So, life got in the way of blogging.
And then, last night, when I was watching How I Met Your Mother (I'm not linking to it because YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW) and they were ragging on Barney because he has a blog and they were all "blogs were cool like eight years ago" and I scoffed. Loudly.
Because I [heart] my blog.
All five plus years of it.
And then I felt bad because I hardly blog. I mean, I turned thirty, Em turned twelve, Trin's turning eight and has started "hand-flapping" which accompanies her teeth grinding and makes me wonder if I should be looking into more therapy and the cat had kittens and my mom and brother are renting a new place and Amanda had a band concert and I have pics and stories and I haven't blogged ANYTHING.

And then I tried to justify the fact that I haven't been blogging because it was Birthday Month. And because I am planning a baby shower and the over achiever in me wants it to rock and I only have ONE MONTH left and holy crap, Fairy will be having a baby in August. A little baby nephew whose head I can smell until my body longs for the uterus that no longer resides there. And school is over, finally. Which means I am planning how to turn the kids into slaves activities for the kiddos. And planning my vacation with the girls. And learning French for said vacation. And planning what to buy the girls to eat while they are home for the next three months so that they can stay relatively healthy. And oh yeah, did I mention I am working on my book? LIKE FOR REAL working on it. And I have a garden and monthly dinners and a freaking house to clean. And my job that isn't awesome any more and I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN TWO YEARS.
Pardon me while I breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes.
And then I have this other thing.
This important thing.
This big thing that makes my stomach muscles (ok, yeah, I don't have stomach muscles - shut. it.)... makes the butterflies that live in my stomach do nose dives into my... well, I guess other parts of my stomach.
I truly feel like barfing.
Remember Cody? Cody has a sad story. A sad story about a family that doesn't care about him. And he hasn't been in home in three weeks and he landed on my couch on Monday. And I knew it was coming. I knew it was a matter of time before he'd be there and I've been wondering how I would handle it. What I would do. If I could do anything. And I emailed my caseworker with CPS and asked for advice and crazy pills.
Then Monday, there he was. This thirteen year old boy who is taller than me and who has no where to go. PEOPLE. He hasn't been home in three weeks and NO ONE CARES. That makes me want to cry and then punch someone in the face. Preferably his mother.
Last night, I had The Talk with him. The talk wherein we discussed his future. The talk that I had been trying to mastermind a plan for for the last six months because I knew this was coming. I've thought out every possible scenario I could think of. I've talked to EVERYone I know who would listen. I've looked up anything I could think to look up. I even spent a few minutes in Total Denial. But the townspeople kicked me out, they knew I was a fake.
When I decided to adopt a few years ago.... when I decided I wanted us to be a family for someone who needed one, I said The Universe will send me who I'm supposed to have. The Universe will choose a child who needs us.
The Universe didn't get my memo about NO TEENAGED BOYS.
And listen, I have so totally tried to fight this. I've tried to ignore it, to find someone else to step in. I've cried. I've pleaded. I ran into wall after wall after wall.
And finally, yesterday, I just accepted it.
It is what it is.
It is harder. Most choices I make in life are.
Hard Choices walk up to the average Joe and say, "Nah, let's go find that Katehopeeden girl. She'll take us." And they are right, I do.
My brother and I have had like four hundred and seventy three phone conversations about this. And every one of them has ended with, "God Kate, you are out of your fucking mind." Don't get me wrong, he's on board because THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE but he is just verbalizing his concerns the same way I am internalizing them.

I'm taking baby steps here. This isn't a jump in with your clothes on kind of situation.
First step was yesterday: Acceptance
Second step was last night: Talk to Cody, see what he wants to do, let him know that becoming a member of my family is an option.
Third step is finding stuff for him to do this summer since I can't have him and a certain thirteen year old girl just hanging out.
That is what happened today.
Can I tell you something real fast though? I can't believe how many people were willing to jump in and help. How many people that I've talked to who genuinely said, "Let me see what I can do."
That warmed me. And while I was compiling a list yesterday of possible summer activities for Cody, I thought I have good people.
Today, the sun broke through the clouds when a lady from The Boys and Girls Club in the town where I work called me back and listened to my whole story and then said they would make a spot for him. For $70 bucks registration and $25 a week, I can put this kid into a summer program. Where he can be a kid.
Does this make things easy? No. Not by a long shot.
There is this whole reality of me not knowing this kid, of me not trusting this kid, of him not trusting me. There is a whole lot of reality.
And it scared the ever loving shit out of me.
But when that lady called today, I had a flash of hope. And even that tiny flash brought me to tears. The road is long and scary and REAL but I was really grateful today for a little help.

