It's been a long time since I've just cried.
There have been reasons enough for months. In fact, I remember thinking the other day that it was strange that I hadn't cried in awhile.
I was listening to John Mayer's Edge of Desire while driving home and it just hit me, punched me square in the gut and suddenly I was spinning.
I felt overwhelmed and desperate and scared.
And then it passed.
And I took a deep breath and wiped my face and life resumed, as it does.
You just have to feel things when they come and then let them go when you are done.
It was a long day and I felt a lot.
And today, it's done.

Labels: my crazy life

Being a mother means making hard choices.
It means that even after you've learned hard lessons, you have to watch your children learn them again, for themselves.
There is a saying that I always think of when being a mom is hard...
“Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”- Elizabeth Stone

Let me tell you a little secret about raising a teenager... even when she is an awesome kid who makes great grades and who doesn't have sex and who is cheerful about 85% of the time and who keeps her room relatively clean and who helps with dinner and knows how to dust the right way... even then, it's hard to raise her. It's hard to help her make the right choices. It's hard to let her make the wrong ones. And sometimes, like right now, it's hard to know which is which.

Last year, she was in seventh grade and a boy who rides her bus was in ninth grade. She and this boy became friends. He was and still is this geeky looking kid whose feet are too big for his body, he wears glasses and draws pictures. He doesn't look like the kind of boy you need to be too wary of. I'm beginning to think that they all are anyway.
So last year, they become friends. In fact, there was a whole group of kids she was friends with on the bus... her little bus posse.
And then the trouble started.
This boy started dating a girl in high school. A bad misguided girl. The kind of girl who is in trouble all the time, who spends her afternoons in detention, who gets suspended. I don't know this girl so I am hesitant to cast judgement but suffice it to say, she was spending her days in in-school suspension and her afternoons running around town. And for whatever reason, she set her sights on this boy and he started spending time with her.
It only lasted a few weeks and Amanda came home and griped about this girl and how she was trying to get this boy to get into trouble all the time. I reminded her, as I do whenever the opportunity arises, that he is responsible for his choices, not this other girl.
In a flurry of activity, many things happened quite suddenly.
The boy and the girl slept together.
The boy and the girl broke up.
The girl claimed rape.
The girl admitted no rape, but confirmed pregnancy.
The girl also admitted multiple partners.
The boy was shipped away to relatives.
I took advantage of all this drama to have several BIG conversations with my daughter about choices and behavior and responsibility.

Now, having been down the teenaged pregnancy road before, I sympathize with these kids, truly I do. That being said, I do not ever want to have to sympathize with any of my own children in that sense. I'd like to get all of my girls well into adulthood without any of them having babies.
So, the boy moved away and Amanda and he stayed friends online and via text but the updates on the girl and the boy were few and far between.
Admittedly, I was relieved.
Not long afterwards, Cody moved back. And in with us. And away.
Another big sigh of relief but not without the recognition that while I don't want these boys thinking about my daughter naked, I also feel for them. I cared about Cody. I wanted to help him.
Sometimes I feel like there is something inside of me that tries to reach out and latch onto people and pull them in closer. Even when I don't want to, it still happens.
The thing that Cody had in common with this boy? Both sets of parents blow.
So the boy moved back at the end of the summer (practically coinciding with Cody leaving) and he and Amanda became fast friends again. And then with the beginning of the school year, just a mere three weeks ago, they started "going out". And when I say "going out" PLEASE NOTICE THE QUOTATION MARKS because my daughter isn't going to movies or out to dinner or even for a damn walk with this kid, they just ride the bus and have the social status of going out and they might hold hands or have long texting conversations but they aren't dating. Because my daughters aren't allowed to date until they are sixteen.
But at the same time, I realize that "going out" with boys, which they've been doing in school since the second grade, happens. I don't like it but in order to maintain some kind of control and facilitate honesty in my household, there it is. And more times than not, when it happens, it is over just as quickly.
So when Amanda came to me to let me know that he and this boy were going out, I inwardly cringed but outwardly kept my cool. And have held onto that cool for the last few weeks as this girl has gotten closer to delivery.
Now, there is some possibility that this isn't the boy's baby but his parents, who blow, are practically excited about the baby being born and have agreed to start paying child support without a paternity test. There are so many things about this boys parents that I don't understand but I really cannot fathom not getting a paternity test when this girl has admitted she was with other guys at the same time.
As a parent, I am struggling with all of this.
A lot.
On the one hand, I feel like I am limiting what Amanda can get away with but simultaneously, I am having a bunch of chats with her about all of this. She has been crystal clear in letting me know just how much she understands right now that one time is all it takes. She has told me that she doesn't want to get pregnant, doesn't want to have sex yet and man oh man does she ever have the shining example of how easily those things could happen now. We've talked about how many girls at school have already been pregnant or had babies... Teenaged pregnancy is no longer a ship your daugter off to her Aunt's house for the summer thing. It's in your face, it's happening a lot.
At the same time, I've told her that as soon as she even thinks she might want to have sex, she needs to let me know because we will get her ass to a gynecologist immediately and she can choose the form of birth control she wants to be on first. And we can learn the names of all the stds ever.
On the other hand, I want to forbid it. All of it. Sex. Boys. "Going Out". Growing Up. But I can't. Forbidding it all closes the communication doors and I'd rather help guide her through her choices than try and make them for her or worse, have her make them behind my back.

