My family is a constant reminder to me of why I prefer being single and why I crave so often to live alone. It's the way we as a family were raised. There is always so much fighting which I guess comes with any family but man my family is so fucking ugly about it. They don't want to discuss or argue out a specific instance and just leave it at that, they instead want to bring up anything and everything hurtful that they can think of until they have found some way to feel like they've won.
I can't remember in my relationships if I fought that way or not but I KNOW I don't do it anymore. I make it a point to not live that way, not act that way, not project that way. I make it a point to focus on the facts and what is actually going on and not bring up all of this crap that happened before. I mean what the hell is the point of even having that kind of argument?? You certainly aren't accomplishing anything. You're just being mean.
And it is EXACTLY what I don't want to do to my girls.
It is EXACTLY what I want to keep them from doing to the people in their lives.
I am so unbelievably careful about what I argue with people about and when I do, it's just to stop something from happening (or start something, whichever the case may be). I very rarely will lose my temper but when I do, I make it a point to stay on topic.
And my family? They make it a point to get off topic in any direction necessary to feel like they've won.
I just don't understand it.
And I don't understand how I am from a family like that.
Or why my family doesn't change their unhealthy behavior.
Why would you want to be like that?

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, my mother, Noah, un-fucking-believable

So, Only Other Girl At Work comes into my office and sets down Original Cute Boy's birthday card for me to sign. Before she came in, I was browsing the net for a present for someone I care about bunches for Christmas so I was already in that frame of mind. Add to it that my phone was ringing AND Only Other Girl At Work was standing over me asking me questions about Veronique since her picture is on my desk and my brain couldn't think of ONE SINGLE THING THAT WASN'T RETARDED to write on the card and I scribble: Original Cute Boy, Hope you have a happy birthday! [heart] Kate
Then my stomach falls on the floor when I see the [heart].
So I scribbled it out while saying, "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod."
And then thrust the card back to Only Other Girl At Work and covered my face with my hands.
She looks at me kind of funny and says, "what's wrong?"
I'm all nothing. I just can't think, that's all.
So she looks at the card and sees my scribbled out place before my name and says, loudly, "Oh my god, did you just write I love you?"

Labels: At work, Being Retarded, birthday, My pathetic excuse for a love life, un-fucking-believable

That would be my broken fifth metacarpal metatarsal (correction made ny nurse Tux, thanks!)...
Broken.
As in I will be in a fucking cast.
I wanted to write something all witty but the pain meds have taken away all my creativity.
I am taking Pity donations all week.

Labels: Being Retarded, I'm a loser, self loathing, The Universe, un-fucking-believable

