Lots of craziness: Sunday morning coffee...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Sunday morning coffee...

First of all, let me apologize to whomever it was that found my site by searching for "beautiful naked teen"...
Secondly, wow, you guys have gotten a post every day this week! Let me just pat myself on the back here for a second. :P
Now, two seconds after the patting has stopped, lets get to the dirt. Yesterday's post and last nights company really made me think about the fact that a large chunk of my hesitancy towards dating comes from the fact that I already like someone - a lot. I mean, I am practically in the exact dating situation I want to be in... almost anyway. I see him about once a week, he calls me almost every day just to talk and I don't have to deal with all that jealous, overbearing crap. After a year, he still manages to stimulate my mind and my body...
I took most of ya'll's advice and just went with what was happening and didn't ask questions or over analyze (much). And last week, when he was here, I told you guys how hard it was for me to lay there next to him, wrapped in him, and not tell him how I was feeling. Last night it was the same so rather then lay there and just push everything back in, I got up and went outside to smoke. He was dozing anyway so I figured he would just fall asleep and I would come back in a little less on edge.
But, when I stepped outside, I just started to cry. Do you know that no one has made me cry since Veronique died? Yeah, I have cried since then, but mostly for her or because something in a movie set me off. But I haven't felt anything that much this year I guess. So, I just started to cry and then I thought if I just get it out, I'll be ok. So, I did. Then I smoked and then I went back inside, completely composed. When I went into my room though, he wasn't there. When I went into the living room he was sitting on my couch dressed and ready to go. When I walked in, I was just hoping he hadn't came over to the door, pleading with the Karma Gods that he had just gotten dressed and was about to come outside when I walked in. No such luck. I said something silly about him having freaked me out by not being in the room, laughed a little. Then I sat down and he waited a few seconds and then took my hand and asked if I was ok. Yeah, yeah, I am totally fine and then smile. But I am not a fucking idiot ok? He wouldn't have asked if he didn't know. A minute passes, maybe two and then he says "this isn't healthy for you is it?" I took my hand back and sighed. We went back into my room and laid down on the bed. I thought you were asleep when I went outside. He has his hand on my arm, my arm that he is stroking is draped over his chest.
I tell him the truth and I am hating myself as the words are leaving my lips. I tell him how it goes against my grain to just keep everything I feel for him inside. He says we could stop (again). I tell him we have this conversation about once every three months. And that it isn't the sex that makes me have feelings for him, it is him. The rest of the conversation doesn't matter because there wasn't a thing that was resolved. We got up and went outside and talked for about thirty minutes. The awkwardness floated away (for me anyway) and we were just us, just talking. Then he left.
This isn't what I wanted to do. My whole air of nonchalance was shot to hell and back and hell again. I hate that I am the only one with anything on the line, with any of my cards showing. One of you told me this morning that the ball is in his court now but the funny thing is that it is always in his court. He never throws it back, he just keeps them. He has all the balls, all the cards. (Hey, but I have all of the sports analogies right??? lol)
I have never been so out of it like this before. I have always had an innate ability to steer guys, steer situations, steer relationships right to where I wanted them or didn't want them as the case may be. I have always known which buttons to push to be where I wanted to be with a guy. I don't even know where his buttons are let alone which ones to push. And I can't do anything. I am a sitting duck. I have tried not sleeping with him, I have tried not seeing him, I even stopped talking to him once for a month. None of those things made it any better. In fact the latter of the three made it worse. I want this guy in my life, I just wish I could get past wanting him as more than a friend.
Although, I am sure after last night his ass is going to be scared shitless about seeing me again, lol. Crying seems to do that to guys.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:07 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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Mandalay - Insensible

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