Yesterday the girl had her baby. The boy wasn't at school because his parents took him to the delivery. And when Amanda got home, she was upset because everyone had been talking about it all day long.
There are no books on how to handle this. How to handle that the boy your daughter likes already has a baby (if it's his) or that everyone keeps gossiping about it or that she's not even fourteen for another ten weeks.

And all the while, I'm starting to look at Emilee and wonder.

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, Dating, daughters, Emilee, my crazy life

I'm excited about this. I've been wanting to try it for a long time and never found the "right" time. We discussed it a week or so ago and started to get all the stuff we'd need and cut down on the meat and dairy in our lives over the last week.
I think we can do it.
So today for breakfast, I had a slice of toast with soy "butter" (which doesn't taste bad like I thought it would) and some malt-o-meal with maple syrup. And for lunch I had pita chips (my new fav) and a veggie burger on whole wheat with spinach and avacado. The avacado really helps with the whole no mayo thing.
Not sure what we are having for dinner yet but I am pretty sure it will be one of the soups I made over the weekend.
With the exception of cheese, I don't mind so much.
Almond milk is a killer substitute for regular milk and we use rice or soy milk for cooking.

I also cut out coffee when the girls went back to school.. not completely mind, just stopped drinking it daily. I find I still like a nice hot glass of it on Sundays when I am reading blogs in my pjs :-)

Labels: cooking, Emilee, my crazy life

When my first daughter was born, I could watch a movie where the women in it had this Bond. They raised their kids together, they grew up and old together, the experienced each other's lives and here I was, this sixteen year old girl, completely secluded from the world... just me and this baby and no idea about anything. No clue what would happen the next year or when I was going to find myself, I didn't even know I needed to find myself.
That was fourteen years ago and now, when I take stock of what's important, I count these women. These women who I've known for varying lengths of time, these women who have been there as I've cried on shoulders or made the right choices, these women who've nodded in compassionate understanding as we went from diapers to backtalk to teenagers.
Last night, I sat at my dining room table surrounded by almost all of the women who make up My Village. These are the people who have witnessed my life and whose lives I have witnessed in return and we've hit this new middle place. We aren't new at this any more. We aren't these twenty something girls balancing our first babies on our hips and trying to understand how mortgages work or when we won't have to buy diapers anymore. We are in the place where we've discovered mostly who we are or at least we are trying to because we now know it's part of The Path. We've passed by that place where we made impulsive silly choices because we've learned from them. We know now whether we want more children or whether we want to just get the ones we've almost finished raising out, we know whether we want to be in school or whether we're on the career path we want to be on already, we know that we don't know all there is to know anymore and we are ok with it. We can sit down together as grown women. We've become our own versions of our mothers... or at least the quintessential mother.
Doesn't just about everyone have a memory of their own mother sitting around with her women, those women you had known your entire life, those women who could tell you they'd changed your diaper when you were a baby and who you could go to when you didn't want to talk to your own mother about birth control? Those aunts who weren't really your aunts.
I have found those women. These beautiful sisters that I've been blessed enough to acquire over my thirty years. Last night, I reminisced as far back as the few years of being a teenager before I became a parent straight through the birth of the most recent baby in this circle. I listened to them talk about school and husbands and kids and laugh hysterically about That Stuff We Did When We Were Younger. We drank endless bottles of wine and I just enjoyed the fact that we could all be in the same room together for a few stolen hours before our lives took us back.
It was precious time, priceless time.

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, my crazy life, soul sisters

I emailed back and forth with the lady who taught my adoption/foster classes when I was going through everything with Cody. It took me over a week to be able to write the letter below. I needed time to reflect on how I felt about the Cody situation and how it had ended and truthfully, I needed a little time to grieve what I felt as a loss.