Ok, remember how I said I was having phone issues?
Well, there was another thing besides the fact that my phone wasn't working: There was also a billing issue.
When I got my Blacberry back in February, I couldn't figure out how to get online or get my email.
Now, I am a pretty smart chic, so I couldn't believe that I couldn't figure it out.
Not wanting to waste hours of my life away on hold with Sprint, I figured it wasn't that big of a deal and I would just look it up online or ask about it the next time I had to call for something else. It wasn't like I could really use it anyway since I was working at Old Crappy Job Where There Is No Phone Service In The Building.
Well, the first time I couldn't get my phone to come back on, I called Sprint Blackberry Technical Support (SBTS) and got to speak to, for the first time, The Lovely Ladies in Kentucky who handle all the Treo & Blackberry technical issues.
As I have mentioned before, these ladies are awesome and we love them.
I tell the lovely SBTS chic what my phone is doing and, I shit you not, two hours later she had it fixed. So when she did her little "is there anything else I can assist you with today?" bit, I suddenly remembered that I couldn't access the internet or my email and I asked her to help me figure out why.
Another hour later, she reset my phone and it magically had internet and email icons on it's tiny Blackberry desktop.
And I was freaking out!
I told her what had just miraculously happened in front of my very eyes and she explained to me that my phone should have had those icons from day one. Apparently the person who activated my phone was supposed to have hooked me up with my internet and email and failed miserably to do so.
Then I asked her to explain to me why I had all of these "internet usage" charges on my phone when, as she now knew, I had no access to the internet at all whatsoever. She looked them up and said that she couldn't believe that they were there seeing as how I could. not. have. possibly. accessed. the. internet. with. my. phone.
Well I asked her to please make them go away to which she replied that she couldn't, Billing had to.
Then she transferred me.
To India.
[An aside: If you happen to live in India, this is nothing against you personally. However, if you are employed by Sprint, live in India, have never laid eyes on a Blackberry phone before and handle billing issues? Yeah, this is so directed at you.]
Of course, I didn't know it was India until I had been on hold for another thirty minutes.
Then I got to talk to some guy who had NO FUCKING IDEA what I was talking about.
I explained to him, just as I had the SBTS chic in Kentucky, what my issue was and the conversation went as follows:
Evil Sprint Dude in India: "Miss, I see the charges you are talking about. They are for internet usage on your phone."
Me, only slightly impatiently: "Yes sir, I know what they are for but I didn't have the internet until about an hour ago."
Evil Sprint Dude Who Likes To Make People Suffer: "Miss, all of our phones come with internet already installed. If you have these charges it is because you were using the internet."
Me, growing frustrated: "Look, I understand why the charges are there. What I am telling you is that I couldn't even access the internet with my phone until an hour ago. The person who activated it didn't turn all of my features on.
Satan Spawn Sprint Boy: "Miss, if there are charges for the internet, then you must have used the internet. If you didn't use the internet, how would there be the charges?"
[an aside: One wonders how valid your internet usage charges are on your phone hmmmmm?]
Me, taking deep breaths: "Look buddy, I understand what you are saying, I REALLY do. But the thing is, I COULDN'T USE THE INTERNET OR RECEIVE EMAILS UNTIL AN HOUR AGO. Ok, have you ever actually seen a Blackberry? Have you ever actually used one sir?"
Sprint Satan Spawn Who Is Trying To Suck Out My Life Force: "I am familiar with the device, yes."
Me, officially fuming: "Then you would know that there are icons on the desktop. One of those icons is a little globe looking thing that connects you to the internet. MY. PHONE. DID. NOT. HAVE. ONE. OF. THESE. UNTI. AN. HOUR. AGO. I could NOT access the internet in any way, shape, or form until then. Do you understand what I am saying to you?"
Totally Inept Satan Spawn Sprint Boy: "Ma'am, these charges would not be there unless you were using the internet. If you didn't use the internet, how would there be the charges?"
So I hung up on him.
Because I couldn't take it any more.

So, today, when I got a follow up call from Sprint and I explained that my issues had been resolved with my Blackberry since they had replaced it and when the lady said "is there anything else I can assist you with today?" I couldn't help it. I had to see if maybe she was the one and only person with The Power to refund me six months worth of charges that I had magically incurred.
I explain everything to her, just as I had to the SBTS chic in Kentucky and again to the Useless Indian guy and she puts me on hold for about fifteen minutes.
Which is cool, because I am at work so I just sat here and worked while listening to horrible hold music.
When she comes back on the line, she says, "Ok, I found all of the charges and I have credited your account $115.32 (which is actually $39.12 less than what I had come up with but who the hell cares? As long as it is over!).
Well, needless to say, I was practically speechless. Here she had just taken my six month old issue that I thought would never be resolved and fixed it.
I stutteringly thanked her and then felt the need to make sure she actually believed me that I hadn't ran up those charges. So I am explaining to her again that I really didn't do anything to create the charges and she says, "Ma'am, I just figured, people who buy Blackberry's don't buy them so that they can just make calls and receive text messages. If your phone has been broken for six months and you could barely use it to make calls and couldn't do a thing on the internet, you deserved to have those charges reversed! Now, is there anything else I can assist you with today?"
You've restored my faith in my cellular company and given me $115 credit on my account so I'm thinking: Nope.

