Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh how we love craigslist...
I am taking this from the Austin Craigslist. It was emailed to me and far too funny to not share with all of you :)

ORIGINAL POST (Emailed to me with the subject line of "she sounds nice"):

Austin blonde seeks soulmate/dream-man - 28

Seeking hot (but not too hot— no cocky bastards,) male, single, culturally-aware monogamist. Must be d/d-free, non-smoker. 6' tall or over is strongly preferred, but no giants.

Must enjoy concerts, balconies/patios/decks, my gay cat, and high-maintenance blondes who think they know everything and try to tell everyone what to do all the time, but only because they're trying to help. Must be able to throw me over your shoulder and/or drag me across the parking lot by my hair when I get out of hand.

Must have a really good job - I'm expensive.

No Aggies. No D&D. No BDSM (fuzzy handcuffs excluded.)

Must have no hang-ups about prescribed and truly effective psychotropic medications, discreet and classy acrylic nails, or 2 hours of hair-blow-drying time, 2 to 3 times per week.

No red-meat eaters. Pescetarians preferred, but not required.
(look it up.)

Mac-users only; no PCs.


Must hate the Dave Matthews Band.
Must understand the meaning of the term "post-punk." Former high school freaks and weirdos preferred. Record collectors are a HUGE plus. Must love The Smiths and/or The Cure and/or Radiohead and/or The Pixies. Dandy Warhols fans and Shins fans get extra points.

Must generally prefer Red River, South Congress, and the east side over 6th Street (concerts at the Parish excluded.)

College degree required, but equivalent work experience may be acceptable, depending on the situation. Extra points for grad school, but no 'professional students.'

No gym-rats.

Must truly truly truly enjoy oral sex- the giving part. This is crucial. It's a total deal-breaker. Reciprocation will be frequent, excellent, and enthusiastic.

Also, no neo-cons or Evangelical Christians. In fact, any kind of Christian is gonna have a pretty rough time. Agnostics and Buddhists preferred. Atheists ok.

Tattoo-free is preferred. A few discreet ones are ok, but not if they involve cartoon characters, barbed wire, or daggers. Or skulls. Or dragons or snakes.

Moderate drinking is strongly preferred over non-drinkers, but that doesn't mean it's ok to be a drunk. No drunks!

No metalheads. It's ok if you were into that stuff growing up, but you shouldn't have any Iron Maiden in your car, man. Not cool.

No 20-somethings. 30+ only please. 36 is perfect. Under 40 is preferred, but if you seriously meet all of these requirements, I don't care if you're 110.

My hair hangs to about 5 inches below my shoulders; yours should be significantly shorter. No hippies. No vagabonds. Must not frequently describe yourself as "outdoorsy" or "free-spirited," but environmentally conscious recyclers are preferred.

Metrosexuals ok, but no crunchy hair gel.


Must not aspire to ever moving to Dallas, or even consider it, honestly. Unless its for a job with a mid-six-figure or higher salary, and you're not opposed to having a stay-at-home wife. Must definitely want marriage and kids-- no being wishy-washy about it.

Home ownership preferred, but not required.

Must have all teeth. If one got knocked out during a baseball game when you were a kid, that's fine, but you should have a prosthetic or a bridge or something by now, right? I mean, come on.

Must not pee on the DVD player or in the t-shirt drawer or similar because you thought it was the toilet while half-drunk and half-asleep in the middle of the night.
No frequent free-ballers.

No light-sleepers. Insomniacs ok. But if you're one of those guys who wakes up in the morning and walks around and talks to me and everything, but you're not actually awake, and you're not making any sense, then forget it. That seriously frustrates me.

Must use better than average grammar, syntax, and vocabulary. Off-the-cuff ability to accurately define the word "ironic" is a plus. Must not ever use the following words or phrases:
chillin' like a villain

Must not ever call me "sweetie" because I totally hate that.

I'm going to reiterate this one: drug-free. Seriously.
No blow, even if it's only occasional. No potheads. No former potheads who still own "420" baseball caps. Nobody who claims, "I only do mushrooms like once a year when I go camping with my buddies from high school." Nobody who will ask me to do X with them "just this once" at some New Years' Eve party or outdoor music festival.

Must live alone. No roommates.*
*Special allowances may be granted in extreme situations, at my discretion, but not if your 'roommates' are also your parents.