Good morning [caseworker],
Well it took me a little time to be able to send this email... Cody is back with his father.
It was a tremendously heartbreaking experience to go through. I can't believe how many different emotions you feel when you have a child staying with you, even temporarily. It makes me respect those parents who can do foster care about a million times more than I already did.
It also makes me certain of the choice I made to go straight for adoption and not do foster care.
I was so ready to make a place for Cody in my home, in my family and in my life. It was a hard choice to make but once I'd thought through as much of it as I could at one time, I had made the choice to choose him and for me, that started the really hard part of letting him then choose us and then talking to his parents. It was hard because I once I decided I wanted him with us, I didn't want anyone else to come along and tell me no. Additionally, I started to realize the enormity of that choice. That my parenting, my family, my household - it was all going to get harder because I would be fitting a new child, a male child, into it. And I knew it would be a long time before I could relax again about it all.
Anyway, his mother couldn't have cared less. But when I called his dad, it turned out he cared quite a bit. He said he had no idea the situation that Cody was in, not having a place to live and with his mother not caring one way or another. He said he would be down that weekend to pick him up. Just like that, all the thinking and preparation I had done both alone and in conversations with my girls, was done.
I talked to his dad several times on the phone about Cody, and Cody's life, and Cody's future. His dad is scared, overwhelmed, at the prospect of raising this teenaged boy. But he is scared and overwhelmed because he wants to do a good job. He wants to be a dad.
As this all was happening, I reflected back on your class. I kept telling myself that it is best for a child to be with their parents. That reuniting them is the goal. And I believe it too.
I will make myself available to Cody's dad as much as I can be. Even if he just needs someone to talk to when things aren't easy. But in the long run, I have to believe that this is what is best for everyone.
I feel like I learned so much from such a short experience... things I will take into my own adoption process as valuable lessons. It made me all the more certain that our family is ready for that little girl to be here. I hope that we find her soon.
Thank you so very much for being someone I could talk to about this while it was all going on and all overwhelming me. You've truly been a friend.
~KHE

Labels: adoption, Being Mommy, my crazy life

I'm sorry for the "radio silence" lately... Every time I think about writing anything here, I am just overwhelmed by all of the stuff I want to write and the enormity of some of it and I end up out in my yard pulling weeds and planning out where I think I should plant my zucchini next season.
What?
Who wrote that?
Gardening?
What is today? June 16th right? Let's pop back five years in the past and see what THAT Heather was doing...
--insert dreamy back in time music here--
*~*~*~*~*~*I was telling the girls about the possibility of my meeting Matthew McConaughey on the way home. The VERY 'G' version, of course. Nothing about me wanting to do interesting and nasty things to his body....*~*~*~*~*~*
Yeah, that's more like it. What happened to the girl who used to blog about Matthew McConaughey's body? Now it's all gardening and how I don't ever get laid anymore.
Why do you guys come here again?

Anyway, some reality. The Cody thing hit me harder than I thought it would. I wasn't ready to write about it because it made me sad. I wanted to help him. And while I think that he is much better off with his dad than he was with his mother, I still know it wouldn't be as good as being with me because I do shit right.
Additionally, I realize that I can't fix everything and everyone and that he isn't mine to fix.
So I am repeating that to myself daily and the more I do it, the less I feel angry and defeated.
I do feel like it was a little bit of a dry run for the actual adoption stuff that is eventually coming. I had no idea about the barrier that would be there between the child and I and I got a good taste of that with Cody. The whole acting like your parent but not actually being your parent thing. I don't know, maybe it will be a little different when I get my little girl... because she'll be younger, because she'll know she is being adopted...
I guess only time will tell.

I'm also going through some work stuff that I am not ready to blog about. Soon, my pretties, soon.

I am not going through any guy stuff. The last almost guy stuff fizzled out and died. Which was totally my fault because I've apparently decided I'm... I don't even know. Not ready? Too controlling? Interested in the accumulation of both spinster dresses and cats?
I sent an email to a friend the other day about dating...

