Three things happened to contribute to my being off the net for three days:
1. Everyone moved out of my house Friday. It's just me, my three girls, three dogs, two birds and one turtle.
2. My AC went out.
3. It was 105 degrees.

Labels: being a Home Owner, family drama, my crazy life, Texas

In the next week or two, my house will consist of the following inhabitants:
Myself, Amanda Panda, Emo, Trin-Trin, Madame Chicita Puppy, Crush the Turtle, Woodstock the very vane cockatiel, and Peanut the World's Grumpiest Parrot.
At which point, my intentions are to go through every room in my house one by one, all the closets, all the cabinets, under the beds, the shelves... you name it. I want to know exactly where everything is and get rid of a bunch of stuff we don't need.
It's no weekend project people.
It's a SEVERAL weekends project.
And that's cool. Because, in case you haven't noticed, I don't have much of a social life :) And once I'm done going through my house, I will be going through my shed and seeing what the hell lives in my carport.
Now that it is finally going to just be me and my girls and gang of pets we've managed to accumulate, I want to make it our house again. And I want to enjoy all of the hard work that is going to go into not just restructuring the things in our home, but also in restructuring the way we take care of our home as a family (read: chores hehehehe).
So what am I going to want at the end of a long day of cleaning and organizing and restructuring?
Something that could go into one of these recycled newsprint wine bags.

Right?
I'm already dreaming of sangria.
Jiffinner? Fairy? The Cake Lady?
You know you want to come drinks sangria _{and maybe help me reorganize my house on your weekends off} right?
Hehehehe...
Do you know about something bad ass and recycled?
Shoot me an email. Link's on the right.

Labels: Amanda, being a Home Owner, being Earth Friendly, Being Mommy, Emilee, family drama, RBATOTD, recycling, shopping, soul sisters, stuff I like, Triniti

Do you know what this is?

It's my brother's new duplex! Or townhouse! Or whatever you want to call it.

Amenities include:
9' vaulted ceilings
Walk-in closets
Full-size washer/dryer
Whirlpool appliances, built in microwave
Extra storage space & separate pantries
Ceiling fans

Enjoy living in a beautiful town home and walk on over to use the swimming pool, hot tub, BBQ area and our 24 hour fitness center. Meet your neighbors at Bingo night or for Saturday morning homemade baking and fresh coffee while you read the paper. Stay with us while you are building your dream home or indefinitely!
We are just blocks from the downtown shops and a short drive to IH-10. Hope to see you soon and remember to be a great neighbor wherever you are!

They have a calendar page too with cool community activities! Like bingo night and monthly pot-lucks. So nice.
And for those of you who know how stressed I've been with my family stuff, this is one less thing... even though it's my brother and I'm going to miss him... it's still one less thing.

Labels: family drama, Noah

A few days after my birthday, Fairy and I were standing outside on my porch talking when It all came crashing down. One minute I was rationalizing why I was fine and the whole birthday, softball, my mother, my job thing was no big deal. The next minute I was sobbing and Fairy had this look on her face like OHMYGOD, KATE IS CRYING, SHE NEVER CRIES, WHERE IS THE ABORT BUTTON??
It's true.
I cry.
But I cry in private.
And into my glass of wine... hehehe
I don't believe in keeping it all in or suffering in silence. I know from experience that is the fork in the road that leads to a deep dark place called Depression and I've visited that place before. It's unpleasant.
I've tried therapy but I've found that rather than trying to recap as much of my life as I can in hour long sessions to someone who doesn't really care about me isn't for me. Instead, I am ridiculously blessed to have these amazing friends. Friends I can call and hash it out with and they grab that rope I am hanging off the edge with and pull me back up and let me know I'm not a failure as a mother/sister/friend/employee/daughter/human being. Sometimes you need to be told that.
Last month, I was hanging on the edge and after I melted down with Fairy, I knew I needed to let some people know I wasn't doing great so they could keep an eye on me. And so I called Jiffinner and Lola and I think even Miss SnowElf.
And I could say it you know? I can say "I'm not OK, I'm losing control of everything...."
Everything was spinning out of control and really I had been doing ok with managing it all until The Softball Fiasco all came to a head because, let's be honest, I got my feelings hurt which doesn't happen to me too often. But more, I felt like such a bad mother. Don't get my wrong, I know I did the right thing. I just hated that my kids were having to pay for it. It was unfair, and I think I've mentioned how I feel about Unfair.
And my stomach had been hurting for the better part of a month and I was pretty sure I had an ulcer, so I went to the doctor. I was sitting there with her on the padded table covered in tissue paper after my test results said no ulcer and she asked me if I was more stressed out than usual and my eyes welled up.
Yes.
My usual level of stress involves being the sole provider and single mother to three daughters, (one of whom is months away from being thirteen and has freaking boobs) a couple of dogs (one of whom is deaf), a parrot, a cockatiel, a turtle, a cat and her two kittens, a mortgage, a car payment, an unlandscaped yard, a house that is NEVER clean...
But lately, that stress has been increased by a job that up until VERY recently wasn't secure and three extra people living in my house that were showing no signs of ever wanting to leave which was making my daughters start to resent me for putting these people in our space who they really don't want there and the softball drama.
Yeah, my usual level of stress had risen and I wasn't dealing with it too well.
She prescribed me Buspar for anxiety.
And it's taken the edge off. The stress is still here but I can think about it now without feeling like it's all going to come crumbling down.
I can breathe.
And breathing has been this amazing thing that has led to me making some hard but necessary choices about how to right my world. They are as follows.