Labels: adoption, Amanda, Asperger's, Being Mommy, Emilee, my crazy life, Triniti

Most of you have either via this site or some of you lucky ones have met her in person.


No, you can't have her.


She is pretty fabulous.


And she is seven.


She turned seven over the weekend.


I didn't do a birthday post because I am a bad mother.


A bad, really, really busy mother.


It was the first time we've done a birthday without throwing away any wrapping paper!
Everything was wrapped in reusable bags!
Trin is a budding environmentalist.


Not to mention stunning.
Ok, let's mention it; she's stunning.


Maybe one day, if you are a really good person, you could have a Triniti of your own.


But you can't have mine.
I'm keeping her.
And her crazy wild hair.

Labels: Asperger's, being Earth Friendly, Being Mommy, birthday, recycling, Triniti

Getting to New York...

Never, never, ever do I want to make that trip again. Not because of the delay in taking off, not because I was traveling with a small companion, not because I opted to carry my heavy ass bag on rather than pay the fees you have to pay now to have it stowed under the plane, not because two people can barely fit in an airplane loo...
None of those reasons.
In fact, the trip itself, delays and loos aside, wasn't that bad.
Taking your almost-seven-year-old daughter to spend four days in a foreign state with someone you don't particularly trust and who will be about six to seven hours distance from you is just about the worse feeling in the world. My baby. And not just that she is the youngest, but also that she is so different from other kids, from other people and he doesn't take that seriously.
In preparation for this trip and on account of how Trin is different than other kids, she and I made two lists. The first was a list that she dictated to me of things that she'd like to have available to eat. Now Trin is a very picky eater. And if you don't give her something that she will eat, she will just go without. Until she is sick. The thought of her not eating makes me sick. So the two of us sat down one day in the kitchen and I emailed her dad the list of foods she wanted him to have available to her.
The following is an edited email we sent him... [edited so you don't get bored and leave. We don't want that :)]
I am discussing packing with Triniti this morning and we wanted to make sure and send you a list of foods she will eat, she is VERY picky and if you don't have something she wants to eat, she will just not eat until she gets sick. So not only do you want to make sure she has food available to her that she likes, but you also need to make sure and ask her several times a day if she wants something to eat. If you don't ask, she won't remember to eat and she will get sick.

Make sure you have a LOT of apple juice and chocolate soy milk. Occasionally she likes a glass of regular milk but she should have at least one glass of the chocolate soy a day. The omega3 in it keeps her balanced out. She will also need to take her vitamins twice a day, the omega3 in those also keeps her balanced. Without the omega3 and enough sleep, she turns into a totally different person, one I'm hoping you won't see while she's visiting you.

Trin LOVES bagels and cream cheese and we have been giving MAD PROPS to New York for having THE BEST BAGELS IN THE WORLD so you can totally use that to your advantage.

Apple Juice (1-2 gallons, 100% juice)
Chocolate Soy Milk (one-two 1/2 gallons)
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
Chicken Nuggets
Tater Tots
Bagels and cream cheese
Hashbrowns
Pancakes
grilled cheese (wheat bread)
funyuns
Lay plain potato chips
honey comb cereal
Popsicles
spaghetti (she likes it with a little butter and melted shredded cheese on it)
seedless grapes (either green or purple)

She likes tortillas with melted cheese, I will try and remember to bring tortillas since they are probably easier to find here than there :) You can always try other foods with her but if she doesn't like something, PLEASE make sure she eats enough. Also when she goes to bed at night, she drinks a whole glass of juice or soy milk and if she hasn't eaten for a few hours, she will want something to eat.
If she asks for food, try and give it to her because she only asks for food when she is REALLY hungry.