We are used to being in relationships, we want to have someone there to
help, to be the co-parent, the partner... Being alone is
scary.
Let me tell you a secret. When your girls are little like yours are
now, you really feel more alone because you are just the caretaker, at that
point, you need your friends and your family more than anything. You need
to have someone to call who gives a shit about the random ass thing your five
year old just said. Your support system. If you don't have that,
find it asap. And please know, I would love to be a part of that support
system.
But here's the secret part, in a few years, your girls are going to start
becoming these people. They are going to be people that you want to spend
a lot of time with. They morph from someone you take care of into someone
who can help out, who has amazing things to say, who makes you laugh, who is
super fun to watch a movie with or take a walk with.
And then, at some point, you are going to look back and think to yourself
that you are so ridiculously lucky to have had all of those years where it was
just you and them. The bond is going to be this amazing thing, suddenly
you are going to realize that you'd rather finish the journey with your
daughters before you embark upon a relationship journey.
I wasted a lot of time trying to find the right guy. Going through
all of the excitement that comes with a new relationship, all of the
infatuation, the phone calls, the slipping away for a weekend. And in the
end, I found that I'd rather hang with my girls. My oldest leaves in five
years. Five years. It was like yesterday that she was only five
years old. I have no idea how it happened. I guess what I am saying
is once you find balance in yourself in the life you have now with your girls,
you will find that you don't really want more right now.

I think that sums up, pretty well, why I just can't seem to get excited about dating right now. I mean, if Matthew McConaughey comes a-knockin', I'm not sending him away or anything :-) Or for that matter, if I met someone who really seemed like a good and patient match, I'd probably give it a shot... but I'm not looking.

Ok, that's all I have time for this morning, gotta get to work. I promise to try and get more stuff up here. I miss you guys.

Labels: adoption, At work, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life

Just as I had finally started to accept the reality of Cody being in my house and all of the anxiety and responsibility that comes with a co-ed household of non-related teenagers, it all blows up in my face.
Cody’s mom decided she was just fed up with having to deal with him.
No. Really.
That’s what she told me today, that she couldn’t deal with him anymore.
When was she dealing with him at all?
She is coming to pick him up today to take him to a friend of his dad’s house until his dad can pick him up on Saturday and take him back to Other Town Three Hours Away. She even went and withdrew him from school yesterday without even telling me. So I stuck him on the bus this morning and because she told him to leave yesterday to meet her and then sent him back to ride the bus, the school suspended him anyway so he couldn’t even go to school today and was instead stuck in town until he got a ride back to my house.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I spoke to his dad twice. Once yesterday and once today and whether he is a good dad or not remains to be seen but he did seem to be equal parts not surprised and disgusted with Cody’s mom. After talking to her today, I am not surprised.
I feel like I lost.
I feel like I tried to fight for him and lost.
Even the most simple thing, keeping him in school for two weeks, I lost.
I feel defeated.
And angry.
And sad.

Labels: Being Mommy, my crazy life

So last week I spoke with Cody about the possibility of living here. I talked to Amanda about sharing a bedroom with Triniti. I talked to everyone I know about summer options. And I talked to my doctor about upping my anxiety meds. Ok, not really. But maybe I should? :-)
I still can't take a deep breath.
Yesterday, Cody's brother brought him back here. God, I almost typed home. You can see where I stand on this already. I am ready for this to be his home. I'm done with the whole teeter-tottering. When I decide to take something on, I don't want to stand at the starting line for three freaking months, I want to go. Accomplish.
Anyway, I don't think his brother would have even driven him to my house if it weren't for the fact that Cody had left his brother's cell phone here and his brother wanted it back. So Cody got here and ran into Amanda's room to search her closet. I was still shamefully in pajamas at noon yesterday and when I saw that his brother was waiting outside my fence for him, I threw on clothes so fast it would make your head spin and went outside to talk to him.
He is eighteen. He came from a shitty family. You can tell just by looking at him. He was super defensive and standoffish with me initially. I could barely get him to answer me. I think he was expecting me to ask him why the hell he was bringing Cody back. Once he understood that I WANT Cody here, he loosened up a bit. I told him that I was making plans for Cody for the summer and that I just wanted to know if there was any period of time over the summer where he was looking to have Cody come and spend some time with him.
I swear you could visibly see the relief wash over this poor kid.
I gave him my cell number and asked him to call me next week and let me know.
When he left here, I knew that the next step is talking to his mom. So I have contacted my teacher from CPS to ask for help. I need some kind of free or very inexpensive resources. I need a pro-bono lawyer. I need for there to be an organization that will be on this kid's side.
I am waiting to hear back from her tomorrow and then I am going to either follow whatever direction she can give me or start cold calling lawyers straight out of the damn phone book until I find someone who will help us. When I go to talk to Cody's mom, I want to be prepared. I want to be able to sit down with her and tell her what the best option for him is and why. And people, if the best option for him is for me to adopt him, then that is what I am going to do.
I am pretty sure I will have to have both his mother and his father sign off on everything but I don't care. I'll do it.
He needs lots and lots of stuff. He has three pairs of clothes in a backpack to his name. He needs PJs, summer clothes, bedroom items, hygiene products, a bed... Lots of things. But I want to make sure I can offer him the thing he needs most first: a family.
Advice would be greatly appreciated on this one ya'll...

