One of the things that Lola has let me lay on her couch and talk about it how I have become increasingly lonely. I try to keep myself so busy so that I won't notice, but it doesn't always work. I miss Veronique more than words could even encompass. Every day I want to call her or have her come over and just sit and talk. If you could have a soul mate, she would have been mine. She and I were so perfect together. Just hours and hours around each other, talking and listening and it was always smooth, always fulfilling. I knew that I could call her at any time day or night and she would not just be there, but she would care about what I wanted to say. And the same went for me. She could call me at two o'clock in the morning and tell me about her night and I wanted to listen, wanted to hear her.
My mind keeps trying to convince me that she is still here, that she couldn't be gone... I just have to miss her, indefinitely.
Considering the recent twists from the plot of Mr. I and myself, I hate to say what I am about to... but I lost him too. Not the him I was sleeping with because that was never going to be mine, but the friendship. I spent countless hours talking to him and listening to him. Despite what happened between us, I miss his friendship. I miss hearing his ringer and knowing that it is him and he has some silly story to tell me or some weird idea of what he could sell on ebay next or that he is going to just ask me about me and what I am thinking about. Our friendship was destroyed and it's seemingly irreparable for the time being.
I feel like I am holding everything in, yet I am holding onto nothing. When I was talking to Lola last week, she told me just to write it all down, get everything out, just write myself through it. I thought about breaking out my pen and my journal and putting it all down on paper... its funny that my journal doesn't cut it anymore. This has become my journal, my outlet. Putting my thoughts somewhere else just won't do.
So, I want to write myself through this, but I don't know what "this" is. I am just in this white room devoid of color. All the feelings I felt for the last year, longer... they've all been taken away from me. The love and the friendship that I felt is just gone. I will never have the closure with Veronique. She is beyond my grasp now. I can't tell her that I love her and that I miss her and how important she was to me. I can't call her anymore, I can't see her.
And I don't want the closure from Mr. I because it won't be anything positive so it really isn't worth it.
So, I look at my phone... sitting there on the desk. It doesn't ring any more. The two people who consistently and constantly called me are both gone from my life.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Tuesday night TV recap... (for the hopelessly bored)
"This is totally going in my blog!"
Rock Star: INXS
Amanda will be nine in November
Um... no...
Tagged by "Yoda-rator"
It's finally Friday!
check this out (HNT)
The girl has balls...
If you need me, I am under the pile of Kleenex...
"This is totally going in my blog!"
Rock Star: INXS
Amanda will be nine in November
Um... no...
Tagged by "Yoda-rator"
It's finally Friday!
check this out (HNT)
The girl has balls...
If you need me, I am under the pile of Kleenex...
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