Simple enough right?
I decided that since we'd covered that, I would also send him an email that outlined Asperger's and how it relates to Trin....

I know you and I have talked about this some but I wanted to cover a few things before she gets there.
The most noticeable thing about AS is that the children who have it are socially awkward. They don't understand socially accepted behavior and they often come across as being rude or weird because of it.

Triniti is a VERY good mimic and because of that a some people who don't spend a lot of time with her don't even notice. She knows how to blend in. She also asks a LOT of questions when she doesn't understand something, try and explain your answers to her in a neutral way so she can figure out how she feels about it on her own because she will adopt your thoughts as her own if you don't.
She may ask totally random things... like the other day she asked me what "in-law" meant. Before I could answer her, I asked her where she had heard it and in what context to make sure I was answering what she really wanted to know (she heard it in school from another kid who said her "dad's mother-in-law" or something like that). And I always ask her if she understands because sometimes she doesn't and she won't ask for further explanation.

Triniti's whole life just moves a little slower.
You have to slow down and take your time with her. This was a HUGE adjustment for me and for us as a family.
And also, try and make sure you give her notice before you are going to do anything. Say you are going to take her to get the world's best bagels the next day, make sure you tell her that night, Triniti, tomorrow we are going to [wherever] and we're going to meet up with [whomever] and get the worlds best bagels. Then make sure and ask her if she has ANY questions about that. Because she will probably have a LOT. She likes to understand everything about it, which helps her prepare. Not being prepared will give her a panic attack and you do not want to be in public with her while she has one and more importantly, you just don't want her to have one. It's very unpleasant for her. If she starts to freak out and say her stomach hurts, I usually ask her if I can hold her and I try and hug her firmly and ask her to take deep breaths with me. Some deep breathing usually helps, as does the firm hug. Kids with AS like to be held very close, it helps calm them.
And ask her often how she is. She will tell you she's good or fine if she is. I probably ask her how she about twenty times a day and sometimes on that 19th time, she will not be ok. Make sure you talk to her if she isn't.
If you know what you are going to be doing on all the days she is there, having a schedule you can give her will be SO HELPFUL. We keep a calendar here and she checks it daily to see what we are doing, even if it's nothing.
If you have plans and you put them on a schedule she can carry with her, it will help her a lot.

I know you may think I am being way overly cautious and I hope I am and that she has so much fun with ya'll that nothing happens, but you need to know about all of this and please talk to your parents and the boys about it too.

Oh and teasing, try to avoid any joking around, being sarcastic or teasing because she doesn't understand it and she will think you are being serious and she will get her feelings hurt or believe you. Like, if you tell her you saw godzilla on the way home, jokingly - she will believe you and tell everyone that you saw godzilla. About ten percent of the time she will look at you and say, "you're joking" and you need to admit it when she does because otherwise she will think she can't tell the difference.
If she is in a really good mood, she will joke on you. And she will laughingly tell you, "I'm just jokin/kiddin!"

PLEASE ask me any questions or call me at any time if you see any behavior that you think is a little off. I will be completely available to you and her through out this visit. And please don't think I am trying to tell you how to parent, I promise I am not questioning your fathering ability at all, it's just that Trin is different from any kid you've ever met before. She isn't in therapy right now because she is doing so well at home and we try and do our therapies here now but any big set back will send her back into it.

Here is a basic list of things about AS:
Find physical contact and intimate touching uncomfortable (always ask her if you can hug her)
Find social situations difficult in meeting new people (always prepare her)
Like to spend a lot of time alone (Make sure you give her some time every day where she can just play alone)
Find it difficult to understand other peoples emotions and feelings (Don't get mad at her if she comes across as rude or disrespectful because she isn't trying to)
Misunderstand speech and think that its criticism and become very defensive. (No teasing)
Find it hard to make decisions and always leave up to somebody else
Can't explain their feelings
Find it difficult to understand peoples facial expressions
Use big words but do not know what they mean (She asks me all the time what words mean and I think when she uses them, she uses them correctly)
Like routine and don't like changes
Can become very angry and aggressive when anxious
Find it hard to build a relationship (You'll find she comes across as removed from situations, it's just how she is)
Have extra sensory sensitivity (She doesn't like loud noises and some not loud but different sounding noises will also bother her. She HATES yelling)
May sound very rude or hurtful in things they say (Because she doesn't understand inflection and is most likely repeating something she's heard somewhere else)
Their voice does not change tone when describing things
Have special interests (She likes playing online and alone, she'll have toys with her when she gets there too)
Before we get there next week, try and do a little online reading and familiarize yourself with Asperger's.
And please let me know if you have any questions.