Labels: adoption, Being Mommy, my crazy life

So, life got in the way of blogging.
And then, last night, when I was watching How I Met Your Mother (I'm not linking to it because YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW) and they were ragging on Barney because he has a blog and they were all "blogs were cool like eight years ago" and I scoffed. Loudly.
Because I [heart] my blog.
All five plus years of it.
And then I felt bad because I hardly blog. I mean, I turned thirty, Em turned twelve, Trin's turning eight and has started "hand-flapping" which accompanies her teeth grinding and makes me wonder if I should be looking into more therapy and the cat had kittens and my mom and brother are renting a new place and Amanda had a band concert and I have pics and stories and I haven't blogged ANYTHING.

And then I tried to justify the fact that I haven't been blogging because it was Birthday Month. And because I am planning a baby shower and the over achiever in me wants it to rock and I only have ONE MONTH left and holy crap, Fairy will be having a baby in August. A little baby nephew whose head I can smell until my body longs for the uterus that no longer resides there. And school is over, finally. Which means I am planning how to turn the kids into slaves activities for the kiddos. And planning my vacation with the girls. And learning French for said vacation. And planning what to buy the girls to eat while they are home for the next three months so that they can stay relatively healthy. And oh yeah, did I mention I am working on my book? LIKE FOR REAL working on it. And I have a garden and monthly dinners and a freaking house to clean. And my job that isn't awesome any more and I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN TWO YEARS.
Pardon me while I breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes.
And then I have this other thing.
This important thing.
This big thing that makes my stomach muscles (ok, yeah, I don't have stomach muscles - shut. it.)... makes the butterflies that live in my stomach do nose dives into my... well, I guess other parts of my stomach.
I truly feel like barfing.
Remember Cody? Cody has a sad story. A sad story about a family that doesn't care about him. And he hasn't been in home in three weeks and he landed on my couch on Monday. And I knew it was coming. I knew it was a matter of time before he'd be there and I've been wondering how I would handle it. What I would do. If I could do anything. And I emailed my caseworker with CPS and asked for advice and crazy pills.
Then Monday, there he was. This thirteen year old boy who is taller than me and who has no where to go. PEOPLE. He hasn't been home in three weeks and NO ONE CARES. That makes me want to cry and then punch someone in the face. Preferably his mother.
Last night, I had The Talk with him. The talk wherein we discussed his future. The talk that I had been trying to mastermind a plan for for the last six months because I knew this was coming. I've thought out every possible scenario I could think of. I've talked to EVERYone I know who would listen. I've looked up anything I could think to look up. I even spent a few minutes in Total Denial. But the townspeople kicked me out, they knew I was a fake.
When I decided to adopt a few years ago.... when I decided I wanted us to be a family for someone who needed one, I said The Universe will send me who I'm supposed to have. The Universe will choose a child who needs us.
The Universe didn't get my memo about NO TEENAGED BOYS.
And listen, I have so totally tried to fight this. I've tried to ignore it, to find someone else to step in. I've cried. I've pleaded. I ran into wall after wall after wall.
And finally, yesterday, I just accepted it.
It is what it is.
It is harder. Most choices I make in life are.
Hard Choices walk up to the average Joe and say, "Nah, let's go find that Katehopeeden girl. She'll take us." And they are right, I do.
My brother and I have had like four hundred and seventy three phone conversations about this. And every one of them has ended with, "God Kate, you are out of your fucking mind." Don't get me wrong, he's on board because THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE but he is just verbalizing his concerns the same way I am internalizing them.

I'm taking baby steps here. This isn't a jump in with your clothes on kind of situation.
First step was yesterday: Acceptance
Second step was last night: Talk to Cody, see what he wants to do, let him know that becoming a member of my family is an option.
Third step is finding stuff for him to do this summer since I can't have him and a certain thirteen year old girl just hanging out.
That is what happened today.
Can I tell you something real fast though? I can't believe how many people were willing to jump in and help. How many people that I've talked to who genuinely said, "Let me see what I can do."
That warmed me. And while I was compiling a list yesterday of possible summer activities for Cody, I thought I have good people.
Today, the sun broke through the clouds when a lady from The Boys and Girls Club in the town where I work called me back and listened to my whole story and then said they would make a spot for him. For $70 bucks registration and $25 a week, I can put this kid into a summer program. Where he can be a kid.
Does this make things easy? No. Not by a long shot.
There is this whole reality of me not knowing this kid, of me not trusting this kid, of him not trusting me. There is a whole lot of reality.
And it scared the ever loving shit out of me.
But when that lady called today, I had a flash of hope. And even that tiny flash brought me to tears. The road is long and scary and REAL but I was really grateful today for a little help.

