Four years and some odd months ago, I packed up everything I owned and moved my daughters and myself into this tiny white house next door to a diesel mechanic's shop.
I was terrified.
I was twenty three and although this would be the second time I had lived completely alone, I was literally starting completely over.
New job, new house, new life.
Everything in the house was white.. The outside, the inside... everything. It was very symbolic of my clean slate. I remember it being very bright when I first moved in. I didn't own much and the little I did own didn't take up much room.
It made me stand up a little straighter to be there, to have all of the control over my life again.
That house was my first "home" with my family and it is where we live the longest since having become a family.
There were so many firsts there.

Triniti said her first words in that house.
I realized that I could love and not be loved in return.
Amanda liked her first boy.
Emilee chopped off all of her hair.

And I hated that house. It was too small, had an insane amount of issues, didn't heat or cool particularly well, didn't have a dishwasher... It was like the house was telling me that she would take care of me, but she wasn't about to pamper me. I had to grow, I had to learn, I had to tough some things out.
And the thing is, Mr. I said to me once when I was bitching about it, "Kate, what would you have given two years ago to have this place? To be on your own and taking care of your girls? To not be trapped or not have options?"
And I would have given anything.

I lost my best friend.
Triniti colored her first picture.
Amanda stayed home alone for the first time.
Emilee played catcher.

When I was with AZ and scared shitless about where my life was heading, when I was with NY and wanted so badly to not have to be any more... I begged The Universe to save me, to help me, to give me any way out. And I think that The Universe did.
The Universe offered me this tiny house, no bigger than a vacation cottage, and she said to me Kate, start your life.
And I really did.
Over those years, I learned so much about the person I had been,the person I wanted to become and the person I truly was.
I learned that I am responsible.
I learned that I am capable.
I learned that I can be scared but I don't back down.
I learned that I can get the things I want by working for them.
I learned how to be a mother alone.
I learned that I choose my family.
I learned who and what is important to me.
I learned that my life is up to me.

I laid in bed some nights absolutely terrified about how I would survive, how I would not fail my daughters. I laid in bed other nights so very thankful that I was surviving and being the best mother I could be. I went from questioning my ability to do anything to knowing I could do everything. For myself. On my own.

I set goals for myself in every aspect and followed through with them on my own.
Triniti was diagnosed with Asperger's.
Amanda wore her first bra.
Emilee taught us about reincarnation and auras.

I look back at all of the years I spent being unhappy, all of the years where I was in situations where I so desperately wanted out but didn't know how to run and I thank my lucky stars that I had that little house. That when I needed most to start over, I could. And not just start over, but start entirely. I began my life there. I became myself there.

Saturday when I was there packing up the last of my stuff and cleaning that little house, I started to see the house as I had all those years ago when I moved into it. It reminds me of an old hard woman inviting me in, telling me I can stay but that she isn't going to help me, I'm on my own. I was scared of that old woman four years ago, I didn't believe in myself or my judgement. But now, as I am leaving her, she is a friend... I started to remember the first night I laid in my bed there and listened to the new noises of my life. I remembered the first time I had to paint the walls because Triniti colored all over them. I remembered actually having enough room to set up a Christmas tree because I had no furniture. I remembered Veronique and I laying on my bed reading books about boys and laughing at the idea of actually following the advice in them. I remembered assembling furniture on Christmas Eve. I remembered getting us our first doggy and how much we all loved her. I remembered buying my first brand new washer and dryer and my first car. I remembered being in love for the first time since being independent. And how much it hurt when it didn't work out. I remembered all of these things and I realized that I was going to miss that house that I shared so much with.

I bought a brand new mattress.
Triniti grew her first curls...
Amanda went to her first concert...
Emilee taught herself to ride a bike...

I feel like that little house was my cocoon.
When I moved there, I was just a grubby little caterpillar.
And while I certainly don't feel like a glorious butterfly right now, I certainly feel like I can fly.