I have to find a new home for Blue. He is a sweet dog but he is too aggressive and he is constantly hurting the other dogs and it doesn't seem to matter what I do with him, he's just too alpha male...
I have to get better organized (there is a post coming about that soon).
I have to clear my house out of extra people. This is the hardest decision for me because I have SO. MUCH. GUILT. A lot of you know already about the situation I am in with my mother. My mother is in a bad place emotionally but unlike me, she isn't willing to do anything about it. She is just festering there and has been for years. On account of this, she has nothing going on in her life. She just stays wherever, doesn't work and is just unhappy. I am not responsible for this and I have been helping her for years. But making her leave my house is necessary because she resents my kids and isn't nice to them. And every time I think about it, I have to remind myself that it isn't my fault she has made these choices and she has to get out there and right her world because she has been with me for years and obviously being with me isn't helping her. I just hate that I am sending her away from my home, a safe place, to an unknown place. It's like she is one of my kids and I want very much to protect her but I can't anymore. She's got to grow up now.
I need to cut down some costs so I can get a better financial cushion going in case I start to feel unstable again.
I need to get healthier both physically and emotionally.

I know I can make all of those decisions realities. I know I've had my life be much harder than this. I know I am going to be ok.
I'm just going to keep breathing.

Labels: Amanda, At work, Being a Chic, being a Home Owner, Being Mommy, Emilee, family drama, Lola, my crazy life, my mother, SnowElf, soul sisters, Triniti

Or Have a Happy New Year.



Unfortunately, I will not be around for the New Year. I will be in Dallas with my mother's family. My Uncle is turning the big five-oh and we are all sneaking up there to surprise him.
So while some of you will be home with your significant other sipping champagne and watching the ball drop, I will be ringing it in with all of my relatives.
Without a single hope of being kissed.
By a really cute boy.
*sigh*
No, no. It's okay.
I'll be fine.
Kiss-less, but fine.
(Unless of course you have some cute, single boy with an accent just sitting around that you want to get rid of. If that's the case call me!)



So, next time I see all of you crazy people, it will be 2009.
And I have plans.
Oh yes.
Plans.
A new year? Well this will be one with some changes.
Oh yeah, changes.

And if not changes? Then there will certainly be procrastination.
I can promise you that one of the two will occur.
Oh yes.

Labels: Dallas Trip, family drama

I'm done. Finished. It's over.
Thank. You. Universe!
The last three months of insanity have finally come to an end. The homes here are completely redone (pics soon, I promise), my Halloween Party is done AND cleaned up (thank you Jiffinner, The Cake Lady & Fairy for all your help!!) and yesterday I took my Certified Office Manager test!
The Big Three Things that were sucking up all of my time and attention are done.
Finally.
And do you know what dear reader? I'm already getting out of sorts with the thought of all that free time. I'm already trying to book it up. I'm having to make serious effort to not book it up. What is wrong with me that I just can't accept some stillness? Some down-time? I have issues. (As if that is news to ANY of you :P)
Here is what the rest of my year is looking like:
Amanda turns twelve on the 19th. *gasping for air* Give me a second. *grabs paperbag, deep breathing* Ok, I'm all right. So Amanda turns twelve and has opted that instead of a huge birthday party, she wants a huge present. This is cool with me. In fact, in my house we kinda have this teared birthday party option chart. It goes like this:
Big party and little gift
Medium party and medium gift
Small family party and huge gift
I'm cool with any of the three options seeing as how they cost me the same amount of money and it really is up to the girls how they want to do it.
But get this, the kids is trying to Out-Electronic me. She wants an Ipod touch. It was that commerical, the one where you are driving the car or whatever by moving the Ipod as if it were a steering wheel that pushed her over the edge. So I have to get a small party together at home where she is awarded a mack daddy mp3 player and I push down my jealousy.
Thanksgiving is on the 27th. This one isn't too bad for me since The Cake Lady usually just tells me what to bring and when to show up. I do want to try out a few recipes first as I am feeling brave and Fairy is begging me to make a pumpkin cheese cake (DB?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?) which I've never done before but I think I should attempt like a hundred times before Turkey Day since cheesecake is gooooood :)
Christmas is in seven weeks! You know, I really enjoy Christmas. It's the one holiday that I do not attempt to do anything except for be home with my family. I don't typically travel and there have been a few years where it is only the girls and I which I really love. I cook (I know, shocking!) and we all spend time together which is so nice. However, I freaking hate the shopping part. I hate trying to figure out what to buy the girls and how to be fair in shopping for everyone. I hate trying to figure out who else I need to get gifts for and what to get them. It stresses me out and I think half of the reason I love Christmas is that when it finally happens, it's such a relief to be done. It's a lot of work.
I leave for Dallas on December 30th. This year, I somehow got tricked into going to Dallas to spend New Years with my mother's family. Although traveling by car for anything over an hour is usually an excuse for a temper tantrum in my book, it will be a significant improvement over that year when that guy I did the whole New Year's Eve Blind Date Thing with bit me.