Labels: adoption, Amanda, Asperger's, Being Mommy, Emilee, my crazy life, Triniti

And then I learned, very quickly, how few people know what a mandolin slicer is. I'll admit, I didn't know until about six months ago.

And then I bought the wrong one.
The slicer wasn't what I wanted necessarily.

I really wanted something I could julienne with.
But not my thumb. Vegetables. And maybe occasionally fruits.
But definitely not my thumb.

Labels: my crazy life

I had logged onto The Facebook to check out how all my peeps are doing and a little chat box popped up. I heard it since I was in the kitchen and skipped over to see who was trying to grab my attention. It was my sister, Blue's mom. It said simply, "Hi, this is Blue's mom... I was wondering when you might come and visit Blue. She really misses you."
Every heart string I have was severely tugged upon.
I can't begin to tell you how right it made me feel about my choice to move there.
Her mom and I had a short chat where she said that Blue talks about me all the time and is super proud of me and based on all of the things that she has said about me, her mom knows I can do anything I set my mind to including moving there in 2016. I told her about my plans to bring the girls up there for a few weeks over the summer of 2011 so we can poke around and I can check out the place I want to move to.
I have a hard time with patience.
When I know what I want to do, I try to start doing it so having a six year waiting period is rough but at the same time, those six years are all the time I have left where Amanda and Emilee will be home with me. So I need to enjoy them and make sure I experience them and know that my reward at the end of it all will be that I get to be near my sister for as long as I want.

Labels: Amanda, Beach Trip, Being Mommy, Emilee, my crazy life, sisters

are making my work day surreal.

Labels: At work, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life

Today I am going to have my coffee, work out, do housework, take a shower, go into Boerne and pick up cards for the two babies I get to see today, take Emilee and Trin to my mom's, maybe stop by work for no particular reason and get the whole seeing the cute boy out of my system, smile, go see brand new baby #1 who was born Thursday, hang out for a little while, go see brand new baby #2 who was born last month, pick up the daughters, go to Home Depot and get dirt and maybe pots for my new berry plants, and come back home and plant them.
I believe I will take pictures while out on this adventure.
Have a great day people.

Labels: my crazy life

The word of the day is: perspective.
Yesterday, in our quarterly meeting, I was enjoying the constant praise that our location was receiving. I can't help it, I'm human and humans like to hear that they are kicking ass.
Despite the fact that I had a really rough weekend with the girls contracting head lice and the warrant for my arrest that had just been issued for a speeding ticket I got in 2001 (Nine. Years. Ago.), the former of the two having forced me to take a day off that I really needed to work, I was in really good spirits.
I had a really good attitude because I had pushed myself to finish all of the work I needed to get done before the meeting. I'd helped out in areas that I hadn't really needed to help out in because I'd wanted to.
In short, I'd done a good job and I was pretty happy with myself.

At about two o'clock, my boss leaned over and said, "did you hear about what happened in Haiti? They had another earthquake this morning, a 6.1..."
I hadn't heard.
Suddenly, the lady from marketing was fading out and all I could think about was how was Haiti going to survive another earthquake? How many more people were going to die? How many more were going to be brutally injured? Who was going to help them?
My eyes started to well up right there in the middle of the marketing section of our quarterly meeting. I wanted to go the bathroom and just sit down and cry.
I don't understand everything you know? I don't understand how things like this happen. I don't understand the why.
I didn't excuse myself.
I shouldered those tears and tried to focus on the meeting that suddenly felt empty and ridiculous.
By the end of the hour, I'd managed to push Haiti into a corner in my mind and put my participation in the meeting back in the forefront. After marketing, it was time for awards.
Awards.
Plaques.
Checks.
I've been with my company for two and a half years.
In the last two years, I have implemented systems that our entire region is now required to use. I've trained other office managers on them. I've helped out with everything I could possibly think to help with. I've set the standards of office management on many levels.
I really thought that I was going to get an award.
And I didn't.
And it stung.
And it's stupid.
Because people in Haiti are trapped and dying and without water and medical attention.
Because other stores in our company are closing, people are fighting for their jobs.
And I am sitting there pouting. I had the audacity to pout. To be angry.
Lola reminded me yesterday that my feelings are valid. That I'd worked hard and I deserved to be upset that I hadn't been recognized. My feelings were valid.
But without perspective I think.
I am lucky every single day that I have a home, a job, security in both of those things. That my children are healthy and that head lice, no matter how icky and inconvenient, was the worse thing to happen to them this year. They are happy, they have bright futures.
I am lucky.
We are, all of us, lucky.
So today, I am refocusing. I am not focused on the fact that I didn't win an award yesterday. I am not focused on the head lice or the stupid hundrend and twenty bucks I had to pay for a warrant for a freaking ticket from nine years ago. Today I am having perspective. I am grateful for the things I have and I appreciate them.