Labels: my crazy life, Sprint, un-fucking-believable

Snow, who is The Most Amazing & Awesome Chic in the world today, sent me a text last night asking me what the name of the new Matchbox Twenty song was.
I raised a confused eyebrow and sent her back a text saying that Rob Thomas hadn't called me to approve any new MB20 songs yet so she surely must be confused.
But confused she was not.
And shocked I was.
(*Ok, enough Yoda talk, lol. -- no offense Yoda! :P)
Evidentally, Rob bypassed me this time on the song approval. Surely a grevious error on his part and I'm sure he will call any second to apologize.
In the meantime, they do have a new song out! AND A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT OCTOBER SECOND!!!
And do you know what that means people?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
Another tour BABY!
And who is going to go?
Um yeah, THAT WOULD BE ME!
God, I could do a friggen cartwheel right now.
:)
So, click on this picture (below) to go their website and listen to the new song :)



ps.ALL comments today must be accompanied by your favorite MB20 lyrics or they will be deleted people. DELETED!

Labels: Matchbox Twenty, music, soul sisters, un-fucking-believable, unsolicited advice, Who do we love?

Labels: Amanda, community, Emilee, family drama, flooding, missing in action, my crazy life, The Universe, Triniti, un-fucking-believable

I have to preface this by saying Of all the freakin' times to forget my camera!
Ok, now that that is out of the way...
Last month, I got an email asking me if I wanted to buy tickets for MixFest 2007. For those of you not in the know when it comes to San Antonio, we have a bis festival every year called Fiesta!
During this celebration, the local radio station does one of it's annual coinciding concerts. I like these concerts because they usually are headlined by bands that haven't quite made it huge yet so they are held somewhere relatively small, like Sunset Station. I have seen Hinder, Default, Ryan Cabrera, Gavin DeGraw & Switchfoot all at concerts put on by Mix 96.1.
So you can imagine my surprise (if you are a fan) when I got my email for MixFest and the headlining band was Blue October. I LOVE Blue October! Just ask The Cake Lady's husband, it's all we listened to like the first two months we carpooled together.
I forwarded the email to Jiffinner who immediately responded with: "Oh, my god. We totally have to go!" Yes, yes we do.
So, tickets were purchased and plans were made and all was well in the world.
Last week, as I was insuring that I would have someone to watch my children while I was gone, Amanda asked me where I was going. I told her and she said she wanted to come too because she loves Blue October. (Is she my kid or is she my kid?)
I was hemming and hawing when she mentions to me, ever so casually, that I was the one who implemented the No Concerts Until You Are In The Double Digits rule. I had indeed. So, I told her if the concert hadn't sold out that she could come and buy her ticket at the door. (I have to put in that the kid pulled two teeth in the last week so she would have enough money!)
Friday rolls around and the box office says they still have tickets so Amanda and I load up and head over to pick up Jiffinner, Jiffinner's brother Bubba & Bubba's new (or at least new to me) boyfriend The Amazing Adorable Boy (TAAB for short). Why is he TAAB? Because not even five minutes into the drive, when Jiffinner was questioning my taste in music as The Squirrel Nut Zippers belted out Blue Angel, TAAB not only knew who they were but also backed me up that they are quite rad.
So, we are all off to downtown SA.
I managed to get us there and parked with only one near death experience which will be forever known as The Second Time I Went The Wrong Way On A One-Way Road. Well, kind of. Technically it wasn't a one-way road. It was more of a two way road separated by one of those cement island thingies and I went on the wrong side of the thingie and THANK GOD no one was coming the other direction before all of my very concerned passengers managed to convince me that maybe I should JUMP THE FUCKING CURB ALREADY AND GET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD BEFORE WE ALL DIE! Which I did.
We parked and thus began the First Concert Experience for my eldest daughter.
I was really freaking out that we wouldn't get to the box office before they sold out of tickets and Amanda and I would listen to the whole thing from the sidewalk outside so when a scalper walked over to us and asked if we needed tickets, I went against what is normally my better judgment and asked her how much. Twenty bucks. That's five bucks less than they are at the box office... And she was promising me that they were real tickets (a promise that is about as good as a beer fart) so we handed her a twenty and hoped like hell Amanda wouldn't get arrested. Because we had indeed told her that she would take the fall :) She wasn't sweating it though. Plus, ticket looked real enough.


