The thing that always bothered me the most in my life was the lack of control.
Growing up, I lived in a household where my father would beat my mom up and I couldn't do anything about.
Because of that household, I was moved around a lot and I couldn't control that either.
When I was fourteen, the house in Hawaii burned down and we lost everything and then left the only place I had ever lived for more than two years.
In my relationship with AZ, I was pretty much subjecting myself to his whims and because of that, I moved more and never really settled anywhere.
It's always felt like I was just thrown out to see with no paddle or sails. Just me and the ocean and it's ever changing moods.
I hated that I wasn't making the calls in my life.
I hated that I was just along for every ride.
And once I realized that I could make all of those calls and that I was totally able to create the stability and security I was craving, I did.
And it has rocked.
I do, very much so, like having my little tidy world the way I want it.
But, now I've been exposed to a new type of waves.
And these are waves I can't control: the people around me.
My family, my friends, my co-workers.
People I have attachments to, that I care about.
I can do nothing about their decisions.
And today, that makes me sad.