And then, last night, when I was watching How I Met Your Mother (I'm not linking to it because YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW) and they were ragging on Barney because he has a blog and they were all "blogs were cool like eight years ago" and I scoffed. Loudly.
Because I [heart] my blog.
All five plus years of it.
And then I felt bad because I hardly blog. I mean, I turned thirty, Em turned twelve, Trin's turning eight and has started "hand-flapping" which accompanies her teeth grinding and makes me wonder if I should be looking into more therapy and the cat had kittens and my mom and brother are renting a new place and Amanda had a band concert and I have pics and stories and I haven't blogged ANYTHING.
And then I tried to justify the fact that I haven't been blogging because it was Birthday Month. And because I am planning a baby shower and the over achiever in me wants it to rock and I only have ONE MONTH left and holy crap, Fairy will be having a baby in August. A little baby nephew whose head I can smell until my body longs for the uterus that no longer resides there. And school is over, finally. Which means I am planning
Pardon me while I breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes.
And then I have this other thing.
This important thing.
This big thing that makes my stomach muscles (ok, yeah, I don't have stomach muscles - shut. it.)... makes the butterflies that live in my stomach do nose dives into my... well, I guess other parts of my stomach.
I truly feel like barfing.
Remember Cody? Cody has a sad story. A sad story about a family that doesn't care about him. And he hasn't been in home in three weeks and he landed on my couch on Monday. And I knew it was coming. I knew it was a matter of time before he'd be there and I've been wondering how I would handle it. What I would do. If I could do anything. And I emailed my caseworker with CPS and asked for advice and crazy pills.
Then Monday, there he was. This thirteen year old boy who is taller than me and who has no where to go. PEOPLE. He hasn't been home in three weeks and NO ONE CARES. That makes me want to cry and then punch someone in the face. Preferably his mother.
Last night, I had The Talk with him. The talk wherein we discussed his future. The talk that I had been trying to mastermind a plan for for the last six months because I knew this was coming. I've thought out every possible scenario I could think of. I've talked to EVERYone I know who would listen. I've looked up anything I could think to look up. I even spent a few minutes in Total Denial. But the townspeople kicked me out, they knew I was a fake.
When I decided to adopt a few years ago.... when I decided I wanted us to be a family for someone who needed one, I said The Universe will send me who I'm supposed to have. The Universe will choose a child who needs us.
The Universe didn't get my memo about NO TEENAGED BOYS.
And listen, I have so totally tried to fight this. I've tried to ignore it, to find someone else to step in. I've cried. I've pleaded. I ran into wall after wall after wall.
And finally, yesterday, I just accepted it.
It is what it is.
It is harder. Most choices I make in life are.
Hard Choices walk up to the average Joe and say, "Nah, let's go find that Katehopeeden girl. She'll take us." And they are right, I do.
My brother and I have had like four hundred and seventy three phone conversations about this. And every one of them has ended with, "God Kate, you are out of your fucking mind." Don't get me wrong, he's on board because THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE but he is just verbalizing his concerns the same way I am internalizing them.
I'm taking baby steps here. This isn't a jump in with your clothes on kind of situation.
First step was yesterday: Acceptance
Second step was last night: Talk to Cody, see what he wants to do, let him know that becoming a member of my family is an option.
Third step is finding stuff for him to do this summer since I can't have him and a certain thirteen year old girl just hanging out.
That is what happened today.
Can I tell you something real fast though? I can't believe how many people were willing to jump in and help. How many people that I've talked to who genuinely said, "Let me see what I can do."
That warmed me. And while I was compiling a list yesterday of possible summer activities for Cody, I thought I have good people.
Today, the sun broke through the clouds when a lady from The Boys and Girls Club in the town where I work called me back and listened to my whole story and then said they would make a spot for him. For $70 bucks registration and $25 a week, I can put this kid into a summer program. Where he can be a kid.
Does this make things easy? No. Not by a long shot.
There is this whole reality of me not knowing this kid, of me not trusting this kid, of him not trusting me. There is a whole lot of reality.
And it scared the ever loving shit out of me.
But when that lady called today, I had a flash of hope. And even that tiny flash brought me to tears. The road is long and scary and REAL but I was really grateful today for a little help.
Labels: adoption, Amanda, Asperger's, Being Mommy, Emilee, my crazy life, Triniti