Tickets in hand, we went in and started to poke around. Amanda wanted to walk everywhere and look at everything so after I grabbed her a Sprite and me a beer, we started to wander around. A bunch of the Mix 96.1 people were holding signs that said "Free Hugs". I told Amanda that I was pretty sure that you got something if you hugged the right person and after she ate the biggest waffle I've ever seen, I was proved right. After Augustana finished their set, they announced that one of the Mix team had backstage passes for meeting the band. Amanda and I set out to find them. Amanda spots the chic right as she is picking out a very tall blond dude who has on a HATE ME shirt. As we are waiting to ask for backstage passes too, the tall dude reaches over and puts his hand on Amanda's shoulder and asks if he can bring her. The Mix chic, I think her name was Vanessa, looks at Amanda and I and says ok.
Holy shit.
We are carted off to the VIP area and made to wait for about ten minutes before being taken backstage. Right about then it occurs to me that I neither have a writing utensil of any kind nor a camera. Of all the fucking times to forget my camera. But the big blond dude, who's name was TJ, took pity on us and gave us one of his many Sharpies and we decided to have Amanda's shirt signed. A few minutes later, they announced that there would be no autographs - only pictures. It was starting to look like a bust since I hadn't brought a camera, but then they said that they would be taking pics of everyone and posting them on the Mix website. And they also announced that we would be meeting The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and not Blue October, which I was a little bummed out about but oh well.
As we get closer to it being our turn, the guys from the band are all smiling and waving at Amanda (who was the only "kid" to make it backstage) and she is totally bouncing around all excited. So when she walks over with her Sharpie and her smile, they asked her if they could sign her shirt!


They were really nice to her, giving her hugs and asking her how she was doing. She told them it was her first concert and they all thanked her for coming to their show. I was really starting to dig them until one dude reached over and patted me on the shoulder and told me, "thank you for bringing her out."
Uhm - pardon me? What am I, like fifty? Made me feel very much like an out of touch mom. Just a nice reminder that I am not a cool rocker chic anymore, but whatever.
And then we got our picture taken with them.


When they finally took the stage, Amanda was starting to fade. It was nine something and she was pretty ready for bed. They played until about ten thirty and then we had to wait until around eleven for Blue October to get set up. But she stuck it out and Blue October put on an amazing show.
All and all, I think it was a pretty bitching first concert experience for her.

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, music, my crazy life, un-fucking-believable

So, The Cake Lady and I took our families to the beach last weekend and had a blast (pics on my flickr account as usual).

This year, I wanted to build the big & bitchin' sandcastle that I don't ever seem to get to build.
So, Craig (TCL's son) and I got to work.
A few hours later, I was in some pretty yucky pain.
Today, the doctor informed me that I have Forearm Tendonitis.
WTF?
How old am I?

Info here: http://www.itendonitis.com/forearm-tendonitis.html

ps. This is, for a change, a completely valid reason for not posting. It hurts enough that I am using my left hand to operate the mouse.

Labels: Being Retarded, excuses excuses, missing in action, my crazy life, sandcastles, un-fucking-believable

I absolutely have to mention at this time that my middlest daughter, that would be the fantastic Emilee, brought home her TAKS test results (Giant Texas Standardized Test).
On the whole test, she missed only two.
Two.

She is so going to be supporting me in my old age :)

Labels: Being Mommy, Emilee, un-fucking-believable, Who do we love?

