My laptop is currently residing at the San Angelo stock show and rodeo where we have a model home set up and since the guys needed a way to send us info back, I lent them my scanner and laptop until the beginning of March. So much for my new writing mission eh?
In other news, I started my Foster Parent classes.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
My first class was Tuesday night and I left feeling like I was about to explode from this overwhelming emotional avalanche. I could barely introduce myself without crying. I can explain why I feel this way. I'm some how very strongly connected to this.
I called SnowElf on my way home and un-freaking-loaded on her because I had to get it all out.
When I left the girls fathers, when I bought my first car, when I signed my first lease, when I got a freaking cell phone plan, when I bought my house - right before I made each of those decisions, I had the same thought, "I don't have to do this. This is a huge commitment to my life and I don't have to do it. I can take the easier way out." And I could have. I could have stayed with the girls fathers. I was unhappy but it seemed easier at the times. I could have left the money in the bank and kept driving my old beater. That was safe. I could have not moved into my new place. Leases were scary to me. Saying I promised to stay somewhere for a specific amount of time scared the ever loving shit out of me back then. Ironically, I stayed in the house for almost five years. My cell phone was the same way. Two years? I don't know if I want this for two years. But the most recent was buying my house. And I remember one day when I was packing before I closed, I remember so clearly thinking, "I don't have to do this." Packing was hard, moving was hard, accepting that I would be paying three hundred dollars a month was hard. It would have been easier to stay where I was. There was security there, I was safe there. I was nicely snuggled into my rut and coming out and starting a new rut looked scary.
I felt that same rush of panic when I was sitting there filling out paperwork. It's the Holy-Shit-My-Life-Is-About-To-Change Panic.
And it's scary.
So let me tell you a little about the class. There are five families there. There are The Therapists who have three kids and are looking to Foster/Adopt up to two school age children. Then there are the couple that live in my town who have two grown kids and one at home teen who are also looking to Foster/Adopt up to two school age children. Next is the lady who used to work for children's services who switched jobs because I guess you aren't allowed to foster when you work for the foster place, conflict of interest or something. Anyway, she has a grown son and she and her fiancé are looking to Foster/Adopt teenaged boys. There is the couple who can't have kids who are looking to Foster/Adopt elementary aged kids, up to two. Then there is the single woman who couldn't have children when she was married and is now divorced and there with her parents, she wants a child under two, preferably an infant to adopt.
Then there is me.
And let me tell you, sitting in that room full of couples and families, I was feeling very out of place.
That was until one of our teachers stood up and explained that he is a single father of two adopted teenaged boys.
What is apparently amazing is that we are all Foster/Adopt. Per one of our teachers, that isn't the norm. Normally a bunch of the people there are couples who can't conceive and they are looking to adopt infants. The second and much more amazing thing was that we were all more interested in children 5-10 years old. It seems that we can all skip right over fostering and jump right into adopting. There is a plethora of available for adoption children between five and ten years old. A plethora.
This is kind of what sent me into such a spin.
This means, in as little as six months, I could have a new daughter.
Wrap your head around that!
And my first instinct was to take a step back. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe.
Why?
Because I know, in my heart, in my soul, that I am supposed to be doing this. She, whoever she is, needs me. And I know she is out there right now and in a matter of months, she will be with us, in our home and part of our family. I don't know who she is yet but I can feel her. I can feel her needing me and it's preventing me from being able to move away from this new scary thing. In fact, it's pushing me right towards it.
So tonight, when I get to class, I am changing my status from Foster/Adopt to Adopt. Because there is no reason at all for me not to skip right to the point. And the point of this all is that there are a shitload of little kids out there without homes and without families. And I have and can provide both of those things to one more person. And even though it's just one more person, it's one more person.
Labels: Being Mommy, my crazy life
