(Following up to this and this.) I used the Brass Free for Blondes yesterday and I can tell you right now, I was FREAKING. OUT. I had essentially bleached my hair twice and now I was tore between doing the Sahara toner or the Brass Free stuff. I had read in MANY places that the Brass Free had gotten rid of the rest of the orange and I am not ashamed to admit that I begged and pleaded with the box prior to doing the dye and then with the dye itself the entire time it was in my hair. Please work, oh please oh please oh please work. Universe? Please make this work, please get rid of the orange. Please oh please. - For the entire ten minutes it was in my hair. Now in my bathroom, I have a shower stall and a garden tub. As SOON as I washed the Brass Free from my hair, I flung the door open to look in the mirror and see if the orange was gone. And you know what? For the most part, it was. My hair is still a very gold blonde but it is Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than orange. My plan is to wait a few weeks (the Brass Free is good for 28 washes) and then do a nice Ash Blonde color... I just want to make sure my hair has enough time to recover from the extensive frying I've done to it this week.
After a spattering of dreams I struggled to remember every time they woke me up, I got up to let the four legged beasties outside to do their respective things and made myself a cup of coffee using my new french press. Let me tell ya, having a tendency to break all things glass, including coffee carafe.. is it called a carafe? Anyway, it does make it to where I get to try a new coffee maker roughly once a year. And as tempted as I am to buy one of those new fangled coffee makers where in all you do is add a little creamer-from-the-gas-station looking container and water and voi-effing-la you have a dang latte, I have a fear that I will run out of the little container thingies and there won't be a back up place in which I can just put regular coffee grounds and the world as I know it will cease to exist because I can't have any coffee and I live in the country, a million miles away from a Starbucks. Holy run-on sentence, Batman. I had good dreams last night which is why every time I woke up, I wanted to get back into them or pick them apart and dissect them for the purposes of either 1. my enjoyment or 2. my novel. However, neither ended up being the case because I shopped for FIVE HOURS yesterday people and my ass was tired. [An aside - I want to be a bone fide writer so. very. badly. One of the things I am putting into place after Christmas is getting my room rearranged.. ok... OKAY! and CLEANED. And getting a desk in there. I have a bulletin board already in there that I can use for my note cards and whatever else I feel like I need to have physically in front of me. I already have the software I was planning to use to map everything out. And most importantly, MOST. IMPORTANTLY. I have this fabulous idea that I have been chewing on for a couple of months now and I have finally figured out the general beginning to end and now I just need to discover my characters and decide whether their story wants to be a book or a screenplay because it could go either way in my head.] note to self - work on using less run-on sentences. I woke up this morning at seven forty-five, even though I swore all week I would be sleeping until at least ten on Saturday. But the combination of the doggies needin' to pee and my being a little excited about my new french press had me headed to the kitchen instead of my room once I released the critters. So, now for why you are all here... I have a date tonight. Most likely. Co-Worker boy called one of his friends, his name is Tim, and asked him if he wanted to go to our regional company Christmas party with yours truly and Tim, apparently being a gambling man, said sure. I know very little about him except that he lives about an hour from me (even more in the country than I do), he owns his own construction company, is in his mid to late twenties, is roughly five foot ten and is apparently pretty good looking. My co-worker also said he was kind of a hermit, not a guy who goes out often as he'd rather be home. The fantasy/conclusion I have drawn from that last little tidbit of information is that the dude is much like me in that regard. In my mind, he works hard and when he isn't working he likes to be able to enjoy what he has worked hard for. I am a hermit in exactly the same way. If my assumption about him is correct. Given that he opted to join us for an evening out in San Antonio shows that he isn't a total hermit but again, like me, doesn't often have plans on a Saturday night. OMG-I am having a flashback to another party where I went with a blind date. Scratch that, where I met a blind date at the party. It was when I worked at Fantasy Disco Ford and it was awful. So awful in fact, that the guy I was supposed to hang with bailed because I kept blowing him and his friend off. Oh Universe, please do not make tonight suck. Thank you. So, I am a little excited. I am excited in a reserved way. I am trying not to get my hopes up because it could be a total flop. I have already fantasized that he is the perfect man. I bought the cutest new boots and top. That is the thing about dating. It's much like gambling. You throw a quarter into the machine and either it spits out more quarters, all the quarters or nothing. And I have been on one hell of a losing streak lately and while I am trying to have a positive outlook about the whole thing, I am also trying to stay grounded so I don't get upset if it is nothing more than a night out with a dude who I can cross of my Potential List.
No, seriously. I haven't even emailed anyone about this yet. YOU are the first to know. Well, besides me... I was technically the first to know. :-) Soooooooo, I may have a date tomorrow. The Universe keeps throwing men at me. Granted, they haven't been quality men, but they've been men so there's that.
This morning, the dude from a couple of posts ago actually asked me if we were going to tomorrow's party together. As if. Sorry, I was feeling a little nineties there... THEN he tried to make it out like I ditched him last weekend. Even said that was why he left early. What. Ever. So now, I am being set up... which is only a slight bit better. But I know WAHS will be pleased as she is always trying to get me to poke around and get set up through friends. WAHS, I hold you personally responsible for this. :-) We'll see. May not even pan out.. probably will though since the person trying to set me up has TWO people in mind. A couple of days ago, I was seriously considering not going and instead remaining in my PJs and wrapping presents while watching Love Actually for the nine-hundredth time.
