I can't seem to narrow down the boat-load of thoughts I have in my head down to one or two poignant thoughts.
Sorry.
I want to write about Rob Thomas and how his new cd touches me.
I want to write about how glad I am that Fairy has found this guy that it looks like she is going to stay with... maybe forever. And how their two sons are like these bookends, they just fit perfectly. I am so proud of her for so many reasons right now. It makes me want to cry. In a good way.
I want to write about how my family is dispersing over the next few weeks. And how my sister and I just can't seem to find a relationship which kicks my ass. But also about how my brother and I have managed to and I never would have expected it.
I want to write about how this morning while Noah and I were driving to work, it suddenly occur ed to me that he may be headed in the direction of finding someone. My little brother, moving into a decent sized town with his two dogs and his apparent good looks and all that single guy no baggage thing going on. I just hope I like her.
I want to write about my trip to Ireland this time next year and start brainstorming with Jiffinner about what we're gonna do while we are there and maybe even start making reservations.
I want to write about how I miss my sister Blue and I wish I could go visit her.
I want to write about how I'm a little bothered by the fact that Mr.I and I haven't talked in awhile.
I want to write about Amanda and Em's dad and how his girlfriend asked me to let the girls call him for Father's Day and how I said no.
I want to write about the ideas I have for the girls rooms.
I want to write about the diet I'm about to go on which is less of a diet and more of an assisted lifestyle change.
I want to write about how the stuff at work is almost completely finished and I while it isn't what I wanted, it's better than what I didn't want.
I want to write about how I'm starting to feel a little lonely because HOLY SHIT I've been single for FOREVER. And while most of the time I am ok with that, it's bothering me a little right now.
And in that vein, I want to write about the very nice email I got from a very nice man on plenty of fish and how I wasn't even remotely attracted to him and that makes me feel bad.
I want to write about the movie coming out, My Sister's Keeper, which has previews that make me cry... and last night, when we were watching the previews and Cameron Diaz shaved her head, I told Amanda and Emilee that I would do that too if they had cancer and Amanda cried.
There is a lot I want to write about.
It's all coming people.
I'm about to explode from everything I've been holding in.

Labels: Amanda, Being a Chic, being a Home Owner, Being Mommy, Emilee, my mother, Noah, Ruthie, Triniti

A few days after my birthday, Fairy and I were standing outside on my porch talking when It all came crashing down. One minute I was rationalizing why I was fine and the whole birthday, softball, my mother, my job thing was no big deal. The next minute I was sobbing and Fairy had this look on her face like OHMYGOD, KATE IS CRYING, SHE NEVER CRIES, WHERE IS THE ABORT BUTTON??
It's true.
I cry.
But I cry in private.
And into my glass of wine... hehehe
I don't believe in keeping it all in or suffering in silence. I know from experience that is the fork in the road that leads to a deep dark place called Depression and I've visited that place before. It's unpleasant.
I've tried therapy but I've found that rather than trying to recap as much of my life as I can in hour long sessions to someone who doesn't really care about me isn't for me. Instead, I am ridiculously blessed to have these amazing friends. Friends I can call and hash it out with and they grab that rope I am hanging off the edge with and pull me back up and let me know I'm not a failure as a mother/sister/friend/employee/daughter/human being. Sometimes you need to be told that.
Last month, I was hanging on the edge and after I melted down with Fairy, I knew I needed to let some people know I wasn't doing great so they could keep an eye on me. And so I called Jiffinner and Lola and I think even Miss SnowElf.
And I could say it you know? I can say "I'm not OK, I'm losing control of everything...."
Everything was spinning out of control and really I had been doing ok with managing it all until The Softball Fiasco all came to a head because, let's be honest, I got my feelings hurt which doesn't happen to me too often. But more, I felt like such a bad mother. Don't get my wrong, I know I did the right thing. I just hated that my kids were having to pay for it. It was unfair, and I think I've mentioned how I feel about Unfair.
And my stomach had been hurting for the better part of a month and I was pretty sure I had an ulcer, so I went to the doctor. I was sitting there with her on the padded table covered in tissue paper after my test results said no ulcer and she asked me if I was more stressed out than usual and my eyes welled up.
Yes.
My usual level of stress involves being the sole provider and single mother to three daughters, (one of whom is months away from being thirteen and has freaking boobs) a couple of dogs (one of whom is deaf), a parrot, a cockatiel, a turtle, a cat and her two kittens, a mortgage, a car payment, an unlandscaped yard, a house that is NEVER clean...
But lately, that stress has been increased by a job that up until VERY recently wasn't secure and three extra people living in my house that were showing no signs of ever wanting to leave which was making my daughters start to resent me for putting these people in our space who they really don't want there and the softball drama.
Yeah, my usual level of stress had risen and I wasn't dealing with it too well.
She prescribed me Buspar for anxiety.
And it's taken the edge off. The stress is still here but I can think about it now without feeling like it's all going to come crumbling down.
I can breathe.
And breathing has been this amazing thing that has led to me making some hard but necessary choices about how to right my world. They are as follows.

