Tuesday, January 24, 2006
History Lesson #4 (Nothing Changes)
We moved back in together within a month of his getting laid off from work. I didn't want him to move back to New York because I wanted him to be around for Trin and because I still cared about him. So when he moved in with me, it was under the pretense that it was temporary. Just until he found another job and then he and the boys would move back to San Antonio or he would buy a house in the town where I lived.
He was being compensated from his old job and with that and the money I was making, we were fine. We got a bigger place and I hated the drive but I loved the house. Everyone seemed happy.
But, it wasn't the same... whatever "the same" was...
We were great initially, mad in love. But then the fireworks wore off enough for us to fall back into routine. He tried more this time, but I didn't want to hear the excuses. I didn't want to hear about how his staying up all night was because of his being bi-polar or manic depressive. I didn't want excuses. I had gotten those from AZ in spades. I didn't want another addiction (whether it was to meds or drugs) and I didn't want more moodswings. I wanted stability and security more than anything and he was rocking the boat. High days and low days, happy days and sad days. He would spend the whole night on the computer playing games promising that he would come to bed in a few minutes. I was flashing back to the past and seeing it repeat itself.
I wanted him to be that guy he was when I wasn't his or when he wanted me. I didn't want the guy who played video games and chainsmoked. I didn't want the guy who sat in front of the computer for hours and blew off the stuff around the house he had promised to do.
I didn't want to try so hard this time.
I mean, I knew that relationships were work, but it seemed like ours was always work.
For Triniti's first birthday, I was having a party for her and Emilee at the ranch where I was working. They had this entire area set off in the middle of nowhere. It had store fronts for the tourists, a jukebox and a covered party area. Next to it was an arena where we kept a couple of calves and some sheep. The calves were used for this game where they tie a little ribbon on their tale and kids chase the calves to get the ribbon and then win a prize.
Anyway, the ranch where I worked was shooting their commercial that weekend and had asked if they could shoot the birthday party for part of the commercial. Considering that they wouldn't charge me for the use of the space, I quickly agreed. I invited pretty much every kid in Emilee's grade and everyone I knew. I stressed about the party knowing that there would be camera crews there. I wanted to make sure I had enough food, enough games, enough goody bags, enough help, etc.
For some reason, the morning of the party, NY and I got into an argument. I don't even remember what it was about, but we just got pissed at each other. Chances are that it was a combination of me stressing about the party and him not wanting to see all the people that would be there. He didn't like my friends and he hated my family.

As the morning progressed, he wasn't doing anything to help me get everything loaded into the car and the kids were running crazy around the house and I finally snapped at him. He had been bitching about my family being there and how he didn't want to be around them so I just told him to stay home. I told him that in fact it would be easier for me if he just didn't come at all.
He got all pissed and started yelling at me about how I wasn't going to keep him from his daughter's first birthday party. I told him that he could just stay home. This was a huge deal. There were going to be a ton of people that I worked with there and he certainly wasn't going to go to my job and embarrass me by being an asshole and since he hadn't helped with anything the whole time anyway that it was just a better idea.
After I said that, I went into our walk in closet to grab some party stuff that I had in there and when I turned around he grabbed me.

It was really fast.
He never hit me, he just grabbed me and slammed me into the wall and put his hands around my neck. A few seconds later, my feet weren't on the ground any more and I couldn't breathe. I remember that I was clawing at his hands, his arms, anything I could reach because I couldn't breathe. Everything started to go out of focus and I saw black and that was when he dropped me on the floor and walked out.
I kept thinking that I didn't have time to cry. I kept cursing myself for crying about it. I didn't have time because the party was going to start soon.

He had hit me once before and scared the shit out of me a few times by acting like he would hit me. But getting the air choked out of me had been really scary. But I couldn't think about it. I had too much to do, too much riding on that afternoon, too many people waiting for me. I loaded up the car and the kids and he and I headed into town. He didn't say anything. He didn't apologize, he didn't try and rationalize it. He just sat there and looked out the window while I drove us to the ranch.
After I had everything set up, I went up to the main house of the ranch to get the ice cream and caked from the fridge and one of the chics I worked with was there. She asked me what the hell had happened to my neck. I hadn't even looked. I think I told her that one of the kids had grabbed me too hard from behind... but when I saw it myself in the mirror, I knew that there was no way anyone would believe that. My neck was bruised everywhere. An idiot would have known what happened. It looked horrible. I ended up tying a bandana around my neck to hide the bruises.
Later on when I was sitting with my mom, she mentioned that she was surprised that NY had come to the party and that he was actually being agreeable. She referenced the party I had the year before for Emilee which he didn't even show up to (even though we were living together at the time and he had said he would) and said that this was much better than the year before.
Ironically, it was much worse.



so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:47 PM
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