And then that's it people. 2008 will be over. I'm tempted to start my recap post now since this has been such a huge year for me but I will save that for another day.

Labels: Being Mommy, Christmas, Dallas Trip, daughters, family drama, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, recipes, Thanksgiving, The Cake Lady, The Universe

Recently I went to the home of an older woman who was the foster parent of a little boy who is in Triniti's class. The state of this home was atrocious. The elderly woman claimed she had been very ill lately and everything had gotten away from here and whether that is true or not, all I could think about was this poor little boy. I wanted to put him in my car and take him home and put him to bed in a clean and safe home. A home without roaches or that smell of too many animals who aren't house broken.
It killed me.
And in doing so it made me realize that there are an insane amount of kids just like that little boy. There are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of kids out there who dream about a clean and safe home. And, dear reader, I have one.
So I have applied to become a foster parent.
My brother will be moving out at the end of the school year and when he does, I intend to take in another child. Someone who is between five and ten years old and who needs me and who needs my girls.
I cannot think of a single reason why not to. I have a home which is plenty big enough, I have the financial capabilities of taking on another person but more importantly - most importantly I have the room in my heart to love someone else and there is with out a doubt someone out there who needs to be loved by me and my family.

Labels: adoption, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, Noah, sisters

So, my brother is insisting that we buy new cookware and dinnerware and bakeware and silverware.
That's a helluva lot of "wares"...
But I'm all "sure, I'll take care of it..." thinking hey, it's shopping, it's bound to be fun!
Wrong.
I looked around online for a few hours and then I called my brother and I was all, "uhm, so I was thinking we don't really need new pots and pans and dishes and shit. The ones we have are fine."
And he is all, "Kate, get new stuff. Your stuff is old. And shitty. And you can afford new stuff so get new stuff. Did I mention shitty?"
And I was all, "No, I don't want to."
Then there ensued a conversation about how most of my current cookware was given to me when I was broke and moving into a house and had no stuff. And so it was second hand cookware that had "seen better days" and doesn't match and is falling apart and WHY IN THE HELL WON'T YOU JUST BUY NEW SHIT KATE?
I skulked off and pouted about it for awhile and then admitted to my brother that I don't know my ass from good cookware or bakeware. Or hasn't he noticed in the last almost year that we have been living together that I hardly ever cook? And when I do it's because it's either A) Microwavable, B) From Freezer to Oven, or C) Pasta and Chicken.
ps. I make awesome pasta.
Given that little morsel of knowledge, wouldn't one assume that I am not the best person to make major purchases for kitchen? Unless it's a coffeemaker because I rock at buying those. Mostly because I have a tendency to break things and after you've broken like nine carafes, you are a coffeemaker buying goddess.
My brother told me to handle it and then refused to listen to me bitch about it anymore.
So I did what any smart chic would do, I called The Cake Lady. And we had a lengthy discussion about cookware and bakeware and she is all excited and I am trying to stay awake AND retain all of the knowledge she is giving me about various types of cooking apparatuses.
ps. this did not happen
I'm all, "I should just buy whatever it is that YOU have, your stuff looks good." And then she is all, "Well, you should see what different sets are out there because the set I have may not be the set that you will use." And I was all, "YOU MEAN THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SETS?"
And then I cried.