Must hate George W. Bush.
Okay, hate is a strong word- must adamantly disapprove of the presidential leadership of George W. Bush. Daily Show viewers are preferred.

Being an animal-lover (or at least animal-friendly) is a requirement. Cat-owners preferred, but dog-owners are ok (unless your dog is huge AND stinky AND sheds all over the place AND jumps all over me and licks me, because I hate that.) NO HUNTERS.

NO WORLD OF WARCRAFT ENTHUSIASTS. No role-players or gamers. Ownership of PS2 or equivalent is not preferred, but may be accepted if playing is mild and infrequent and generally gets old after about an hour.

No chain-wallets. No emo fans. Must own more pants that actually fit than pants that would allow others to see your underwear if you lifted up your shirt.

No frequent golfers. No Round Rock residents or Dell employees (unless aspiring to change residency/employment in the very near future.)

Must be kid-free, but no virgins.

No felons.


Re: Austin blonde seeks soulmate/dream-man - 28 - 99

Oh man. This was the funniest reading I've had in ages. For other men's amusement, I'm reposting the list of 'no's excerpted from the original post:

cocky bastards
cheap bastards
hang-ups about prescribed and truly effective psychotropic medications
red-meat eaters
PC users
fans of Dave Matthews Band
people who prefer 6th St over Red River, South Congress
people without a college degree (excepting "relevant work experience")
oral sex haters
people who don't love her gay cat
Evangelical Christians
Tattoos involving cartoon characters, barbed wire, or daggers.
Or skulls.
Or dragons or snakes.
people with Iron Maiden in their car
40+ (unless you pass the rest of this list)
long hair
describing yourself as "outdoorsy" or "free-spirited"
crunchy hair gel [Editor's personal favorite]
aspiring to ever moving to Dallas
being wishy-washy about marriage and kids
not owning a car
false teeth or missing teeth without a bridge
peeing on the DVD player or in the t-shirt drawer or similar
frequent free-ballers
talking in the morning while half asleep and not making sense
poor grammar
saying: coolio, dealio, chillin' like a villain
calling her "sweetie"
former potheads who still own "420" baseball caps
claiming "I only do mushrooms like once a year"
asking her to do X "just this once" at some New Years' Eve party
fans of George W. Bush
animal haters
dog-owners if the dog is huge AND stinky AND sheds AND jumps AND licks
emo fans
high ratio between "low riders pants" and standard pants
frequent golfers
Round Rock residents
Dell employees
people with kids

Ah, me. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Is laughing on the 'no' list? I can't remember the top of it anymore, except 'no giants'. But what if they're jolly, crazy blonde lady? What if they're jolly???


Re: Austin blonde seeks soulmate/dream-man - 28 - 99

> If you guys love it so much, you should nominate it for a Best of Craigslist.

Well, I tried to nominate it, but I got waylaid by my giant furball panting dog, who started licking me, which set me off into a spiral of gay cat hating, which naturally landed me at a George W. Bush fundraiser where I converted to Christianity, only to become a pothead (but just on New Years and at outdoor concerts). On my way home I got caught up listening to death metal, which made me think "I should get a tattoo! Yeah!" and the wait in the tat parlor was so long I aged past 40, which is a shame because I seem to meet all your other criteria (since I (a) don't own fuzzy handcuffs and (b) barely skimmed the rest of your post), but I should say that it probably worked out for the best, since my grammar ain't right like what them smart'uns talk, and at the red meat festival (which I had to walk to because I sold my car) I got heavily into DMB and burned my antique The Cure collection in a fit of outdoorsy free-spiritedness. That's the whole dealio, and the experience made me wishy-washy about marriage, so now I'm something of a light-sleeper, and I wake up all the time clutching a full-sized blowup doll of the entire Yankees starting lineup. This is the point where I'd throw in a joke about crunchy hair gel, except I'm too busy googling the term "frequent free-baller" in the hopes that knowing what the heck it means will help me lose my virginity, so that I can eventually support a stay-at-home wife in Dallas, pulling her through parking lots by her hair all the time. Sweetie.


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:11 PM
| link to this post | 5 spoke |

Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
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12/14/84 - 1/26/05

"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

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That cracked my shit up! TM

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