Labels: Amanda, Asperger's, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Chica, community, death, dreams, Emilee, I actually had sex, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, The Universe, Triniti, Veronique

As most of you know this Saturday will be the 26th of January. Three years ago on January 26th I lost my best friend, my soul sister. There was a tragic accident that stole her life so very prematurely and really and truly broke my heart for the very first time.
Most of the time, I can deal with this.
I can look at her beautiful pictures and remember fondly the times we spent together and ward off the anger and sadness and resentfulness that she was taken from me before I was ready. I can take it as it is and just miss her.
God how I miss her.
But today is the day that I close on my new house. Today is one of the biggest days ever for me. And not just because buying a house is "the single most important purchase you will make in your lifetime" or whatever but because of what this step actually means to me.
One thousand, six hundred and twenty nine days ago I was alone. I had no money, no job, three kids and no fucking idea what I was going to do. I was lucky that I was offered a job within days and that Tempest leant me $600 bucks otherwise I honestly don't know what I would have done. And the whole time I had Veronique by my side. She helped me pack my house and move all of my stuff into my new house. She helped me put it all away and then was consistantly there for me until she was gone. I mean the girl drove all the way down from Dallas so she wouldn't miss my daughters' first day of school. And then The Universe just took her away.
And now, whenever I accomplish something or something huge happens in my life I get so mad that i can't have her here to not only see it but also to experience it with me. I resent it so much and there isn't anyone to resent. I want her to be on the other side of one thousand, six hundred and twenty nine days with me.
Today I am going to buy my first house and I am so happy about it but if I could just have her here with me it would feel complete.

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, community, death, dreams, my crazy life, sisters, soul sisters, The Universe, Veronique

Labels: community, The Universe, unsolicited advice

Much less swelling:

Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, community, My broken foot, Triniti

I'm sorry ya'll! I have to admit that Friday really sucked a lot of my positivity out of me. When I hurt my foot on the stupid slippery porch, it really kicked my ass and it was hard for me to pull out of that mood. It was just such a huge reminder of how much this sucks and how much I hate not being able to walk.
And then the surgery which hurt. like. hell. yesterday and I was even more down.
It's hard to stay up and happy when you are in pain and unable to do much about it or the ridiculous nausea that came with it. And even more so when it feels like your house is crumbling to ruins around you. And your brother, who is the only other adult help, has had the flu for like a week and although he's trying he really can't do much and you don't blame him but then you do because he can walk and then you feel bad about that because you know he really feels horrible. And when it's weeks away from Christmas and you have NO IDEA how you are going to shop for fuck's sake because it's so hard.
But then last night happens. Last night when the pain finally melted into something tolerable and I could keep crackers down and then my antibiotics and some pain meds. Last night when the ABSOLUTELY amazing Fairy comes over and cleans my kitchen and my living room because she is just fucking sweet as hell. When Noah takes Amanda and Emilee and picks up dinner so I don't have to worry about what everyone will eat and the fact that the kitchen will be a sty afterwards,
If you know me, you know that I CAN'T STAND to ask for help. And I can't stand to not be able to do something myself. I am proud and stubborn and INDEPENDENT and I have a helluva time admitting I can't do something even when I CAN'T, the last thing I want to do is call someone and ask them for help. Even if EVERYONE I know has called me and offered it. And Fairy, because she is amazing and because she really knows me, came over and told me to shutthefuckup while she cleaned. Because she know I won't ask and because she knows I am pulling all of my hair out and biting all of my nails off and stewing in the pain that is a messy house.
She is totally getting something awesome for Christmas.
But it was that reminder that I am so very blessed to have people like her in my life and so blessed that my foot will eventually heal and that I am going to survive this period of time and one day look back at it and realize that yeah I had to have some humility but it wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to me.
And sure enough, this morning, the pain was even a little more tolerable and I got up at 4:30 and got in the shower (because I am SO caught up on sleep) and got ready for work. And now I am here and on Darvocet rather than hydrocodone and sipping Starbucks and checking all my email and life is slowly coming back to normal. I have an appointment with my podiatrist today and I should have my cast in the next week or two.
But more importantly Miss Effing Cranky-Pants is in hiding and the old katehopeeden you know and adore (I hope :P) is back and apologizing for the cranky posts and whiney phone calls.
Thank you all so much for calling to check on me (even if I didn't answer the phone) and emailing me (even if I didn't answer you) and posting comments (even if my answer posts were bitchy). I love you guys and I am so lucky to have all of these great friends.