So a few things have happened... the first is that my case worker sent me an email a few weeks ago with a link to a little girl who is ready for adoption right now and who doesn't have anyone interested in her. Did your heart just break? Mine did. The thing was that this little girl is older than Triniti and the one thing we are certain of is that we don't want to get someone older than Trin. Does that sound ridiculous? Are you thinking to yourself right now, "what does it matter? She needs a home!" I battled with the same thoughts. Here is the thing though, I believe that your sibling order is a big part of who you are. I also believe that this isn't my choice to make on my own since it involves all the members of my family. So the girls and I talked about it and Triniti said she really didn't want to get another older sister and so we had to pass on this child. It is really amazing how hard that decision was for me. I've had to say to myself so many times in the last few months that I can't save them all. I can't take them all. It's hard for me to accept that because there are so many little girls out there with out moms and I am a Mom. That simple fact will have me crying at night sometimes. What I have had to accept is that when it happens, it will be what it is supposed to be. The first night of my Foster/Adopt class, I got in my car to drive home and I was so overwhelmed with feelings. I felt like crying and I was so scared but there was something else there too, something I hadn't ever felt before and it was eating me up inside. At first I thought it was the fear and my mind immediately sent the thought forward of You don't have to do this. You can stop now. And I could have. I could have quit that class that day and never went back. But I didn't. And the reason I didn't was because that feeling I hadn't ever felt before was this inherent longing and I truly believe the first strings of a connection to a little girl who I have never met. In the thirty minutes it took me to drive home that night I went from tears to certainty. The fear is still there. But it isn't only in regards to the adoption but just permanently attached to my being a mother. When I start to get a little scared about adopting I have to tell myself that I apply that same fear to the daughters I already have all the time. It is normal to be scared. I was scared each time I was pregnant and I don't think it would be natural not to be scared now in the "gestation period" of my adoption. I have a sort of faith in that The Universe is going to present to me exactly what I am supposed to have. So when I start to reel a little from all of this, when I think to myself on a Sunday If I can't get this laundry done with just three girls, how am I going to do it with another one? I have to remember that I can handle anything. I didn't think I could handle one or two or the three girls I have. I didn't think I could do it alone. And I have to remember that this little girl isn't going to care whether I got all the laundry done any more than my current daughter do. She is going to care that I listen to her and hug her and tuck her in at night and support her choices and that I love her. And I can do all of those things with clean or dirty laundry. So when I start to feel a little like I can't breathe, I remind myself that what is meant to happen is going to happen.
So I emailed my caseworker back and told her that we weren't going to put our family in for the older little girl and asked about the progress of Carebear since we haven't heard anything since the very end of July. Her response: "I haven’t heard anything on Carebear. I did give your home study at our selection staffing for a sibling group of two girls 4 and 7. They are Hispanic with no major behavioral issues."
"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?"
~Stephen Levine
I'm feeling very introverted and introspective today.
I've interrupted your regularly scheduled blog reading to bring you the following message: Send a few emails, write out a few note cards, make a few phone calls, or go visit some people who matter. What ever time you were going to spend here today? Take it and remind someone of why they are important to you. Go. Get off my blog. I'll be back tomorrow.
ps. In case you didn't know? You guys are all super important to me. *mwah*
I was thinking about all of you yesterday when I was shopping. I frequently forget to put all of my reusable shopping bags in the car. I know, I know - it may be a little shocking to hear that I am not perfect. I was shocked when I first found out too. Yesterday when I stopped to pick up groceries, I looked into my backseat and saw a single, albeit jumbo sized, Target bag. Knowing that I was going to need a heck of a lot more groceries than I could fit into that bag, I considered my options. Shop tomorrow? No, I'd left work an hour early specifically to shop. And we really need groceries. Just get what I really needed? No, that never works. I hate shopping twice. Be a big old hypocrite? Nope, not after the hard ass speech I'd just laid down on my blog, yo. So I scurried around in the car and managed to find two black reusable Wal-Mart bags and my reusable Half Priced Books bag (which was AWESOME for all of my bread). That was only four bags, but I figured it was worth a shot. I bought $115.00 worth of groceries and with the exception of my gallon of milk and two sleeves of juice boxes, it all fit into my four bags. I was super pleased. And seriously, the Half Priced Books bag was great for bread. It held five or six different packages of different bread without squashing it. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I wanted you to know that I am as hard on myself as I am on ya'll. There have been times where I forget my bags and have to use the plastic ones and when that happens, I keep some at home to get reused and I recycle the rest. But you know what? I hate it. Like I am genuinely pissed off when I am loading the fourteen million Wal-Mart bags into my car. Genuinely. Pissed. Off. This is partially because it takes fourteen million Wal-Mart bags to accomplish what four reusable bags can. Partially because I don't feel like I do enough anyway and here I am not doing what little I do do. (yes, I know I just wrote "do-do"- shut it) Partially because I have invested money in my reusable bags and I hate when I don't get to use them. And partially because it's so easy to just use them. Ok, I'm done ranting about the shopping bags. I promise. Tomorrow? Tips that are easy and that you might not even realize you could be doing.
Last night I watched a Focus Earth Special called 6 People Saving Our Planet. Let me tell you, Planet Green is one of my favorite channels. As much as I would miss the drama of Grey's, if I had to only have one channel for the rest of my life, it would be Planet Green. I am aware that not everyone shares my enthusiasm for being a better inhabitor of our planet and while I don't understand it, I am aware that some of you look at me and think I'm smokin' crack in my spare time. Especially if you called me yesterday and I told you I had to call you back because I was in the middle of separating my earthworms from their castings. But you know what? It straight pisses me off that people, even some of you willingly choose not to recycle, not to conserve, not to take simple steps to try and do a little more. Because simply doing a little more, one person at a time, is a lot more. Last night, there were so many seriously inspiring people featured on 6 People Saving Our Planet. People who make the rest of us look wasteful and selfish. I mean, I realize that most of us don't have the cash, knowledge or space to erect a wind turbine in our backyard, but what are we doing? What are you doing?
Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. In that order.
