What?
Who wrote that?
Gardening?
What is today? June 16th right? Let's pop back five years in the past and see what THAT Heather was doing...
--insert dreamy back in time music here--
*~*~*~*~*~*I was telling the girls about the possibility of my meeting Matthew McConaughey on the way home. The VERY 'G' version, of course. Nothing about me wanting to do interesting and nasty things to his body....*~*~*~*~*~*
Yeah, that's more like it. What happened to the girl who used to blog about Matthew McConaughey's body? Now it's all gardening and how I don't ever get laid anymore.
Why do you guys come here again?
Anyway, some reality. The Cody thing hit me harder than I thought it would. I wasn't ready to write about it because it made me sad. I wanted to help him. And while I think that he is much better off with his dad than he was with his mother, I still know it wouldn't be as good as being with me because I do shit right.
Additionally, I realize that I can't fix everything and everyone and that he isn't mine to fix.
So I am repeating that to myself daily and the more I do it, the less I feel angry and defeated.
I do feel like it was a little bit of a dry run for the actual adoption stuff that is eventually coming. I had no idea about the barrier that would be there between the child and I and I got a good taste of that with Cody. The whole acting like your parent but not actually being your parent thing. I don't know, maybe it will be a little different when I get my little girl... because she'll be younger, because she'll know she is being adopted...
I guess only time will tell.
I'm also going through some work stuff that I am not ready to blog about. Soon, my pretties, soon.
I am not going through any guy stuff. The last almost guy stuff fizzled out and died. Which was totally my fault because I've apparently decided I'm... I don't even know. Not ready? Too controlling? Interested in the accumulation of both spinster dresses and cats?
I sent an email to a friend the other day about dating...
We are used to being in relationships, we want to have someone there to
help, to be the co-parent, the partner... Being alone is
scary.
Let me tell you a secret. When your girls are little like yours are
now, you really feel more alone because you are just the caretaker, at that
point, you need your friends and your family more than anything. You need
to have someone to call who gives a shit about the random ass thing your five
year old just said. Your support system. If you don't have that,
find it asap. And please know, I would love to be a part of that support
system.
But here's the secret part, in a few years, your girls are going to start
becoming these people. They are going to be people that you want to spend
a lot of time with. They morph from someone you take care of into someone
who can help out, who has amazing things to say, who makes you laugh, who is
super fun to watch a movie with or take a walk with.
And then, at some point, you are going to look back and think to yourself
that you are so ridiculously lucky to have had all of those years where it was
just you and them. The bond is going to be this amazing thing, suddenly
you are going to realize that you'd rather finish the journey with your
daughters before you embark upon a relationship journey.
I wasted a lot of time trying to find the right guy. Going through
all of the excitement that comes with a new relationship, all of the
infatuation, the phone calls, the slipping away for a weekend. And in the
end, I found that I'd rather hang with my girls. My oldest leaves in five
years. Five years. It was like yesterday that she was only five
years old. I have no idea how it happened. I guess what I am saying
is once you find balance in yourself in the life you have now with your girls,
you will find that you don't really want more right now.
I think that sums up, pretty well, why I just can't seem to get excited about dating right now. I mean, if Matthew McConaughey comes a-knockin', I'm not sending him away or anything :-) Or for that matter, if I met someone who really seemed like a good and patient match, I'd probably give it a shot... but I'm not looking.
Ok, that's all I have time for this morning, gotta get to work. I promise to try and get more stuff up here. I miss you guys.
Labels: adoption, At work, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life
