I believed that now that I understood how my daughter's mind worked that I could mold the situation and help her control it.
But I can't help the onset of very heavy emotions she feels.
I can't make the anxiety go away or shoo away the irrational fears.
And I can't help her when she feels these things, as much as I try.
Like children with autism and other pervasive development delay disorders, children with Asperger syndrome have difficulty with social interactions.
School.
Every morning when I take her to school, it breaks my heart.
She doesn't want to be there... it's noisy and the other kids behave oddly (so far as she can tell) and there are so many things that could happen and it's all very scary.
"I don't want to go to school, Mamma."
If it were up to the part of me that wants to protect and shield her and keep her safe from fear, I would keep her home. I would stay home with her and teach her everything she needed to learn in school from the comfort of our secure house.
But I couldn't teach her to cope.
I couldn't teach her how to handle situations that frighten her.
And eventually by protecting her, I would cripple her.
So, instead, every morning, I get her dressed and when she says, "I don't want to go to school, Mamma." I hug her and tell her I know and I love her and it will be a good day.
I try to help her find something to look forward to, some light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel called Thursday.
And by the time I leave, she will usually repeat me, as prompted, when I say, "Today will be a good day, right?"
But when I walk out of the classroom and see her sitting there, bravely wiping away her tears and trying to quell the emotional avalanche of fear and helplessness, I want so badly to tell someone, anyone, how completely and totally unfair it is for her.
Instead, I walk down the hallway keeping my own avalanche at bay and hoping, for both our sakes, that today is a good day.
Labels: Asperger's, Being Mommy, Triniti
