Ten.
That is unbelievable to me. Unreal. For it seems only moments ago that you were but a little tiny baby that I held in my arms. A bald little thing that would smile excitedly and drool down the front of your gown. You gurgled and cooed and took everything in with your big blue eyes.
When you were five months old, one of your favorite pastimes was having me fill up your baby bath and sit you in it in the living room. It was just you and I then and I would lay towels on the floor and play with you and soap up your tiny feet while you splashed and watched me. I remember you then, with your small hands balled into fists as you tensed your body up and kicked your legs and laughed. We would often have to refill the water several times so that you could stay in longer.
Inevitably, you have grown so much since then. You have turned into this lovely girl. This girl who is on the very cusp of turning into a young woman. My baby is taking her first steps again, but this time towards womanhood and self discovery.
This year was hard for you. Being seperated from your best friend for the first time, losing your support system in school, that person who is always there with you, never making you go through anything alone. You hated school. You hated being alone, with out Camille. But, you pushed yourself through it and discovered that you can do it alone. I don't think you realize it yet, but that is a huge thing baby. That is a big important step and something you are going to use and need as an adult. And it is just one more thing I've seen you do that has made you grow a little more.
I have no delusions about how quickly you are growing up. I have seen the past ten years fly by and I know that before I even realize it, you will be eighteen and off to make your mark on the world and I know that you will make me so very proud. I know this because I am watching so closely how you are growing and changing. You ask me such important questions now about things like bills and grocery shopping and driving, things that I know you are filing away to be used later. Half of the time I want to give you all the answers and help you ready yourself for life, for being on your own... but the other half of the time I want to tell you to wait. Tell you that you don't need to worry about that stuff yet, that there is plenty of time to drown out your innocence later, when you are older. But there is really no stopping it huh? You are going to grow up and you'll need all of this knowledge and it is my job to give it to you. It's just hard for me to begin to let you make your own decisions and step aside.
When you do something like walk up and ask me if you can have a small cup of coffee with me. On the one hand, I think you're just a child, you don't need any coffee yet but on the other hand, I think how are you ever going to know if you like it or not? And don't I want to be there for your firsts? Don't I want to see your face the first time you have coffee or cranberry juice or jalapenos?
Gone already are the days when you want me to fix your hair or choose what you will wear. Gone is the need to be with me all the time, replaced by the want to go over to a friend's house. Already you are picking up skills that you will need as an adult, like preparing your own food. You so very nonchalantly ask me for something to eat and once I agree, you shrug and say, "That's all right Mom, I'll do it." So very blasé. Not giving away a single bit of excitement over the fact that I am about to let you use the stove as I watch you from the table.
You are embracing the fact that you are growing up, taking every little step seriously and although I often think it is happening too fast, I don't think you are rushing through it. I think you are taking every step just as you should, carefully and perfectly.
Can I remember being your age? So very faintly. Ten was a blur of changes for me. It was the year I left my best friend in Dallas and moved to Hawaii, the year we slept in tents on the beach for three months while my parents tried to find a house for us, the year I changed schools for the sixth time. But the thing I remember most clearly: it was the last year I really remember playing. Real playing. Running off with my brother and playing. That faded soon thereafter and I think with it, childhood. You and I have so very different lives and very different childhoods. I have done everything I can to make sure that your childhood far surpasses my own and now as I watch your childhood coming to an end, I hope I have succeeded.
I know that in the next few years, you will shed the child and instead step into the skin of a young adult, a person who is deciding who they are and who they want to be. You'll change your mind many times as you learn new things and grow, but the first little adult you have in you is starting to show herself in the form of choosing and learning and asking. And I can only hope that the honesty that you have right now about your feelings and your thoughts stays with you and I.
When I look at you now, I don't see this little kid any more. I see this young girl. This girl who is discovering the kind of person she wants to be, a girl who isn't afraid to tell someone what she thinks or to stand up for her sisters, I see this girl who is still unsure of exactly who she is but isn't afraid to find out. I see this beautiful, intelligent, friendly, honest girl that I am so proud, every day, to say is my daughter.
Happy birthday baby.
Love,
Mom
