Lots of craziness: not so anonymous

Monday, January 02, 2006

not so anonymous

When you start a blog you do it one of three ways.
1. You decide to be completely anonymous. You use a fake name, create an email address under the fake name and then make sure that every reference to your life is so obscure that no one could ever link it back to you. You get a little cartoon avatar and you never tell your friends or family about it.
2.You decide to be semi-anonymous. You use a fake name or the internet 'handle' you have been using for a few years. You use the email attached to that handle or create one. You refer to your friends and or coworkers by little nicknames that you gave them. You use your real picture, but usually one that is just your eyes or from some angle that makes you look all artistic.
3. You decide you don't give a flying fuck what the world thinks of you. You blog under your real name with your email address that your isp assigned you. You use your real picture and you call your friends (or at least they are until they google themselves and see what you've written about them) by their real names.

Obviously, I am a (2) with a bit of (3). I don't use my real name or my friends' real names most of the time. I am obscure about where I live and where I work. The thing is though that if you know me and you know my real name and where I live, it is relatively easy to find my blog. I think or at least hope that it is a little more difficult to find the real me through my blog. Although, I am pretty certain that if you were adamant about tracking me down, you could pull it off. I just hope that I am too long winded for the psycho stalker guys. They start reading my blog and think Geeez, she wouldn't shut up long enough for me to rape her! Ok, not funny. I know.
Anyway, the point of this is that today, someone in Phoenix, Arizona found my blog by searching the last email address I gave them to contact me with. The same email address I have attached to my blog where all of you lovely people write me. It took me all of .028 seconds to realize that it was Amanda and Emilee's father (AZ).
Now, I know that Trin's dad has my blog address. I knew it when he sent me the email asking me to take his picture down from my flickr account. If you have my flickr account then you have my blog, it is linked in my profile. How the hell he got my flickr account is beyond me, but whatever. Since I know that he reads my blog, I generally refrain from posting about anything in regards to him. Not that there really is anything since we rarely talk.
But, for AZ to have my blog... now, that's new. To refresh your memories, I haven't seen him in six years and we haven't spoken to him in at least two. Every once in awhile, I get an email from him with a phone number to call but nothing ever comes of it. He hasn't sent his daughters birthday presents or cards, he has missed every Christmas for six years. The girls started referring to him by his real name about three years ago because he doesn't feel like their father to them any more.
I stopped being angry at him years ago. In fact, by his decision to continue down the path of destruction that he chose, he actually did me a huge favor. He forced me to do it all alone and in doing so gave me the independence that I now have. Not to mention the strength I have now for my daughters. He made it hard and that made me strong.
I wonder what he would think of me now.
When he and I met, ten years ago, I was almost fifteen. I don't even know that girl any more, she is like a skin I shed years ago. Would he even know me any more? Or would I just be completely foreign to him now? I like to think that he knows I am doing everything for the girls that I can and that I am a good mother. Whether he thinks that or not, it is still true. I always wanted him to be involved with them, they wanted it. But, he just couldn't ever seem to get his shit together.
He crosses my mind sometimes and I wonder what he is doing, if he is happy, if he thinks of the girls, if he misses them. I can't even imagine not seeing my girls for six years, I would go insane with out them. When he was gone for a year, I thought that he would change, that a year of not seeing his girls would drive him to sobriety. Now, six years later, I don't know if he ever will and while he is off living off of his addictions, my daughters are pushing me to date so that they can have a new dad.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 12:00 AM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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