Maybe it is too soon, maybe it is morbid, maybe I am paranoid... but even with all the 'maybes' out there, I can't help it. Veronique's death shone a huge spot light on how close death can be to me. I could be all noble and brave and shit and say that when my time comes it comes and no amount of worrying will change that. But the fact is that I am mortified of dying. Not because of me so much, but because of my girls. I am it for them.
Their fathers range from nonexistent to barely keeping in contact. And the thought of something happening to me and my girls being shipped off to where ever in one of the most emotional times in their lives scares the ever loving shit out of me.
Even if my family were to have some or all of the custody, I am unsatisfied.
You see, dear reader, I pride myself in the fact that I am good parent. When I do leave this world that is all I want to leave behind, anything else is just a bonus. I want my daughters to look back and say "she was the best mom". That is all. I don't need anything else. I don't have to be remembered as the best anything else. So, you see, this is where my attention is focused, this is where my drive to succeed comes from. I am nothing with out them. I would sacrifice my life for any one of my daughters on any day, with out a second thought.
But what if I am gone? Who else would do that for them? Who else would be that person who would love them so unconditionally and so unselfishly and so completely? Who would sit down with them and discuss their lives and their feelings and their fears and honestly care with all that they have if not me? Who else will watch them sleep and brush their hair away as they think there is nothing more beautiful on this planet? Who else will laugh at their corny jokes or feel the same unmoving tooth and declare that it will come out any day now? Who will show them how to love with all their hearts and trust their instincts and laugh when they're happy?
No one can parent them the way I want them to be parented. I have been called 'anal' many times for the amount of attention I pay to things, but nothing even begins to rival my mothering. I am almost positive that no one will ever love my kids the way I do and that no one could ever be the parent I am to them. So, my biggest fear is that I won't be here for them. That I won't get to see them all graduate, that I won't get to instill the virtues and values into them that I think they need, that I won't get to help them establish the core of the person they will become.
If I have nothing else in my life, I just want to be their mother until they are all old enough to take care of themselves. That is my wish. The only wish that matters. Keep money, keep fame, keep it all. I just want time. Time to be their mom.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
I have a new addiction.
too soon
the end
Ten thousand hits. I am speechless.
my weekend highlights
Interview with a Blogger
the conclusion
the conclusion continued
My darling, darling daughter, Emilee...
revelation
too soon
the end
Ten thousand hits. I am speechless.
my weekend highlights
Interview with a Blogger
the conclusion
the conclusion continued
My darling, darling daughter, Emilee...
revelation
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
|
The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
