kiddie jails. All of these girls were in trouble. All of them had kids.
He didn't want an answer yet he said. First, let me take you over there, let you meet the girls. It was an evening on a weekend and the girls were watching a Disney movie in the TV room with their children. I walked into this room in my "interview clothes", into a room with twelve 'underprivileged' girls. I felt like an asshole. They were all very standoffish. None of them wanted to talk to me, I was an outsider, some girl in a nice suit who felt sorry for them. They had no idea that I had been them. No, I hadn't ever been locked up, but I had been them at some point in time. I wanted to reach out and hug them, each of them and tell them that they would make it, that they could survive and that there was so much hope and promise. I wanted to do something.
I started my way around the room introducing myself, asking about their kids (ranging from newborn to three years old), offering advice and talking them about my kids. About thirty minutes later, they had loosened up because they could relate to me, because I was them. An hour after I met the girls, Mike took me back to his office. We sat down and he asked me what I thought. I tried very hard not to, but I cried. I told him that I wanted the job. I didn't realize it until I was half way home; I hadn't been brought in and hired because of my past job experience. I had been brought in because I was a mom and I had been hired because I had been a teen mom.
When you are pregnant at fifteen years old, you become a stereotype, a box checked on a statistical sheet. The odds are against you succeeding and even more so against your children becoming anything while in your care. It is a horrible pretense to throw on a new mother, especially one who is that young. You drop out of school when you can't go an hour in the morning without throwing up. You struggle to get your GED because you can't get a job without it. And you find out that you can't get a job with it either. I was all grown up on the inside and still a child on the outside. No one sees how much you love your kids, no one sees the ideals you have set for yourself, for your children's futures. They just see another kid who fucked up, got knocked up and who will raise their taxes being supported by the state. They don't smile at you when you have your baby in the store and say how cute they are. Instead they whisper when you walk by and try and guess how old you are and whether that is you child or your sibling.
It's hard, almost impossible, to feel like you are doing a good job even when you are because the initial mistake of getting knocked up is forever hanging over your head. Most run away from it, run away from those who know you, start over somewhere new. I ran away. I ran away with AZ to any place he wanted to take me. And when I came back to the town I had went to highschool in with Amanda when she was five months old, I was reminded. I was reminded by the stares and the pointing. I was reminded of why I left in the first place.
So you see, I knew them. I knew that it was so hard and so defeating to have everyone KNOW that you will fail, know that you will fuck your kid up. No matter how much you believed that you were a good mom, that you were making the right choice, no one had your back, no one helped you or believe in you. I wanted to help them and I believed in everyone of them. Over the next few months I would learn all of their stories. I learned about how fucked up their parents were, about how they had gotten pregnant, about their pasts. But more than that, I learned about their futures, what they wanted for their children, themselves. And when these girls left, they were changed. They had confidence and more than that, hope.
This was one of the few times in my life where I felt like everything I was doing in my life was good, everything had meaning. My home life was good, my job was rewarding and fulfilling, my daughters were happy. I felt whole, complete. Everything fell apart soon after. NY said he had never loved me, then admitted to cheating. I decided to leave him and he hit me. I sent my kids away for the first and only time in their lives. They were gone for three weeks and I missed them so much I thought I would die. And as soon as I had everything packed and was going to leave, I found out I was pregnant with Trin. The long and short of it is that when I was two months pregnant, they had to let me go. The girls were considered dangerous and we had a few outbursts while I worked there. I was a liability.
I was sad for a long time afterwards. I felt like I wasn't giving everything I had to give. I tried to volunteer at places where these girls go, but I was continuously rejected based on my religious preferences. (I am Agnostic and most places that offer counseling are Christian or similar.) It killed me that I couldn't do anything, that there are all of these girls out there who need that shoulder, that support and who don't have it. I still miss it.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
The First Day Of School
A little experiment...
free
Notice of Temporary Self-Imposed Blog Exile
UPDATE!!!
Last days of Summer
Making it work.
I think I know why I can't sleep
A chemical experience
come here often?
A little experiment...
free
Notice of Temporary Self-Imposed Blog Exile
UPDATE!!!
Last days of Summer
Making it work.
I think I know why I can't sleep
A chemical experience
come here often?
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