I called him that night to make sure he'd received all of the emails and he said he had and more or less said he didn't agree with it. And that he didn't "allow those foods" in his house. I told him that wasn't something I was willing to compromise on, he said he'd "humor" me. Which wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear right before I jumped on a plane with my kid to go and see him and leave my daughter in his care.
During the week leading up to this trip, Trin started freaking out about it. She said she didn't want to go, she was scared, she didn't want to be away from me. I asked her father to call her nightly to talk to her and help ease her fears.
He called twice.
I was becoming more and more discouraged about taking her and really wishing I could back out of the trip but at the same time trying to remain optimistic.
Any optimism I had quickly disappeared when he texted me right before I had to turn my phone off as our flight was about to take off from Atlanta to Buffalo.

Hey forgot to ask when I talked to you earlier but you don't mind paying for half of the gas/tolls/food do you? It would be $60.

I wanted to get off the plane and go home when I read that.
Instead I turned my phone off and clung to the little shred of hope I had that this all wasn't going to blow up in my face.
When we landed, he had sent several more texts asking where we were (as if I could answer him with my phone off while we are flying!?) and what gate we were landing at (he had all of the reservation info emailed to him). I ignored all of the texts and focused on Trin who had cried almost the entire flight because she was so scared. I was having a hard time trying to calm her down since I was also terrified.

Thank goodness Lola was there.
I don't think I would have made it if she hadn't swooped in and taken control of the situation. My brain wasn't doing a very good job of making things run smoothly. In fact, it was looking for an escape route.
Fifteen minutes later, after I declined to give him any money, he was walking away with my daughter and as soon as she couldn't see me, I lost it.
It was just about the worst I've ever felt as a mother.

Labels: Asperger's, Being Mommy, Toronto trip, Triniti

Four years and some odd months ago, I packed up everything I owned and moved my daughters and myself into this tiny white house next door to a diesel mechanic's shop.
I was terrified.
I was twenty three and although this would be the second time I had lived completely alone, I was literally starting completely over.
New job, new house, new life.
Everything in the house was white.. The outside, the inside... everything. It was very symbolic of my clean slate. I remember it being very bright when I first moved in. I didn't own much and the little I did own didn't take up much room.
It made me stand up a little straighter to be there, to have all of the control over my life again.
That house was my first "home" with my family and it is where we live the longest since having become a family.
There were so many firsts there.

Triniti said her first words in that house.
I realized that I could love and not be loved in return.
Amanda liked her first boy.
Emilee chopped off all of her hair.

And I hated that house. It was too small, had an insane amount of issues, didn't heat or cool particularly well, didn't have a dishwasher... It was like the house was telling me that she would take care of me, but she wasn't about to pamper me. I had to grow, I had to learn, I had to tough some things out.
And the thing is, Mr. I said to me once when I was bitching about it, "Kate, what would you have given two years ago to have this place? To be on your own and taking care of your girls? To not be trapped or not have options?"
And I would have given anything.

I lost my best friend.
Triniti colored her first picture.
Amanda stayed home alone for the first time.
Emilee played catcher.

When I was with AZ and scared shitless about where my life was heading, when I was with NY and wanted so badly to not have to be any more... I begged The Universe to save me, to help me, to give me any way out. And I think that The Universe did.
The Universe offered me this tiny house, no bigger than a vacation cottage, and she said to me Kate, start your life.
And I really did.
Over those years, I learned so much about the person I had been,the person I wanted to become and the person I truly was.
I learned that I am responsible.
I learned that I am capable.
I learned that I can be scared but I don't back down.
I learned that I can get the things I want by working for them.
I learned how to be a mother alone.
I learned that I choose my family.
I learned who and what is important to me.
I learned that my life is up to me.