I have to find a new home for Blue. He is a sweet dog but he is too aggressive and he is constantly hurting the other dogs and it doesn't seem to matter what I do with him, he's just too alpha male...
I have to get better organized (there is a post coming about that soon).
I have to clear my house out of extra people. This is the hardest decision for me because I have SO. MUCH. GUILT. A lot of you know already about the situation I am in with my mother. My mother is in a bad place emotionally but unlike me, she isn't willing to do anything about it. She is just festering there and has been for years. On account of this, she has nothing going on in her life. She just stays wherever, doesn't work and is just unhappy. I am not responsible for this and I have been helping her for years. But making her leave my house is necessary because she resents my kids and isn't nice to them. And every time I think about it, I have to remind myself that it isn't my fault she has made these choices and she has to get out there and right her world because she has been with me for years and obviously being with me isn't helping her. I just hate that I am sending her away from my home, a safe place, to an unknown place. It's like she is one of my kids and I want very much to protect her but I can't anymore. She's got to grow up now.
I need to cut down some costs so I can get a better financial cushion going in case I start to feel unstable again.
I need to get healthier both physically and emotionally.

I know I can make all of those decisions realities. I know I've had my life be much harder than this. I know I am going to be ok.
I'm just going to keep breathing.

Labels: Amanda, At work, Being a Chic, being a Home Owner, Being Mommy, Emilee, family drama, Lola, my crazy life, my mother, SnowElf, soul sisters, Triniti

Today's edition of RBATOTD is brought to you by Woman atop her Soapbox... who read it on Divine Caroline who read it on Southern Plate.
Whew!
But let's focus on the fact that Woman atop her Soapbox sent it.
Yay for WAHS!

I have a confession to make.
And I'm just going to come right out and say it.
*deep breath*
I always make too much food.
Always.
My mother constantly bitches at me about it. That whole "there are starving kids in..." speech? If I had a dollar for every time my mother has given me that speech, I could feed all the kids that are starving in other countries.
[I'm not making light of starving kids Internet, go donate to them.]

Anyway, spaghetti is one of those things I tend to make too much of. I'm just afraid I won't have enough for everyone.
And then my mother bitches at me, it's a viscious circle.
So, now, thanks to Woman atop her Soapbox, I can be all, "hey Mom, check it out - it won't be going to waste now!"
And then I can laugh maniacally as she eats her words about me being wasteful and always making too much food.
Eats them.



Spaghetti Lover’s Soup

2 cups leftover spaghetti sauce
Two cans diced tomatoes
Two cans kidney beans
Two carrots
One stalk celery (optional)
Dry spaghetti noodles (I use enough to make spaghetti for one person)
2 cups water
1 tablespoon Italian Seasoning (optional)
Dump sauce, tomatoes, kidney beans, and water into pot. Peel and chop carrots and dice celery, add to pot. Add seasoning if desired. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat, simmering until vegetables are tender. Add spaghetti noodles, which have been broken into one inch segments. Continue cooking until pasta is tender.