Let's take shopping. Shopping was the first thing for me. It's no secret that I haven't been Earth Friendly forever. And I knowI can thank the lovely city of Toronto and the amazing Lola for opening my eyes to how un-Earth friendly I was. Does that mean I have no carbon footprint? No. It does mean I am working towards a MUCH smaller one. Shopping bags. Are you one of the people still using plastic bags at your local grocery store? WHY? Why in the world wouldn't you stop doing that? People, you can get reusable grocery bags at practically every store now. Want to know where the best ones are? Target. And I don't even shop at Target but I tell you what, when I am near a Target, I so totally go in and buy two of their BIG bags. I probably have eight of them now. They are huge and they fold up and snap together into these little, very easy to carry squares. And I will let you in on a secret about Target's bags that I have noticed in all of my reusable bag shopping: they sew their handles all the way down the bag. Handle on other bags seem to only be attached at the top of the bag and break fairly easily. Target's bags are reinforced somehow. And they can walk the walk. I have put thirty pounds worth of stuff in a Target bag and it handles it. Stop using plastic. Start saving the planet. Be a part of the solution.
Jesus, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Ok, scratch that. I do know. It's my job and the giant job situation that unfolded over the last few weeks that has me questioning whether or not my job is safe right now. And the thing is, you can pretty much ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that my seurity is constantly my number one concern. Security, or lack thereof, is what ruined both of my relationships and caused me to learn how to do this whole grown up thing and mommy thing on my own. Because you can always depend on yourself. Other people? Usually, not so much. And so I clawed my way up and up and up until I found Secure & Comfortable land. I slowly made harder and scarier and longterm-ier decisions that depended on my security and now, it's threatened. So fight or flight? I mean, the option of beginning what would undoubtedly be a horrible and practically fruitless job search right now does not exactly sound like a good time. But fighting for my current job feels too much like begging and I don't beg... especially not for something I feel like I've already earned. I almost feel like The Universe is going to do what's best for me. I have faith in her that if I lose this job that it's what is best and as with all hard things that happen, you just have to wait to see why. If I had just said all of that to Trin's dad, he would have told me that I was using the word "feel" too much in a conversation about work and that I needed to take it out and reevaluate. But here's the thing. If I fight, I will lose a friendship. Now it's not a "soul sister" friendship, but it's a friendship nonetheless. Do I drop someone in the grease to save my own ass? Even when I know that person is being sneaky? And that that person wants another job while I want to stay where I am? Or do I just sit back and let what will unfold unfold? You know what it is blogosphere? The thing that is kicking my ass? I can't sleep. It's been years since I laid in bed unable to sleep because something was threatening my security. Years. And now, I can't sleep. And I hate it. I especially hate that while I am at the beach hanging out with my fabulous friends and amazing daughters that all I can think about is that I may lose my job.
On March 10th, 2007 my grandmother passed away. I was so very sad to have her no longer be in my life but I knew she was ready to go and I had so much time to say goodbye to her that while her passing made me sad, I was at peace with it. I love my grandmother and I think of her often and fondly. Those days that I was in Dallas while we all sat with her and held her hand and told her it was ok to leave and then after she had passed, while we sat together and reminisced and spent time as a family, I spent a lot of time thinking. I wanted to consider how I felt about her being gone, about how I missed Veronique, about how death made me feel about The Universe and myself and the future and my kids. I needed to reflect. And because it was quiet and I could think there, I spent that time outside. And everywhere, there were these beautiful trees.
I was in love with them. They were beautiful, regal, innocently and purely white and the thing that I will always associate with my grandmother passing. And not in a melancholy way but in a fond way.
When we got back from Dallas, I looked them up online and found that they were Bradford Pear trees. So I ordered some seeds online and tried to grow a couple. My attempt was a failed one, but I vowed that once I had a house where I could grow them in my yard, I would.
Then, last November, I saw these stunning trees with their amazingly dark red leaves and fell in love. Five months later and I am still asking you all to help me figure out what they are. When suddenly, I am sitting at my desk writing an email and it hits me. It's the same tree. It's my grandmother's tree.
It's funny how that works. How I would fall in love with the same tree twice and it looked so different both times. I think that sometimes people pop in and say hello to you and maybe you don't even realize it.
Good morning ya'll! I am in a ridiculously fabulous mood. Thanks for asking :) I ran five miles yesterday. Five. Miles. Yeah.
And then, I took my red face to my final Adoption class where we had a wonderfully in depth discussion with a representative from T.A.R.E. who answered so many questions I had about the adoption process. You know, these people who work for groups like T.A.R.E. and DFPS and CPS, while they catch a lot of flack, they are truly amazing people. They've devoted their lives to these children and every day, they are out there acting as advocates to them. It's such a heart wrenching and truly under appreciated career and I can definitely say, learning all I've learned recently, how much I appreciate them and the work they are out there doing.
At the end of the class, he handed out a sheet with statistics on it and I wanted to share some of them with ya'll to give you an idea of how much these people are dealing with. At the end of January 2009, there were 15,519 children in foster care in the state of Texas. That is 15,519 children who are not living at home, who are living in a volunteer's home or group home. Just in Texas.
In the twenty-eight counties considered to be the San Antonio Region, there were 1,092 adoptions from September 2007 through August 2008 (fiscal year). Of those 590 were adoptions by relatives and 502 by non-relatives. Which means 502 people just like me completed the same course I am completing and decided to take on someone else's child and make them their own. That's more than a thousand children just in the San Antonio Region who wouldn't have had homes - who would still be in foster care waiting and hoping for someone to love them.
Of children with adoption as their plan at the end of December 2008, these were the demographics for the San Antonio Region: 1% are 12 months or younger (usually with a disability since babies are easily adoptable) 7% are 1-2 years of age 17% are 3-6 years of age 26% are 7-10 years of age 30% are 11-14 years of age 19% are 15 and older
57% are male 43% are female
14% are African-America 14% are White (non Hispanic) 65% are White (Hispanic) The remaining 7% are Multi-racial, Asian, American Indian or of unknown heritage.
And probably the most amazing stat to me was that: More than 78% of all children waiting for adoption in our region are part of a sibling group of two or more children.