(title courtesy of The Girl)
I had big plans for my weekend.
I had decided to paint my kitchen and the furniture in it and I wanted to get as much of it done as possible ON Saturday so I could squeeze all of my regular stuff into Sunday.
I bought my paint (sand color for the walls and ocean color for the trim) and stain ("Atlantic" blue) on Thursday and Friday and all the other stuff I thought I would need: paint rollers, spongy paint brush things, clip on pour deals for the paint cans, latex gloves (mostly for the kids), two rolls of masking tape, a roll of plastic to cover the floor, sander pads for the sander I was borrowing from The Cake Lady, a big bottle of bleach to clean the walls with before I started.
I was totally prepared.
Saturday morning I got up 7ish and began clearing all the crap out of the kitchen. The girls were chomping at the bit to start painting but I sent them off to clean their room before we started. This involved no less than one reminder every two minutes that they were supposed to be cleaning and not goofing off.
At about eleven, I had the hallway prepared. The floor was covered in plastic, the doors were covered in newspaper and the trim was marked off with masking tape. I also had the two pieces of furniture I wanted to stain outside and ready to be sanded AND the girls had finally finished cleaning their room.
But sadly, the painting couldn't start just yet. You see, Saturday was softball tryouts. And every kid that is playing softball HAS to try out, even if they have already been assigned to the same team that they were on the year before (*-*AHEM*-*, that would be us).
So, I vacuum the girls room while they got suited up and deciding that I didn't give a rat's ass what I looked like, headed towards the front door. I tell the girls to get in the car and I will be right there. When they open the door, I hear Em tell Amanda that I had already started the car.
Which I hadn't.
[an aside: There was this one time that I left the Focus running half the night because I forgot to turn it off after jump starting Ruthie's friend's car and I immediately flashed back to that day and had a mini-heart attack that I had forgot to turn the van off the night before.]
So, I run over to the door and sure enough hear a car running, only it wasn't mine. There was a truck parked behind my van.
A truck I recognized to be that of Amanda's best friend's dad's cousin. (Right!? God, I've lived here too long when I am making connections that long.)
Background: I met this dude on New Years day. You see, I had a date NYE and Amanda spent the night at Camille's house. I met him when I went to pick her up... This guy is living in the cabin on Camille's parent's property. I could tell he was into me when I met him but I was pretty sure he wasn't my type. So I was nice, but brief and that was that. I have seen him two or three other times and always been the same way.
He said he was stopping by to talk to my landlord (he has a diesel mechanic shop next door) who wasn't there. I told him my landlord would be back around the 25th. Then he started trying to get chatty with me which I really didn't have time for and certainly wasn't in the mood for. I told him I wasn't trying to be rude but that I really needed to go. We were actually about ten minutes late by that point.
So, I run the girls down to softball tryouts only to discover that they have been rescheduled to next weekend (and I apparently didn't get the psychic memo about that). The girls are pissed because I made them go out on the field with the girls that play in the majors and it was a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y humiliating for them.
On the way home, we swing by The Cake Lady's house to borrow her sander and then head back home.
It is now 12:30.
Do you see how much of my day has already been wasted?
I put Emilee to work painting the hallway and Amanda to work sanding outside. Much to my pleasure, both girls completed the jobs that they had been assigned without bailing mid-way through.
Man, I dig them.
After they were done, they took Trin and went to play outside. I put the first coat of stain on my furniture and then went back inside to finish the hallway (Em can only reach so high) and to start on the kitchen.
At about 4ish, I went back outside to put the second coat of stain on since I knew it would be getting dark soon and I wanted to finish before it did. I am maybe halfway through what is a forty five minute job when my dog starts barking.
The truck is back.
Dude walks over and says hello and then says something about how I sure ran off quickly earlier and did that have anything to do with him! As Jiffinner put it, "yes, I have Psycho Radar and I knew you'd be here thirty minutes before you got here and had enough time to get my kids dressed in their softball uniforms and halfway into the car right as you were pulling into the driveway!"
Seriously?
At that point, not only am I sure I don't want to date this guy but he had just crossed the line from Strange to Officially Creepy.
What sucked was that I had.to.be outside. I wasn't even halfway done staining the table and shelves and it was obvious that I would be out there until I was.
So he starts asking me why I am single.
And I give him his out people. I give him the here, let me save your pride by squashing you even asking me out and having to be rejected speech. I give him the I'm Not At A Place In My Life Where I Want To Date speech. I insert the girls and my job in the appropriate "reason" categories.