Photo courtesy of SouthernPlate

Ps. I would think if you have left over already cooked noodles as I frequently do that you could probably throw those in last minute instead of using new noodles. Just my two cents.

Be like Woman atop her Soapbox, and email me something bad-ass and recycled. You know you want to. Link's on the right yo.

Labels: cooking, my mother, RBATOTD

I am sick and tired of being a member of such a crap family.
I hate that the vast majority of the population has a family that even remotely resembles normal and I am stuck being the oldest daughter of the freakin' king of dysfunctional families. In a nutshell: my dad and mom both did ridiculous amounts of drugs and drinking and my dad beat the crap out of my mom which was the conclusion of about 80% of the screaming matches that took place about 60% of the time I was growing up. After my dad, my mom managed to get together with someone even more destructive and I left.
At fourteen, I moved out.
Now I made an assload of mistakes and I will be the first person to admit to them. But I will also be the first person to point out that I had no idea what to do. No one set an example in my life. No one said, "Hey Kate, this is how you do stuff." I was just suddenly a young adult who wanted a different life and had no idea how to get it.
That was fourteen years ago.
And fourteen years later, I have three amazing kids who I love and who I have raised without the aforementioned dysfunction I was raised with. I have three daughters in whom I am instilling the way to "do stuff" and who I spend the majority of my time and energy into not fucking up.
And you know what? I'm doing a pretty god damn good job.
And my family treats me like I am some white trash girl who has done nothing with her life. Like I am some girl who can't do anything by herself. They give me ZERO respect for getting to where I am in life with very little help.
And the irony of it? I am the ONLY one who has.
I want so very badly to cut them loose. To get rid of my mother and my brother and not have them be a part of my life. But for whatever fucked up reason, I don't possess the ability to do it. I don't have it in me to cut them out and turn my back on them.
And I hate it.

Labels: Being Mommy, fucking pissed, my crazy life, my father, my mother, Noah

My family is a constant reminder to me of why I prefer being single and why I crave so often to live alone. It's the way we as a family were raised. There is always so much fighting which I guess comes with any family but man my family is so fucking ugly about it. They don't want to discuss or argue out a specific instance and just leave it at that, they instead want to bring up anything and everything hurtful that they can think of until they have found some way to feel like they've won.
I can't remember in my relationships if I fought that way or not but I KNOW I don't do it anymore. I make it a point to not live that way, not act that way, not project that way. I make it a point to focus on the facts and what is actually going on and not bring up all of this crap that happened before. I mean what the hell is the point of even having that kind of argument?? You certainly aren't accomplishing anything. You're just being mean.
And it is EXACTLY what I don't want to do to my girls.
It is EXACTLY what I want to keep them from doing to the people in their lives.
I am so unbelievably careful about what I argue with people about and when I do, it's just to stop something from happening (or start something, whichever the case may be). I very rarely will lose my temper but when I do, I make it a point to stay on topic.
And my family? They make it a point to get off topic in any direction necessary to feel like they've won.
I just don't understand it.
And I don't understand how I am from a family like that.
Or why my family doesn't change their unhealthy behavior.
Why would you want to be like that?

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, my mother, Noah, un-fucking-believable

I was on the phone with my mother yesterday after leaving the pediatrician with Emo (another post) and my other line was beeping repeatedly.
I knew it was Amanda calling me from home for the millionth time and when I finally hung up with my mom and called her back, this conversation ensued:

"Amanda, I thought I told you that unless there was an emergency to only call me once and I will call you back as soon as I can..."

"Mommy, it was an emergency. Fairy called and asked me to move her clothes from the washer to the dryer [because Fairy doesn't have a washer and dryer right now and does her laundry at my house] and I had to touch two of her thongs!"

