I have had two actual relationships in my life. The first one (ex#1) with Amanda and Emilee's father was a tremendous failure... But, I was young and stupid and head over heels in love with the idiot... so we'll chalk it up to naivete. After five years (a long story I will save for another post), we finally parted ways. I haven't laid eyes on him since.
The second relationship was another horrendous mistake. The only good things that came from that 3 year nightmare were Triniti and experience. I learned a lot about myself and about relationships. I learned that I don't need a man to survive or even be happy. I learned that tolerance only gets you so far and that you can't believe everything your told. Most importantly, I learned that I deserve SO much more.
Since then? Well, I have 'dated' a few men worth mentioning. I journal, so I quick glance through some old journals took me back. One in particular was an interesting situation. I had a crush on this guy who we'll call 'M'. I met M many years ago and was enamored. Goodness gracious this was one hot guy (so what? I can be superficial. Sue me.). I'm talking I had dreams about him for two years before I saw him again. This was the first and only time I have ever considered a man to be out of my league. EVER. After ex#2 and I split, I started a friendship with M never expecting more than that and to be honest I was happy to have some friendly eye candy :) The thing I am getting at is that M and I eventually entered a stage that was more than friendship and I ran, fast. He is telling me everything I thought I wanted to hear and I am bolting.
In retrospect, I know that he and I wouldn't have worked. But, why is it that I am attracted to guys that I can't have and when they want me, I bail? Or worse, the ones that I want are bad for me. It is like some kind of downward spiral of self sacrifice. Yeah, here's my heart... Oh, you don't want it? That's ok, take it anyway and squash it.
Mr. I is a perfect example of this particular dating trend. Tempest told me flat out, two weeks in, that the only reason I wanted him was because I couldn't have him. And if he were to want me, I would be gone in a blink of an eye. Well, if the past if proof, she is right. Some little neuron in my brain is set to 'flee mode' as soon as anything serious is presented.
I'd like to think that it is gut reaction or that I just know that it isn't what I really want or that it wouldn't work out. Of course, that brings up questions like: Why am I dating them in the first place? Am I setting myself up for failure? Do I not really want anything serious anyway?
Oh, I wish it was the last one. My dating life would be so much less complex if I could grasp and accept the no strings situations. If I could cut myself off emotionally and enjoy a physical/friendship type relationship without them wanting more...
I still stick by my idea that being part of a couple is something that society ingrains into your head. Making you feel like you aren't a whole person unless you are two people. We can't help longing for another human who loves us and we love in return because we're supposed to.
I have no idea where I am going with this, but I would love to hear your POV on it...
~Kate
utterly and hopelessly confused
Labels: Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
