Did your heart just break?
Mine did.
The thing was that this little girl is older than Triniti and the one thing we are certain of is that we don't want to get someone older than Trin.
Does that sound ridiculous? Are you thinking to yourself right now, "what does it matter? She needs a home!" I battled with the same thoughts.
Here is the thing though, I believe that your sibling order is a big part of who you are. I also believe that this isn't my choice to make on my own since it involves all the members of my family. So the girls and I talked about it and Triniti said she really didn't want to get another older sister and so we had to pass on this child.
It is really amazing how hard that decision was for me.
I've had to say to myself so many times in the last few months that I can't save them all. I can't take them all. It's hard for me to accept that because there are so many little girls out there with out moms and I am a Mom.
That simple fact will have me crying at night sometimes.
What I have had to accept is that when it happens, it will be what it is supposed to be.
The first night of my Foster/Adopt class, I got in my car to drive home and I was so overwhelmed with feelings. I felt like crying and I was so scared but there was something else there too, something I hadn't ever felt before and it was eating me up inside. At first I thought it was the fear and my mind immediately sent the thought forward of You don't have to do this. You can stop now. And I could have. I could have quit that class that day and never went back.
But I didn't.
And the reason I didn't was because that feeling I hadn't ever felt before was this inherent longing and I truly believe the first strings of a connection to a little girl who I have never met.
In the thirty minutes it took me to drive home that night I went from tears to certainty. The fear is still there. But it isn't only in regards to the adoption but just permanently attached to my being a mother. When I start to get a little scared about adopting I have to tell myself that I apply that same fear to the daughters I already have all the time. It is normal to be scared. I was scared each time I was pregnant and I don't think it would be natural not to be scared now in the "gestation period" of my adoption.
I have a sort of faith in that The Universe is going to present to me exactly what I am supposed to have. So when I start to reel a little from all of this, when I think to myself on a Sunday If I can't get this laundry done with just three girls, how am I going to do it with another one? I have to remember that I can handle anything. I didn't think I could handle one or two or the three girls I have. I didn't think I could do it alone. And I have to remember that this little girl isn't going to care whether I got all the laundry done any more than my current daughter do. She is going to care that I listen to her and hug her and tuck her in at night and support her choices and that I love her.
And I can do all of those things with clean or dirty laundry.
So when I start to feel a little like I can't breathe, I remind myself that what is meant to happen is going to happen.
So I emailed my caseworker back and told her that we weren't going to put our family in for the older little girl and asked about the progress of Carebear since we haven't heard anything since the very end of July.
Her response:
"I haven’t heard anything on Carebear. I did give your home study at our selection staffing for a sibling group of two girls 4 and 7. They are Hispanic with no major behavioral issues."
Wow.
Universe? I have my eye on you.
Labels: adoption, being a Home Owner, Being Mommy, The Universe