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, Emilee, my crazy life, my mother

I swear to... well, whoever that the reason I even have guilt has everything to do with my mother going to Catholic school and being raised Catholic. I don't think she had any choice, she had to just riddle us with guilt when we were growing up and now I just can't help but feel like shit when I think there is even an indirect way that I had something to do with something bad happening to someone.
Yesterday at New Kickass Job, my boss fired someone.
Someone I really liked.
And he did it right after he and I had a meeting.
And even though he assured me that our meeting had nothing to do with it, I just couldn't help but think that maybe I could have said something during our meeting to sway him not to fire this person had I just known that was going to be his next thing on his to do list.
And I just keep replaying, over and over and over again the talk we had trying to think of something, anything I could have said or done to have helped this person's case.
But then I started to think about why I was doing that.
(Because I'm all into self therapy apparently and since I already knew how it "made me feel", the "why I felt that way" was next on my check list. See how I just saved like five hundred bucks?)
Anyway, I realized that I frequently feel guilty, even when I know something isn't my fault.
Even when my boss has pulled me back in to assure me that what just happened had nothing to do with me and our talk.
Even then, I still feel bad.
And so I do what everyone in therapy does (self therapy or otherwise) - I find a way to blame my mother :)

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, my crazy life, my mother, self loathing

When I was 17 and pregnant with Emilee, my mom brought a friend of hers home. This woman's name was Paula. I remember during our initial meeting, she got on my nerves because she was bossing my then one and a half year old daughter around. I can see in retrospect that she wasn't 'bossing her' per se, but rather she was simply asking her to listen and behave. I had no idea then what a huge part Paula would play in my life. A year later, Amanda and Emilee's father was gone and I had no idea where and no notice that he was leaving. It was Thanksgiving and Paula had invited my mother and myself to her Thanksgiving dinner. I hadn't wanted to go. I had a baby and a toddler and I was extremely depressed over the situation with their father. I went anyway and had a nice time. Paula always has a conglomeration of people at her home. Old and young, hippies and straight and narrow, babies and grandmothers, family and friends. She calls these people The Farkle Family.
Friends Acquaintances Relatives Kin and Likely Extensions

Over the years, I saw Paula off and on. She holds two annual events that I attend:
*Her birthday party dubbed September Party. This is a three to four day long event. People travel to come and camp out on her property. They play disc golf and cook an insane amount of food. People drink and smoke and have a great time. Paula orders t-shirts every year and has them tie died. Everyone who wants one gets one (I have four). They are dated and the design is always slightly different.
*The second event is the Cookie Swap. This is the one I really look forward to. We have anywhere from seven to fifteen attendees every year. The set up is that every woman (or occasionally man) makes a dozen cookies for everyone else. So if there are ten people coming, you make ten dozen cookies, individually wrap them and bring them to the bar. We had the Cookie Swap at the same bar for years, sadly it was closed this year and we had to move to a new bar. Anyway, it has become one of my favorite events. I get to spend the evening in the company of a group of diverse and interesting women. We get to catch up on the past year, have a few drinks and a really good time.

I can honestly say eight years ago, I never would have thought I would have such a close friendship with a woman who is thirty years my senior. But Paula has come to be a person I greatly respect and admire. She has helped me out more times than I could possibly list and she has taught me the most valuable lesson I have ever learned. Independence. She has taught me by example and by lessons how to accomplish things I never thought I could accomplish. Everything from changing the belt in my washing machine to unclogging my own sink to proving that having a man in my life isn't a necessity.

I respect Paula's honest opinion of me, so when she stopped by two nights ago and told me exactly what she thought of me, it made me think. Here is a woman who has know me for eight years. Who has essentially watched me grow up. And as she informed me Wednesday night, thinks I have grown up well. She complemented me on a lot of things and really made me realize that I *am* doing a kick ass job as a mother, as a friend, as a woman, as a sister and daughter. And I am doing said kick ass job alone.