So I've put the whole bakeware and cookware and silverware thing on hold but decided this morning to peruse some of the dinnerware. Usually when I do this, I can look at dishes for all of like thirty minutes and then my brain starts screaming at me: Stop it Kate! Stop it right now or I am leaving!!! And I am fairly certain my brain has bailed out before, so I take these threats seriously.
But this morning, on overstock.com, I actually found a few sets that I like. Even though I think that they are ridiculously expensive.
Check it out people. Which one would you pick?




ps. I pretty much can't stand the coffee cups on all of them. But that's because I like HUGE coffee cups. And I guess I could find HUGE coffee cups that matched one or both of the colors on the plates and use those instead.
Like anyone actually uses coffee cups with the dinner dishes anyway.

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Retarded, excuses excuses, family drama, I'm a loser, my crazy life, Noah, The Cake Lady

My family is a constant reminder to me of why I prefer being single and why I crave so often to live alone. It's the way we as a family were raised. There is always so much fighting which I guess comes with any family but man my family is so fucking ugly about it. They don't want to discuss or argue out a specific instance and just leave it at that, they instead want to bring up anything and everything hurtful that they can think of until they have found some way to feel like they've won.
I can't remember in my relationships if I fought that way or not but I KNOW I don't do it anymore. I make it a point to not live that way, not act that way, not project that way. I make it a point to focus on the facts and what is actually going on and not bring up all of this crap that happened before. I mean what the hell is the point of even having that kind of argument?? You certainly aren't accomplishing anything. You're just being mean.
And it is EXACTLY what I don't want to do to my girls.
It is EXACTLY what I want to keep them from doing to the people in their lives.
I am so unbelievably careful about what I argue with people about and when I do, it's just to stop something from happening (or start something, whichever the case may be). I very rarely will lose my temper but when I do, I make it a point to stay on topic.
And my family? They make it a point to get off topic in any direction necessary to feel like they've won.
I just don't understand it.
And I don't understand how I am from a family like that.
Or why my family doesn't change their unhealthy behavior.
Why would you want to be like that?

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, my mother, Noah, un-fucking-believable

I am laying bed with Trin last night as she was "scared of the ghost" and she needed me to "hold her tight". After a few minutes "holding her tight" was changed to her laying on my arm. She was still for a few minutes and I thought she was asleep and considered getting up to go do one of the five million things I had thought about since I laid down with her.
But then she started moving around. It was pitch black in my room so I wasn't sure what she was doing but I knew if I asked her that we would get involved in another ten minute conversation about dodge ball or fairies or she would need to show me again that she can count to 100 just letmeshowyou!
I opted instead to just lay there and wait for her to stop wiggling around. Until I noticed that the type of wiggling she was doing was consistent with that of someone picking their nose.

"Triniti, are you picking your nose?"

*giggling*

"Oh Trin, that is gross. Why are you picking your nose?"

"Because there is a booger in there..." Duh.

"Well go get a tissue baby, digging in your nose is yucky."

"No, I already got it out."

"Eeww."

*more giggling* "I put it on the blanket..." *more giggling* "It's on your side..."

Labels: Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, Triniti

If you are an older sibling then you can probably remember some time when you got saddled with your little brother or sister and you just felt like you were chained down - withheld from everything you wanted to do.
Sometimes, as a mother, you feel like that.
Sometimes you feel like you just want to get into your car and drive as far away as humanly possible as fast as your car will take you. You want to just leave behind everything and be free like you were when you were a carefree kid out playing with your friends with your little sister or brother safely at home with your mom and dad.
And on days like today, I can totally relate.
Days that start with two hour melt downs, where your emotionally exhausted by 7am when you drop your kids off at school.
Days where you spend the next eight hours feeling like the worst mother on earth.
Days where your boss's boss is there and you have the opportunity to be all awesome but all you can think about is googling new AS ideas in hopes that you can find something that will make your life just a little easier.
Days where you pick your kids up from daycare and school only to find that none of the bad attitudes from that morning have faded, in fact - they've grown into larger and more dangerous monsters.
Days where your daughter won't eat anything for dinner so when she picks up a Halloween cupcake and acts like she might eat it, you tell her to go ahead - only to see your almost eleven year old roll her eyes as she walks out of the kitchen mumbling something about how she always gets everything she wants. And your nerves are so raw that you attack her because you've got to unload on someone. And then your otehr daughter doesn't even eat the fucking cupcake.
Days where she doesn't want that apple juice in that cup because its the wrong color and she didn't actually see you pour the apple juice.
Days where you just can't even imagine surviving tomorrow if it is like today.
Those are the days when you want to drive far far far away and leave these people, these children behind and seek out that feeling of being unfettered.
But it isn't like when you left the sibling with your mother.
You ARE the mother.
Some days, even when you know its just a really bad day, being a mother sucks.

