Friday, June 05, 2009
breaking down
A few days after my birthday, Fairy and I were standing outside on my porch talking when It all came crashing down. One minute I was rationalizing why I was fine and the whole birthday, softball, my mother, my job thing was no big deal. The next minute I was sobbing and Fairy had this look on her face like OHMYGOD, KATE IS CRYING, SHE NEVER CRIES, WHERE IS THE ABORT BUTTON??
It's true.
I cry.
But I cry in private.
And into my glass of wine... hehehe
I don't believe in keeping it all in or suffering in silence. I know from experience that is the fork in the road that leads to a deep dark place called Depression and I've visited that place before. It's unpleasant.
I've tried therapy but I've found that rather than trying to recap as much of my life as I can in hour long sessions to someone who doesn't really care about me isn't for me. Instead, I am ridiculously blessed to have these amazing friends. Friends I can call and hash it out with and they grab that rope I am hanging off the edge with and pull me back up and let me know I'm not a failure as a mother/sister/friend/employee/daughter/human being. Sometimes you need to be told that.
Last month, I was hanging on the edge and after I melted down with Fairy, I knew I needed to let some people know I wasn't doing great so they could keep an eye on me. And so I called Jiffinner and Lola and I think even Miss SnowElf.
And I could say it you know? I can say "I'm not OK, I'm losing control of everything...."
Everything was spinning out of control and really I had been doing ok with managing it all until The Softball Fiasco all came to a head because, let's be honest, I got my feelings hurt which doesn't happen to me too often. But more, I felt like such a bad mother. Don't get my wrong, I know I did the right thing. I just hated that my kids were having to pay for it. It was unfair, and I think I've mentioned how I feel about Unfair.
And my stomach had been hurting for the better part of a month and I was pretty sure I had an ulcer, so I went to the doctor. I was sitting there with her on the padded table covered in tissue paper after my test results said no ulcer and she asked me if I was more stressed out than usual and my eyes welled up.
My usual level of stress involves being the sole provider and single mother to three daughters, (one of whom is months away from being thirteen and has freaking boobs) a couple of dogs (one of whom is deaf), a parrot, a cockatiel, a turtle, a cat and her two kittens, a mortgage, a car payment, an unlandscaped yard, a house that is NEVER clean...
But lately, that stress has been increased by a job that up until VERY recently wasn't secure and three extra people living in my house that were showing no signs of ever wanting to leave which was making my daughters start to resent me for putting these people in our space who they really don't want there and the softball drama.
Yeah, my usual level of stress had risen and I wasn't dealing with it too well.
She prescribed me Buspar for anxiety.
And it's taken the edge off. The stress is still here but I can think about it now without feeling like it's all going to come crumbling down.
I can breathe.
And breathing has been this amazing thing that has led to me making some hard but necessary choices about how to right my world. They are as follows.

I have to find a new home for Blue. He is a sweet dog but he is too aggressive and he is constantly hurting the other dogs and it doesn't seem to matter what I do with him, he's just too alpha male...
I have to get better organized (there is a post coming about that soon).
I have to clear my house out of extra people. This is the hardest decision for me because I have SO. MUCH. GUILT. A lot of you know already about the situation I am in with my mother. My mother is in a bad place emotionally but unlike me, she isn't willing to do anything about it. She is just festering there and has been for years. On account of this, she has nothing going on in her life. She just stays wherever, doesn't work and is just unhappy. I am not responsible for this and I have been helping her for years. But making her leave my house is necessary because she resents my kids and isn't nice to them. And every time I think about it, I have to remind myself that it isn't my fault she has made these choices and she has to get out there and right her world because she has been with me for years and obviously being with me isn't helping her. I just hate that I am sending her away from my home, a safe place, to an unknown place. It's like she is one of my kids and I want very much to protect her but I can't anymore. She's got to grow up now.
I need to cut down some costs so I can get a better financial cushion going in case I start to feel unstable again.
I need to get healthier both physically and emotionally.

I know I can make all of those decisions realities. I know I've had my life be much harder than this. I know I am going to be ok.
I'm just going to keep breathing.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:19 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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