I was bitch-slapped back into reality tonight by one of my very close friends (one whom I love so so much and I am not at all upset with after this conversation -just so you know babe-). All of my other friends have been indulging my fantasies about him, letting that tiny glimmer of hope I have in regards to him flicker.
She took a deep breath and blew the tiny flame...
"he's not secretly in love with you hiding his feelings behind a girlfriend he doesn't actually like"
another breath...
"he's fucking you and bringing her home to mom"
-cringe-
"and he may be sweet to you at times but over all he's a total asshole"
-ouch-
"and sometimes you love someone who treats you so badly over and over again.... but in the end what price is your soul? what price are you?"
Oh, it stings... What's the saying? Oh yeah - the truth hurts.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't help the way I feel about him... But, does it matter when he reciprocates none of it? I have put every ounce of myself out there and he is just leaning back on the railing watching me teeter. I've fallen before and he never caught me, he just stood there and watched me smack the ground.
No pretenses.
There hasn't ever been anything solid. Never any commitments, never any promises. Nothing spoken to make me believe that he feels anything for me. So why do I believe that he does? I am not naive enough to think that sex equals love. I have never assumed, even once, that because I was having one that the other was in tow. So, why do I know that he does feel for me? Why do I believe that he is holding back? If I am so wrong about this then my intuition must really be in the shitter because I feel this with him so much...
"tell him you cant do this... that its not fair to you... get mad at him, he is fucking you... just stop, let it go, let it end, and actually mourn the end, dont wait for it to start up again... it's over, it needs to be over..."
I cried. I stood outside holding my cigarette and just cried and I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. Is it his fault that I was crying? No. I can't blame him for the fact that I continuously put myself in this place. He is little more than the steps I climb to get to this place. But I cried. God, I put myself here. I am willingly spiraling to this awful sadness. And why? Because I have some Nora Roberts fucking delusion of grandeur that he is going to pull into my driveway and declare his un-fucking-dying love for me? And we will just live happily ever after? What in the hell am I smoking? When did I start to believe that those happy endings are real?
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Sunday morning coffee...
bad for my Karma
MUSIC
From my sister...
I can date your son...
Stolen from Cliff Stern
half a bottle of wine
sometimes I miss the good
The First Day Of School
A little experiment...
bad for my Karma
MUSIC
From my sister...
I can date your son...
Stolen from Cliff Stern
half a bottle of wine
sometimes I miss the good
The First Day Of School
A little experiment...
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
