Being a mother means making hard choices. It means that even after you've learned hard lessons, you have to watch your children learn them again, for themselves. There is a saying that I always think of when being a mom is hard... “Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”- Elizabeth Stone
Let me tell you a little secret about raising a teenager... even when she is an awesome kid who makes great grades and who doesn't have sex and who is cheerful about 85% of the time and who keeps her room relatively clean and who helps with dinner and knows how to dust the right way... even then, it's hard to raise her. It's hard to help her make the right choices. It's hard to let her make the wrong ones. And sometimes, like right now, it's hard to know which is which.
Last year, she was in seventh grade and a boy who rides her bus was in ninth grade. She and this boy became friends. He was and still is this geeky looking kid whose feet are too big for his body, he wears glasses and draws pictures. He doesn't look like the kind of boy you need to be too wary of. I'm beginning to think that they all are anyway. So last year, they become friends. In fact, there was a whole group of kids she was friends with on the bus... her little bus posse. And then the trouble started. This boy started dating a girl in high school. A bad misguided girl. The kind of girl who is in trouble all the time, who spends her afternoons in detention, who gets suspended. I don't know this girl so I am hesitant to cast judgement but suffice it to say, she was spending her days in in-school suspension and her afternoons running around town. And for whatever reason, she set her sights on this boy and he started spending time with her. It only lasted a few weeks and Amanda came home and griped about this girl and how she was trying to get this boy to get into trouble all the time. I reminded her, as I do whenever the opportunity arises, that he is responsible for his choices, not this other girl. In a flurry of activity, many things happened quite suddenly. The boy and the girl slept together. The boy and the girl broke up. The girl claimed rape. The girl admitted no rape, but confirmed pregnancy. The girl also admitted multiple partners. The boy was shipped away to relatives. I took advantage of all this drama to have several BIG conversations with my daughter about choices and behavior and responsibility.
Now, having been down the teenaged pregnancy road before, I sympathize with these kids, truly I do. That being said, I do not ever want to have to sympathize with any of my own children in that sense. I'd like to get all of my girls well into adulthood without any of them having babies. So, the boy moved away and Amanda and he stayed friends online and via text but the updates on the girl and the boy were few and far between. Admittedly, I was relieved. Not long afterwards, Cody moved back. And in with us. And away. Another big sigh of relief but not without the recognition that while I don't want these boys thinking about my daughter naked, I also feel for them. I cared about Cody. I wanted to help him. Sometimes I feel like there is something inside of me that tries to reach out and latch onto people and pull them in closer. Even when I don't want to, it still happens. The thing that Cody had in common with this boy? Both sets of parents blow. So the boy moved back at the end of the summer (practically coinciding with Cody leaving) and he and Amanda became fast friends again. And then with the beginning of the school year, just a mere three weeks ago, they started "going out". And when I say "going out" PLEASE NOTICE THE QUOTATION MARKS because my daughter isn't going to movies or out to dinner or even for a damn walk with this kid, they just ride the bus and have the social status of going out and they might hold hands or have long texting conversations but they aren't dating. Because my daughters aren't allowed to date until they are sixteen. But at the same time, I realize that "going out" with boys, which they've been doing in school since the second grade, happens. I don't like it but in order to maintain some kind of control and facilitate honesty in my household, there it is. And more times than not, when it happens, it is over just as quickly. So when Amanda came to me to let me know that he and this boy were going out, I inwardly cringed but outwardly kept my cool. And have held onto that cool for the last few weeks as this girl has gotten closer to delivery. Now, there is some possibility that this isn't the boy's baby but his parents, who blow, are practically excited about the baby being born and have agreed to start paying child support without a paternity test. There are so many things about this boys parents that I don't understand but I really cannot fathom not getting a paternity test when this girl has admitted she was with other guys at the same time. As a parent, I am struggling with all of this. A lot. On the one hand, I feel like I am limiting what Amanda can get away with but simultaneously, I am having a bunch of chats with her about all of this. She has been crystal clear in letting me know just how much she understands right now that one time is all it takes. She has told me that she doesn't want to get pregnant, doesn't want to have sex yet and man oh man does she ever have the shining example of how easily those things could happen now. We've talked about how many girls at school have already been pregnant or had babies... Teenaged pregnancy is no longer a ship your daugter off to her Aunt's house for the summer thing. It's in your face, it's happening a lot. At the same time, I've told her that as soon as she even thinks she might want to have sex, she needs to let me know because we will get her ass to a gynecologist immediately and she can choose the form of birth control she wants to be on first. And we can learn the names of all the stds ever. On the other hand, I want to forbid it. All of it. Sex. Boys. "Going Out". Growing Up. But I can't. Forbidding it all closes the communication doors and I'd rather help guide her through her choices than try and make them for her or worse, have her make them behind my back.
