Wow. It's almost over, this whole year has just passed by so quickly. It seems like the older I get, the faster time passes.
This year was huge for me. I think I have learned a lot. I had intended to sit down and type out a list of things that had happened, I wanted to link back to all of the forming events and recap and summarize what all 2005 held for me and my family.
But, as I sit here now, only one thing stands out.
I lost my best friend this year.
I have never been through anything that was even remotely comparable to the pain I have experienced this year. When I became a mom, I felt true happiness. When I lost Veronique, I felt the exact opposite, a completely broken heart.
This changed, so much, the way I feel, the way I react, the way I look at my world. Things I took for granted before; I try not to, things I have put off; I am trying to accomplish, people who I care about; I am trying to make sure that they know.
Everything that was jumbled on my list has jumped into its proper place in my perspective. In short, I grew up again.
I can count the times that something life changing has happened for me. I can remember specifically the first time my innocence was shattered when I was a child, watching my father choke my mother when she was pregnant with my sister and knowing that I had to make him stop or he would kill her. I can remember the first time I realized I was the only person who would take care of me, when I was fourteen and moved out. I remember the first time I felt true and complete love, when I held Amanda for the first time and looked at my daughter. That event, coincidentally was the first time I felt really scared realizing it was now my responsiblity to make sure that she was happy and healthy and loved. When AZ and I split up, I had to become independant. Totally alone with my girls and I had to do it.
There have been other times, other things, that have help mold me into the person I am now. But, this year, I became jaded. I had always believed that you got what you put out. If you wanted something, you earned it. I have always believed in Karma and Balance. If something bad happened to me, I chalked it up to something bad I had done. I wasn't pissed off, I figured that The Universe was just keeping things in check.
And then The Universe took Veronique. She was this perfectly wonderful soul. This person who would do anything for anyone. She was the very definition of good.
My whole "what goes around, comes around" attitude was suddenly wrong.
Now, I still believe in fair and Balance and Karma. I don't plan on changing the way that I behave because she is gone because she would never want that. But, I did step back and take count of what is in front of me. And I have changed this year. Any remaining naivete has vanished. Even looking at the happiest of things, I still feel a little pain of sad. When something wonderous happens in my life, I can't call her and tell her about it any more. And that breaks my heart.
Everyone says that it goes away. That the ache fades to fondness and rather than feel that stab to my heart when I think of her, I will one day smile and know that she would be happy with me if she was here. I am skeptical that I will ever not feel the twist in my stomach. And I am sad that I won't get to share all of the things I wanted to share with her. I miss her. I have missed her all year and I have just been trying to adjust.
Last year, at the end of December, I did my list of resolutions. This year, I am not resolving to do anything for the very first time. This year, I am placing no requests nor expectations on my plate. I am going to just live and just be happy. I am going to be a Mother, a Friend, a Sister and a Daughter with the best of my abilities. She would have wanted that.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
April 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
February 2013
September 2016
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
February 2013
September 2016
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Christmas: check
at least the lesbians like me
Merry Christmas Blog-o-sphere
wake up!
Oh wow!
Christmas Eve
cookie swap
gracefully
postponing the dirt for the meme
Hobbes' Loot
at least the lesbians like me
Merry Christmas Blog-o-sphere
wake up!
Oh wow!
Christmas Eve
cookie swap
gracefully
postponing the dirt for the meme
Hobbes' Loot
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
|
The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
