Thursday, May 12, 2005
Shocked
I am so shocked. I spoke to my mother last night and she said to me: "I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for your sister and for me. You have been such a great big sister to her and I want you to know that I really appreciate it."

So, after I recovered from fainting and got up off of the floor, I was completely shocked. This highly resembles a compliment which seems unlikely since my mother NEVER compliments me. In fact she does pretty much everything with in her power to make me feel like I basically suck. I am never a good enough mother or daughter. I work too much, I don't save enough, my house is a mess, my kids misbehave... she can name my faults for days. She likes to do those not-so-subtle-hint-dropping things, where she says things like "when you guys were little, I never would have let you talk to me like that" or "when you were a little girl, I never went out and left you with a sitter, I didn't have a life" or "when I was working sixty hours a week, my house was still cleaner that this"... It goes on and on and I won't torture you with stories of how my mother and I have a strained relationship.
I am just completely blown away that she said something nice to me. She also asked me to forgive her for "everything". She said that she knew she had fucked up and hadn't behaved like a good mother should have the last ten years or so. Of course, then, as she routinely does, she turned it around into a pity party for her, one I am sure she accompanied with several beers, so I got off of the phone with her...
The fact is, that she should be thanking me. Ruthie is graduating in a matter of weeks and I would like to think that my supporting her for these last few years helped that. I would like to think that my giving her a home not riddled with alcoholism and abuse helped her make it. Of course, she did it herself and every drop of her determination got her where she is and I am insanely proud of her. I am also going to miss her so much. She will be leaving for Hawaii soon and her prom is on Saturday and she wants to move out when she gets back from Hawaii. Move out.... My first 'child' will be leaving soon and it just breaks my heart.

Ok, work now. I am going to need a whole damn box of tissues if I don't stop writing this :P
~Kate
so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 6:06 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
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