Yesterday the girl had her baby. The boy wasn't at school because his parents took him to the delivery. And when Amanda got home, she was upset because everyone had been talking about it all day long. There are no books on how to handle this. How to handle that the boy your daughter likes already has a baby (if it's his) or that everyone keeps gossiping about it or that she's not even fourteen for another ten weeks.
And all the while, I'm starting to look at Emilee and wonder.
The Emilee pic is the only one I have right now because she's been staying with my mom for the last two weeks while in drama camp... I promise she isn't always that angry :-)
Amanda has a boyfriend. -insert really loud screaming here- I don’t even know what to say about that. I mean, I knew it was coming. I knew the day would come when my amazing little girl would find out that there is this whole world of boys and dating and butterflies in your stomach. I knew it was coming. But honestly, it wasn’t one of those things I was preparing for. I didn’t have a plan. So I think I've talked about Cody before. He and Amanda met in daycare when they were just wee little things and became friends. My mom knew his parents because they are bar dwellers, as is my mother. One day, Cody’s family moved him away. I think Amanda was in third grade and she was just devastated. The following year my Mom talked to his Mom (who he wasn’t living with) and got an address. Amanda wrote to him and we mailed it but never heard back. Then out of the blue last year, she gets a call from him. Our home number had been passed down the grapevine. He was living in Eldorado (about three hours from us) and had tracked her down. It was kind of sweet. Anyway, she was freaking thrilled. She was so thrilled in fact that when they talked she neither gave him her cell phone number nor got his in the midst of her excitement. This I was able to tease her endlessly about. So anyway, this year, he moved back in with his mom who lives right down the road from us. And he started school at Amanda’s school, one grade above her. And I started hyperventilating. Here’s the thing (and maybe I am just one hell of a bleeding heart but) he has a crappy family. Like, if he were from normal family, I think I would be so much better at dealing with all of this. BUT he is from crappy, drinking, hang out at the bar with your kids, let your kid sleep in a camper behind your trailer, fight over which parent has to take care of the kid family. And it breaks my heart. He is a good kid. He’s smart, he could totally do athletics, he’s nice. But NO one has his back. NO one gives a shit about whether this kid makes it or not. Which splits me in two because on the one hand, I want to believe in him... I want to have his back. I want to be someone that he can talk to who gives a shit. Because really, when you come from jacked up family stuff, sometimes all you need is one person who cares about you. BUT on the other hand, he wants to be Amanda’s boyfriend and what does he have to lose? His family doesn’t care if he has a girlfriend. They don’t care if he is holding hands or sneaking out or all the stuff that comes after hold hands that I am not ready to say out loud yet. If he does any of that stuff, all his parents are going to do is shrug their shoulders and Amanda will hate me for not allowing her to see him. This part of parenting BLOWS. So, anyway, when he first moved back, they were “going out” and I let him come over to my house a few times to hang out. In the living room. Supervised. So that they could see each other and I wouldn’t have to worry that she was making out with him in some grungy trailer. Oh my god. -insert barfing here- Well, that lasted a few weeks and then they decided to just be friends (read: they broke up because he was the shiny new toy on the playground and all the girls swooned over him) and they weren’t really hanging out anymore. And I was SO UNBELIEVABLY RELIEVED. BUT I am a realistic. The first dude won’t be the last dude so I really, REALLY, had to start thinking about what I was going to do the next time she liked a boy. What were the rules going to be? What kind of boundaries was I going to put in place? How was I going to handle it all? Because I don’t want to fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to this. Well the next boy was 15, his name was Gabe. He is dead now because I killed him. I’m just kidding ;-) Anyway, Gabe was kind of a nerdy kid who Amanda rode the bus with. They weren’t in the same school (BECAUSE HE WAS IN FREAKING HIGH SCHOOL) and he didn’t have a cell phone (THANK GOD) so she only saw him on the bus