The more I learn about all of this, the more compelled I feel to do something. These are children, not puppies. They are people. And no one wants them. Can you look at your own children and imagine that? There is a little girl on the T.A.R.E. website who reminds me of Trin so much. She is a few years older than her and autistic and she looks like Trin. And when I see this beautiful little girl's picture remain on the site every week because no one wants to adopt her, it breaks my heart. That could be my daughter if circumstances were different. That could be Triniti's picture up there every week with no one wanting to take on her "issues" because they just want a "normal" little girl. I'd encourage you, if you are considering having kids or even thinking after having readeverything that I have been writing about all of this about the possibility of adopting, look in to it more. And don't think you are disqualified because of _______ . You probably aren't. The dude teaching my class is a single guy who has adopted two teenaged boys. And teenagers make up 49% of children in care, they are the hardest to get adopted. Did you notice when I stated the stats that it said "Of children with adoption as their plan..." That's because some of these kids, mostly the teens, have given up. They have decided to remain in care and take their chances when they are eighteen. Can you imagine being eighteen and being on your own with no one to ask for help. These kids have no choice but to succeed because no one will help them if they don't. I know I'm going on and on about this but as ya'll know, when I initially got into this, my plan was just foster. Provide a safe place for these displaced kids to call home until they were reunified with their birth families. And after getting all of this information, my plans have changed and I have went from deciding to temporarily take care of a child or two to adding another child to my family. And it's great. I feel great about it. I told SnowElf last night that I feel like I'm pregnant right now. The classes were a conception period and now, we're in the gestation period. It's scary and wonderful at the same time. So where do we go from here? I have my home inspection's set up for the 13th of next week. Look at me all shooting the finger to Friday the 13th. I'm so not accepting any bad luck right now, I am only accepting the good. And then from there, we have our home study where a psychologist comes and spends the whole day with us and observes how our family works together and gets along. This should happen in May-July. After our home study is complete, we are ready to adopt. That is when we start being matched with prospective children that match the criteria that we are looking for. Our criteria is female, age 5-8 - we will consider siblings female/female or female/male in that age range but we are really just wanting one child. I would love to be able to take a half a dozen, but I just can't. Once they find a good match, I get a call with a little information and then I meet with my worker to review the file of the child. If I am interested, we set up a few meetings. There are anywhere from three to six meetings, usually involving an overnight visit or a weekend visit so we can all get to know each other before the placement will actually take place. Once the placement occurs, you have a six month period before consummation of the adoption can take place. And if everything goes well, six months later you can officially adopt. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. If you are just stopping by here for the first time, don't hesitate to shoot me an email with any questions. I get email asking questions about everything from Jone's Fractures to scorpions, I don't mind the questions.
Let me preface this with letting you know that Saturday was the sexual abuse edition of my Foster/Adopt classes. There is no where in the world that you would rather NOT be on a Saturday than spending eight hours hearing stories about little kids being abused. You're split equally between nausea and tears. It will kick your ass. Luckily we got out of class early and after a quick run by Wal-Mart to grab a few things, I went home. Amanda and Emilee were both at sleepovers, so I hung out with Trin and then tried to decide if I wanted to call him. I decided I didn't. It was a mixture of reasons, one of which being that I had just went through sexual abuse day and I kind of just wanted to go to bed. Sunday I got up and started getting stuff done around the house. I haven't been home much with all of the classes I've been taking and, trust me, you can tell. My home inspections are on the 13th, so I have a little time but a lot of work. Plus I now have to put off my flooring until after my inspections since I can't be mid project when they come. So, I was doing my room. We had a bean bag chair explosion there last week and those little puff-balls that go into a bean bag chair? Those effing things were EVERYWHERE in my room. It took me over an hour just to hunt them all down with the vacuum cleaner. I enjoy cleaning when I have something on my mind because nothing allows your brain the room for consideration more than the sound of a vacuum cleaner. And I have a lot to think about. Not just this huge decision of adoption but also the fact that I am taking Triniti to New York to see her dad in May. I also have that Noah and my mom are leaving - Noah permanently and my mother, most likely temporarily and my sister called me on Saturday and asked if she could come and stay for a few months while she gets caught up on everything. Add to that the fact that I've been in Day-dreamy Land about the boy from last weekend. Having not actually had a conversation with him since then, I have been really chomping at the bit to talk to him and I decided that since we couldn't seem to sync up that I would just text him and get his email address so I could email him. So, I sent him a text at 11:49a that said, "Hi, hope your (I SPELLED you're WRONG!!!) having a good weekend :) I was wondering if you could send me your email address?" He texted me back at 2:59p, it said, "I'm tired... But that's not unusual. " And then I sat down and started working on the email that explains to him that I (a) have kids and (b) dig him. I'm like half way through it when my phone rings and it's him. So I answer it and he asks how I am and I tell him I was just working on an email to him and he asks if he'll have to wait to read the email or if I'm going to just tell him what it says, I say I'll just tell him. He says ok and that he has something he needs to tell me too. I offer to go first since I'm wanting to do it before I chicken out. I dive in, explain to him that when we met and under the circumstances that we met, I didn't tell him about the girls which is pretty much the most important thing about me. He says ok but doesn't sound even remotely surprised which I mention, he says it doesn't bother him because he also has kids but that he also has something else he needs to tell me. I didn't need him to. Before he could even say it I said, "Oh my god, you're married." He says yeah, happily married. Then he apologizes for not having told me while I am reeling. I had no idea. Jesus I had no idea. I felt like I was slowing down to look at accident. He says he wants to explain why he didn't tell me. That he often goes out with his friend Marty and frequently plays "wing-man" for him, much as Fairy and I were doing that same night. But he says he usually just talks to the chic for a few minutes and then she wanders off to find someone else to talk to and he waits for Marty to finish talking to whomever he is hitting on. Then he validates everything that I felt for the whole effing week that I thought there was some kind of possibility that I had met someone - he says he's never connected with any one the way he connected with me. That he intended to go back to Houston and basically forget the whole thing had ever happened but hasn't been able to. And that he wants to be VERY clear that he doesn't want to have a physical relationship with me, he isn't looking for an affair, but is hoping that we can figure out some way to be friends. I told him honestly that there was no way for me to make that kind of decision right now. That I would really have to think about it. Because I am feeling an insane amount of stuff some of which is guilt for his wife. That she is unaware that Saturday night even happened and that if I were her, I wouldn't want my fucking husband being friends with someone he had connected with, spent the night with and kissed. I told him that and he said that if it made me feel better he would tell her everything and get her blessing so to speak. I tell him I need to think about it. Can I even do that? Can I even be friends with someone who I feel like this about? I don't know. Can I just forget someone I feel like this about? Again, I don't know. What I do know is that I will not be in a physical relationship with a married man. I will not be an affair, I will not have an affair, I will not. I'm sorry it is taking me so long to get this up, I wanted to write it all up last night and post it but I just couldn't do it. I still have this knot in my stomach. I woke up like a hundred times last night and just feel like shit. It'll pass, but for now I feel like shit.