Now a bright guy, even a semi-bright guy knows that this is when you withdraw. She isn't into you and if you proceed, she will shoot you down.
You guys do know this right?
But he isn't leaving.
And thank God, Jiffinner calls.
I tell him I need to take this call hoping to give him his out and instead, he goes to his truck to get a cigarette! Not only will he not leave, but now he is going to SMOKE in front of me?!! I haven't had a cigarette in 48 days and you are going to SMOKE in front of me??? ASS-HOLE.
But not only does he saunter (and believe me, he was sauntering) back over with a lit smoke, he is also carrying a bag with not one, not two, but THREE different kind of liquor in it.
At this point, the little pilot in my head is all yelling, "ABORT! ABORT! GET OUT OF THERE KID!!!" And I am like, yeah, I fucking know!
I mean, did he seriously think I was going to just set down my paintbrush and start doing body shots before letting him bend me over the van??
So, as soon as he is in range to hear my conversation with Jiffinner, I say: "Aw shit, you really need me to come pick you up right now??"
Jiffinner dutifully responds as only a true friend would. She raises her voice to a level that can be heard by an eavesdropper and says, "Yes. Right now."
To make it even more believable, I follow with, "Man, Jiffinner, I am right in the middle of something. Are you sure you need a ride right now?"
She reassures me that she does indeed and I say ok and hang up apologetically looking at the crazy dude and his bag-o-liquor.
I tell him I've gotta run and start putting my staining stuff away. Which I wasn't particularly pleased about since I wasn't even done yet. I even pull the girls in on the story and tell them to go and get ready because we have to go get Jiffinner.
He leaves and instead of leaving myself, I send Ruthie to town with the girls to get some dinner hoping that (a) my car being gone will dissuade him from coming back and (b) I can have an hour to actually get something done sans interruption.
I made good use of the time that they were in town and had hit a stopping point by the time they got back with the incredibly amazing and greasy hamburgers. I sat down on the floor with the girls and talked and ate and relaxed for a few minutes. When we were done and the girls had went off to get ready for bed, I went to check my cell (it was charging in the other room).
Three missed calls.
All from him.
No voice mail.
I put my phone in my pocket and went in to start pulling tape down and putting new tape up. Jiffinner had said she would stop by on her way home with more tape and wine so I was more or less killing time while waiting for her to get there. Ruthie and I were chatting and I walked into the hallway to get my tape and heard Chica start barking which was followed a few seconds later by a knock on the door. Ruthie said Jiffinner was here and I went to let her in.
Only it wasn't her.
Oh yes, you guessed it: Leaning up against my doorjamb, all Rico-effing-Suave is the dude again.
I step outside, leaving my hand on the knob which, if you know a thang about body language does indeed symbolize that I do not intend to hang out and am planning to go back inside.
He is saying that he would really like for the two of us to "hang out sometime". Not like hang-out all buddy-buddy but rather hang out, like I am too chicken shit to actually ask you out or my maturity level never rose above that of your average high school student and this is my way of letting you know I'd really like to bang you.
In the iconic words of Alecia Silverstone: "as if"
By this time in the game, I have been pretty clear that I don't want to date. Now apparently, I need to be even more clear in that I don't want to date him.
I tried to spare him. You saw that.
At this point, I have to just tell him no, I am not interested and hope he'll leave.
So, I tell him no, in response to his "hanging out" suggestion. And do you know what he says?
"Awww, you've been hurt haven't you?"
I beg your fucking pardon?
First off, none of your business.
Secondly, don't talk to me like I'm a puppy with a thorn in my paw. I've been a big girl handling all my own shit for quite awhile now.
Did he think I was just going to get all glassy eyed and jump into his arms because he was the first person who thought that I might need taking care of?
I'd have a million times more respect for a guy who actually gave me credit for taking care of myself.
I told him that whether I had or hadn't been hurt was of no consequence and that my answer was still no. So then he asks me, again, why I don't date. And I tell him I've no time and no interest. (Truth of the matter is I've clearly NO prospects - geez.) And he asks me, I shit you not, "what do you do when you need a man?"
This guy had been by my house three times in one day.
The first time, I was taking all three of my girls, clad in their softball garb, to tryouts. The second time, I was staining a table and a set of shelves. The third, I was painting my kitchen. After reiterating all of that, I asked him what exactly he thought I "needed" a man for.
"Intimacy."
While discussing this later with Snakeman, he would laugh and say, "Does he think that you are just sitting around waiting for some total loser to fall into your lap so you can take care of him and give him all the sex he's ever dreamed of and that he is the first lucky guy to stumble across you? Geez Kate, the dude thinks your kids are just trophies for a job well done in the sack."