and that was it. And guess who else rides the bus? EMILEE (Today, the part of Emilee will be played by the nosey younger sister who wants to get her older sister in trouble.) The Gabe thing went off and on for a few months. But nothing serious. They were never “going out” because Gabe was catching too much flack for liking a seventh grader from the ninth grade girls. This gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to Amanda about how she doesn’t want a boyfriend who is so influenced by ninth grade girls and so worried about what everyone thinks and if she wants to have a boyfriend it should be someone worth having who cares about her and doesn’t care what other people think about it. In the meantime, she is still in the loop about everything that is going on with Cody and she had told me that he had gotten in some trouble for getting into a fight with some kid who was picking on him. Another conversation we got to have about holding people accountable. Every time she told the story about Cody getting into a fight she wanted to make it sound like it wasn’t his fault, that he had no choice but to get into the fight. And EVERY time she said it, I corrected her. HE is responsible for his choices, DO NOT give him an out on that. So anyway, last week, her and Cody started talking on the phone pretty much every day again and it was becoming fairly evident that they were starting to like each other again. Emilee confirmed it a few days later by letting me in on the bus gossip. Which only gave me a limited amount of time to figure out how I was going to handle it all. So sure enough, Amanda comes into the kitchen over the weekend with her Sweet Daughter Face on which made me immediately know that she was up to something. She starts helping me with whatever I was doing as she broaches the subject of how her and Cody could manage to spend some time together, primarily Sunday (so this must have been this past Saturday). I told her I needed to think about it but that he wasn’t coming over Sunday at all because I hadn’t had enough time to make up my mind about how to handle the Cody Situation. She and I sat down on Sunday and I laid out the rules. -Both of them have to have all grades over 80 on their report cards to be “going out” and especially to see one another in person. (This will be grades over 85 on the next report card… Hey, I figure they are both MORE than capable of making those grades, may as well use it.) -They need to be working on Cody’s science together because he is having a hard time there and Amanda is a Science WHIZ. -They aren’t allowed to be in her room or ANY room that has a closed door. -They have to spend at least half of the time he is over hanging out working on college stuff. Looking into colleges, researching what colleges have the best programs for what they want to do career wise and where they are located. This is going to be like freaking homework for them. I am getting a notebook that they can use for notes and pros/cons, etc. -He has to be held accountable for his actions. So if he gets into another fight or other kind of trouble and his parents don’t give a shit about grounding him, he will be grounded from Amanda. They won’t be allowed to spend time together or talk on the phone for whatever amount of time I deem acceptable.
That’s all I have for now but I think I will be adding to it. I’d love for them to start a language program together or something. He is interested in learning languages so it may help me get Amanda better interested. He was over last night. They rode the bus home together and he is shy. He doesn’t say much to me. We have a little neighbor boy (Justin) who is friends with Em and who hangs out at the house ALL THE TIME and he is SUPER chatty with me, he talks as much as Emilee does (which is a LOT) . Anyway, Justin was over and hanging out with us last night too and being his normal talkative self so I am hoping Cody will see that he can talk to me. I fed him dinner with the kids and then his mom picked him up around six. Amanda texted me this morning and said he was going to ride the bus with her again and stay until 5:30. So today I am going to make an effort to talk to him. To try and get him to actually start talking to me. All of the girls friends (male and female alike) talk to me. I am The Cool Mom. All the kids like me, the parents like me. So this little dude who wants to spend time with my daughter is going to like me too. And then I am going to try and handle the whole him liking her thing while helping the both of them continue down the path to college. But so help me, he had better keep his hands to himself.