Also, I had a dream last night about alligators. There was more than that but when I woke up this morning, that was the thing that stuck with me: alligators... Since alligators and crocodiles are associated with water, and since water is often symbolic of the emotions, when these reptiles appear in your dreams they may be symbols of profound, potent emotions. They can mean your emotions have reached a dangerous level--you may be feeling like they will 'swallow' you whole. Your emotions may be reaching a point where they are becoming wild, and you feel you, like the alligator in the Florida lakes signs, may snap at any given moment. And then, to top it all off. About thirty minutes ago, I look up and TB is standing at my office door looking utterly and ridiculously adorable and he proceeds to stand in the doorway of my office for the next fifteen minutes chatting with me about how I am, asking about the girls, talking kid-sports and looking RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE. Stop it Universe. Stop it right now.
But the thing is, I'm in MAD home improvement mode right now. It's tax time and I am replacing all of my flooring! YAY FOR NEW FLOORING!
I knew I was either going to redo my floors or build a covered front porch when I got my taxes and as much as I want so very badly to have a new front porch, the ickiness of carpet is eating away at me..
So instead, I am going to do the floors and save the porch for next year. We are beginning by laying tile in my kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms. And although my brother is all "oooh, do red!" or "oooh do blue!" or "oooooh you should do green!!" I am a little more of the mind set that something more neutral would be better so I am looking at something a little more like these:
And I would love to do some kind of accent on the floors with something like this...
But the bigger and much more exciting part for me is going to be tearing the carpet out of the bedrooms and the living rooms and the office and the hallway and replacing it all with this:
I was momentarily sidetracked and under the illusion that I was rich or something while I lusted after this.
After two days of searching for the best possible price on this zebra style strand woven bamboo flooring with the least expensive option being twice the regular bamboo costs I had to step away. Whenever I start to want to spend more money than I should I have to remember that I am selling this house in a few years and so all of my improvements and investments aren't really mine and should be great but also neutral and cost effective. But people, in my next home? Totally having recycled ceramic tiling and zebra style strand woven bamboo flooring.
Adding to that the fact that I am going to finally invest in some grown up stuff in my kitchen. Some stainless steel cookware: And something I've been needing for a LONG time - actual silverware. I have been in the land of bend-when-you-scoop-ice-cream-spoons bought from Wal-Mart for way too long. I picked the Oneida Mooncrest because they were the most simple and I liked the name. What? I can admit it. "Mooncrest" just sounds cool and Universally Sound to me. That's how I make choices sometimes. My other two major purchases before I am done with my Christmas in February tirade are this green house:
And a zoom lens for my Nikon (which I finally got back yesterday! yay!) so that I can take even badder ass pictures at softball this year!
Most of you know I feel pretty strongly about doing the right thing. I feel compelled to do as much as possible in as many ways as possible to do what is good and right. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass and sometimes it's this wonderful and amazing thing. But regardless of what it is or who it is for, I feel pulled towards helping or doing what I feel is right no matter how much time I have or how hard it is or who it is for.
Add to that the fact that I truly believe we are in a time of change right now. It is almost as though I feel like my generation is stepping into the spotlight and we are all looking around at each other going, "Holy shit, we're supposed to be taking care of the planet and the people?" And more than I have ever before, I feel compelled to make use of that time. What am I doing? What legacy will I be leaving my kids. Why will it matter that I was here?
I can no longer blame my age, my time, my situation - my anything - for my actions. I am wholly and completely responsible for what I do and how I contribute to my world.
"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo daVinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."----H. Jackson Brown
So what is it that I feel drawn to? The Environment is a huge thing for me. Every single day I fight for that just by going to work and being that voice in my office. I find that when I am going to buy things now, I purposefully look for the recycled or environmentally friendly version of whatever it is that I am buying and when it isn't freakin' outrageously priced, I purchase it. I compost at home with my earthworm farm and while I realize that having an earthworm farm in your kitchen isn't ideal for everyone, I always encourage as much as someone will listen the benefits of it. The Environment is important to me and when I do something unfriendly towards it, it eats at me and I hope that I am passing that on to my children.
I also feel very strongly about children. I mentioned on here a few months ago that I intend to start fostering. At the time I wrote that post, I had no idea what all was entailed. I had no idea the amount of hoops one has to jump through in order to become a foster parent and I can tell you it is a process but I do hope to start the fostering classes in just a few weeks! And I am so very, very excited about it. And I implore you to look at your household and see if there is room for just one more person. And if there is, at least look into it because there is nothing you could ever do in this life that is more important than being that person for someone else.