Labels: Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, self loathing

Labels: Amanda, community, Emilee, family drama, flooding, missing in action, my crazy life, The Universe, Triniti, un-fucking-believable

So it seems that I am out of practice :) Now, with a blank "canvas" in front of me and actual time to write, I find myself lacking tons of interesting things to tell all of you. And holy effing smokes, there is still an "all of you"! I had comments yesterday! As in, the SAME day I posted!
Thanks guys for hanging around for the last year while the Katehopeeden you know and love was abducted by the Super Evil UFO From Hell and replaced by the boring drone girl with no creativity.
Run on sentence? Possible, very possible...
Anyway since I am seemingly incapable of thinking up anything awesome to tell you all, I would like to, instead, introduce you to some new members of my family.
About three weeks ago, the little white stray kitty that wandered into my life in September had her some pretty babies.
Two Calicos and a little gray striped male.
They are currently living in my closet and have been given temporary names by my daughters that I can't remember except that they all start with the letter "S" and I think that the striped one, claimed by Trin, is being called "Stripey".
They will receive real names in the next few weeks as they start to develop personalities and I finally accept the fact that I can't give them away.





And the money shot:


Who does that remind you of??

Labels: baby kitties, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life

First of all, thanks to ALL of you who emailed me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday :) I appreciate it so much.
I know, there's nothing here.
I am totally blocked World.
I can't write an email or in my journal, let alone a blog post that even remotely resembles entertaining.
I'm blocked.
I've got a bunch of stuff going on (totally typed "stiff" the first time and trust me people I don't got none of that going on).
I've got personal stuff, emotional stuff, work stuff, kid stuff.
I've got stuff.
Lots of it.
And not a lick of it blog worthy should I suddenly be able to break down the brick wall with the giant "No Complete Sentences" sign hanging on it.
Be patient with me, I'm still here.
I'm just quiet.

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Being Retarded, birthday, Dating, excuses excuses, family drama, I'm a loser, missing in action, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, self loathing

So, my parents kept things civil until about 2. Then they started arguing. Mom left, Dad followed suit. He left for NM at about 6pm. I was bummed that he decided to leave early but relieved that the tension in my house was gone. I got to spend the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday with just the girls and got a lot accomplished around the house.
The girls were tickled PINK about the computer and their other booty. Amanda came and got in bed with me at like 2am and she was so happy. She said "mommy, Santa brought us our very own computer!!!" in her most hushed and extremely excited voice! :) SCORE! I was scared I was going to blow Christmas this year by not finding the right BIG gift...
Triniti loved the fur real puppy and the dancing Blue. OMG, Triniti was singing Jingle Bells last night in her bed. It was sooo cool. She sang and sang until she crashed. Totally cute. Emilee has almost beat the first Harry Potter game :)
Anyway, it was a good Christmas :)
~Kate
who put all the decorations away on Sunday

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, Christmas, Emilee, family drama, my father, my mother, Triniti

Well, as I thought, everything is getting crazy. My father drove in from NM on Saturday, planning to stay through Christmas... He and my mother (who have been seperated for 10 years) started hanging out and I have actually only seen him a couple of times since his arrival. They (of course) got into an argument and now neither of them will come to Christmas if the other is there, leaving it up to me to choose. Ok, screw that.
Know why I love Christmas? It is the one holiday where I have a few days off and I don't have to travel... I get 2-3 days at home without stress (or at least with minimal stress) and I get to hang out with my kids.
Now, there's drama. Lovely drama... I am just super-jazzed about this... So my mother calls today and lays on the guilt. Says she is going to just go to Dallas since I'd prefer my father to her (which I never said BTW)... My father says he'll just go back to NM (to avoid my mother) unless of course my mom isn't attending.
I am just like WTFE! I don't want tension and fighting on my almost stress free days... I want some egg nog and happy kids that love their new toys and my couch for some Christmas specials. I want to get my house cleaned up in a slow UNRUSHED fashion. I want to park my car on Christmas eve and not move it again until Monday.
I don't want to play mediator between my parents and have to deal with unhappy ppl. Selfish? Maybe, but I play mediator the whole dang year. I want a break. Plus I don't like exposing my kids to all that crap.

SEE! I told you! It's the full moon coming!

Oh and get this, SNOW.... It is supposed to snow during Christmas... Yeah it's all pretty and shit, but COLD. I am already freezing and it is in the 40's... SNOW? :(

Off to finish my Christmas shopping!

~Kate

Labels: Christmas, family drama, my father, my mother