The word of the day is: perspective. Yesterday, in our quarterly meeting, I was enjoying the constant praise that our location was receiving. I can't help it, I'm human and humans like to hear that they are kicking ass. Despite the fact that I had a really rough weekend with the girls contracting head lice and the warrant for my arrest that had just been issued for a speeding ticket I got in 2001 (Nine. Years. Ago.), the former of the two having forced me to take a day off that I really needed to work, I was in really good spirits. I had a really good attitude because I had pushed myself to finish all of the work I needed to get done before the meeting. I'd helped out in areas that I hadn't really needed to help out in because I'd wanted to. In short, I'd done a good job and I was pretty happy with myself.
At about two o'clock, my boss leaned over and said, "did you hear about what happened in Haiti? They had another earthquake this morning, a 6.1..." I hadn't heard. Suddenly, the lady from marketing was fading out and all I could think about was how was Haiti going to survive another earthquake? How many more people were going to die? How many more were going to be brutally injured? Who was going to help them? My eyes started to well up right there in the middle of the marketing section of our quarterly meeting. I wanted to go the bathroom and just sit down and cry. I don't understand everything you know? I don't understand how things like this happen. I don't understand the why. I didn't excuse myself. I shouldered those tears and tried to focus on the meeting that suddenly felt empty and ridiculous. By the end of the hour, I'd managed to push Haiti into a corner in my mind and put my participation in the meeting back in the forefront. After marketing, it was time for awards. Awards. Plaques. Checks. I've been with my company for two and a half years. In the last two years, I have implemented systems that our entire region is now required to use. I've trained other office managers on them. I've helped out with everything I could possibly think to help with. I've set the standards of office management on many levels. I really thought that I was going to get an award. And I didn't. And it stung. And it's stupid. Because people in Haiti are trapped and dying and without water and medical attention. Because other stores in our company are closing, people are fighting for their jobs. And I am sitting there pouting. I had the audacity to pout. To be angry. Lola reminded me yesterday that my feelings are valid. That I'd worked hard and I deserved to be upset that I hadn't been recognized. My feelings were valid. But without perspective I think. I am lucky every single day that I have a home, a job, security in both of those things. That my children are healthy and that head lice, no matter how icky and inconvenient, was the worse thing to happen to them this year. They are happy, they have bright futures. I am lucky. We are, all of us, lucky. So today, I am refocusing. I am not focused on the fact that I didn't win an award yesterday. I am not focused on the head lice or the stupid hundrend and twenty bucks I had to pay for a warrant for a freaking ticket from nine years ago. Today I am having perspective. I am grateful for the things I have and I appreciate them.
Everything she sees she says she wants. Everything she wants I see she gets.
That's my daughter in the water everything she owns I bought her Everything she owns. That's my daughter in the water, everything she knows I taught her. Everything she knows.
Everything I say she takes to heart. Everything she takes she takes apart.
That's my daughter in the water every time she fell I caught her. Every time she fell. That's my daughter in the water, I lost every time I fought her. I lost every time.
