Last night, I dreamed he was sad. The girls and I were going somewhere, a party or something I think. I thought he was coming too. But he made a comment that he wouldn't be. I was and truthfully, I think I always am, naively optimistic in regards to him... maybe in regards to everything.
I was of the frame of mind that he was out of jail, near his daughters and would want to go where ever all of us were going, to be part of our little family unit. He made a comment that what he really wanted was to go out and score some drugs. I stormed away, crying, slamming the door as I left. I was so angry with him. But half way down the hall, I decided to confront this, to see if I could argue it out of him... much like I am in the letters I send him. I"m constantly trying to convince him that he can leave his old life behind.
I went in and sat down on the bed that he was on and asked him to turn the tv off. In fact, I grabbed the remote to turn it off myself, he didn't fight me on that, just handed it over indifferently. I remember struggling with it, trying to figure out how to turn it all off. The remote was foreign to me. I finally leaned forward and turned the tv off manually.
We talked. I was mad but patient. Trying to be there for him as an alternative to the drugs even though in the back of my mind I was thinking the cause was lost already. If he wanted them, if he was verbal about wanting them, it was probably only a matter of time. I was crying.
He leaned forward and hugged me. And then kissed my neck. For a brief second, I didn't have any thoughts about that other than that it felt good, it awoke all of those feelings that a good kiss will. But then he moved to another part of my neck and my brain snapped back and warned me. But I didn't stop him, I knew I would but not yet. Twice more he moved and finally, with a tear running down my cheek, I pulled away. I buried my face in my hands, torn between too many emotions. I apologized for not being able to accept that from him. He said nothing, didn't move.
It was like he didn't expect anything.
I left him there and went to the party with the girls.
Labels: dreams
