Sunday, January 16, 2005
another weekend gone...
Another weekend over. I feel like time has sped up. I used to be ready for the week to start once my weekend was coming to an end, but now it seems like all of my days are just blurred together... If I am at work, I have a million things to do and if I am at home I have a million things to do, I have a ton of things to think about if I happen to not be busy doing something, so I just feel constantly consumed with something...

Mr. I came over last night. He wanted to come over Thursday night but couldn't because my sister was here. We had sort of tentatively rescheduled Thursday for Friday, but he cancelled Friday. So last night it was. It has been about three weeks since I have seen Mr. I. Not very long. Something Veronique asked me this morning got me to thinking though. "Does it still make you nervous when he comes over?" No. No. When he is on his way, I am not nervous at all. I used to be. I would walk around my kitchen waiting to see his lights or go outside and sit on my car and smoke while I talked on the phone anxiously about his arrival. Last night, I rationalized his visit to my sister.
She asked me if it was him that was coming over and I told her it was. She gave me that look, you know the one of dissapproval. She gave me that look and sort of scoffed. Then she asked if he still had his girl friend. I am not a liar by any means and so I told her he did. She just rolled her eyes and this of course set me into a frenzy of trying to rationalize him.
"In my defense, I was sleeping with him before he had a girlfriend..." Don't even ask how many times I have said that.
"Besides, there is something about him. Something about the way that he and I click that just makes me continue to see him."

But I am not nervous any more. The last time I was nervous or anxious or whatever was when he asked me to lunch, mid November. It was totally out of the blue and completely caught me by surprise. He wants to go to lunch with me? Doesn't he realize that she will find out. Small town USA and we all work together, someone will see us. It was more curiousity than anything else that made me go. I wanted to know why he wanted me to. What was he trying to accomplish? I insisted that we eat in the car, that we get the food and go park somewhere. I didn't want to eat in some fast food place where I couldn't even smoke a damn cigarette. So we did and for an hour we talked and laughed in the car. She knew before we ever even left the dealership.

I am not nervous anymore. What does that mean? Does it mean that the initial starry-eyed thing has finally ended? Does it mean that I am slowly headed back towards sanity where he is concerned? Does it mean that I have found some level of comfort with him? He is now someone I can be around and totally be myself? What does it mean....

I don't know what it means, but I do know that I am going to go strip off all my bedding and wash it so it doesn't smell like him. So it doesn't make me wake up in the middle of the night expecting him to be there and glance around the room for the ghost of a man who doesn't love me.

~Kate

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:10 PM
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Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!




12/14/84 - 1/26/05


"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"



Veronique

Yoda

Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa

Snow

dooce

Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
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Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef

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That cracked my shit up! TM

Kate went to Dallas?

You asked Kate questions?

Kate was stung by a Scorpion?

Kate met Mr. I?

Kate got pissed?

There was a mouse?

Kate shared?

Kate confessed?

Kate turned 25?

Kate shared some more?

"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal

"I LOVE inner monologues. They rock!"
-Hot Toddy


Ebay

The Gym

Morning Monologue

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sizzling RH 05







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