Mr. I came over last night. He wanted to come over Thursday night but couldn't because my sister was here. We had sort of tentatively rescheduled Thursday for Friday, but he cancelled Friday. So last night it was. It has been about three weeks since I have seen Mr. I. Not very long. Something Veronique asked me this morning got me to thinking though. "Does it still make you nervous when he comes over?" No. No. When he is on his way, I am not nervous at all. I used to be. I would walk around my kitchen waiting to see his lights or go outside and sit on my car and smoke while I talked on the phone anxiously about his arrival. Last night, I rationalized his visit to my sister.
She asked me if it was him that was coming over and I told her it was. She gave me that look, you know the one of dissapproval. She gave me that look and sort of scoffed. Then she asked if he still had his girl friend. I am not a liar by any means and so I told her he did. She just rolled her eyes and this of course set me into a frenzy of trying to rationalize him.
"In my defense, I was sleeping with him before he had a girlfriend..." Don't even ask how many times I have said that.
"Besides, there is something about him. Something about the way that he and I click that just makes me continue to see him."
But I am not nervous any more. The last time I was nervous or anxious or whatever was when he asked me to lunch, mid November. It was totally out of the blue and completely caught me by surprise. He wants to go to lunch with me? Doesn't he realize that she will find out. Small town USA and we all work together, someone will see us. It was more curiousity than anything else that made me go. I wanted to know why he wanted me to. What was he trying to accomplish? I insisted that we eat in the car, that we get the food and go park somewhere. I didn't want to eat in some fast food place where I couldn't even smoke a damn cigarette. So we did and for an hour we talked and laughed in the car. She knew before we ever even left the dealership.
I am not nervous anymore. What does that mean? Does it mean that the initial starry-eyed thing has finally ended? Does it mean that I am slowly headed back towards sanity where he is concerned? Does it mean that I have found some level of comfort with him? He is now someone I can be around and totally be myself? What does it mean....
I don't know what it means, but I do know that I am going to go strip off all my bedding and wash it so it doesn't smell like him. So it doesn't make me wake up in the middle of the night expecting him to be there and glance around the room for the ghost of a man who doesn't love me.
~Kate
Labels: Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
