Lots of craziness: Just saying hi...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Just saying hi...

When Veronique died, I remember getting home and just sitting on the side of my bed. I remember thinking that people in the movies always sleep. My sister had went straight to her bed and cried herself to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even just sit still because the longer I sat still the more I thought and the more I thought the more my insides screamed. Every ounce of my mind and body was trying to change it, was trying to bring her back, was trying to deny that it was true.
So, I sat there on my bed and silently screamed and begged and bargained and wished and cried. I felt like someone was very slowly cutting up my soul. It still feels like that sometimes.
After awhile... minutes, hours maybe... I don't know how long I sat there, but I suddenly remembered this picture that Veronique and Liz (a girl we worked with) had taken for me.
I had been having an awful week. NY and I hated each other for whatever reason that week, I was miserable about having been sick for so long, I was feeling like I would never find a doctor who would agree to do the surgery I needed. I was hating that all of the pain medication was killing my ability to function at the level I had before. I missed being able to run around with my girls and clean my house. I was just in a crappy place.
Anyway, I had worked the morning shift (6:30am to 2:30pm) and then Veronique and Liz were coming in to work the night shift (2:30pm to 10:30pm). When they got there, I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry. I think I did cry when Veronique asked me what was wrong. I just felt like everything was so hopeless. Veronique walked me outside and we talked and she hugged me and told me everything would be ok and just to get some sleep.
The next morning when I went to work, I unlocked the drawer where we kept the keys to unlock everything else and there was an envelope sitting there with my name on it. It was all decorated because Veronique loved to draw on everything. When I opened it there was a letter Veronique had written me the night before telling me that she loved me and she hoped I felt better and that everything would be ok. She had written like she did everything, with alternating marker colors. And then she had doodled all over it. Also, inside the envelope, there was a Polaroid picture of she and Liz together smiling at the camera. And on all the little white strips around the picture they had written things like "we love you" and "feel better" and "be happy." I took that picture home and stuck it to my refrigerator. I remember thinking that I was so lucky to have Veronique, that she was such a good friend. When I moved, I packed the picture into a box of things I had in the kitchen and that was the last time I had seen it.
That day, when I was sitting on my bed, I suddenly remembered that picture. I needed it. I had to find it. I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that she loved me. I tore into my closet and went through every box, dumping things on the floor and making a huge mess. But, I didn't care. I felt like I would just die if I couldn't find it. My mom came in and helped me, I was hysterical. I looked for hours. I went through boxes of letters, old stories I started and never finished, boxes of little mementos I had saved over the years... The end of the search yielded not the photo I was looking for but rather a shot of she and I together taken a few months after we met.
I remember her saying we needed a picture together. She went and grabbed that same Polaroid that we kept at work and we had someone take two pictures of us, one right after the other. We each kept one. When I found that I just sat down on the floor and cried. Right under it was a picture she had taken of some roses one of her admirers had sent her. She had gotten the roses on a night shift and had of course called to tell me about it, but then taken a picture and put it in the drawer so that I could see them when I came in the next morning. Those were the only two pictures I found. I cursed everything that I didn't have every little note that she had ever left me, every card. Why hadn't I saved them? I knew why. Because I had always thought she would be here.
But I never found the picture.
I cleaned my room and let it go. I told myself that it was ok because I had it somewhere and I would eventually find it. Probably the next time I moved. Then I got caught up in all the craziness that ensued.
Fast forward to last night.
Last night I had to go into town to fill up the five gallon water jugs that go on my water machine at home and the one Jiffinner and I bought for at work. I have a combined total of seven five gallon water jugs that I rotate between home and work. Anyway, I asked Jiffinner if she would mind cruising into town with me and she said yeah. So, while she started to fill the jugs, I went to move my spare tire and rearrange the insane amount of junk in my trunk so that we could put the jugs back there.
Now, dear readers, I do not have a clean car. It is one of my vices. My trunk is especially heinous. You don't even want to know some of the things that have happened back there. I have had these water jugs tip over and spill water everywhere thereby mildewing pretty much everything back there. I have spilled entire jugs of bleach or laundry soap. All of Summer Stuff is back there [think: fourteen bottles of sunscreen, ten arm floaties that have no match, random towels] with the oil, antifreeze, three car jacks, at least half of my hub caps (I can't ever seem to get them back on), random shoes and clothing items.
It's ugly.
So, last night, I went to rearrange the trunk (and by "rearrange" I mean "stuff shit into the back of the trunk so that I could fit the water jugs") and after shoving things into the every spare centimeter I could find, I picked the spare up (this involved both new cuss words and new grunting sounds) and shoved it into that weird slightly raised part of the trunk it is supposed to bolted to. After a few minutes of fighting with the tire (how much do tires weigh anyway??), I looked down and saw a Polaroid facing down.
My first thought was god damn that picture is clean considering how gross the trunk is. I thought maybe it was a new photo, which made me wonder who the hell had a Polaroid (we don't) and where it came from. So, I picked it up and my mouth just fell open. I mean, I didn't even own this car when I moved.
There, in my hand and smiling at me, were Veronique and Liz. The picture I had spent hours searching for and agonizing over was suddenly there. There were the words I had needed so badly almost a year ago. And the picture itself was as clean and perfect as the day I had found it in the envelope in the drawer.
I laughed.
She just wanted to say hi.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:01 AM
| link to this post | 6 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!

Mandalay - Insensible

12/14/84 - 1/26/05

April 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

January 2008

February 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

October 2010

November 2010

February 2013

September 2016

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you donâ€™t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"

Veronique

Yoda

Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa

Snow

dooce

Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!

All my past photos...

Tagged by Yoda...

I'm just a notch in a bed post....

two for the price of one

morning issues

HNT - the hard as hell version

So... he called :)

not so anonymous

Happy New Year Blog-o-sphere!

My 2005 song:

ringing it in

Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef