That place... you know, the one that you keep yourself too busy to go to. When you are scheduling errands and play dates and barbecues and work and groceries and gymnastics and phone calls and birthday parties and... well, you get the idea... anyway, when you are scheduling all of those things and then you suddenly realize you are done. Everything has been scheduled, everything has been done. You are caught up. You have completed all of the things you needed to complete. You can stop. You can sit down and do nothing for a little while. You can take a break and breathe.
I used to crave this time. This few weeks of unscheduled sanity, when the girls and I could head to the coast or watch movies or catch up on whatever we are reading or lay in the grass and wait for butterflies... whatever. It was free time, the end of Summer. The only real time to enjoy Summer. Those few precious weeks when you can sit back and realize that the end of Summer had come and it was yours to soak up and enjoy before it ended and the monotony of responsibilities were back for us all. Before homework and sports and Student Council and friends... before it was all back.
And instead of enjoying it, instead of relishing these last few weeks of freedom, I am hating it. I am loathing the every free second I have because I don't want that time alone with myself, with my thoughts, with any of it. I am trying in vain to make myself incessantly busy and to no avail. I worked seven hours of overtime this week and wanted more, I want to bury myself, my thoughts, in work so I don't have to be alone with them. I want to run around to a hundred different places and run a thousand different errands, if only to keep myself too busy to notice that picture. I want house work and homework and yard work so I don't have to remember that one time when...
But, I don't have anything to do. I am caught up with everything at home, with friends, with the girls, with everything. And pushing for any more busy time will just make me miss out on being home and I can't do that to the girls. So here I am. I have reorganized closets and toy boxes and cabinets. I have rearranged furniture and books and shelves. I have dusted and scrubbed and painted. I have went through old clothes and organized dressers. I have taken my vacuum apart and vacuumed every part of the house.
My check book has been balanced to the day for weeks, I don't forget things when I leave the house anymore nor do I forget things that the girls need. Our winter clothes are bagged up in the closet, movies are alphabetized, sheets and blankets and spare sheets and blankets are washed and folded and put away. Emails are all returned, folders on my PC are all organized, phone calls to people I forget to call are made.
Everything is done. And some of it even redone.
All the sand has finally made its way through the hour glass and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal. I can't sleep. Is this what everyone meant? Is this where it was all headed? Thinking I had everything under control until I realized that I do actually have everything under control yet nothing is under my control at all?
My room is clean, but there, mixed in with my clothes and my pictures and my room is her stuff. Her clothes, her shoes, her nic-nacs, her letters, her makeup, her... just her. I don't ever not think about her. All day. Her picture on my desk has a recording of the voicemail from her cell phone. I can't listen to it. I don't have to because simply looking at her picture is enough.
I guess I thought surrounding myself with her things would cause me to build up an immunity to the power they have over me and yet it doesn't. It still hurts just as much to look at her smiling at me and know that is as close as I will ever be to seeing that smile again. To read the post card that she sent me that is sitting on my dresser and know that is as close to a conversation as I will ever get again. To open that bag of clothes and know that smell is the closest I will ever get to hugging her again.
Is this why I can't sleep? Because I am finally finished catching up... I am caught up now and I have to face myself again. I have to be alone sometimes again. Painfully alone.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
I used to have insomnia...
I am bummed...
To Earthward
My only wish.
I have a new addiction.
too soon
the end
Ten thousand hits. I am speechless.
my weekend highlights
Interview with a Blogger
I am bummed...
To Earthward
My only wish.
I have a new addiction.
too soon
the end
Ten thousand hits. I am speechless.
my weekend highlights
Interview with a Blogger
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