I laid in bed some nights absolutely terrified about how I would survive, how I would not fail my daughters. I laid in bed other nights so very thankful that I was surviving and being the best mother I could be. I went from questioning my ability to do anything to knowing I could do everything. For myself. On my own.

I set goals for myself in every aspect and followed through with them on my own.
Triniti was diagnosed with Asperger's.
Amanda wore her first bra.
Emilee taught us about reincarnation and auras.

I look back at all of the years I spent being unhappy, all of the years where I was in situations where I so desperately wanted out but didn't know how to run and I thank my lucky stars that I had that little house. That when I needed most to start over, I could. And not just start over, but start entirely. I began my life there. I became myself there.

Saturday when I was there packing up the last of my stuff and cleaning that little house, I started to see the house as I had all those years ago when I moved into it. It reminds me of an old hard woman inviting me in, telling me I can stay but that she isn't going to help me, I'm on my own. I was scared of that old woman four years ago, I didn't believe in myself or my judgement. But now, as I am leaving her, she is a friend... I started to remember the first night I laid in my bed there and listened to the new noises of my life. I remembered the first time I had to paint the walls because Triniti colored all over them. I remembered actually having enough room to set up a Christmas tree because I had no furniture. I remembered Veronique and I laying on my bed reading books about boys and laughing at the idea of actually following the advice in them. I remembered assembling furniture on Christmas Eve. I remembered getting us our first doggy and how much we all loved her. I remembered buying my first brand new washer and dryer and my first car. I remembered being in love for the first time since being independent. And how much it hurt when it didn't work out. I remembered all of these things and I realized that I was going to miss that house that I shared so much with.

I bought a brand new mattress.
Triniti grew her first curls...
Amanda went to her first concert...
Emilee taught herself to ride a bike...

I feel like that little house was my cocoon.
When I moved there, I was just a grubby little caterpillar.
And while I certainly don't feel like a glorious butterfly right now, I certainly feel like I can fly.

Labels: Amanda, Asperger's, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Chica, community, death, dreams, Emilee, I actually had sex, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, The Universe, Triniti, Veronique

Wow, what a year.
Your fourth year was nothing like your sister's fourth years were. Nothing at all.

I had no idea last year when you blew out your candles that we were beginning a very long and hard road. I had no idea that what I thought were mere behavioral issues would be something far more serious.
I spent the better part of the first few months of your fourth year trying to decide what I was doing wrong. I had parented your sisters in exactly the same way I was parenting you but with completely different results. And it had to be the way in which I was parenting you because I refused to believe that you were just a bad child.

There were tantrums that far exceeded anything I had ever witnessed; violence and screaming and complete withdrawal into yourself.
Something was wrong.
And by the time you began school, I started seeking out professional help because for the first time as a mother, I had no idea what to do. Every lifeline I had failed me. My family and friends, while they tried, were not bringing any solutions or explanations to the table and I was quite frankly at my wits end.
You see, darling girl, I believe that your children are a product of your parenting. I believe that, while you and your sisters have very different personalities that are each your own, your behavior is a direct result of my mothering. And your behavior baffled me.

So we went to see all those doctors. I think you and I saw more doctors and therapists and psychiatrists in a few months than I've seen in my entire life. And they all, independently of each other, said the same thing: You are a good girl.
I have a friend who lives in Austin who is in college to become a therapist (in fact, I call him The Therapist here). One night, he and I were on the phone and he was explaining to me the way that anti-depressants work. This was something I had never even considered and I found it completely enthralling. This discussion opened up completely new lines of thought for me. It was like seeing color for the first time after being in a black in white world.

I use that as an example of how unaware of Asperger's and Autism I was prior to your diagnosis. I knew that there were kids out there who were Autistic, but I didn't know what it meant or how it worked. I didn't know the signs or the symptoms which is why it took me so long to see them in you.

I always thought that your little idiosyncrasies were just part of your personality and while they were different, I didn't make anything out of them. "Different" was just who you were. The way that you had to have everything in a certain spot just meant that you were meticulous. The way we had to things in specific orders just meant you were organized. I would joke that you were OCD but had no idea that you really were. Your adversity to heat of any kind, right down to your bath water being more than luke warm - I just thought it was a personality quirk not Sensory Sensitivity.
When the doctors started using the word "Autism" I was thrown. You were not what I associated with Autism. Those kids didn't talk or make eye contact or play with other kids or really even live in the same world as everyone else.