The third thing that I feel very strongly about is teen mothers. Having been a teen mother myself and having had really no support, no one in my corner that was rooting for me to win, I know how hard it is. And I also know how rewarding it is to come out of the other side having succeeded. I would like to, at some point in the future, be able to set up a foundation or website or a center or something to help teen mothers. It's one of my most auspicious goals and one I truly hope to accomplish.
Now why in the world am I telling you all about this? Because February tenth is right around the corner. And on February the tenth, I will be telling you, again, what I am doing to help, what I am doing to try and improve this planet and lives of the people on it. That is twelve days from now which I hope is plenty of time for you to do a little soul searching and be ready to announce on your blog, your myspace page, your facebook or whatever means it is that you use to communicate with the cyber world and to your friends and family what it is that you are doing to help, to contribute, to attempt with all of your heart to make this world a better place.
In a year and a half I will be thirty. That's so insane. I don't feel thirty... but really I haven't felt a certain age since I became a mom. I've felt like a mom for twelve years and being a mom is an ageless thing. It's all responsibility and second-guessing and reading books to learn and to teach and smiling even when you feel like crying and skinned knees and loose teeth and worrying and praising and trying. And it's awesome. Even when it's scary and daunting, it's awesome. And because of the awesomeness, it somehow passes quickly and suddenly your baby is about to be twelve and you are about to be thirty and you go holy shit, how did that happen? Anyway, let me get back on track. In a year and a half, I will be in Ireland. Hopefully with several of my best friends. And so I just thought now might be a good time to start asking the universe for a pretty Irish boy for my thirtieth birthday. Please, please, please, please, please?
I'm done. Finished. It's over. Thank. You. Universe! The last three months of insanity have finally come to an end. The homes here are completely redone (pics soon, I promise), my Halloween Party is done AND cleaned up (thank you Jiffinner, The Cake Lady & Fairy for all your help!!) and yesterday I took my Certified Office Manager test! The Big Three Things that were sucking up all of my time and attention are done. Finally. And do you know what dear reader? I'm already getting out of sorts with the thought of all that free time. I'm already trying to book it up. I'm having to make serious effort to not book it up. What is wrong with me that I just can't accept some stillness? Some down-time? I have issues. (As if that is news to ANY of you :P) Here is what the rest of my year is looking like: Amanda turns twelve on the 19th. *gasping for air* Give me a second. *grabs paperbag, deep breathing* Ok, I'm all right. So Amanda turns twelve and has opted that instead of a huge birthday party, she wants a huge present. This is cool with me. In fact, in my house we kinda have this teared birthday party option chart. It goes like this: Big party and little gift Medium party and medium gift Small family party and huge gift I'm cool with any of the three options seeing as how they cost me the same amount of money and it really is up to the girls how they want to do it. But get this, the kids is trying to Out-Electronic me. She wants an Ipod touch. It was that commerical, the one where you are driving the car or whatever by moving the Ipod as if it were a steering wheel that pushed her over the edge. So I have to get a small party together at home where she is awarded a mack daddy mp3 player and I push down my jealousy. Thanksgiving is on the 27th. This one isn't too bad for me since The Cake Lady usually just tells me what to bring and when to show up. I do want to try out a few recipes first as I am feeling brave and Fairy is begging me to make a pumpkin cheese cake (DB?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?) which I've never done before but I think I should attempt like a hundred times before Turkey Day since cheesecake is gooooood :) Christmas is in seven weeks! You know, I really enjoy Christmas. It's the one holiday that I do not attempt to do anything except for be home with my family. I don't typically travel and there have been a few years where it is only the girls and I which I really love. I cook (I know, shocking!) and we all spend time together which is so nice. However, I freaking hate the shopping part. I hate trying to figure out what to buy the girls and how to be fair in shopping for everyone. I hate trying to figure out who else I need to get gifts for and what to get them. It stresses me out and I think half of the reason I love Christmas is that when it finally happens, it's such a relief to be done. It's a lot of work. I leave for Dallas on December 30th. This year, I somehow got tricked into going to Dallas to spend New Years with my mother's family. Although traveling by car for anything over an hour is usually an excuse for a temper tantrum in my book, it will be a significant improvement over that year when that guy I did the whole New Year's Eve Blind Date Thing with bit me.
And then that's it people. 2008 will be over. I'm tempted to start my recap post now since this has been such a huge year for me but I will save that for another day.
