Monday, March 02, 2009
My nerves are shot.
Let me preface this with letting you know that Saturday was the sexual abuse edition of my Foster/Adopt classes. There is no where in the world that you would rather NOT be on a Saturday than spending eight hours hearing stories about little kids being abused. You're split equally between nausea and tears. It will kick your ass.
Luckily we got out of class early and after a quick run by Wal-Mart to grab a few things, I went home. Amanda and Emilee were both at sleepovers, so I hung out with Trin and then tried to decide if I wanted to call him. I decided I didn't. It was a mixture of reasons, one of which being that I had just went through sexual abuse day and I kind of just wanted to go to bed.
Sunday I got up and started getting stuff done around the house. I haven't been home much with all of the classes I've been taking and, trust me, you can tell. My home inspections are on the 13th, so I have a little time but a lot of work. Plus I now have to put off my flooring until after my inspections since I can't be mid project when they come.
So, I was doing my room. We had a bean bag chair explosion there last week and those little puff-balls that go into a bean bag chair? Those effing things were EVERYWHERE in my room. It took me over an hour just to hunt them all down with the vacuum cleaner.
I enjoy cleaning when I have something on my mind because nothing allows your brain the room for consideration more than the sound of a vacuum cleaner. And I have a lot to think about.
Not just this huge decision of adoption but also the fact that I am taking Triniti to New York to see her dad in May. I also have that Noah and my mom are leaving - Noah permanently and my mother, most likely temporarily and my sister called me on Saturday and asked if she could come and stay for a few months while she gets caught up on everything. Add to that the fact that I've been in Day-dreamy Land about the boy from last weekend.
Having not actually had a conversation with him since then, I have been really chomping at the bit to talk to him and I decided that since we couldn't seem to sync up that I would just text him and get his email address so I could email him.
So, I sent him a text at 11:49a that said, "Hi, hope your (I SPELLED you're WRONG!!!) having a good weekend :) I was wondering if you could send me your email address?"
He texted me back at 2:59p, it said, "I'm tired... But that's not unusual. "
And then I sat down and started working on the email that explains to him that I (a) have kids and (b) dig him. I'm like half way through it when my phone rings and it's him. So I answer it and he asks how I am and I tell him I was just working on an email to him and he asks if he'll have to wait to read the email or if I'm going to just tell him what it says, I say I'll just tell him. He says ok and that he has something he needs to tell me too. I offer to go first since I'm wanting to do it before I chicken out. I dive in, explain to him that when we met and under the circumstances that we met, I didn't tell him about the girls which is pretty much the most important thing about me. He says ok but doesn't sound even remotely surprised which I mention, he says it doesn't bother him because he also has kids but that he also has something else he needs to tell me.
I didn't need him to. Before he could even say it I said, "Oh my god, you're married." He says yeah, happily married. Then he apologizes for not having told me while I am reeling. I had no idea. Jesus I had no idea. I felt like I was slowing down to look at accident. He says he wants to explain why he didn't tell me. That he often goes out with his friend Marty and frequently plays "wing-man" for him, much as Fairy and I were doing that same night. But he says he usually just talks to the chic for a few minutes and then she wanders off to find someone else to talk to and he waits for Marty to finish talking to whomever he is hitting on. Then he validates everything that I felt for the whole effing week that I thought there was some kind of possibility that I had met someone - he says he's never connected with any one the way he connected with me. That he intended to go back to Houston and basically forget the whole thing had ever happened but hasn't been able to. And that he wants to be VERY clear that he doesn't want to have a physical relationship with me, he isn't looking for an affair, but is hoping that we can figure out some way to be friends.
I told him honestly that there was no way for me to make that kind of decision right now. That I would really have to think about it. Because I am feeling an insane amount of stuff some of which is guilt for his wife. That she is unaware that Saturday night even happened and that if I were her, I wouldn't want my fucking husband being friends with someone he had connected with, spent the night with and kissed. I told him that and he said that if it made me feel better he would tell her everything and get her blessing so to speak. I tell him I need to think about it.
Can I even do that? Can I even be friends with someone who I feel like this about? I don't know. Can I just forget someone I feel like this about? Again, I don't know. What I do know is that I will not be in a physical relationship with a married man. I will not be an affair, I will not have an affair, I will not.
I'm sorry it is taking me so long to get this up, I wanted to write it all up last night and post it but I just couldn't do it. I still have this knot in my stomach. I woke up like a hundred times last night and just feel like shit. It'll pass, but for now I feel like shit.

Also, I had a dream last night about alligators. There was more than that but when I woke up this morning, that was the thing that stuck with me: alligators...
Since alligators and crocodiles are associated with water, and since water is often symbolic of the emotions, when these reptiles appear in your dreams they may be symbols of profound, potent emotions. They can mean your emotions have reached a dangerous level--you may be feeling like they will 'swallow' you whole. Your emotions may be reaching a point where they are becoming wild, and you feel you, like the alligator in the Florida lakes signs, may snap at any given moment.
And then, to top it all off. About thirty minutes ago, I look up and TB is standing at my office door looking utterly and ridiculously adorable and he proceeds to stand in the doorway of my office for the next fifteen minutes chatting with me about how I am, asking about the girls, talking kid-sports and looking RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE.
Stop it Universe.
Stop it right now.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 10:07 AM
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