I dug into anything and everything about Asperger's that I could find. Any experiences by other mothers, any articles written, sheets of symptoms - you name it. And whether I wanted to believe it or not didn't matter, there was no denying that all of those little things you did actually added up to something.
All of these signs. All of these independent flickers that, when put together, became a bright flashing light.
I bet that there are stages you are supposed to go through when you get news like this... those stages usually begin with denial and usually end with acceptance. I didn't have those stages. My first stage was disbelief and my last stage was happiness. There's nothing wrong with my daughter. She is just different.

Does that sound bad? That I was afraid of there being something wrong with you? Maybe it does. I can't imagine the strength other parents need to be able to raise kids that are completely Autistic or that are suffering from something different that I don't even know about. My heart goes out to those parents because this has been hard and I know it could have been so much more.

My lesson for your fourth year has been in patience. I move fast, I keep our schedules jam packed and we adhere to them. We squeeze every second that we can out of a day. Your sisters are used to this, I am used to this but you were having a really bad time trying to do all of the running around that we do. The anxiety and stress of constantly being out and running around were triggers for you and so this year we have really had to slow things down. You needed more time.
We started getting up an hour and half earlier every morning so that you could have enough time to be ready to leave in the mornings. We started getting ready to leave the house sooner so that you would have time to put things where you wanted them and not forget anything. We took more time for everything. We slowed down and let you catch up.
You think about things differently, you look at them differently and you take different things away from situations than we do. I've learned so much this year about how your little brain is wired. It would take days for me to list all of your accomplishments this year, all of the things you've overcome. But I am pretty sure that my favorite thing is that you now come up to me and kiss me and tell me you love me. And you do it sincerely, not because it is a routine.
You are the coolest little chic. I love hearing your stories or strategies or ideas because they are so different than any I've ever heard before. When someone asks me how all of this will affect you when you are an adult, I believe - wholeheartedly - that you are going to do awesome things. The definition of Asperger's may be "a highly functioning form of autism" but I think the definition of your Asperger's is "a completely new and different outlook on the world".

Happy birthday Trin!

Love,
Mommy

Labels: Asperger's, Being Mommy, birthday, Triniti

Most day lately have felt like this:




But today....
Well today was a little of this:



and then a little of that:


It was most certainly a good day :)

Labels: Asperger's, Triniti

I was cocky.
I believed that now that I understood how my daughter's mind worked that I could mold the situation and help her control it.
But I can't help the onset of very heavy emotions she feels.
I can't make the anxiety go away or shoo away the irrational fears.
And I can't help her when she feels these things, as much as I try.

Like children with autism and other pervasive development delay disorders, children with Asperger syndrome have difficulty with social interactions.
School.
Every morning when I take her to school, it breaks my heart.
She doesn't want to be there... it's noisy and the other kids behave oddly (so far as she can tell) and there are so many things that could happen and it's all very scary.
"I don't want to go to school, Mamma."
If it were up to the part of me that wants to protect and shield her and keep her safe from fear, I would keep her home. I would stay home with her and teach her everything she needed to learn in school from the comfort of our secure house.
But I couldn't teach her to cope.
I couldn't teach her how to handle situations that frighten her.
And eventually by protecting her, I would cripple her.
So, instead, every morning, I get her dressed and when she says, "I don't want to go to school, Mamma." I hug her and tell her I know and I love her and it will be a good day.
I try to help her find something to look forward to, some light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel called Thursday.
And by the time I leave, she will usually repeat me, as prompted, when I say, "Today will be a good day, right?"
But when I walk out of the classroom and see her sitting there, bravely wiping away her tears and trying to quell the emotional avalanche of fear and helplessness, I want so badly to tell someone, anyone, how completely and totally unfair it is for her.
Instead, I walk down the hallway keeping my own avalanche at bay and hoping, for both our sakes, that today is a good day.

Labels: Asperger's, Being Mommy, Triniti