Every time she blinks she strikes somebody blind. Everything she thinks blows her tiny mind. That's my daughter in the water, who'd have ever thought her? Who'd have ever thought? That's my daughter in the water, I lost everytime I fought her Yea, I lost every time
I'm done. Finished. It's over. Thank. You. Universe! The last three months of insanity have finally come to an end. The homes here are completely redone (pics soon, I promise), my Halloween Party is done AND cleaned up (thank you Jiffinner, The Cake Lady & Fairy for all your help!!) and yesterday I took my Certified Office Manager test! The Big Three Things that were sucking up all of my time and attention are done. Finally. And do you know what dear reader? I'm already getting out of sorts with the thought of all that free time. I'm already trying to book it up. I'm having to make serious effort to not book it up. What is wrong with me that I just can't accept some stillness? Some down-time? I have issues. (As if that is news to ANY of you :P) Here is what the rest of my year is looking like: Amanda turns twelve on the 19th. *gasping for air* Give me a second. *grabs paperbag, deep breathing* Ok, I'm all right. So Amanda turns twelve and has opted that instead of a huge birthday party, she wants a huge present. This is cool with me. In fact, in my house we kinda have this teared birthday party option chart. It goes like this: Big party and little gift Medium party and medium gift Small family party and huge gift I'm cool with any of the three options seeing as how they cost me the same amount of money and it really is up to the girls how they want to do it. But get this, the kids is trying to Out-Electronic me. She wants an Ipod touch. It was that commerical, the one where you are driving the car or whatever by moving the Ipod as if it were a steering wheel that pushed her over the edge. So I have to get a small party together at home where she is awarded a mack daddy mp3 player and I push down my jealousy. Thanksgiving is on the 27th. This one isn't too bad for me since The Cake Lady usually just tells me what to bring and when to show up. I do want to try out a few recipes first as I am feeling brave and Fairy is begging me to make a pumpkin cheese cake (DB?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?) which I've never done before but I think I should attempt like a hundred times before Turkey Day since cheesecake is gooooood :) Christmas is in seven weeks! You know, I really enjoy Christmas. It's the one holiday that I do not attempt to do anything except for be home with my family. I don't typically travel and there have been a few years where it is only the girls and I which I really love. I cook (I know, shocking!) and we all spend time together which is so nice. However, I freaking hate the shopping part. I hate trying to figure out what to buy the girls and how to be fair in shopping for everyone. I hate trying to figure out who else I need to get gifts for and what to get them. It stresses me out and I think half of the reason I love Christmas is that when it finally happens, it's such a relief to be done. It's a lot of work. I leave for Dallas on December 30th. This year, I somehow got tricked into going to Dallas to spend New Years with my mother's family. Although traveling by car for anything over an hour is usually an excuse for a temper tantrum in my book, it will be a significant improvement over that year when that guy I did the whole New Year's Eve Blind Date Thing with bit me.
And then that's it people. 2008 will be over. I'm tempted to start my recap post now since this has been such a huge year for me but I will save that for another day.
Dear World: I bequeath to you today one little girl...in a crisp dress...with two brown eyes...and a happy laugh that ripples all day long.. and a flash of light brown hair that bounces in the sun when she runs. I trust you'll treat her well.
She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning...and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proud she'll wave her young and independent hand this morning and say "Goodbye" and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.
Now she'll learn to stand in lines...and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for the sounds of school-bells...and deadlines...and she'll learn to giggle...and gossip...and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy 'cross the aisle sticks out his tongue at her. And now she'll learn to be jealous. And now she'll learn how it is to feel hurt inside. And now she'll learn how not to cry.
No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch on a summer day and watch an ant scurry across the crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn and kiss lilac blooms in the morning dew. No, now she'll worry about those important things...like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friends is whose. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of her blocks and dolls. And now she'll find new heroes.
For five full years now I've been her sage and Santa Claus and pal and playmate and mother and friend. Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers ...which is only right. But no longer will I be the smartest woman in the whole world. Today when that school bell rings for the first time...she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group...with all its privileges and its disadvantages too.
She'll learn in time that proper young ladies do not laugh out loud...or kiss dogs...or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms...or even watch ants scurry across cracks in sidewalks in the summer. Today she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. And I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long, lonely journey to becoming a woman. So, world, I bequeath to you today one little girl...in a crispy dress...with two brown eyes...and a flash of light brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.
Who: katehopeeden Where: San Antonio, Texas
Yeah, so I am all that you see here.
I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty...
sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends.
I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am.
Want to know more? Click here!
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
These are a work in progress.
They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog).
All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold.
I don't think I could have done it.
To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise,
but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration.
You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL.
Thank you so much." -Stef
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?!
So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