So there has been this on going thing at work where my boss is trying to get me to become a Christian and I am trying to get him to become an environmentalist. It's like a tug of war... sometimes he pulls me a little and sometimes I pull him a little but I don't think either of us are even remotely close to the jumping off point. I'm not sure if I've ever really blogged about my religious views or lack thereof. Those of you who know me in real life have probably had a conversation or two about it with me. The Cake Lady and I have explored certain avenues together and in all honesty she is the person who I feel the closest "religious" connection with. I think it is because we have the same core feeling about Everything and the same openmindedness in regards to exploration of this core feeling. The long and short of it is that I have classified myself as agnostic for many years. And previous to that classification, I don't think I really knew what I was, I don't believe I had invested enough thought into the decision. From Wikipedia: Agnosticism (Greek): α- a-, without + γνώσις gnōsis, knowledge; after Gnosticism is the philosophical view that the truth value of certain claims — particularly metaphysical claims regarding theology afterlife or the existence of God, gods, deities, or even ultimate reality — is unknown or, depending on the form of agnosticism, inherently unknowable. In my searching for an answer, it all seemed unknowable to me. It still does. However, my problem with that was that I have always felt connected. I have always felt something. But I've never been able to connect that something to a god or a religion. You have heard me many, many times refer to The Universe and Karma and Balance and those are all things I do believe in. But how do you tie religion to The Universe? I didn't know. So my boss gave me this book to read [Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis] when SnowElf came to visit a few months ago and I have been slowly trudging through it. Saturday when I went to the gym, I brought it in with me, hoping to get through a chapter or two while I was working out. As I am jogging along, I read this, "Now I go on to the next big division. People who all believe in a God can be divided according to the sort of God they believe in. There are two very different ideas on this subject. One of them is the idea that He is beyond good and evil. We humans call one thing good and another thing bad. But according to some people that is merely our human point of view. These people would say that the wiser you become the less you would want to call anything good or bad, and the more clearly you would see that everything is good in one way and bad in another, and that nothing could have been different. Consequently, these people think that long before you got anywhere near the divine point of view the distinction would have disappeared altogether. We call a cancer bad, they would say, because it kills a man; but you might just as well call a successful surgeon bad because he kills a cancer. It all depends on the point of view. The other and opposite idea is that God is quite definitely 'good' or 'righteous' a God who takes sides, who loves love and hates hatred, who wants us to behave in one way and not another. The first of the views - the one that thinks God beyond good and evil - is called Pantheism. It was held by the great Prussian philosopher Hegel and, as far as I can understand them, by the Hindus. The other view is held by Jews, Mohammedans and Christians. And with this big difference between Pantheism and the Christian idea of God, there usually goes another. Pantheists usually believe that God, so to speak, animates the universe as you animate your body: that the universe is God, so that if it did not exist He would not exist either, and anything you find in the universe is a part of God. The Christian idea is quite different. They think God invented and made the universe - like a man making a picture or composing a tune. A painter is not a picture, and he does not die if his picture is destroyed. You may say, "he's put a lot of himself into it," but you only mean that all its beauty and interest has come out of his head. His skill is not in the picture in the same way it is in his head, or even in his hands. I expect you see how this difference between Pantheists and Christians hangs together with the other one. If you do not take the distinction between good and bad very seriously, then it is easy to say that anything you find in this world is a part of God. But, of course, if you think some things really bad, and God really good, then you cannot talk like that. You must believe that God is separate from the world and that some of the things we see in it are contrary to His will. Confronted with a cancer or a slum the Pantheist can say, "If you could only see it from the divine point of view, you would realize that this also is God." The Christian replies, "Don't talk damned nonsense." For Christianity is a fighting religion. It thinks God made the world - that space and time, heat and cold, and all the colors and tastes, and all the animals and vegetable, are things that God 'made up out of His head' as a man makes up a story. But it also thinks that a great many things have gone wrong with the world that God made and that God insists, and insists very loudly, on our putting them right again. And, of course, that raises a very big question. If the good God made the world why has it gone wrong? And for many years I simply refused to listen to the Christian answers to this question, because I kept on feeling 'whatever you say, and however clever your arguments are, isn't it much simpler and easier to say that the world was not made by any intelligent power? Aren't all your arguments simply a complicated attempt to avoid the obvious?' But then that threw me back into another difficulty."
And as I read that, I thought to myself - Holy Shit. You mean that there is an actual "religion" where The Universe, Nature and all beings as a whole make up it's foundation? How have I made it to almost thirty years of age without anyone telling me this? I went back and read that so many times that I haven't been able to move forward in the book yet... it felt to me like someone was showing me something that was a part of me for the first time. I hope that doesn't sound overly dramatic... I am so enthralled by Pantheism that I can't wait to go and check out everything there is to read on it. And I don't know if my boss will be thrilled about this or not because I truly feel like by discovering this, I will be pushed even further from Christianity or any other of these types of religion because someone has shown me the other option, the option I've felt all along.
And I feel like Christianity is looking hypocritical now. [And I have to say right now that I do not challenge anyone's beliefs. I do not consider myself even close to being remotely educated enough to do so. But I do have questions and I consistently ask my boss these questions to better understand him and what he believes. And so please do not take any of these or my future comments to be insulting, I don't intend them to be so.]
Regarding the cancer comment and not to be based solely on it but as an example, using your faith/outlook/religion - How could you not think, even as a Christian that it (the cancer) wasn't part of God. It's his world, his universe that he created according to that belief system. They believe that cancer, a disease separate from human and human good/bad, is evil. How did it become evil? Where did the evil stem from?
And if Christianity considers the world, Earth, to be God's creation - his work of art and Christians themselves to be a work of art how can so many people (Christianity and religion as a whole make up the majority of the population) have so little respect for this "work of art?" Do they simply believe that the Earth in being created by God will simply withstand whatever humans put her through? Why is there not a more "green" emphasis through religion?
And finally, not so much a question but he repeatedly implied that humans have an innate need to be good, a set "moral law" [in Mere Christianity, there is a constant reference to an inset Moral Law where you know what is wrong and right because (they believe) God has told you and there could be really no other option] where we know right from wrong but seems to only equate that with God. Why is it so unthinkable that The Universe has no will or idea to be good because it isn't considered a singular object. Wouldn't it instead be more likely that The Universe could take on the good or bad of all the beings within it? And that the whole ebb and flow of The Universe is the concentrated energies of the whole Universe itself?
These were some of the things I proposed in my conversation yesterday and since I've had this whole Atheism/Agnoticism/Patheism/Christianity thing on the brain, I needed to share with you all where I am. And instead of pondering and researching and not blogging, I figured I'd blog the pondering and researching because I am all about the multitasking :)
Well in some pictures anyway since my stupid effing camera is crap and my memory card ate half of my pics. Thank The Universe for Art Plus Digital Photo Recovery 3.1 for recovering about half of my pics :) SnowElf should be almost back to The Frozen Northern Lands, upon which time I've asked her to send me the pics she took. Between the two of us, there should be plenty of them. Here are a few of my favorites :)
So we haven't seen or talked to the boy since Tuesday... that would be the same day in which we discovered that he is a little slimy weasel that we don't want to play with anymore. Yesterday we were training in Town An Hour Away to do job of The Chic We Never Really Got Along With. Now, we weren't training because we are planning to do her job but because we needed to be cross trained to cover for her should she take a vacation or get sick or not show up (as she is prone to doing). But we never intended to actually have her job. Especially not recently when she has seemed to be on her game.