She briefly summarized my life and situations since she has known me and more or less told me how she proud she was of me. Pointing out, for example the fact that I hadn't spent the $140 bucks on the 5 year extended warranty for Irwin and Betsy (washer and dryer - see below) because I told her I could change out any belts myself. She laughed and told me that five years ago, those words would have never passed through my lips... and she was right. Five years ago I would have assumed that the guy did that or your hired someone. Five years ago, I would never have taken my sink apart with out a manual, lol. I've realized, I'm not scared to try something I have no idea how to do. In fact I am damn proud that I have the ability to learn and to try and eventually to accomplish any task that I put my mind to. This includes being a single mom, which was the last thing she told me. That she was impressed with the way that I raise my kids and how determined I am to be exactly the kind of mother I said I would be.

Almost eight years later, I am a proud member of The Farkle Family and I certainly consider Paula a surrogate mother of sorts. And you know what? I am proud of me too. It's nice to hear someone tell you that you are doing a good job every once in awhile.

~Kate

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, cookie swap, my mother

Ok, so I am going with BLUE font today as it is going to be fucking cold tomorrow. See what I started??? That's the last time I declare winter over until mid-March! Dang it. I do not like being cold. Maybe it's genetic. My mother wears two pairs of socks, all the time. Partially on account of an injury she got on her heal sometime in the mid eighties and also because she HATES being cold. This is a woman who doesn't use A/C... in TEXAS!
Anyway, I found myself doubling up on socks a few weeks ago. Gee, I hope that's the extent of how I mirror her. I found it is my hands that I hate being cold. (Ok, yeah, so could this be a more boring topic??? lol)

So, to change the subject... I am not going out on Friday as I had previously intended. Turns out my sister/babysitter has plans Friday. She ever-so-sweetly informed me that she rescheduled her plans from tonight to Friday so she could grab my girlies from daycare. Once a week, I have to close this place down, which means an 11 hour day and I don't get off until 7. I really don't mind much as it's a big chunk of hours all in one day. Better IMO to work an 11 hour day than two 6 hour days.

Ok, so I have to link all of you to Veronique's 'blog'. Turns out I am inspiring or something because after she read mine, she decided to make one of her own :) Read and comment and then go back and read some more :)

I was up very late last night chatting with Mr. I, who apparently doesn't need sleep. I find this to be an interesting phenomenon, not needing sleep, and I am incredibly envious of those afflicted with this type of "problem". I need sleep, several hours if I have any intention of functioning properly. A good 7-9 hours will do me. That used to be the recommended amount. 8 hours of sleep. However, they change those things so much. Eat this! No, wait! It's bad for you. Drink this! No, STOP! That's bad for you. You just have to cross your fingers I guess and hope like hell that you aren't screwing yourself up, lol.
Anyway, there was a point to that paragraph. Mr. I wants me to let him read my blog. I guess I mentioned it a couple of times and he is seemingly interested. So, VOTE PEOPLE. Go comment and let me know whether you think I should or should not link Mr. I to my personal thoughts/feelings/venting area. Your country needs you and so does my little insignificant blog :)

Oh and since I am in a linking mood, I would like to link you to another blog. If you scroll down among the monotony of my insanity and read any of the comments, you will see 'J', who has a marvelous blog. She is one funny, funny chic. Go read!

Ok, it's early, lots to do. I may treat you all later and write something else in here today!

Thanks for the comments!

~Kate

Labels: At work, Mr. I, my mother, My pathetic excuse for a love life, Veronique

So, those of you who know me and know me well, have had at least one conversation with me about my mother. Well last night, I'd had it. I have heard so many times, just tell her no, cut her off, tell her off, etc, etc. Last night, I did. It was interesting standing up to her in such a I'm-not-budging-on-this kind of way. I knew I was right, I know I *am* right and I am sticking to my guns this time. I am tired of having that woman have her way with me by using guilt trips. I carted her home and told her not to call me again until she went through some kind of attitude adjustment and came to grip with the fact that I don't owe her anything. I have more than paid my dues as a good little daughter.