Labels: Being Mommy, community, missing in action, My broken foot, my crazy life, Noah, self loathing, The Universe, Who do we love?

1. Pain.
Obviously it will hurt right? It's a bone in your body and it is broken. But let me tell you, I've had three kids - three - and breaking that tiny bone in my foot effing hurts. It hurts so much that I have been nauseous for five straight days.

2. Crutches suck ass.
Maybe when you were a little kid you envied another kid in your class that broke his leg because he got to cruise around on crutches and had a cast that he got signed and got a ton of attention. Guess what? You envied wrong. There is nothing, I repeat: nothing cool about crutches. You've went from walking around on two feet to walking around on one foot and two sticks. They're bulky, loud, wobbly, difficult to steer and basically do not even begin to compensate for the leg you were previously using.

3. Your other leg will hurt.
You'd think that your other leg would gladly step up and assume the role of its counterpart with pride and dignity. However, your other leg will only begrudgingly do the broken leg's duties. It will whine and bitch the whole time about how it isn't fair that the other leg just gets to sit around all day doing nothing while it now has to carry twice the weight. It will voice these concerns in the form of cramping up and making you feel like you have no other choice but to sit down right where you are immediately which happens to be on a curb which then makes standing back up next to impossible.

4. You can't carry ANYTHING.
Not a glass of water, a cup of coffee, papers from the printer, dirty laundry, dishes, socks! Nothing. I would rather have broken my arm and been turned into a one handed typer. When you break your foot, you lose the other leg to extra work and both hands to crutches and it sucks ass. And even if you want to just tough it out, every time you stand up to do something everyone who sees you in the hall asks why you are up because "didn't your doctor say to stay off of your foot for another week?" and then you have to proclaim that you "just want to go to the goddamned bathroom" but thank them for asking. This will seriously affect the flirting you are trying to do with the new guy.

5. On account of #4, you have to ask people to do everything for you.
Initially you will probably need help changing your clothes. Need a glass of water? Guess what? Someone else has to get it. Hungry? Someone else will have to carry your food from one place to the other. Your co-workers will start joking about how if they come into your office to ask you a question, they will receive a "honey-do" list.

6. You have to invent new ways to get in and out of the shower.
If you are like me, this will involve a precarious balancing act on the side of the bathtub. This is when you start to consider how important it is to bath daily and how feasible hiring a stunt double would be.

7. You have to start using the handicap accessibilities.
And handicap ramps are LONG. I made the mistake yesterday of thinking I could just hop up the stairs, there are only six of them after all. I cannot hop up the stairs. In fact this caused me to fall on the broken part of my foot and nearly made me throw up. However, the little motorcarts at Wally World are pretty rad and I have went shopping twice since this accident and both times I have been able to race around the store honking at those who get in my way ;)

8. You will stop needing to pee in the middle of the night.
You will stop because there is no way in hell anyone should attempt to operate crutches unless they are at full working capacity. And the amount of time and effort that goes into crutching from the bed to the potty is enough to completely wake you up and render sleeping again nearly impossible. For that reason alone you will hold it for a few extra hours. For this same reason, you will lay in bed until you are fully awake before getting up in the morning. Crutches should only be operated by someone fully awake and alert.

9. Everything takes twice as long.
Everything. Double the times in which you think you will be able to accomplish anything because you will need twice the amount of time. Fifteen minute showers are now thirty. Getting dressed in three minutes? You'll need at least six. Walking from the car to your office used take thirty seconds, now it takes three minutes. It's ridiculous. Welcome to your lesson in patience.