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, being a Home Owner, being American, Being Mommy, daughters, my crazy life

The year I turn thirty.
What is going to change?
I will be thirty this year... Amanda will turn fourteen, Emilee will turn twelve and Triniti will turn eight.
Today I got to hold my boss and his wife's new little baby boy. They let me keep him while they left for lunch and for a blissful hour I got to smell his little head and watch the faces he made in that state of half awake, half asleep that two week old babies are prone the staying in.
I remember the girl that was pregnant eight years ago. I remember that Christmas when he burned all of the cards and it didn't even matter any more because everything was over anyway. I remember packing and leaving and being this girl who was alone and scared with little girls who were about to start school for the very first time. That girl didn't know the answers.
This girl doesn't know them either. But this girl, this almost thirty year old girl? She's got faith in herself.
Faith that there will be good choices and smiling and enjoying my girls and plans and friendships and sometimes it will be hard but this girl is happy.
And this girl doesn't plan on that changing anytime soon.

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, my crazy life

I am a horrid, horrid procrastinator.
I should be flogged.
You know, I realize that flogging is a truly unpleasant thing that shouldn't be made fun of... BUT how lame of a work is "flogging". It sounds like something that would involve a wet noodle and very little pain. When I picture flogging, it actually involves one of those floaty noodle pool toys.
See?
I am an impressive procrastinator.
I've just procrastinated posting WHY I am a procrastinator.
Top that!
Let's see... what all do I procrastinate? How about an impromptu list?
Writing
Working Out
Dieting
Laundry
Cleaning
Calling people
Uncomfortable chats
Organizing my office
Working in my greenhouse
Murder mystery dinner night

I really could go on and on... There is SO MUCH. And last night as I was laying in bed checking my email and the missed connection section of craigslist as my eyes were closing despite my every effort to keep them open, I was thinking to myself that I need to get my shit together.
All of those things listed above? I should be doing them. Daily.
But I find that I am tired and burned out and lazy.
I pat myself on the back when I make dinner AND clean up.
So during this chat I was having with myself last night, the lazy side of my brain (not sure if that is the right side or the left side) was all, "it's okay Kate, you're BUSY. You have a lot to do. You can't be on top of everything all the time!" And then the other side of my brain was all, "you're right, I am busy... I work a shitload of hours and I have kids and pets and... WAIT A MINUTE! Didn't we just watch three episodes of Heroes on Netflix?"
Yeah.
So it isn't my super busy life that is getting in the way of me accomplishing these things that I want to and should be accomplishing. It's my sitting on my ass.
Then this morning as I was working reading blogs, I came across this post and I thought, "Yeah, I should do that. Maybe if I commit to thirty days, I may actually change my ways." The lazy side of my brain chimed in with, "A) You are rhyming and that's lame and B) School starts this month, don't you think you will have enough to do? Let's wait until the year 2033 to start on that list, cool?"
Uhm, no. Not cool.

So, my blank? I think it is going to be the biggest and most procrastinated thing EVAR. My freaking dieting, exercising and eating better.
That's technically three blanks but whatever.
It's time.
Maybe I'll stop being so effing tired if I start changing my Heroes watching ways. So what about ya'll? Do you feel like committing yourself to something for thirty days?