Yesterday, we got Some Dirt on The Slimy Weasel (has a nice ring to it doesn't it?)... [What is it called when one refers to them self as a "we" for an entire blog post?] So we are d-y-i-n-g to hear The Dirt but somehow get roped into lunch at The Awesomest Place In The World (for those of you not in the know, that would be Olive Garden) and so we couldn't call her on our lunch break and had to wait two more excruciating hours until we were driving home to get The Dirt. [It isn't third person... Help a sister out...] So when we are finally free and in our Brand New Freestyle... with leather and a moon roof driving home, we dial up for The Dirt and snuggle into our leather seat for the hour drive and hopefully an hours worth of good Dirt. Sadly The Dirt was all confirming what we posted on Tuesday about how The Previously Adorable and Super Nice Cute Boy at work is actually a Slimy Weasel. And he isn't even a Smart Slimy Weasel. He is instead a dumbass. He is going around work telling people about how he is juggling multiple chics and all freaking out that they will find out about each other. Did I mention that he is doing this AT WORK? You know, where one of the chics he is "juggling" happens to spend fifty hours of her week? Well lucky for him, there is now one less chic to be juggled. There is one more chic to watch out for "accidentally" kicking you in the nuts, but one less chic to worry about juggling. Armed with this news since Tuesday and only just having it confirmed yesterday, we had been trying to decide how exactly we wanted to react. Did we want to pretend we didn't know and just cold shoulder the boy out? Did we want to send The Slimy Weasel a nasty email telling him he is a Slimy Weasel? Did we want to act like we didn't know and pull the "I've decided to see someone else" card? Did we want to slash his tires? Did we want to sit down and tell him we know he is a Slimy Weasel and stupid to boot for blabbing at work?
There were so many choices... And we really couldn't pick one. So we thought about it all day yesterday while we were training in Town An Hour Away... we thought about it when we were driving... we thought about it while we were making dinner... we thought about it while we were dropping The Girls off at Softball Practice... we thought about it while we were walking Tucker... we thought about it while we laid in bed last night... we thought about it when we talked to Snakeman... We thought about it a lot and really couldn't quite come to a decision. So this morning when we got to work and were talking to Snow on the phone and we saw that he was already here and we still hadn't made up our mind as to what we were going to do, we panicked a little. [It's called referring to yourself in the plural. I'm totally referring to myself in the plural. I wonder why... Maybe I'm lonely...] So we told Snow that we had to run because we were at work and we had to face The Music. (The Music = The Slimy Weasel in this case...) Somewhere in between the car and the seeing The Slimy Weasel for the first time today, we decided to act like nothing had ever happened and that we didn't know that anything had happened. Why? We aren't sure. [You know the Empress from The Never Ending Story totally referred to herself in the plural all the time, like the whole movie. Didn't she?] Probably because we don't want waves. We are Anti-Waves as it were and have a tendency to avoid them. Like the plague. Also because we are professional. We don't want to create a crappy workplace even if some people apparently don't give two shits about wave making and crappy workplace promoting... The fact is that there isn't anything that can be done. A mistake was made (this would be a judgment mistake on my part and a moral mistake on his, I believe) and it can't be reversed and since The Universe has yet to instill in me the right to inflict karmic punishment on others in her name, what's a girl to do? Except let it go. Does this mean I will continue sleeping with The Slimy Weasel? It does not. It means that I will be just as nice as I was previous to his transition from Cute New Boy to his current status. I am going rewind to November and start over. I am going to be the nice rockin' chic that I have always been and take The Sex off the table. Because he so doesn't deserve The Sex. And my gut tells me that he will at some point try and get The Sex again and when he does? I will so totally tell him that I know about him being a Slimy Weasel and that no, he cannot get The Sex from me any more. That's right. [Ha! I stopped! I'm back to first person! Go me!] So here's the thing, I get to work today and The Slimy Weasel is totally acting like he was before. All nice and hanging out and flirting. And I'm all looking for that iron box to put my not-able-to-withstand-kryptonite feelings into. Because even though we know that The Slimy Weasel is a Slimy Weasel, the flirting still somehow makes our stomach do flip flops. [Damn it, I started again! Stop it Kate! I think it has to do with him.] Anyway, he is all back to his old tricks... you remember them right? Check out October of '06 if you've forgotten. Oh and for you hard core LOC junkies? October of '06 isn't the only place I've hidden Top Secret Posts. They are riddled through out this blog. Riddled I tell you. His old tricks? They suck because I have to remind my too-forgiving self that we don't like his punk ass anymore. Note to Self: We. Don't. Like. His. (Charming). Punk-Ass. Any. Fucking. More. Damn. It.
Then, around 8:03am, my Boss comes in and closes my door and lets me know that I am being "promoted" into The Chic We Never Really Got Along With's job. Because she is being fired/let go/quitting. And so I am getting a raise (yay!) and bonuses (double yay!) but I am spending the next two weeks learning how to do her job. And then the next several months trying to balance her job and my current job (and really earning the raise/bonuses). But I can so totally do it. And I know it and my boss knows it and apparently his boss knows it too.
Just so long as I can find some repellant for The Slimy Weasel so that I stop being tempted to forgive his lying ass and hop back into bed with him. What the fuck is wrong with me anyway that a day of him being charming is all it takes for me to want to let it go? I am severely damaged. Severely. I so just sat here for like five minutes and debated deleting all of that Super Honesty above about The Slimy Weasel because I don't want you all thinking I am a Loser Chic. But I can't. Because that just wouldn't be keeping it real. And those of us that speak of ourselves in the plural? We especially have to keep it real.
Who: katehopeeden Where: San Antonio, Texas
Yeah, so I am all that you see here.
I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty...
sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends.
I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am.
Want to know more? Click here!
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
These are a work in progress.
They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog).
All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold.
I don't think I could have done it.
To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise,
but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration.
You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL.
Thank you so much." -Stef
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?!
So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