At this point, I told dude that I wasn't interested and I was sorry but he really needed to go because I was in the middle of painting my kitchen.
He offers to come in and help.
I decline and point out that my sister is here and I am expecting company and he really needs to hit the road. He takes a step back and says that he needs to be honest with me and can he tell me something?
I am hoping it's that I am on Candid Camera.
So, he tells me that he's just recently (as in December) been released from PRISON.
PRISON people.
Released after he served a FIFTEEN YEAR STINT THERE.
I tell him I am still going to stick with my original no answer and that I really need to get back inside.
He says ok and seems to be letting off but when I go to shake his hand (that he offers to me), he hugs me instead (this rated a 9.5 on the awkward scale) and then does the (as The Girl put it) "creepy uncle at the wedding" thing where he slides his hands down my back.
Like if he grabs my ass, I will change my mind. Because forced molestation turns me on so much.
I pull away from the dude and he kind of does that hold on thing with my hips and leans in like he is going to kiss me. I pull completely clear and tell him he needs to leave and that I don't think I could have been any clearer.
And then I get my ass back inside.
And lock the door.
A few minutes later Jiffinner arrives with various bottles of wine and within minutes the creepy visit from Senior Psychopath is forgotten and replaced with catching up and discussing my plans for the kitchen.
Jiffinner leaves and I call Snakeman around ten in a lovely wine haze. He and I are trying to have one of our several hour phone calls and doing a pretty fair job of it as I have plenty to tell him about. I am about to the end of my recap of the day and he is just floored when he and I both hear my other line beep.
"That was him wasn't it?"
It was. I didn't answer it.
About ten minutes later, Chica starts going ape shit by the front door and a minute or so later, there is a knock. This sends Chica into a fit of hysterical barking and me into my bedroom for the baseball bat. I am freaking out a little but I stand in the hallway with my bat and hope he will leave. All of my lights are off and it is one in the morning. Both of these things dictate that he will leave.
He doesn't leave. He knocks again. Then he calls. Then he starts yelling my name outside making it very clear that he has no intention of leaving until I answer the door and since there is no way in hell I am doing that, we are at an impasse.
Snakeman is, at this time, torn between being pissed that he isn't in town, pissed that I don't have a gun and pissed that I don't have a bigger dog.
"Man Kate, I wish there was some way you could hand him the phone without opening the door!"
His suggestion was to call the cops.
Which I really didn't want to do because crazy as dude may be, he is still Amanda's best friend's cousin and I don't want to make waves.
His response, "I'll make sure and tell the coroner you felt that way."
I hang up and call the dude.
"Hello?"
"Hi Kate!" (he says all cheerily)
"What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm outside your door."
"Yeah, I fucking know where you are! What are you doing there??"
"I brought you some stuff."
"Dude, its one.o.clock.in.the.morning. You don't bring people things at one in the morning!"
"Yeah, but I am leaving tomorrow."
"I don't care. You need to leave now. Right now."
"Ok. I'm going to leave this stuff on the porch. Come and get it ok?"
Yeah because I've never seen a scary movie before.
I hang up and listen to him get in his truck and drive away. Then I call Snakeman back. And ten minutes later when Chica was barking again, he said he really thought I should call the cops.
So I called Jiffinner since her husband (The Bear) works for the police department and his best friend (Big D) is a cop and they were all at Jifiinner's house which is like three minutes away.
Three minutes later, they are all in my yard and The Bear and Big D are going around with flashlights checking every nook and cranny of my property and the neighboring properties and basically making me feel very safe.
After an hour of scouring my property and cracking jokes about how chics never show up at their houses wanting to get laid and bring boxes of food (which is what dude left on my patio). When they'd all left, I went back inside and called Snakeman and he kept me company until two or three and then, despite my being scared shitless, we were both too tired to stay awake any longer.
I fell asleep clutching the phone and the bat.
When I woke up the next morning, I called everyone to let them know I'd made it through the night and called Camille's parents to tell them what had happened. They apologized profusely and assured me that he had left for Dallas that morning and was gone.
That didn't keep him from calling twice and leaving me a voice mail acting as though nothing had happened. He just wanted to let me know he'd made it to Dallas safely and to give him a call when I had a chance!
Wow.
Called Lola yesterday and told her everything. Her exact words?
"Shit like that only happens to you, Kate."
Isn't that the truth.
All I wanted to do was paint my kitchen.