So, it's NYE... When I was visiting fantasy land a few weeks ago, I was really wanting some hot little man to go out with tonight. I wanted that kiss at midnight. After this week though, I canceled my NYE plans and am looking forward to staying home with my girls and Veronique and having a slumber party...
Resolutions??? Gosh, don't you love it? Every year I come up with a half a dozen resolutions... new rules/guidelines/ideas for the next year... how can I make it better than the previous? Every year, whether I stick to my resolutions or not, it is better than the previous. Just growing up, learning things about yourself and making good decisions. But, for the hell of it and in the name of tradition, here we go.
1. More time with my girls. Every year, I get busier and busier and find that I am home less and less and when I am, I am busy with home stuff. This year, I'd like to set up Mommy/Daughter dates and go out and do something or stay in and do something, regardless of whether my dishes are done.
2. Writing! I want so desperately to finish a book. I really think if I just finish one, that two and three will be much easier to accomplish.
3. New car :) Does this count? lol... actually, I am planning to get another car when I get my tax return, something dependable and made in the last few years, rather than around the time I was born.
4. I am going to be more careful in relationships this year... Well I guess I was pretty careful in 2004 seeing as I didn't technically *have* a relationship in '04, lol. But I am not going to get into anything with anyone who is emotionally unavailable, period.
5. Career. I want to advance in my career and double what I am currently making. I don't mind investing another 6 months to a year here, but then I want to move up.
6. And last and least, lol, weight. I want to lose some and get into better shape, back to the gym for me!! AT least twice a week...

Now, back to work :)

~Kate

Labels: At work, Being Mommy, my mother, My pathetic excuse for a love life, resolutions, Veronique

So, my parents kept things civil until about 2. Then they started arguing. Mom left, Dad followed suit. He left for NM at about 6pm. I was bummed that he decided to leave early but relieved that the tension in my house was gone. I got to spend the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday with just the girls and got a lot accomplished around the house.
The girls were tickled PINK about the computer and their other booty. Amanda came and got in bed with me at like 2am and she was so happy. She said "mommy, Santa brought us our very own computer!!!" in her most hushed and extremely excited voice! :) SCORE! I was scared I was going to blow Christmas this year by not finding the right BIG gift...
Triniti loved the fur real puppy and the dancing Blue. OMG, Triniti was singing Jingle Bells last night in her bed. It was sooo cool. She sang and sang until she crashed. Totally cute. Emilee has almost beat the first Harry Potter game :)
Anyway, it was a good Christmas :)
~Kate
who put all the decorations away on Sunday

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, Christmas, Emilee, family drama, my father, my mother, Triniti

Well, as I thought, everything is getting crazy. My father drove in from NM on Saturday, planning to stay through Christmas... He and my mother (who have been seperated for 10 years) started hanging out and I have actually only seen him a couple of times since his arrival. They (of course) got into an argument and now neither of them will come to Christmas if the other is there, leaving it up to me to choose. Ok, screw that.
Know why I love Christmas? It is the one holiday where I have a few days off and I don't have to travel... I get 2-3 days at home without stress (or at least with minimal stress) and I get to hang out with my kids.
Now, there's drama. Lovely drama... I am just super-jazzed about this... So my mother calls today and lays on the guilt. Says she is going to just go to Dallas since I'd prefer my father to her (which I never said BTW)... My father says he'll just go back to NM (to avoid my mother) unless of course my mom isn't attending.
I am just like WTFE! I don't want tension and fighting on my almost stress free days... I want some egg nog and happy kids that love their new toys and my couch for some Christmas specials. I want to get my house cleaned up in a slow UNRUSHED fashion. I want to park my car on Christmas eve and not move it again until Monday.
I don't want to play mediator between my parents and have to deal with unhappy ppl. Selfish? Maybe, but I play mediator the whole dang year. I want a break. Plus I don't like exposing my kids to all that crap.

SEE! I told you! It's the full moon coming!

Oh and get this, SNOW.... It is supposed to snow during Christmas... Yeah it's all pretty and shit, but COLD. I am already freezing and it is in the 40's... SNOW? :(

Off to finish my Christmas shopping!

~Kate

Labels: Christmas, family drama, my father, my mother