10. People in public do not help you.
No one opens a door for you or gets out of your way. No one picks up your crutch if you drop it on the ground. No one will offer to carry something for you or take your cart back into the store. People just don't. And I was one of those people. I always thought it would be embarrassing for the person on crutches to have you come over and help them. And I'm sure that it is. But let me tell you, if you see someone on crutches today, open the door for them. It makes their day that much easier.

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Being Retarded, community, Health, I'm a loser, My broken foot, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, self loathing, unsolicited advice

I have been having headaches.
A LOT of headaches.
It's ridiculous the amount of headaches I've been having.
Now, I can chalk a few of them up to sinuses since even the smallest pressure change wreaks havoc on my noggin. I'm talking a lone cloud cruises slowly over the state of Texas and my head throbs. A. Lone. Cloud.
Here's the thing though - I am not a big pill popper. I usually will give any ailment ample time to go away before I start to think about taking something for it. And I've noticed that I am taking a lot of pills (not like she needs an intervention a lot, but many). I have a selection in my office.
I've been thinking about going to the doctor and having them scan my head or something since I think I am having too many headaches. I mean, a headache every morning before eight? That can't be good.
So, I did what we all do when something is freaking us out a little - I googled it.
And the first thing that popped up was this.
Tension headaches.
"When a patient is examined by the physician, there are often findings of muscular tenderness. This is often present in the areas of the neck, at the base of the skull, shoulders, upper arms, and the jaw and face. Some people may show signs of clenching the teeth..."
Yup, yup, yup - I have ALL of that...
I read the whole thing and I'm fairly convinced that tension headaches are my problem.. so I finally reach the Treatment part...
"While this works for some people, others, whose tension headaches are severe enough or sufficiently frequent to compel them to seek professional treatment, obtain relief through a course of doctor-prescribed antidepressant or anxiety-reducing medications, such as amitriptyline, nortriptyline or desipramine..."
Great.
As I tend to stay away from mood altering meds, especially since I don't feel stressed out, I don't think I want to start taking anti-anxiety meds and I know I don't want anti-depressants...
So what do I do?
Is there some kind of herbal remedy for this? So kind of anti-stress natural pills or teas or foods or something?
I need help blogosphere since I can't keep having headaches everyday and I am starting to lose my mind...

Labels: At work, community, my crazy life

Labels: Amanda, community, Emilee, family drama, flooding, missing in action, my crazy life, The Universe, Triniti, un-fucking-believable

One of my BEST friends is getting married!!! James and I have been friends for five years, he was the first person I ever met online. When I met him, he was (almost) twenty years old. He was staying with his uncle for the summer in Greece and working for an airport there. I'm hoping I can find the pics he sent me and post them here! He sent me a picture and an extremely excited email about having met Tom Cruise (-insert envy here-)... He was cute as could be (still is) and played the guitar :) I tried, without much luck, to persuade him to fly to the states and visit me, but he opted for going to University instead. A wise decision in retrospect. He is now a very talented Threat Analyst, making some good dough working in a military bunker :) He was also recently promoted! I am increasingly proud of him whenever we speak :) He has been seeing the same girl (Kirsten) for more than two years and she is just as adorable as he is.
It's funny, whenever I am lucky enough to catch James online, one of my first questions is always "So, are you engaged yet??" And he always says no. However, today, I hadn't even asked when he informed me that he was engaged! I am so utterly and completely happy for him and Kirsten! And we have to give Kirsten some MAJOR points for being so patient! But I guess it paid off when she saw the ring! Which is gorgeous :) They are planning to have the wedding here and take in whale/dolphin watching and scuba diving! (-insert envy here-).

So James, I am happy for you and so thrilled that you decided to take the leap. I wish you and Kirsten nothing but complete and total happiness! Just make sure your first daughter is named after me :) lol

~Kate

Labels: community