Labels: un-fucking-believable

Only you should imagine snarling and hissing sounds....and glowing eyes...

So, it was July here in the great state of Texas. For those of you who don't know, July in Texas is the heat equivalent of chicken being dropped into grease to fry. The term 'hotter than hell' refers to Texas. I am a poor pathetic girl without AC in my room. Normally this is fine as I do not get hot and a fan is sufficient. The AC is in the girls room and the living room. However, on this particular night it was very hot. So much so that I had chunked all of my blankets on the floor and was doing the sheets only and wasn't even covered up. It was hot enough to keep you from falling asleep all the way because you were on the verge of sweating. I had contemplated going and sleeping with one of the girls but had decided against it as I didn't want to move my alarm clock.
So I am just dozing off when I feel something crawl onto my leg. Let me clarify for you. I was laying on my stomach in a t-shirt and boxer shorts almost asleep. It crawled onto the very top part of my leg, directly under my ass. I knew immediately what it was because of the way it moved. Spiders move much faster and aren't as large. So, rather than jump up and scream, I opted to lay still and wait for it to climb off of me and then haul ASS off of the bed. However the demon had different ideas. It's idea was to sit on my leg and wait for morning. Little fucker.
After about five agonizing minutes I had formulated what seemed like a good plan. My plan was to reach around behind me and knock the scorpion off of my leg and jump out of the bed, it seemed fool-proof at the time. It wasn't. You'll notice in the picture that scorpions have pinchers, little crab like claws. In case you were wondering, they do use these.
The next twenty seconds played out like this. I reach behind me psyching myself out and go to flick off the demon. The demon stings me about six inches away from my ass, then grabs hold of my forearm. I bounce out of bed and fling the demon, but not before he stings me twice more on my forearm. Considering that the sting of a scorpion is one of the most painful things in the world, I am proud to say that I didn't scream. It must have been all the practice I have had with pain... You know, like childbirth.
So, I run into the living room and wake my mother (who was there to watch the kids for me the next day). I am crying. She jumps up and comes with me into my room to help me find the beast. We strip my bed and get EVERYTHING off of the floor. No demon. My mom goes into the bathroom and is trying to help me find something to stop the pain and my whimpering. When I turn around, she says and I quote "ok, don't freak out"... I ask her 'what?' and she reiterates that I need to not freak out and then tells me that the demon is in my hair. OH YEAH, like I am not going to freak out!!!! I did what any mature grown up would do, I ran through the house saying 'get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off...' I think there was some flailing involved as well but, who remembers? When my mother finally convinced me to hold still she flicked the demon out of hair and onto the ground where we proceeded to stomp on him numerous times leaving no visible proof that it was ever a scorpion. In fact, the demon is now a permanent part of my floor.
I could compare the putting of ice onto my ass and arm to a cigarette after sex. My post scorpion homicide relaxation tactic. I had one hell of a head rush and was sore for days. Avoid those evil heathens by all means necessary.
~Kate

Labels: Being Retarded, my crazy life, scorpions, un-fucking-believable