Ok, scratch that. I do know.
It's my job and the giant job situation that unfolded over the last few weeks that has me questioning whether or not my job is safe right now. And the thing is, you can pretty much ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that my seurity is constantly my number one concern. Security, or lack thereof, is what ruined both of my relationships and caused me to learn how to do this whole grown up thing and mommy thing on my own. Because you can always depend on yourself. Other people? Usually, not so much. And so I clawed my way up and up and up until I found Secure & Comfortable land. I slowly made harder and scarier and longterm-ier decisions that depended on my security and now, it's threatened.
So fight or flight?
I mean, the option of beginning what would undoubtedly be a horrible and practically fruitless job search right now does not exactly sound like a good time.
But fighting for my current job feels too much like begging and I don't beg... especially not for something I feel like I've already earned. I almost feel like The Universe is going to do what's best for me. I have faith in her that if I lose this job that it's what is best and as with all hard things that happen, you just have to wait to see why.
If I had just said all of that to Trin's dad, he would have told me that I was using the word "feel" too much in a conversation about work and that I needed to take it out and reevaluate.
But here's the thing. If I fight, I will lose a friendship. Now it's not a "soul sister" friendship, but it's a friendship nonetheless. Do I drop someone in the grease to save my own ass? Even when I know that person is being sneaky? And that that person wants another job while I want to stay where I am? Or do I just sit back and let what will unfold unfold?
You know what it is blogosphere? The thing that is kicking my ass?
I can't sleep.
It's been years since I laid in bed unable to sleep because something was threatening my security.
Years.
And now, I can't sleep.
And I hate it.
I especially hate that while I am at the beach hanging out with my fabulous friends and amazing daughters that all I can think about is that I may lose my job.
Labels: Amanda, At work, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Emilee, soul sisters, The Universe, Triniti