Labels: Being a Chic, being a Home Owner, Being Mommy, my crazy life

Today's RBATOTD comes to us from the fabulous Jiffinner who had undoubtedly felt like I was never going to post one again since I've been all silent for several days.
I suck.
Sue me.
Jiffinner came over to my house on Saturday night for Fairy's birthday party. I had invited an adorable and WAY too young for me boy. As Jiffinner and I were getting everything set up for the impending par-tay, we were discussing the WAY too young for me boy and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. And Jiffinner just shrugged and said who effing cares? I mean, if he's fun and you like him, do what you want to do, don't worry about how old he is.
I pondered the possibilities while we cracked open some sangria and lit a bazillion candles.
I [heart] candles.
Then Jiffinner said, if something happens, you're going to blog about it right?
and I was like OH HELL YEAH I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT IT. Of course, if something does happen and I do blog about it, my readers would all die of heart attacks not only from the news of how WAY too young for me he is but also because OMG, SHE ACTUALLY HAD SEX??
I just don't have sex any more.
It is the absolute crap of all that is crappy.
Jiffinner laughed to herself and then said, you could title it "Not recycled but still totally bad-ass."
Which is one of a gazilliondy reasons I love her.

Jiffinner sent me an email last night and the subject line read:
Recycled? check. Bad-Ass? check.‏
Then there was a link to yet another awesome Etsy shop. I ask you readers, how did we survive prior to Etsy? I just don't know.
But 'check" indeed.
This chic is making light covers from old cans and once she carves the design into them, they throw the coolest shadows.
I do love them.
And I love you Jiffinner.

Labels: my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, RBATOTD, recycling, soul sisters

Isn't that what it's called? When you suck it up and do something you don't want to do? Swallowing the frog... that's what it feels like, that's for damn sure.
I know I've barely been on here and I have to apologize but also let ya'll know it was necessary.
You see when I have to deal with something big, I have a tendency to take away things that distract me from dealing with it. Because I will immerse myself in things that keep me from thinking about what I need to deal with like blogging, watching movies, reading books... Anything that keeps my mind off of my big girl stuff. I procrastinate by ignoring and/or thinking about other things.
However, this particular bit of discomfort had to be dealt with and I had put it off for three weeks.
The thing I dislike most in this world is confrontation.
I loathe and abhor it.
It's one of the main reasons I am not in a relationship.
It's one of the main reasons I don't get along with my family.
Conflict sucks ass.
And I dislike it.
So the thought of confronting my boss about the fact that he completely blew off my raise and then gave the commission I was busting my ass to start getting to the new ops manager made my stomach do flip flops and my ass clench up.
But after closely evaluating my budget and realizing that without the raise, I was going to start going under, I had to rethink my avoidance.
Avoidance: Rethought.
And this morning, after going over my numbers for the millionth time, it became so ridiculously crystal clear that I had to do something that there was no more avoiding it.
So I printed up a list of everything that I do (four pages long, thankyouverymuch) and a review sheet and I went into my boss's (boss'? bosses? bossssssss?) office, shut the door (I originally typed "shit the door", it felt the same I assure you) and sat down.
He said, jokingly, "uh oh, the doors shut".
I had him sign some things I needed signed and then told him I needed to talk to him. I told him, truthfully, that it's hard for me to talk to him about this kind of stuff because he is my boss and my friend and it makes me uncomfortable. Then I told him that I needed to discuss my salary. That I had explained to him before we hired the new ops manager that I needed to start making more money because my brother was moving out... in fact, if he remembered, we'd had this same chat back in August of last year when he gave me my last raise. Now my brother is moved out and I'm in a bind and I can't put off talking to him about. I reminded him that he had said we'd revisit this subject in December and let him know that I didn't bring it up because we were firing admin staff across the company and it obviously wasn't a good time.
I then handed him the four page list of what I do here and reminded him of all of us sitting down two weeks ago to cover everything on there and how much of it I'm doing. I also told him that I think I am doing a good job and that I hope he does as well and handed him a review form to review my performance. He jumped in and said he hoped he hadn't said anything to make me think he was unhappy with my work, which he hasn't and I told him as much.
He said he would be happy to get with his boss about my getting a raise and asked me how much I needed. I told him and he said he'd talk to him.
So people, cross your freaking fingers for me. If he gets it approved, I will be able to breathe again.
I haven't breathed in weeks.

Labels: At work, being a Home Owner, my crazy life

~Stephen Levine

I'm feeling very introverted and introspective today.

I've interrupted your regularly scheduled blog reading to bring you the following message:
Send a few emails, write out a few note cards, make a few phone calls, or go visit some people who matter. What ever time you were going to spend here today? Take it and remind someone of why they are important to you.
Go.
Get off my blog.
I'll be back tomorrow.

ps. In case you didn't know? You guys are all super important to me.
*mwah*

Labels: my crazy life, The Universe

Three things happened to contribute to my being off the net for three days:
1. Everyone moved out of my house Friday. It's just me, my three girls, three dogs, two birds and one turtle.
2. My AC went out.
3. It was 105 degrees.

Labels: being a Home Owner, family drama, my crazy life, Texas