It’s not that I am sad per se, but rather that I did something stupid. I fucked up. I let myself believe whatever I needed to believe long enough to agree and then… consequences be damned.
Me, the epitome of nonchalance, the queen of letting it just roll of my shoulders… It’s been too long for it to affect me, for me to feel anything any more. I was cured. I was free from it. I was convinced that I just wanted something physical for a few minutes. Just to have someone put their hands on my back, in my hair. To have someone say the things I wanted to hear even if only for mere moments…
It started with the movie. Do you want to go? Sure, the girls and I are going if you want to meet us there. He sat by me, arms touching. Just touching was enough. The feel of his arm on mine, the way he laughed with me. Then, he walked Emilee to the bathroom. He took my daughter to the bathroom because he wanted to make sure she was ok. Then it was just some food, just grab the girls something to eat at McDonald’s. Do you want to come? You do? That would be great. And it was. He bought them ice cream and played basketball with them. He kept me company and made me smile, made me laugh. And he asked them things and made them smile and made them laugh.
When he left, I knew I couldn’t call. I couldn’t speak to him because he had found my Achilles heel. He had made me want him again by just being himself and being near me. I couldn’t call him, couldn’t talk to him because I wouldn’t just give in, I’d ask. So, I put my phone in the other room and went out side to sit on the trunk of my car and smoke and think about the way his hands feel when they encircle my back, the way he puts them right above my hips, the way he smells. I sat outside and tried to bring all the pain back, all the pieces of my heart that he had broken by not wanting me enough. Where was it? I couldn’t find it.
Then Amanda came outside and handed me my phone. It’s him. This guy that can make my day great simply by being in it, simply by making me smile because he knows me that well. Things were said, but my mind was wandering to places unrelated to the discussion. Then I said something.. or he did… and he was on his way. We’ll watch a movie, that’s all. That’s what we said. Just a movie. I stayed where I was. Sitting on my car, looking at the stars, smoking my cigarettes. And then he was there. We spoke of things I can’t remember now and laughed. And then, before we could even get inside, I stood too close. I reached for my phone and my lighter, but I was close enough that he could reach out and hold me and then there was his mouth, his lips, his tongue. It was all there and it was all that it had been before. All the heat and sweetness and feelings. I was falling right into him – again.
No movie, no pretenses. Just that heat and my mind was gone. Rational thoughts were gone, any thoughts were gone. And his hands were there, where I wanted them. On my back, on my skin, in my hair. And the kisses took my breath away with my thoughts. My blood was surging and it wasn’t just the physical thing anymore that I had wanted, it wasn’t just the roll in the hay. It was him. It is him. He could have never stopped touching me and I would have been happy.
So much time later, skin damp with sweat and breathless, wrapped in his arms, in his smell, I only had one thought. I was so glad I hadn’t said I loved him out loud.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Delicate - Damien Rice
first snippet
they think I am hopeless, lol
dinosaurs
shit that gets on my nerves
Soul Searching
"What's a turd?"
Today is my wonderful co-worker's twenty third bir...
I'm there
I used to have insomnia...
first snippet
they think I am hopeless, lol
dinosaurs
shit that gets on my nerves
Soul Searching
"What's a turd?"
Today is my wonderful co-worker's twenty third bir...
I'm there
I used to have insomnia...
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
